A Letter to My Kids

Hey Kids,

The time has come for you to find out that your mom is not all powerful.  That I am, in fact, human and I make mistakes.  So I want to apologize to both of you.

I’m sorry I picked such a wretched excuse for a human being to be your father.  He has failed you in ways I couldn’t even begin to imagine.  For years I listened to him whine on and on about his father and how he was rejected by him.  But you know what?  He always financially supported him and that’s more than I can say for your own dad.

I’m sorry I chose to be a stay at home mom instead of working a job so that when this time came I could support you without his help.  Don’t get me wrong.  I loved being at home with the two of you.  I loved being the one to take you places and plan school parties and volunteer at your schools.  I loved going on field trips and being here at home at the end of day.  I loved being able to watch you at all of your meets and games, being the one to drop you off and pick you up, being able to travel with you.  I truly did.  In hindsight, though, I never should have done it.  I should have worked.  I should have told your dad that his career wasn’t more important than my own job.  I should have followed my passion and done something with my life aside from being your mom.  I know that sounds like a shitty thing to say and I don’t mean it to be because, again, I loved being here for you.  I still do.  But I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place now.  I’m sinking fast and I’m taking both of you with me.

I’m sorry I didn’t stand up to him more and baby and cater to him less.  Maybe if that had been the case he would have left sooner and I would have more options.  Maybe it would have helped and he never would have done any of this.

I’m sorry I can’t keep you here through graduation, Rock Star.  I cry every time I think about it even though everyone tells me you’re going to be fine.  I’m going to end gymnastics for you forever.  I’m going to take away you being captain for your team.  I know high school gymnastics was not what you wanted and won’t take you to college but it was better than no gymnastics at all.  I’m taking you from a place where you are a very big fish in a pretty small pond and I’m going to turn you into a goldfish in the ocean, if goldfish could survive in salt water.  I feel like I’m ruining your high school experience and I am so so sorry for that, my sweet girl.  Once again, I listened to your dad whine for years about how he was constantly moved as a child and never attended the same school each year.  He never switched high schools though, a privilege he is denying you.

I’m sorry I couldn’t do whatever it was that I needed to do to stay married and give you two a stable home, even if one of your parents wasn’t always sane or even around much.  If I knew what I did wrong, or what I didn’t do that he wanted me to do, I would have taken the appropriate action.  But I have no idea what it is I did or didn’t do that made your dad choose to have an affair.  Honestly, I know  that I can only be responsible for my own actions and he is responsible for his.  I am truly sorry, though, that I couldn’t make this marriage work.

Finally, I am so sorry I agreed to this move.  I am so sorry I tore your lives apart for this shit storm we are in now.  I’m sorry for the pool that we are probably never going to swim in even though we’ve spent a crapload of money on it.  I’m sorry about your friends and your sports and your schools.  I’m sorry about everything that you’ve had to lose and all that you’re still going to lose.  I’m sorry I don’t have a home of our own to move us to.  I’m sorry for all the dreams you have that aren’t going to come true because we have to leave.  I’m sorry for all the plans that you are making that aren’t going to happen.  I’m sorry we’re going to be poor and your lives are going to be turned so far around you aren’t even going to recognize them.  I’m sorry for everything.

Your uncle tells me every time I say that that it’s not me who is ruining your lives- it’s your dad.  I’m here, though, and he’s not.  So I’m the one who is apologizing.  I cannot apologize enough for what is going to become of your lives.  I would say I should have picked better but then I wouldn’t have you two.  At any rate, I failed you both, and for that I’m sorry.  I’ll do my very best to make it up to you somehow.  I promise.

Love,

Mom

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18 thoughts on “A Letter to My Kids

  1. This made me cry. This isn’t on you. You aren’t the one who did this to them (your brother is right). NO one makes someone have an affair. That is on them, their poor character, disordered personality, weak values, etc. You own none of that. (I know that the reconciliation industry likes to shove that kind of cr*p down people’s throats, but it is BS. Have you found chump lady? google it. Read it. Believe it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I love Chump Lady! I read her every day and I’ve got to start going back through the archives again. I was up to 2014 and then I got distracted. I know it’s not my fault but I feel horrible for them.

      On the good news front I did get my support check today after I had posted this entry.

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      1. That’s good. Did he include a note with new contact info or any indication that he has moved? He is a total freak (I know you know this) to disappear like that.

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      2. I forgot to mention the postmark on the envelope gave away the area he’s living in and my daughter got his new phone number from a relative. He’s not nearly as smart as he thinks he is. More importantly, I’m not nearly as dumb as he seems to think I am.

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  2. Don’t be so hard on yourself. I bet your kids wouldn’t have wanted you to be any other way. You are just going through a very low period. It will end. This I promise. Once you get through your divorce, the rest is child’s play.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. As long as I’m getting my money I should be paying the bills as agreed upon. Once he stops paying I am free to stop as well. As of this morning we have a place of employment and his lawyer offered up a new number for him. We need to get the pool paid off, he needs to get me my share of the bonus check, and then we need to hammer out a final settlement. If he pays like he should then it will be smooth sailing until settlement negotiations unless it turns out we need to renegotiate this temporary settlement.

      Next step for me is talking to someone about what I’m going to do with my life and what avenues I can take. I don’t want to go back to school, get a second degree and then not be able to find a job because no one wants to hire an entry level 50 year old (which is around the age I would probably be when I finished). I will probably also start looking for a job so I can supplement what I get from him. I don’t want to complain about the amount I get, even though I think I got screwed, because I know it’s probably more than what a lot of people make in an entire year. However, I’m also trying to keep this house until Rock Star graduates and we bought it on his salary. My electric bill alone this month was almost $400 so….

      Then it’s back to the original plan and staying here through high school graduation. After that we’ll all head back to my home state.

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