Chump Lady asked on Friday, “What Makes You Mighty?” It is supposed to be a feel good exercise, a positive post. You can list anything that makes you feel good, right down to the fact that you got out of bed and made breakfast for your kids despite wanting to hide in bed for weeks on end. Usually this post would make me feel good. It’s inspiring to see what everyone else is accomplishing post divorce. People talk about getting great jobs, buying their own homes, taking vacations with their kids, taking up new hobbies. It’s fun to read and it usually inspires me. This time, though, it just depressed me. I don’t know why.
I was all set to participate. My minor achievement was replacing the belt on the vacuum cleaner. That was always something I handed over to Cousinfucker. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do when he was no longer around. Honestly, I thought about getting rid of my vacuum cleaner! But I did it. That was several months ago. I don’t feel like I’ve had anymore achievements.
I can’t buy him out of this house even if I wanted to and because of the way he spectacularly screwed us by moving us away and buying a new, more expensive house less than a year before he began his affair I’m not going to see any profits from the sale of this house. So…. I won’t be buying a new home. In fact, the plan right now is to move back in with my mother after my daughter graduates. I get to sell off all my brand new furniture, all my new decorations, all my Christmas stuff, my dishes, my sheets and towels, pretty much everything and move back home. I’ll have my clothes. Maybe my books. Electronics. Photo albums. That’s my life! Living at home with my mother, my kids not having a home of their own. Meanwhile, I’m sure Cousinfucker is going to take his precious VA loan and buy his whore a brand new house and move her and her four kids into it. They’ll be living better than they’ve ever lived in their lives.
I’ve spent my children’s entire lives operating as a single parent for the most part. Cousinfucker performed 2 tasks- he would pick up our daughter from gymnastics when our son had hockey, and he would help with math homework. While it was nice not having to leave the ice rink to go pick her up I could, and did, do it myself whenever CF was out of town. When her state meet was the same day as his hockey tournament and the events were almost an hour apart I made arrangements on my own to get them both where they needed to be. I can definitely manage. Being able to handle my kids on my own is not a new achievement; it’s something I’ve done as long as I’ve had kids. Taking my kids on vacation without CF is also not a new phenomenon. I’ve driven 1500-2000 miles across the country without him many times, stopping along the way to break up the trip for my kids. Again, not an achievement. At least not a new one.
New job? Fantastic pay raise? Living better than him? Nope. I’m in a Catch-22. If I get a job his spousal support is lowered. I’m not doing him any favors! I am planning on leaving this area as soon as my daughter graduates. I don’t want to be in a position where I absolutely have to work the minute I move in with my mom. Additionally, I have spent so much time catering to everyone else I have no idea what I’d like to do. I don’t think I want to be a nurse even though that seems to be a popular “return to school” degree, and I’m not sure I really want to go back to school and spend more money for a degree I won’t end up using. My mother thinks I should become an accountant. Honestly, I don’t have money to go back to school right now even if I *did* know what I want to do with my life. Plus, I really don’t want to shake up my kids’ lives anymore than they have been. I mean, we’ve moved them across the country, taken them away from their old lives, then they learn their father is a lying, cheating sonofabitch who is essentially abandoning them, and now they need to miss out on even more because Mommy has to go to work because Daddy won’t do a damn thing for them! I have an outdated, never used college degree and as I’ve said before I’ve been out of the work force for 17 years now. I am sure my prospects are bright.
As for hobbies and lots of new friends, well, I can’t afford any new hobbies and I live in BFE so my chances of meeting many new people are pretty fucking slim. Plus, I just don’t have the energy to put on a happy face. I was invited to a Super Bowl party today. I was all excited to go even, and then… I wasn’t. So I decided to stay at home. It’s awkward enough to be in a large group when you don’t know anyone except the hosts. And it’s one thing to be surrounded by couples when you know both parties. But when you’re being asked to meet a bunch of new people AND you’re the only one there that’s not part of a couple? No thank you. I was definitely not up for it today.
I know this is another depressing post and I apologize. I’m sure it will get better. I’m just feeling sorry for myself right now. I do that every now and then and then I get my head out of my ass and tackle the problems head on.