The time has come for you to find out that your mom is not all powerful. That I am, in fact, human and I make mistakes. So I want to apologize to both of you.
I’m sorry I picked such a wretched excuse for a human being to be your father. He has failed you in ways I couldn’t even begin to imagine. For years I listened to him whine on and on about his father and how he was rejected by him. But you know what? He always financially supported him and that’s more than I can say for your own dad.
I’m sorry I chose to be a stay at home mom instead of working a job so that when this time came I could support you without his help. Don’t get me wrong. I loved being at home with the two of you. I loved being the one to take you places and plan school parties and volunteer at your schools. I loved going on field trips and being here at home at the end of day. I loved being able to watch you at all of your meets and games, being the one to drop you off and pick you up, being able to travel with you. I truly did. In hindsight, though, I never should have done it. I should have worked. I should have told your dad that his career wasn’t more important than my own job. I should have followed my passion and done something with my life aside from being your mom. I know that sounds like a shitty thing to say and I don’t mean it to be because, again, I loved being here for you. I still do. But I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place now. I’m sinking fast and I’m taking both of you with me.
I’m sorry I didn’t stand up to him more and baby and cater to him less. Maybe if that had been the case he would have left sooner and I would have more options. Maybe it would have helped and he never would have done any of this.
I’m sorry I can’t keep you here through graduation, Rock Star. I cry every time I think about it even though everyone tells me you’re going to be fine. I’m going to end gymnastics for you forever. I’m going to take away you being captain for your team. I know high school gymnastics was not what you wanted and won’t take you to college but it was better than no gymnastics at all. I’m taking you from a place where you are a very big fish in a pretty small pond and I’m going to turn you into a goldfish in the ocean, if goldfish could survive in salt water. I feel like I’m ruining your high school experience and I am so so sorry for that, my sweet girl. Once again, I listened to your dad whine for years about how he was constantly moved as a child and never attended the same school each year. He never switched high schools though, a privilege he is denying you.
I’m sorry I couldn’t do whatever it was that I needed to do to stay married and give you two a stable home, even if one of your parents wasn’t always sane or even around much. If I knew what I did wrong, or what I didn’t do that he wanted me to do, I would have taken the appropriate action. But I have no idea what it is I did or didn’t do that made your dad choose to have an affair. Honestly, I know that I can only be responsible for my own actions and he is responsible for his. I am truly sorry, though, that I couldn’t make this marriage work.
Finally, I am so sorry I agreed to this move. I am so sorry I tore your lives apart for this shit storm we are in now. I’m sorry for the pool that we are probably never going to swim in even though we’ve spent a crapload of money on it. I’m sorry about your friends and your sports and your schools. I’m sorry about everything that you’ve had to lose and all that you’re still going to lose. I’m sorry I don’t have a home of our own to move us to. I’m sorry for all the dreams you have that aren’t going to come true because we have to leave. I’m sorry for all the plans that you are making that aren’t going to happen. I’m sorry we’re going to be poor and your lives are going to be turned so far around you aren’t even going to recognize them. I’m sorry for everything.
Your uncle tells me every time I say that that it’s not me who is ruining your lives- it’s your dad. I’m here, though, and he’s not. So I’m the one who is apologizing. I cannot apologize enough for what is going to become of your lives. I would say I should have picked better but then I wouldn’t have you two. At any rate, I failed you both, and for that I’m sorry. I’ll do my very best to make it up to you somehow. I promise.