You Can’t Blame the Other Woman & Other Bullshit Lies

I’m sure you’ve heard this before.  The other woman didn’t make vows to you.  She doesn’t owe you anything.  You need to put the focus where it belongs, squarely on your husband.

Does anyone else think a good old fashioned throat punching would make you feel better the next time someone utters one of those cliches?

This is my take on it.  An affair is a two person crime.  My husband may have made vows but if he didn’t find a whore to pat his bald little head, shoot sunshine up his ass, and spread her legs for him there would have been no affair.  You can’t have one without the other.  Do I blame him?  Oh, you bet your ass I do!  Do I think he’s some poor unsuspecting victim of her female charms and wiles?  Not in a million years.  I absolutely know he knew exactly what he was doing and that he acted with malice from the moment he took that call from her.  But make no mistake- Harley is not a random innocent in this breakup of my family.  She knew he was married, knew he had kids.  She even knew he had insisted he would never leave his kids behind and would never leave me.  I would go so far as to say she’s a deceitful, manipulative gold digging whore with a record who was patiently waiting for a chance to lay claim to her sugar daddy once again when I was no longer looking.  The bitch friended everyone in his family on Facebook, including his stepfather’s relatives and I believe I have mentioned how she never interacted with them until CF dumped her.  She’s a parasite.

I hate this idea that the OP is in the clear because they didn’t make any promises to you and they owe you nothing.  Is there anyone out there that grew up thinking it was perfectly fine to fuck another person’s spouse?  Anyone?  It is wrong, period.  You don’t have sex with someone else’s significant other.  If you do you are doing something wrong.  I look at it this way.  There are lots of people I don’t owe anything.  That doesn’t mean I get to be a douche to them.  I don’t get to say, “Gee, that Britney always seems to have a lot of money.  I’m not her friend; I don’t owe her anything.  Next time she goes to the bathroom and leaves her wallet in her desk I’m going to grab a twenty.  She won’t even notice.”  I don’t get to embezzle money from someone’s bank account just because they never use the money that is in it.  I don’t get to take home trinkets from their house because I don’t think they’re properly caring for them.  I don’t get to kidnap your kids or your pets because I don’t like the way you treat them, even when I owe you nothing.

Oh I know!  “But, Sam, those things are all illegal!  Adultery isn’t illegal!”  And yet, I’ve seen it pointed out by others that if our spouses were our business partners we could have them arrested for the crap they’ve done.  In that instance it is illegal.  As a business partner you’re not legally allowed to defraud the other person; you can’t take company money and spend it on whores and their children.   Furthermore, if someone else came along while you were in business and convinced your partner to embezzle money and slide it his/her way, or encouraged them to violate your business agreement and go into business with him/her you would have legal options to pursue.

I like this jail/crime analogy because I’ve long wondered about that type of thinking.  The other woman is blameless because she didn’t owe you anything.  You can only “punish” your spouse.  He was married to you so he’s the only one you should be concerned with.  Hmmmm….. here’s a question.  If that’s true, that you can’t hold the other woman responsible, then why is Charles Manson sitting in a jail cell?  He hasn’t killed a damn soul; he simply *suggested* that to others and they took him up on that suggestion.  If I mastermind a bank heist but get others to do the actual job am I not also legally culpable? Here’s another question I’m always tempted to ask when I hear that asinine logic.  If someone hires a hitman to take another person out, who should be punished then?  The person who hired the other person?  That person is probably the one who actually has a relationship with the victim and therefore owes them something (or at least owes it to that person to not kill him or her!).  Or should the person who actually did the deed be punished?  I mean, that is the person who actually did it.  Perhaps, and I know this is going to sound crazy but try to stay with me, they are both responsible and both of them should be punished.

Bear with me as I examine two real life cases of this.  The first one is someone I don’t know.  I’ve seen her story via her blog which was pointed out to me on Facebook a few years ago.  Her story was so sensational that Dateline and Dr. Phil have covered it as well.  I’m going to use names since it’s a very public situation.  In this story Ashlee’s husband, Emmett, cheated on her with his paralegal, Kandi.  To complicate matters Kandi’s husband, Rob, had cheated on her prior to her affair with her boss.  So, you have a cheating husband who gets pissed off when he finds out his wife is now cheating on him.  Meanwhile, Ashlee and Emmett had five young children.  The oldest were a set of twins who were five, I believe.  The youngest was 6 weeks old.  Ashlee found out Emmett was cheating on her when the police came to her door in the middle of the night to inform her her husband had been shot and killed by the jealous husband.

I’ve read her blog.  The heartache that she and her children experienced is… well, heartbreaking.  She writes of them crying out for their daddy, blaming themselves and promising to be good if only he’ll come back, not believing that he’s really dead.  I think that’s the part that gets me the most.  As much as it hurt her and made her doubt her worth, seeing her write about her small children and knowing the hell that those selfish people put them through is what turns my stomach.

Yes, Ashlee’s husband paid the ultimate price for his betrayal.  Rob is in prison. He will miss out on his daughters’ milestones, won’t get to watch them grow up, won’t get to be a dad to them.  Kandi quickly changed her story and sided with her husband, testified for him in court; at one point the judge even said he had never seen anyone so thoroughly discredit themselves in all his time on the bench.  I’ve seen her give interviews and talk about what happened and while she pays lip service to being sorry it’s mainly all about herself.  She’s not sorry she fucked another woman’s husband.  She’s not sorry for what those five kids are going through.  She’s sorry it didn’t work out like she thought it would.  She doesn’t like people looking at her as though she’s a whore.

Here’s the irony.  I’m sure many people would have questioned what Ashlee did wrong to make her husband turn to another woman.  I’m sure many people would say that Kandi is not to blame and that if Ashlee wants to blame anyone it should all fall on Emmett.  In other words, Kandi plays no part in the fact that Ashlee is a widow and that her five young children lost their father.  Leave that poor woman alone!  She’s mourning the loss of her young lover.  Or, depending on the day, she’s standing by her poor victimized husband who rots in jail for killing her hot-headed lover in self-defense.  Yet, Kandi is in prison.  You know why?  Oh, not because she fucked a married man.  And not because Emmett ended up dead.  That’s all personal crap.  No one cares about that.  No, she’s in prison because she embezzled money from the law firm she worked at before, the firm that fired her which led to Emmett snapping her up to work for him at his own office.

That is a perfect example.  She pays no penalty for being the catalyst that led to a man’s murder.  No one is supposed to judge her for sleeping with a married man and a father of five.  Ashlee isn’t supposed to want her pound of flesh because it’s all her husband’s fault and he was the only one making vows to her.  Kandi is blameless and she owes Ashlee nothing.  But let Kandi cheat on and steal from her employer and she lands in prison. Hmmm…. wouldn’t that validate the idea that these other women aren’t the poor helpless victims of love that everyone wants to claim they are?  That maybe they know exactly what they are doing and they don’t give a shit as long as they get what they want?  Ultimately, she’s a conniving, dishonest person who takes what doesn’t belong to her, whether it’s money or someone’s husband.  Unfortunately, only one of those situations will land her in prison.  The other situation results in lots of excuses for her behavior and how it’s not her fault.

Here is another example.  By golly, wouldn’t you know it’s yet another story straight out of the “Welcome to the Jungle” files?  Pay close attention because this gets confusing.  Tammy Faye is married to Pastor Fake and she and Harley are cousins.  Harley has sisters, which makes them also Tammy Faye’s cousins.  One of her sister’s was cheated on by her husband.  Her husband didn’t cheat on her with just anyone, though.  Oh no!  He cheated on her with Pastor Fake’s first wife.  So, basically Tammy Faye’s cousin’s husband had an affair with her husband’s ex-wife.  Writing this all down I don’t know why I’m so surprised Cousinfucker cheated on me with someone in his family.  That seems to be the M.O.  Yet I can’t help wondering how Harley could have watched her sister go through that and then think, “Yeah, I’m going to do to someone else what was done to my sister.”  Then again, I’m sure the sister is supporting Harley and Zack and their true love and unending happiness.

Of course many fucked up things ensued.  There was the fact that the two cheaters were conveniently re-writing history and telling everyone that he was the actual father of Pastor Fake’s youngest son.  Pastor Fake’s kids were all over their mom and her brand new husband because they had tons of cash and were spending it liberally.  Tammy Faye even wondered aloud where on earth they were coming up with all this cash.  Any guesses?  We’re talking about cheating and jail time so the answer should be obvious.

Yes, Pastor Fake’s ex-wife (let’s call her Bonnie, as in Bonnie & Clyde) was embezzling from her job.  Wow- I wonder how frequently those two things go together! Furthermore, I wonder if the day will come when I will get the call that Cousinfucker is in jail for embezzling!  Harley’s already been arrested multiple times so I figure it’s just a matter of time before she leads CF behind bars.

This is the interesting part and dovetails nicely with the whole:  He was the only one that made vows to you; you need to concentrate on him!  I don’t recall Clyde actually embezzling.  He knew what she was doing.  He was more than willing to help spend the money.  I don’t even know for certain if he helped to come up with the plan.  Nonetheless, they both went to prison.  I guess the courts really didn’t care that only Bonnie had a responsibility to her employer and that Clyde didn’t owe them anything.  Once again you have two people that ended up in prison for cheating and defrauding a business.  Nothing happened to them for cheating on Harley’s sister, unless you consider a divorce a consequence.  Despite the apologists cries to concentrate only on the person who made vows, the person who “owes” you, the justice system threw them both in jail.  She may have come up with the plan; she may have even been the only one to execute the plan.  But he was along for the ride and Lady Justice held him equally responsible.  Too bad more people don’t do that in real life.

How did this love story end, you ask?  Once they went to prison Bonnie divorced Clyde.  She remarried some guy she met at the halfway house she lived in once she got out.  I got to spend Thanksgiving dinner with her and the fellow ex-con one year.  I’ve lived a very colorful life thanks to Cousinfucker and his family.  Of course, that marriage didn’t last either and last I heard she was single, although occasionally hitting on Pastor Fake.

14 thoughts on “You Can’t Blame the Other Woman & Other Bullshit Lies

  1. I think the woman he cheated with carries a share of blame. I feel that us women have a duty to eachother, to help eachother, not F eachother up. It’s a crime against women to knowingly get between a husband and wife. She knew about you, so she willingly took part in the destruction of your marriage.

    Liked by 5 people

  2. I agree they share part of the blame, yes we take issue with the cheating partner and its up to them to make amends but the other woman is not some blameless innocent bystander. This also goes for the other woman who says she isn’t the other woman because they’re not sleeping together but continues to be ‘close friends’ with another woman’s husband being an ear to listen while he bangs on about how terrible his marriage ….building a closeness to him while pulling him further and further away from his wife and marriage…because really you’re both just waiting for the right time to actually bang!

    You know what else deserves a punch in the throat? Things like ‘an affair is just a symptom of a bigger problem in the marriage’ or ‘the betrayed must face her part in creating an environment where cheating was an attractive option’ These make me go AAAAHHHHHH!

    Sorry rant over! , feel a bit better now lol 😀

    Liked by 6 people

    1. Oh, don’t even get me started on that whole “What was your part in the marriage that led to the affair?” and the bullshit of affairs being symptoms. Throat punch them all! Feel free to rant away.

      Liked by 2 people

  3. Yeah the whole therapy thing about what was lacking in the relationship for Charles to go astray.. really? Uh.. anyone care I live and made babies with a liar, manipulative douche bag there therapist?
    This post is spot on. I really think if marriage is so sacred and there is such a hoopla about same-sex marriage why aren’t Christian organizations working towards laws to prosecute adultery?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Come on over to Chump Lady; she’ll tell you it wasn’t your fault and that it was his own poor choices that led him down that path. 😉

      As far as finding adultery laws, good luck. Everything has been so watered down anymore. They don’t care if someone cheats. I guess the one nice thing in my state is that someone who gets cheated on won’t have to pay spousal support if they can prove the adultery. That wouldn’t help me because I was a SAHM, but at least for men who have unfaithful wives they don’t end up having to support them.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Depending on the state in which you live or the affair happened in a state in which you can sue for alienation of affection there are certain laws against adultery. We don’t live in a state that you can sue the AP but his affair was in a state that upholds laws against alienation of affection. If my husband’s affair resulted in a divorce for us I would’ve definitely sued the shit out of the OW!!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I know that some states have the alienation of affection laws. I’m pretty sure I’ve heard it’s difficult to find a lawyer willing to take on the case. I do recall a woman appearing on Oprah years and years ago who did sue her husband’s mistress. Personally, I love the idea. I’d go so far as to say the cheater forfeits everything- the house, the retirement, the kids, all assets, everything! Unfortunately, the courts won’t agree with me.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I feel the same way! I had looked into it and called an attorney about where I stood since my husband asked for a divorce out of the blue. Their affair took place in a state that has alienation of affection laws. Luckily for my husband he came to his senses quickly and cut contact with the OW.


  5. I’m 100% in agreement with you. Both, BOTH are fully responsible. I do not look at my husband and think for one flipping minute that he was tricked, fooled, or cajoled into cheating on me by the wiley and frothy SW, or AL, or anyone else, but neither is it the other way around. Both of my H long-term APs (one of them had two affairs with him) were AT MY WEDDING. It is the most ridiculous concept that because the AP didn’t make the vows to the wife, she owes her nothing. No…she really doesn’t owe the wife anything, but for Gods sake, she owes the honoring of a contract and a commitment something. She owes herself something. You have written several excellent examples above at the absurdity of the concept that since it isn’t HER CONTRACT/vow/relationship she can just do whatever and is completely **shocked** when anger and venom comes her way at DDay. I could name ten more. Yes, this is one of the most shocking concepts and I am wholeheartedly NOT in agreement that it is the cheating spouse only who should be held accountable. It is equally on the shoulder of the partner who agrees to be hidden…thanks for this post.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You’re welcome. It always grates on me when people make statements like that which is why I wrote about it. Two of his APs were at your wedding? Oh my! Harley wasn’t AT the wedding but she was invited. I went through all of our old cards from our showers and the wedding and found the card she signed. Left it for CF since he was whining about me throwing away all his memories.

      Liked by 2 people

  6. Sign me up for a throat punch! In my situation, my husband and I worked together with the affair partner. She saw my husband and I together for 8 months before getting drunk with my husband on a work trip and then inviting him to her hotel room where she answered the door naked. There was no confusion about whether or not he was married — she simply didn’t care. For both of them, what they wanted in the moment was more important that right and wrong, good or evil, devastation versus loyalty.

    I blame my husband for the affair. The responsibility was on him to be man enough to turn down uncomplicated sex, no matter the circumstance under which it was presented. He failed miserably. But the affair partner was and is an example of evil in this world. Her intentions were to destroy me, and I think she’s more upset her she failed in that regard than she is that my husband ended the affair abruptly and without explanation beyond that he wanted to work things out with me.

    Are all affair partners evil? Are all of them acting under intentions to deliberately harm? No, I think the majority are hurt and damaged and incapable of making the kind of relationship decisions that lead to healthy, happy partnerships. But some of them have made such terrible decisions that they’ve reached the point of no return, and that’s when things turn from simply damaged to dangerous.

    Sorry for the long comment! This post was a great read and got my mind reeling!


    1. Thanks; I’m glad you enjoyed it.

      I’m not sure I would even go so far as to say that the affair partners are hurt and damaged. I think they’re just selfish and have poor character. In my case both CF and Harley were married when the affair began. I’m hoping they enjoy every bit of happiness that they deserve.

      Your husband’s AP really takes the cake! It takes some nerve to work with the wife every day and still make a play for her husband. And answering the door naked? Wow!

      Liked by 1 person

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