I saw another lawyer last week. I liked her and I decided to switch. I have many reasons for making the switch but key among them would be communication and the fact that I think my previous attorney botched my case. Not an all out, Oh my God, I’m ruined, kinda botched. But he definitely did not do me any favors or get me the best deal possible.
First interesting moment of the conversation with her was when she told me that everything in the court order is modifiable. And there is a lot I’d like to see modified. The funny part though is due to Cousinfucker quitting his job and leaving the state I now have a material change in circumstances. Of course, I can be granted anything by the court but it doesn’t mean shit if he’s going to defy the court order or believes he’s untouchable because he’s out of state. He probably thought he was going to screw me by getting everything excluded from his annual salary except his base pay and then turning around and getting a new job with a potentially higher base pay, even if the bonuses aren’t as good. He thought he would screw me by promising half of his bonus check and to pay off the pool with that money and then leaving his job and doing neither of those two things. Turns out the joke’s on him because with him taking this new job I can now go back and ask to have support re-evaluated. And this time, when he has to throw in extra to cover marital debt my attorney is going to have that excluded from spousal support. It will show up as a contribution to the marital debt, which it is, instead of as spousal support to me. And as far as the bonus check is concerned I still have hope that he actually received it before leaving his company, but if he didn’t I would love to drag his ass before a judge and have him explain why he agreed to something only to turn around and voluntarily resign from his job no more than six weeks later.
The second moment was when the lawyer told me she was concerned for his mental well being. She said there were a lot of red flags coming up for her and she was very concerned that he was going to have a complete mental breakdown, especially when Harley dumps him. I explained that two years ago when he was confiding in Jezebel about his affair he told her that Harley made him happy and I remarked that according to Harley he is Daddy of the Year and she’s never been happier. This is where it begins to get really interesting.
She looked at me and said, “Are you really going to take her word for it? She’s a married woman with four kids having an affair with her cousin. He’s a paycheck to her, a sugar daddy.”
Wow! Here is a woman who has never met me, Cousinfucker or Harley and yet she has said the exact same thing that I have said, that family members have said. I’ll admit that sometimes I wonder if I’m wrong and that she’s not the real love of his life. I wonder if I say she’s just a gold digging whore to make myself feel better. But here is a woman who has seen many, many divorces over the years. She’s been doing this a long time. And she has made the same observation. In many ways it’s validation. I continue to wrestle with the idea that this is not my fault. Rationally I know it is not. But in my insane moments (yes, I do have those!) I keep coming back to the old, “What if I didn’t do this? What if I did that? Maybe I should have done this.” This lady put it all in perspective. I am correct! He’s a paycheck to Harley. She’s a desperate, gold digging mother of four who has found a sugar daddy. I’m hoping to help him run out of sugar quite soon.
The other thing she said that really resonated was I am the one that kept him grounded. She had already told me how there were a lot of red flags for her when I told her my story. She then mentioned that he has this nice little fantasy life going on and once things crumble she’s not sure he’s going to be able to keep it together. She is very worried that he will end up having a complete breakdown and lose his job. As she put it (and I’m going to paraphrase here): When things come crashing down you’re not going to be there to help put them back together this time. And I have a feeling you were that person- you kept it all going, even if he refuses to acknowledge it. Again, I have to pump my fist and shout, “Yes!”
I was indeed that person. I don’t think he has any idea how much bullshit I put up with in order to keep things going. I took care of the house, the pets, the kids, him. I cooked. I cleaned. I did his laundry. The man never had to put away his own clothes for crying out loud! I washed them, dried them, folded them, and put them away! He never had to wash a dish. He was the pampered king. When he would freak out over something small and insignificant I was the one being the soothing voice of reason. I was the one who would take charge, make the phone calls, get the job done, and interact with the people. When he got sick I was the one taking care of him, calling the doctor’s office, taking him to the doctor’s or the ER, sitting with him, running interference for him. In short, I was awesome. He no longer has me around to do all of those things. I can’t be certain but I have a definite feeling that Harley is not going to do those things either. She’s in it for the money, the good times, the attention. She is not going to be eager to deal with the real him and she’s certainly not going to be standing by him if he ever loses his job and spirals down into a heap of self pity.
So now in addition to being left after twenty plus years, abandoned in a new town that he insisted we move to, him deserting his two children, and him quitting his job and moving out of state I also get to wait for the inevitable breakdown. I’ve gotta be honest here. I’m kinda looking forward to it on the one hand. On the other hand, he’s not going to be of any use to me in a psych ward, or as an alcoholic who can’t keep a job. It’s a real quandary, I tell you. I’d love to see him suffer (hey, I’m only human!) but I’m beginning to think that if he suffers the kids and I will suffer as well. What to do…. What to do….
12 thoughts on “Is My New Lawyer Psychic?”
Some of your story is like reading my own. I kept my ex on the straight and narrow when it came to finances. Now he is bankrupt. He is a brilliant man, but with the sensibilities of a child.
This new lawyer sounds like a good one. She knows her stuff and you feel understood by her. That’s important. I hope u keep her.
It is sad how similar these stories are, isn’t it? Was your ex also a so-called genius? CF always insisted he had a very high IQ and he could be a member of Mensa.
Here’s the sad thing. When I met him he was living on his own. He cooked, he cleaned, he did his own laundry and paid his own bills. I did find it interesting that he had lots and lots of charts showing exactly how much money he had down to the penny although he never had a plan to pay off any of his debts.
Oh well! He’ll find out sooner or later what he got himself into.
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Indeed he was a “genius” just like yours though: not smart enough to know a good thing. Crazy huh? Mark my words: his ego is going to be his downfall!
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I’m caught between a rock and a hard place! On one hand I’d love to see him fall. It’s going to be legen- Wait for it! – dary! On the other hand I’d love to see him paying his court ordered child and spousal support! Any way I could have both, ya think?
This is super interesting. So…I know right now there is not a CHANCE you would take him back, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he came crawling back to you at some point. How do you prepare yourself for that? Like if that happened next week I would love it because I can hear your responses to him in my head, haha, but how do you deal with it down the road when he’s begging for forgiveness or promising you he is a changed man? (again I’m sure that thought is laughable but is.that a possibility that it.might be a struggle to watch him self-destruct when he tells you he can only heal if you’ll help him or something like that?
Also I do like your attorneys insight! And is he now living with Harley? What a freaking joke!!
I don’t think he’s living with her if the job information is correct. Too far of a commute. I also don’t think he’ll ever come crawling back, although you are the 3rd or 4th person to mention that. I think he might wish he had never done it but I think he has way too much pride to ever humble himself before me and ask for a second chance. In any instance the answer would be no, as you quite rightly assumed. If I’m really honest the only thing that would make me hesitate is the chance of getting my life back, making sure my kids and I are financially secure and that Rock Star can graduate from her high school. Looking back on our relationship though I’ve done almost everything on my own. Looking back I can see how selfish and entitled he was. My kids are happier with him gone. Rock Star said this past weekend she’s glad he’s gone because now I don’t have to put up with him and she no longer has to act like everything is ok when she’s around him. For some reason it also really ticks her off that CF was not a good male role model for her brother. So even though I may initially *think* I would be doing us all a favor by returning to him the reality is he’s proven what kind of a person he is and how he handles stress and unhappiness. He goes off and finds someone else. He throws me under the bus to garner sympathy. I wouldn’t be securing my future or that of my children. I would just be killing time until he does it again.
Sounds like you found your lawyer! The rest is a conundrum…wanting to see the “fruit” of his choices resulting in the destruction that they should, yet definitely hoping that the (modified) financial agreement actually happens. You are simply an amazing person, and I KNOW things will work out exponentially in your interest – maybe not how you see it from this moment – but it will. HUGS.
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Thank you for your kind words and support. I do truly hope it all turns out for the best. I’ve haven’t been sleeping or eating well lately and I cry at the drop off a hat over what this is going to do to my daughter who is so happy here. I’m crossing my fingers it gets better.
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We are ALL crossing our fingers with you! I know it is hard…but take care of you… HUGS.
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I’m so happy to see all the support you are getting from your followers! When you’re going thru sonething like this, you can’t get too much confirmation.
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So glad that the new lawyer seems like a good fit. As someone who has read your entire blog, I wondered if your POS had disappeared because he had a nervous breakdown or worse.
His meltdown needs to come much later, once your kids are grown and you can manage financially.
I am sure she told you that she can subpoena his pay records from his employer if necessary.
What are you doing about 2015 taxes? You have to protect yourself.
As to your daughter, perhaps if you start researching the high school that she would attend if you move home at the end of the school year, it will make you start feeling more comfortable. And also, perhaps, the in state college options there,
do you need to empty the bank accounts now so he doesn’t?
I completely agree about the breakdown needing to come much later, Alice! She did say she intends to subpoena his employment records, along with his bank records. Hooray! As for the 2015 taxes I have no income. He started having all of his pay stubs, insurance cards, etc. go to his work address and that includes his W-2 so I don’t have access to it. Aside from taking off with the return which I believe he would do in a heartbeat, I don’t think there’s any way he can hurt me. I suppose he could lie about stuff. If he’s filing married but separate I think he’ll take a hit so he will need my signature for married filing jointly. I have already taken care of emptying out the bank accounts. I transferred our money over into an account he couldn’t touch when I found out about his affair, the stock, him giving her money, and him interviewing for a job out of state. I do believe that pissed him off.
The high school thing is always going to be upsetting. I feel horrible taking her away from yet another set of friends and from everything she does here. We’re at a 3A rural school so she has really been able to shine. The school she would be attending if we move will be either a 5A or a 6A. She is not going to be known school wide like she is now. I’m sure she’ll live but I’m equally sure she’s not going to like it. The bright side is since she knew I was planning to move back to my home state she has decided she wants to go to my alma mater which is in that state. If we move back sooner rather than later she can go directly to college instead of having to sit out a year to establish residency.