I’m reading an awful lot about “love bombing” over on Chump Lady. I love this woman! What she says makes so much sense to me. She’s probably not going to be your cup of tea if you want to reconcile but for those of us who are dumping the cheater… well, I can only speak for myself but I love her.
Anyway, one of the things she talks about is love bombing- basically, over the top attention, declarations of love, and moving the relationship along at the speed of light.
This would be CF. We “met” on a Sunday. We actually talked on the phone that first day. Twice. We met for lunch on Monday. I ended up coming back over to his apartment that night after he got off of work and ended up spending the night. Yeah, yeah, I know. I don’t need a lecture. It was twenty-one years ago; let it go! He gave me a key to his apartment by Wednesday, I believe, and we were engaged on Saturday. We were married 7 months, 1 week, and 2 days after our first phone call. Additionally, I remember telling him shortly after we began dating that if I got pregnant I wouldn’t blame him for walking away. He wouldn’t hear of it! If I, a woman whom he had known for days, ended up pregnant, he wanted to marry me and be a father to this child.
What the hell was I thinking? Truth be told, I wasn’t. I hadn’t been in a serious relationship in five years. I was beginning to think there was something really wrong with me. He comes along and we hit it off. He was ready for a serious relationship. I was ready for a serious relationship. Everything felt comfortable. I thought that was what it was supposed to be like when you finally found “the one”.
I say that even though I learned in a class back in college that there are supposedly something like 20,000 people out in the world with whom you are compatible. He would get upset with me because I didn’t believe in “fate” or “destiny”. He believed we would have met no matter what. Oh great! So no matter what I was destined to be deceived by this lying cousinfucker! Awesome! That is some destiny I’ve got going for myself.
Now, I would like to think that the fact that we moved so quickly and managed to remain married for over twenty years might mean something. But I know that it doesn’t. He moves like this with everyone. Maybe he figures once they really get to know him they won’t want him anymore. Strike while the iron is hot, and all that.
His first go round with the whore started with him complimenting her and asking her how her life was going. She, of course, played the poor pitiful victim.
“Oh, my life isn’t so rosy.”
“Oh no! Tell me what is wrong. I will fix it for you, my damsel in distress.”
“My marriage isn’t all that I thought it should be cracked up to be.”
“Oh no! That describes my marriage, too. My wife is an ogre. She doesn’t understand me. We’re nothing but roommates. The spark has died and she only uses me as a handyman and a paycheck.”
“I can envision a future with you.”
Yep, within about 2 weeks of them “talking” they were going to get tattoos together and he was already talking about marrying her. She made him happy. Isn’t that special? Yep, in two weeks he decided to ditch his wife of then 18 years, and his two kids for his cousin. They were going to the chapel and they were going to get married. They loved to talk about how life would be when they could truly be together. How they would eat dinner together. What their dream home would look like. She had visions of consolidating her kids and my kids and turning their family into some weird version of the Brady Bunch.
Then I busted him and told him to get his head out of his ass. Pick one of us and let the other go. Good Lord I was stupid! I should have said, “Welcome to your new life! Enjoy your whore from 1800 miles away.” But I didn’t. I fought for him, for us, for our marriage and our family. And he was all: You’re my love. My soul mate. The one that has made life worth living. She’s the biggest mistake of my life. I love YOU! I was just wishing she were you; when I was talking to her I was imagining that it was really you I was talking to, pouring my heart out, sharing my life. You’re so beautiful. You’re so fantastic. You’re the greatest mom who has ever roamed the Earth. I don’t deserve you. You are my destiny. I was put on this Earth to protect and serve you and our kids. You are my rock. You are a saint.
This was an actual text:
I will do anything for you. Anything. There is nothing I won’t do for you. Please know that. You are my life. Above anything. I love you to my core. And I will do anything to make you happy. There is nothing I can even imagine that I would not do for you. Nothing. My entire life is committed to your happiness. Just ask. Anything. And I will do it.
Well, anything except stop fucking my cousin. Let’s not get crazy here! My entire life is committed to your happiness and I really, truly believe that me fucking a whore will make you all kinds of happy! And if I can move you across the country and tear you away from everyone and everything you hold dear before abandoning you for my cousin then that will make you even happier!
And this one:
When I see you my heart races!!! I need that, baby. I know it seems strange and is a pain, but I just love looking at you.
But now I love looking at her.
And my favorite:
I love you. And I served for you. To provide you with freedom. And I would do it all over now that I have met my true love. Now I know why I served. It was to meet you. Marry you. And make babies with you. You are my heart. You are my soul. I love you. I love you. I love you.
And by I love you, I mean I love you right now; that could change tomorrow. Or once I move us across the country to be closer to my whore. It’s hard to tell because love is so fleeting and even though I tell you now you’re my true love I could be wrong and my true love could be a whore that is related to me.
Yeah, endless amounts of bullshit. I won’t lie. It was nice getting all those compliments. He told me in another text message that he would spend the rest of his life giving me compliments; we saw how that worked out. In the end bullshit is bullshit, no matter how nicely you package it up.
I wish I could give you a timeline this time around, but I cannot. All I know is his enabling mommy urged his whore to call him (because having your son’s whore call him up and check on him is always a good idea and never ends in disaster) and by June I believe he was sending her money and buying a cell phone for her and her daughter. She may have come and visited him while the kids and I were out of town that month, but I’m not completely sure. I do know that in July they met up and within 2-3 weeks of that hookup he cashed in his stock and was looking for a job out of state, away from his kids. My guess would be that from the moment she called him they decided they were “destined” to be “soul mates”. By golly, it was the Fate Fairy! I’m sure he’s now telling her that she is his love and that choosing me and dumping her like the trash she is was the biggest mistake of his life. Probably tells her that he tried to turn me into her but no matter how hard he tried he just couldn’t do it.
The conclusion I’ve come to is that he’s batshit crazy. This is his MO. Why date when you can marry? Swoop in and make her think she’s just the most incredible thing ever, because, of course, if he wants to marry her within seconds of meeting her (or sexting her), then she must be special. It’s not every day you fall in love at first sight. Unless you’re CF; then that is the norm. As an added bonus, if she’s already agreed to marry you, or has potentially signed the marriage license, then it makes it that much harder to get out of it when the crazy starts to shine through.
And that I believe is the point. They love bomb to catch you off guard. Then they swoop in, marry you, and BOOM- their real personality emerges.
CF was on his best behavior in those seven months we were engaged. He visited family with me. Went to parties. Met my friends. Cleaned and cooked. Sure, he would tell me he was quirky and not very social when first meeting people. But his actions never backed up his words. He did meet people. He did socialize.
Oh, he was also very anxious to start a family right away. Fortunately, I had a nephew that was around a year old that I could borrow to show him that having babies right away was NOT something we wanted to do.
Once we married, he became a completely different person. That’s not completely true. He was delightful on the honeymoon. But back at home once the dust settled he no longer saw a need to come with me to visit family. I was fortunate enough to have 3 out of 4 grandparents until I was 30; I would go see them on Christmas Day while he stayed home because he didn’t want to go. When we made our first big move away (10 hours) he no longer came up with me for any part of Christmas; I would go by myself and stay for a week or two. He no longer helped clean, going so far as to say once that the reason I did all the cleaning, cooking, laundry, shopping, etc. was because he made more money. No longer could he manage to put his own clothes away after I had washed and folded them. Couldn’t put a damn frozen pizza in the oven for himself. I stupidly glossed over all of this. My goal was to be the perfect wife, and if that meant being understanding when he chose to stay at home and I had to go to events all by myself, or putting that frozen pizza in the oven for my poor, helpless husband, or taking on all the cleaning, laundry, shopping, and cooking… why, that’s just what the perfect wife does.
I’ll be honest. I don’t think this new one is going to put up with even a sixteenth of the bullshit I dealt with. She doesn’t have it in her and there won’t be an incentive. For his part, he may be able to keep that mask in place a little longer if they maintain their long distance love affair. The logistics get kind of tricky when you’re still hundreds of miles apart, you live in different states, she’s got kids with another man who is not going to agree to let her move his kids away from him, and you’ve got spousal support and child support to pay so you can’t take any ol’ job. Plus, your whore is kind of counting on you continuing to throw goodies her way so you can’t live like a pauper. Next thing you know she’ll be sending naked pictures to other men. Oops! I would also add that he’s got 2 kids that he will leave behind if he chooses to move out of state but I think we all know he doesn’t give a shit about that little detail. Hey, good luck to you both! I think you’re going to need it. Bombs away!