I really wish I had a better title for this, but I don’t. I have received a lot of crap from people, mainly family, about me not going out of my way to confront Cousinfucker. My brother once declared, “This is going to the quietest divorce in history.” Yes, it may be. But is that a bad thing?
I’m going to try to explain why I haven’t yelled and screamed and otherwise confronted him.
- I’m not a big confrontational person. Oh, believe me, I can get crazy stupid when I’ve been pushed but that doesn’t happen too often. I’m usually very good at being able to ignore it and walk away. I couldn’t confront him when I first found out because I was getting my ducks lined up so I couldn’t let on I knew. And after I did confront him I was asked if I was still going to make spaghetti. I’ll admit; that one left me (and the lawyer) speechless.
- When I have had more than I can take then I am simply done with you or with the situation. Some people have this need to confront the person, to let them know what they’ve done wrong or how they’ve hurt them; they want to make them feel bad, or perhaps have them apologize. I don’t. My only concern is in getting out of a toxic situation or away from a toxic person. I don’t care if you understand. I don’t care if you agree. I don’t care if you think you’re still right and I’m wrong. I don’t care if you think I’m being ridiculous. I don’t care if I’ve changed your mind or made you feel guilty or put you in your place. I’m. Done. Once I reach that point it is far better if we simply part ways because I am now officially in “Crazy, Stupid” territory.
- They don’t care! I have no doubt that Cousinfucker would not give a single fuck if I yelled at him until I was hoarse. I am equally sure that Harley has absolutely no shame and does not care at all about the destruction she has helped cause. Me yelling and screaming at CF will do nothing. He’s not suddenly going to say, “Sam, you are so right! I have been acting like a giant ass! What can I do to make it up to you and the kids?” Why waste my breath? As I said, it will do nothing except….
- Feed his ego! OK, that should probably be a full sentence but it’s not. Here’s a full sentence for you. Yelling and screaming at him just feeds his ego. It tells him he still gets to me. He is still important. He still has some power over me. From reading Chump Lady I have learned that one of the worst things you can do for this type of person is ignore him/her. I refuse to give him the satisfaction of thinking he still gets to me. I’m not above making a snarky comment, and I have no problem pushing him on things, like pointing out in a straight forward manner that if he’s got money to blow on Harley’s kids then he’s got money to spend on his own kids! But aside from that I will not engage. He is nothing to me and I don’t wish to be the one feeding his ego. Let Harley do that; he’s her problem now.
- Right from Chump Lady’s handbook: I refuse to be the hypotenuse to their triangle! You’ve probably all heard the dangers of trying to stand in the way of young love and how it just makes them want to be together even more. It’s the same with cheater love. They need to feel like it’s them against the world (or at least me). If I’m yelling and screaming, tossing his crap out onto the lawn, calling up his boss, and pulling a Carrie Underwood on his car then it’s very easy to triangulate this three person relationship. They’re in it against me. As an added bonus he can point to my behavior and say: See? I told you she was crazy (mean, uncaring, unloving, whatever unflattering adjective he can find). Look at what all I have to put up with! Isn’t she just awful? This way they are left in their relationship with only each other. They can’t ever say that things will get better once his crazy ex-wife stops harassing them because the crazy ex-wife has never been part of the picture. If their relationship takes a crap (and seeing as how she is supposedly still sleeping with her husband I can definitely see where things might go wrong) they will have to examine their own actions because it won’t be anything I’ve said or done. They are two fucked up individuals; he is a miserable human being who will never be happy and is an entitled shit eating chimp that is constantly changing the goal posts on what will make him happy. She, on the other hand, is a deceitful, manipulative, gold digging white trash whore. They are both lying liars who lie and cheating cheaters who cheat. It’s only a matter of time before this house of cards comes crashing down. As long as I’m out of the picture they’ve got to deal with one another and not focus on me.
- Finally, actions speak louder than words. It’s good advice when wondering whether you should reconcile with your spouse who says he/she is sorry. It’s also good advice when dealing with a spouse you’re divorcing. I’m keeping my mouth shut and not giving away anything. Instead of yelling and screaming at him, telling him what an utterly worthless piece of pig shit he is I simply filed for divorce, and am making him pay a lot of spousal and child support. I’m not sure anything gets the message across quite like being served with divorce papers.