Did I ever tell you about the time I had dinner with a convicted killer? Yeah, that was fun. Tammy Faye has an interesting assortment of siblings. Some have done very well. Some have led very hard lives. She has a sister who has had not one, but two, husbands land in prison. Both for murder. I’m a little murky on the details but I think one of them is (or was) actually on death row. It is possible he died in prison. Again, murky on the details so don’t take this as gospel. I do know, however, that death row or not, he was in prison for murder. The second husband who landed in prison (and truthfully I don’t know if he was the first or second husband) was there because he stabbed a guy. In self defense. Twenty some times, I believe. Now, you would think that would not be a relationship you wished to rekindle but you would be wrong. He got out of prison and Tammy Faye’s sister remarried him. He was over at Tammy Faye’s brother and sister-in-law’s house, hanging out and chilling. I remember meeting the guy, although I’m not sure when. I do know it was handled like it was no big deal. In fact, the way we found out he was even around was when Zack had called home and was talking to his mom. At the time, she and Pastor Fake were living with the brother and sister-in-law who had come and moved them from the small town where he had pastored a church into their own home. They were passing the phone around when suddenly “he” gets on the phone and announces, “This is the second degree murderer.” Note: That’s not actually how he announced himself. He used his real name. Yep, this guy was over there drinking coffee and playing cards. Absolutely no big deal. Jesus loves us all, right? Eventually, they divorced once again because of his drinking and abusive ways. Shocker, I know.
Of all the stories I think this final one is my favorite. Zack is the only child of his mother and father. His mother has one other child by her first husband, Jezebel. His father was 20 years older than his mother and he had been married twice before and had 2 different sets of children with each of the previous wives- 4 additional siblings from him. Got that? Good, because now it’s going to get really complicated.
His mother is one of 10 or more siblings. Her dad (sperm donor) had 6 kids, I believe, with his first wife. She died when the youngest was just a baby and all the kids, except Tammy Faye, were adopted by various relatives. Tammy Faye was adopted by family friends (this is also why Cousinfucker claims that Harley is not really his cousin- because of this adoption that occurred many many years before either of them were even born!). He then went on to have 4 more with another woman. Didn’t raise any with her either. They do keep popping out of the woodwork so it’s hard to keep track. Plus, at one point he was trying to lay claim to John Mellencamp as possibly being his son. Anyway, Tammy Faye has a sister. We’ll call her Harriet. Tammy Faye marries Big Daddy, Zack’s father. Big Daddy has a son from a previous marriage. We’ll call him Harry. Cousinfucker’s Aunt Harriet ends up getting married to his brother Harry. Yes, his aunt married his brother. That cousin fucking thing doesn’t look so bad now, does it? It gets better. Harriet eventually leaves Harry for another woman. This woman had a job as Cinderella or Snow White at DisneyWorld. Oh, but wait! It gets even better. Cinderella leaves Harriet for Harriet’s brother.
I swear I could write a telenovela based only on his family and their hijinks. The good news is it’s no longer my circus and they are no longer my monkeys. No more shit eating chimps for me!