Yet Another Bad Dream

Have you ever had a dream where you woke up pissed off at the other person in your dream?  I remember CF having a dream where I had an affair (oh the irony!) and he was mad at me the next day.  I’m like, “Dude, it’s your dream!”  He didn’t care.  Now, don’t get me wrong.  It’s not like he wouldn’t talk to me or anything.  It didn’t rise to the level of a fight.  He simply woke up with residual bad feelings towards me because of this dream.

So…. I had a dream the other night and I was definitely not proud of *my* behavior in this dream.  I’m going to classify this as a bad dream because what did happen is the stuff of my nightmares!  Rock Star and Picasso (my son is a talented artist) went with CF for visitation.  Like a week long visit.  I picked them up and we got to talking about what all they had done while they were away.  In this dream (nightmare) they had family pictures taken with their dad, Harley and her kids.  Harley also owned a pizza restaurant and the kids ate there frequently and loved it.  Is any of this making anybody else sick?  This is the point at which I lost my shit and even though it was a dream I’m not proud of my behavior.  Dream Sam was not happy and was yelling at her kids, telling them that maybe if Harley was so wonderful they should just move in with her.  Then I woke up.  Thank God!

The reality is I don’t want that bitch anywhere near my kids.  I feel for anyone who is dealing with a double whammy of being betrayed by their spouse and knowing that their kids actually like the other person.  I know people say that it is far better if the OP likes the kids and is good to them but I am in no way prepared for that.  Selfishly I hope I never have to find out.  Is that wrong?

Look, I’m a chump.  I have a kind heart and I try my best to be fair.  The last thing I want to do is be accused of alienating my kids from their dad.  So I have my moments where I think I need to do more to make it possible for my kids to have a relationship with their father.  Some days I think it would be good for my kids to have a decent relationship with their father.  Rock Star has said it makes her sad whenever she sees little girls out with their dads because it reminds her that she doesn’t have one.  Picasso seems more… accepting.  His stance seems to be:  My dad is dead to me. There’s nothing I can do about his behavior and the things he has done so why dwell on it?  Don’t look back.

The truth is I think we all come at this from different places in life.  The reality for my kids is that their dad never played a huge role in their lives to begin with.  I don’t say this to tear him down.  It’s a simple fact.  He spent most of his time holed up in his bedroom.

Yes, he did go to a lot of Picasso’s sporting events, mainly hockey and baseball.  I do remember him being so embarrassed by Picasso’s antics on the baseball field when he was four or five.  “Doesn’t that embarrass you when he’s laying on the grass?” he asked me.  “Well, he’s four and all the other kids are doing the same thing, so no.  He’s a kid!  If he were 14 and doing that, sure; I would be embarrassed then.”  He was never a fan of soccer so I don’t think he went to many, if any, of those games.  I don’t think he ever went to a tae kwon do belt testing either.  Then again, CF was big into sports so that was something he had in common with his son.  Why that didn’t extend to Rock Star I’m not sure.  I suppose because he said it made him so nervous.  To which I say, “Suck.It.Up!”  Does he think I enjoyed watching my daughter fly off the uneven bars and break her back?  I did not!  But I was there; I didn’t need to be told about it after the fact.  Does he think it was fun watching her hit her head while she was doing a back handspring on beam in practice?  It was not.  I ducked my head and clenched my eyes tightly shut and was close to tears seeing my girl crying.  But I was there.  I was there for every fall, every bad meet, every good meet.  I was there when she struggled to get back on bars.  I was there when she would cry all the way home from a meet because of disappointment (thankfully, that only lasted one season!).  I was there even when my stomach was in knots and I thought I would throw up because I was so nervous for her.

He liked to play video games with Picasso.  Sometimes.  Other times, especially towards the end, he “didn’t feel like it”.

He was never left alone with the two of them until they were both practically teenagers.  Sadly, I hear they had a really great time.  My daughter told me that she was hoping I would go out of town more often because her dad could actually be a lot of fun.  Eating out, movies, family fun centers… It was a great time.  Unfortunately, he didn’t do that often.  Even family outings where I accompanied him didn’t happen all that often.  There were some.  I have always said I will give credit where credit is due.  I spent a lot more time with my kids without him around than I did with him.

Here’s another sad fact.  Both of those kids *wanted* his time and attention.  They enjoyed spending time with him when he was in a good mood.  Too bad he wasn’t in a good mood often.  Two things stand out for me in recent times.  The first was Picasso telling a therapist that if a miracle occurred it would be that his dad would finally be better and they could play games together and do all the things his dad had talked about doing with him.  It would also include his dad checking in to see how *he* was doing, instead of Picasso being the one who always had to go to his dad.  The second thing was Rock Star telling me she got tired of coming into our room to talk and the first thing her dad would say was not, “How was your day?” or “How are you?’  Rather it was, “Time to get out of my chair.  That’s where I sit.”

I can worry and wonder if I’m being fair all the days of my life.  When you look at it objectively there is really nothing I can do to make him *want* to spend time with them, to make them a priority.  He didn’t do it when they lived with him.  What on earth makes me think I can do anything to change that now that he lives seven hours away from them?  He made his choice when he deliberately moved away from his kids.  I don’t control that.  I will not be put in a position where I take responsibility for that.  It is not my job to cover for him or to make excuses for him.  It’s not my responsibility to lie for him.  My only duty to him is to not interfere with his relationship with them.  I have not.  Never have I told him he couldn’t see them.  I have not once told him he was not welcome at any of their events (although I did tell him once that Rock Star didn’t want him coming to something).  He’s lived with them up until a month ago.  He’s had access to everything.  He’s had opportunities to take them out to dinner, lunch, or breakfast. He’s had the chance to go into their rooms and talk to them. He’s had access to their cell phones so that he could text them or call them. He’s had the chance to take them to school or pick them up from activities.  Hell, he’s even had the ability to ask them if they wanted to go with him on one of his many weekends down to visit the whore!  He didn’t choose to do any of that.  He decided spending weekends with the whore and her kids was more important than spending time with his own kids.  He doesn’t do anything that’s difficult so why would he offer to take them somewhere, or do something with them and be rebuffed? Ultimately, he is responsible for his relationship or lack thereof, with his children.  I’m sure he spins it that I’ve turned them against him.  That way he’s the victim.  He takes absolutely no responsibility for his actions that have caused them to feel betrayed by him.  If he had been a decent father throughout the years I might be facing the reality that I would have to share my kids with Harley.  Instead it’s just a bad dream.

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