Does Anything Make Me Mighty?

Chump Lady asked on Friday, “What Makes You Mighty?”  It is supposed to be a feel good exercise, a positive post.  You can list anything that makes you feel good, right down to the fact that you got out of bed and made breakfast for your kids despite wanting to hide in bed for weeks on end.  Usually this post would make me feel good.  It’s inspiring to see what everyone else is accomplishing post divorce.  People talk about getting great jobs, buying their own homes, taking vacations with their kids, taking up new hobbies.  It’s fun to read and it usually inspires me.  This time, though, it just depressed me.  I don’t know why.

I was all set to participate.  My minor achievement was replacing the belt on the vacuum cleaner.  That was always something I handed over to Cousinfucker.  I wasn’t sure what I was going to do when he was no longer around.  Honestly, I thought about getting rid of my vacuum cleaner!  But I did it.  That was several months ago.  I don’t feel like I’ve had anymore achievements.

I can’t buy him out of this house even if I wanted to and because of the way he spectacularly screwed us by moving us away and buying a new, more expensive house less than a year before he began his affair I’m not going to see any profits from the sale of this house. So…. I won’t be buying a new home.  In fact, the plan right now is to move back in with my mother after my daughter graduates.  I get to sell off all my brand new furniture, all my new decorations, all my Christmas stuff, my dishes, my sheets and towels, pretty much everything and move back home.  I’ll have my clothes.  Maybe my books.  Electronics.  Photo albums.  That’s my life!  Living at home with my mother, my kids not having a home of their own.  Meanwhile, I’m sure Cousinfucker is going to take his precious VA loan and buy his whore a brand new house and move her and her four kids into it.  They’ll be living better than they’ve ever lived in their lives.

I’ve spent my children’s entire lives operating as a single parent for the most part.  Cousinfucker performed 2 tasks- he would pick up our daughter from gymnastics when our son had hockey, and he would help with math homework.  While it was nice not having to leave the ice rink to go pick her up I could, and did, do it myself whenever CF was out of town.  When her state meet was the same day as his hockey tournament and the events were almost an hour apart I made arrangements on my own to get them both where they needed to be.  I can definitely manage.  Being able to handle my kids on my own is not a new achievement; it’s something I’ve done as long as I’ve had kids.  Taking my kids on vacation without CF is also not a new phenomenon.  I’ve driven 1500-2000 miles across the country without him many times, stopping along the way to break up the trip for my kids.  Again, not an achievement.  At least not a new one.

New job?  Fantastic pay raise?  Living better than him?  Nope.  I’m in a Catch-22.  If I get a job his spousal support is lowered.  I’m not doing him any favors!  I am planning on leaving this area as soon as my daughter graduates.  I don’t want to be in a position where I absolutely have to work the minute I move in with my mom.  Additionally, I have spent so much time catering to everyone else I have no idea what I’d like to do.  I don’t think I want to be a nurse even though that seems to be a popular “return to school” degree, and I’m not sure I really want to go back to school and spend more money for a degree I won’t end up using.  My mother thinks I should become an accountant. Honestly, I don’t have money to go back to school right now even if I *did* know what I want to do with my life.  Plus, I really don’t want to shake up my kids’ lives anymore than they have been.  I mean, we’ve moved them across the country, taken them away from their old lives, then they learn their father is a lying, cheating sonofabitch who is essentially abandoning them, and now they need to miss out on even more because Mommy has to go to work because Daddy won’t do a damn thing for them!  I have an outdated, never used college degree and as I’ve said before I’ve been out of the work force for 17 years now.  I am sure my prospects are bright.

As for hobbies and lots of new friends, well, I can’t afford any new hobbies and I live in BFE so my chances of meeting many new people are pretty fucking slim.  Plus, I just don’t have the energy to put on a happy face.  I was invited to a Super Bowl party today.  I was all excited to go even, and then… I wasn’t.  So I decided to stay at home.  It’s awkward enough to be in a large group when you don’t know anyone except the hosts. And it’s one thing to be surrounded by couples when you know both parties.  But when you’re being asked to meet a bunch of new people AND you’re the only one there that’s not part of a couple? No thank you.  I was definitely not up for it today.

I know this is another depressing post and I apologize.  I’m sure it will get better.  I’m just feeling sorry for myself right now.  I do that every now and then and then I get my head out of my ass and tackle the problems head on.

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4 thoughts on “Does Anything Make Me Mighty?

  1. Is your lawyer working to get you anything? Part of his pension? Medical insurance? anything? In Pa you have to be legally apart for two years before your divorce is final. And that is 2 years from when you contact the lawyer. And my ex had to pay child support(kids were younger) and he had to cover my insurance for two years and also had to help with a portion of of bills and the kids activities. BUT my lawyer was good at making sure I was heard, I remained calm, the the lawyer made sure I received what I was entitled to. I am not sure what state you are in but don’t be hasty selling everything you have. Can you store some of it in your parents basement or a friends house? You are having a hard time but take a deep breath. Get real with your lawyer and find out what you are entitled to and make sure you are going to get it. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers

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    1. I have no idea what my lawyer is working on. When we did the temporary support he was only interested in getting spousal and child support. He did manage to get some extra thrown in for the marital debt but even with that I got the lowest of the three amounts I had been quoted. At the time the figures were quoted I was thinking the marital debt would be split so even with the lower amount it would go further because I would have less debt. Does that make sense? In other words, let’s say I was told he would have to pay either $2000 or $3000 per month, depending upon how they worked out all the extras in his income. Marital debt was $500. I figured he would have to pay at least half, probably 75% and hopefully all of the debt due to the income disparity. Instead, he gets away with paying $1500/month and throws another $500 on for the debt.

      I am close by- Virginia. We have to be separated for a year although I could divorce him immediately if I prove the adultery. Unfortunately, my lawyer said even with the immediate divorce we couldn’t do a property settlement until the one year mark. I don’t know why. He is currently paying temporary support. He paid it in one lump sum because he wanted me to take care of all the bills. Basically, he pays his support based upon his (deflated) income, throws in some more for the marital debt and I continue to maintain all the bills. He’s not ordered to pay anything additional for the kids either. I get child support and that’s it. He was paying their allowances but once he was court ordered to pay support (and he’s paying a little less than $2000/month more than what he was giving me originally) he told me he couldn’t pay them their allowances because he didn’t have the money. So… yearbooks, school lunch money, any extracurriculars (which those are done until next school year), field trips, etc. he’s not sharing in the costs.

      Thank you for your prayers and advice. I do appreciate it. I have an appointment with another lawyer (that’s in today’s post) later this month and I’m feeling better today.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I know that all divorces are different and most depend on the judge you get and how good your lawyer is. My ex was bipolar schizophrenic so the whole thing was a mess from start to finish. Plus he went from a job making more than 100,000 a year to nothing. I was lucky as my house was in my name and almost paid off. I wish I could offer some sage advice to really help but I can’t. But I am more than willing to listen and talk any time you need to vent. And I understand more than anything how hard it is on the kids. Keep your wits around you and be strong is the best advice I can offer right now.

        Liked by 1 person

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