I’m a big fan of Criminal Minds. Anyone else out there a fan? Do you remember the first episode that had the Reaper in it? They discover he made a deal with the sheriff or police chief, I’m not sure which. If the chief stopped looking for him, he would stop killing. Now, the chief is dying and the deal is going to end. He tries to broker a new deal with Aaron Hotchner but Aaron won’t take it. This ends badly. Very, very badly ultimately because SPOILER ALERT eventually, many episodes later, he ends up killing Aaron’s wife. But in this episode he ends up boarding a bus and slaughtering a group of innocent bus riders. He calls Aaron and tells him, “You should have taken the deal!” Or was that the cliffhanger when he confronts him in his apartment? Anywho…
Now, I’m not about to go out and hunt down a bus full of innocents. I do, however, sometimes wonder why STBX didn’t take his out when he first had the chance. Why didn’t he take the deal? Two and a half years ago I caught him in an emotional affair and demanded he choose between the two of us. If you want her, go to her, but I will not be your safety net.
Her answer is, of course, he couldn’t liquidate his assets quickly enough, so he stayed with me (and dumped her). Oh, you stupid, stupid little bitch. Do you not realize it doesn’t matter how quickly he can liquidate assets because they are already marital property? He can spend every dime but he still has to cough up half to give to me.
Maybe it was because he hadn’t had time to move us across the country and he figured I would be willing to stay put if he left. Hell, maybe he was going to leave but she chickened out at the last minute. I don’t know. I suppose it’s not important. I just keep thinking (well, not really; occasionally it pops into my mind) about how he told me he was ready to hop in his car and come get me and the kids if I didn’t return home from my mom’s house. If you recall, my stepdad died days before I made my discovery. We had already purchased airline tickets to go out for the funeral.
He could have left then. He had the perfect opportunity. Instead he told me he didn’t want to lose any of us.
A few months later I find out about his plans to marry her. Again, he could have left but he chose not to. Hell, he wanted to renew our wedding vows!
A year and a half ago we were moving across the country. The house was sold, bought out by his company, a sure thing. Things were looking rocky between her and her husband. He could have got out then. Said, “Sam, I think it’s best if you and the kids don’t come on out here with me. I’m in love with Harley and despite our best efforts I don’t think we’re ever going to be able to put our marriage back together. The house is sold. Let’s split the proceeds and start the divorce proceedings.” But no! We buy an even more expensive house, fill it with new furniture, get a new car, put a pool in the backyard… He systematically dismantled my life and the lives of my children in order to get us out here. He could have been free but he chose to keep himself entangled. Why? Why didn’t he “take the deal”?
I realize I’m trying to understand that which cannot be understood. I’m trying to explain that which cannot be explained.
It’s just that I look back sometimes and I think, “WTF were you thinking? Why? Why did you do half of this shit?” He could have stopped construction on the pool. He could easily have said, “Sam, I’m not willing to get a loan. I think we should wait until next summer.” Or, when we found out that excavating the rocks was going to cost another $11,000 he could have said, “Sam, that is way too much money! We budgeted x amount and now you’re telling me it’s going to be y amount. We don’t have it.” BAM! $57,000 saved! No, instead he says, “This better be worth it!” He reignited his affair with his whore of a cousin as he watched the construction all summer long. Even sent me pictures. How fucked up do you have to be to do that? Or even better, once the affair was already underway I asked him how much stock we had to sell because I was getting worried about the cost; whatever wasn’t covered by cashing in stock was going to have to come out of savings. He assured me we had plenty. I told him in that case I was going to go with the more expensive stamped concrete. He never said a word! Hey, asshole, that might have been a great time to say something like, “Sam, the other stuff is fine. Let’s not spend anymore than we have to.” But no! Carry on with your whore while we spend a few thousand more.
Our cats died last year. My daughter begged me to let her take home a stray. He could have put his foot down. No more cats! He didn’t. This was much earlier in the year so perhaps he wasn’t cavorting with Harley at the time. But I’m pretty sure they had established contact by the time Memorial Day rolled around and she wanted to bring home a kitten. I told him about it. He could have said, “No more cats! This is crazy!” But no, he just let it happen.
Of course, when you’re willing to walk away from all of it and leave your betrayed spouse to pick up all the pieces and take care of everything I suppose you don’t really care what happens. It sure would have been nice to have that extra money, though, instead of sinking it into a hole in the ground. Hey, Cousinfucker, most people don’t put a fucking pool in their backyard only to move a year later. It’s not really profitable. Dumbass!
The only thing I can think of that makes sense is that he had his own very personal time table and he didn’t want to show his hand. If that cost him a bunch of extra money… oh well. I suppose it was worth it to him. Me? Well, I sure as hell wish he had “taken the deal” and gotten the fuck out of our lives before all of this went down!