There have not been a lot of things concerning this horrible situation that have made me laugh out loud. Up until now the only thing that continues to delight me was his huge offense at me placing bells on the door. Hell, the man is a fucking ninja. I never know when he’s here. I told my mom one day that I needed to hang a bell around his neck like a cat, and that evolved into putting bells on the door. He HATES it. I find it absurd. But every time I read that text from him where he’s complaining that the door is always locked behind him and now there are bells on the door for some reason it makes me laugh. Out of everything that has gone on he’s worried about bells? Not about his kids who he’s devastated. Not me who he has betrayed. No, he’s worried about himself and the fact that there are bells on the door to announce his arrival and departure. I have thought about having some fun with this and putting bells all over the doors in the house. Really freak him out. I’m also thinking of investing in some of those magnetic strips to place on the door that will chime every time the door is opened. That would really piss him off.
Anyway, it turns out we still have dozens and dozens of drink stirrers from our wedding 21 years ago. They have a little bride and groom at the top and our names printed on them along with our wedding date. My mom asked me, quite seriously, if I wanted her to throw them out. I told her it didn’t really matter to me as I still had mine. She replied that she didn’t want to bring up bad memories when we were all home for the holidays. I jokingly tell her, “You could take a Sharpie and cross out his name,” followed by a bunch of laughing faces. A few days later I’m talking to her on the phone and she says: Yeah, your brother didn’t understand why I had to cross CF’s name out on all the drink stirrers.” I actually belly laughed. I couldn’t believe she really did it. I was just joking but my mom was stone cold serious! When I was home for the holidays I had to laugh every time I came across one and saw his name crossed out with a Sharpie.