Valentine’s Day- It’s a Joke

Happy Valentine’s Day!  For all of you who are not enjoying this day I offer up 54 really bad jokes, riddles, puns and pickup lines. See what I did there?  It’s Valentine’s Day and I’m telling jokes.  I’m a sucker for a bad joke or a silly pun so I hope you enjoy them as much as I did! Some are from websites.  Some have been told to me by my kids, friends and relatives.

I had a dream last night I was a muffler.  I woke up exhausted!

I had dinner at that new restaurant on the moon last night.  The food was terrific but there was no atmosphere.

Are you Google?  Because you are everything I’ve been searching for!

What did the monkey say as it slid down the giraffe’s neck?  So long!

A horse walks into a bar.  The bartender says:  Hey, what’s with the long face?

Why did Piglet look in the toilet?  He was looking for Pooh.

I was walking through a quarry and said to the foreman, “That’s a big rock!”  “Boulder,” he replied.  So I puffed out my chest and shouted, “Look at that enormous rock over there!”

I totally understand how batteries feel because I’m rarely included in things either.

A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.

What’s blue and fuzzy?  Blue fuzz.

A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm.  He tells the bartender:  Give me a beer and one for the road!

Is your name wifi?  Because I definitely feel a connection!

Two atoms were walking down the street when suddenly one of them says, “I’ve lost an electron!”  The other one asks, “Are you sure?”  The first one says, “Yes!  I’m positive!”

A jumper cable walks into a bar, sits down and orders a beer.  The bartender says:  Look, I’m going to serve you but you’d better not start anything!”

How many tickles does it take to tickle an octopus?  Ten tickles!

I was reading a book on anti-gravity.  I found it impossible to put down.

Thieves broke into my house and stole everything except my soap, shower gel, shampoo, towels and deodorant.  Damn dirty bastards!

What was Forrest Gump’s email password?  1forrest1

Never trust an atom.  They make up everything.

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.  The ceremony wasn’t much but the reception was excellent!

Two fish are swimming along when suddenly one of them swims into a wall.  “Dam!”

Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.

I’m no photographer but I can picture us together!

I hate insect puns.  They really bug me.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

What do sea monsters eat for lunch?  Fish and ships.

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra. (Sorry- I know it’s not PC.)

The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa. (Neither was this one.)

Oxygen and Potassium went on a date for Valentine’s Day.  It went OK.

Two cannibals are eating a clown when one asks the other, “Does this taste funny to you?”

I tried to tell a chemistry joke but there was no reaction.

Did you hear about the man who had his entire left side cut off in a terrible accident?  He’s all right now.

The invisible man marries the invisible woman.  The kids were nothing to look at either.

A magician was walking down the street and turned into a grocery store.

Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees?  Because they’re really good at it.

How does NASA organize their company parties?  They planet.

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go the bathroom?  Because the “P” is silent.

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.  “Doctor, Doctor, I can’t feel my legs!”  The doctor replies, “I know you can’t; I’ve cut off your arms!”

What do you call a fish with no eyes?  A fsh.

A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play that game.

It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle; he just didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to have a fear of hurdles but I got over it.

A neutron walks into a bar.  “How much for a beer?” he asks the bartender.  The bartender replies, “For you- no charge!”

I thought the baseball was getting bigger.  Then it hit me.

Two peanuts were walking down the street.  One was a salted.

Did you hear about the guy who invented LifeSavers?  He made a mint!

What kind of shoes do Ninjas wear?  Sneakers.

Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like bananas.

I wrote a song about tortillas.  Well, actually it’s more of a wrap.

A pirate walked into a bar with steering wheel in his pants.  The bartender asks, “Isn’t that uncomfortable?”  The pirate replies, “Argh!  It’s driving me nuts!”

I’m going to have to play both parts with this one because it requires an answer to a question.  Person 1: Two frogs are sitting on a log- Pete and Re-Pete.  Pete falls off.  Who’s left?  Person 2: Re-Pete. Person 1:  Two frogs are sitting on a log- Pete and Re-Pete…..

One of my favorites.  It’s part pickup line and part awesome comeback from said cheesy pickup line.  Did it hurt- when you fell from the sky?  I didn’t fall from Heaven.  I clawed my way up from Hell.

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