Yesterday was a melancholy day for some reason. I thought maybe writing out some of my worries might help to alleviate them. Worst case scenario I can look back in a year or two and laugh. “Oh, Sam, can you believe you ever worried about *that*?”
I worry about what I’m going to do when we’re finally divorced. I’ll have no insurance. No prescription coverage. No dental. No vision. I’m a relatively healthy person but it would be just my luck that when I have no insurance I would be suddenly hit with a catastrophic accident or illness.
I worry about the house and what’s going to happen there. On the one hand I know I don’t want to stay here for the long term. I’m hoping for another 2 1/2 years. By the time we are finally divorced it will be less than 2 years I’ll need a place to stay around here. I don’t want to be left trying to sell the house on my own. Quite frankly I think if we end up taking a loss he should be responsible for 100% of it seeing as how it was his own bone-headed, erection-driven decisions that led to us selling 2-3 years after buying it. I also know I absolutely cannot refinance the house in my name alone, and even if we did a quit claim (?) I’m back to the whole “I don’t want to be responsible for selling the house and dealing with any repairs plus any huge financial losses”. But I’m also not sure where I can rent in my kids’ school district that will also accept pets. Did I mention I have 3 dogs and 3 cats? See, I used to own my own home and I kind of arranged my life around that. I didn’t make decisions based upon, “What if my husband leaves me for his skank ass cousin?” This is now my dilemma. My hope is that the divorce is not finalized until late this year and that a judge, if it goes to court, will give me 12-18 months before I need to put the home up for sale.
I worry about what’s going to happen when my daughter graduates. I know I still have time, but a year ago I would have said that she was going to have a fabulous party and we’d give her a wonderful graduation gift- probably a destination trip. Now I have no idea what I’m going to be able to do. Graduation gift? Don’t make me laugh. I’ll be lucky if I manage to scrape together enough money to throw a graduation party for her- a graduation party that will be sparsely attended for that matter. I have like 3 friends here- 2 of them have daughters that will have already graduated by the time mine does so I’m not sure how much I’ll be interacting with them. Most of my friends are in YYY state. Cousinfucker and his family won’t be in attendance. I’m going to have a party with less than 20 people in attendance. For a graduation. I’m thinking she will be better off just going out to dinner with us. That goddamn motherfucking pig shit wearing waste of oxygen breathing cousinfucker has taken all this away from my child! And I hate him for that. I honestly do not care about him at all as a husband. Run away, Cousinfucker! Go fuck your cousin and tell your mommy all about it. But DO NOT FUCK WITH MY KIDS! I’m thinking about the graduation announcements and senior pictures. Hell, do we need to rent or buy caps and gowns? I graduated over 25 years ago; I honestly don’t remember what we did, and even if I did I’m sure it has changed.
I worry that my kids will have issues down the road. And I sometimes wonder if my son is taking this too well. Sometimes I tell myself that it is the benefit of having a father who wasn’t very involved anyway; the kid doesn’t miss him. But other times I wonder, “Is it natural to be this blasé about your father’s disappearance in your life?” My son has actually told people, “My dad is dead to me.” He cares nothing about him. My daughter is still willing to text him in order to get her allowance or to wish him a happy birthday or even to thank him for the Christmas gift. My son? Does.Not.Care. He’s said outright he does not care if his dad ever gives him another dime. He tells me there’s nothing he needs. When I told him he needed to at least text his dad to thank him for the gift card he told me he didn’t have his number; he had deleted him from his contacts. And he has mentioned more than once that he can no longer trust his dad, that he thinks his dad just used him to try to get him on “his side”, as my son puts it.
Honestly, I figured if one of the kids was more reluctant to take sides it would be him. He longed for a relationship with his dad. But he’s the one that he has really distanced himself. That boy could give classes on No Contact. My daughter is more practical. She’s willing to deal with her dad in order to get her allowance and her long promised car.
That brings me to my next worry. Her having a car would really help me out. She could drive herself to her own practices. She could drive herself and her brother to school. That would give me a little more freedom in regards to getting a job. However, my guess is Cousinfucker is once again going to plead poverty when it comes time to buying her a car. Let’s give the poor guy a break. He’s already promised a car to Harley’s daughter and it’s really tough buying two cars. If you have to choose between your whore’s kid and your own child what sensible person is going to choose their own? Am I right? And seeing as how I’m already paying *his* car insurance I’m not seeing where he’s going to stand up and pay for her car insurance.
I worry about her a lot. I worry she’s putting too much pressure on herself. I worry she won’t have good relationships with boys. I worry about her migraines. I worry about the anxiety she says she’s feeling.
I wonder (not worry) whether or not I’ll be alone for the rest of my life. Will I ever find someone else? Someone who will treat me right. Someone who will want to go places with me and do things with me. Someone who will want to be a part of my family. Someone who will embrace my kids and enjoy hanging out with them, too. Someone who isn’t a drama queen. Someone who isn’t a miserable shit eating chimp and who won’t bring everyone around him down with him. Someone who won’t fuck his cousin. It’s those little things, ya know?
Honestly, I know I don’t *need* another man in my life. If I look back over the last twenty-one years I feel like I was pretty much on my own the entire time. I guess maybe we had a good five years before kids came along and he became a gigantic pain in my ass. Becoming a parent changed my life. It didn’t seem to change his, though. And that’s where the problem is. He still wanted a doting wife that tended to his every need. After I took care of everything else.
But I would *like* to have someone I could share my life with. It would be nice, as I said above, if there was someone out there who was willing to go places with me, do things with me. When I am reluctant to do something, or don’t have the energy to do something, it would be nice to have someone cheering me on. “Come on, Sam; it will be fun! I’ll be right there with you.” Instead I got, “Okay, let’s just go home.” Or even better, he just wasn’t there to begin with.
I see friends who have husbands that actually *interact* with them and with the kids. I think that would be nice. Not a necessity but nice. The guy that is, not the interaction.
In the end it’s all the not knowing that worries me the most. I suppose time will tell. Here’s to hoping that when I look back on this list in a year I’ll be able to laugh.