I have been so good throughout this entire experience. Even before I began reading Chump Lady I knew I needed to find out what I was entitled to and needed to start lining my ducks up. It’s a wonderful plan and I highly recommend it if you choose divorce but it does not leave much room for taking revenge on your cheating sonofabitch by outing him (or her) in a most public way. I console myself by thinking of different ways that I would have loved to have busted him. Would you like to hear them? These are not in any particular order.
#1 I believe I have shared how I was notified that he was cheating and less than three days later he took off to visit his “best friend”. Only he wasn’t going to see Blockhead; he was going to see Harley. Lying sonofabitch! At that point my mom, christened Elderly P.I. by my brother, took off to where Harley lived to stake out her place and see if his car was there. It was. So Fantasy #1 was to simply send him a text with a picture of his car and the word Busted. Alternative Fantasty #1 would be to send him the picture of his car along with the the caption, “Hey, isn’t that your car? Funny, that’s not Blockhead’s house.”
#2 This one would also have taken place during that particular weekend. I believe I also shared how the lying sack of shit tried to get me to send him pictures of my fantastic rack while he’s screwing the whore. I refused. Fired up on indignation in Fantasy #2 I would FaceTime the fuckhead and act normal at first. Then I would hit him over the head with it.
Me: You want those pictures now? I can do it right here, right now. But first, I want you to do something for me.
Cousinfucker: Whatever you want!
Me (beginning to tease my shirt upwards): Are you sure? You’ll do anything?
Cousinfucker: Yes! Yes!
Me (teasing my shirt up even more): Can you tell that whore Harley I said hi and she’s welcome to you?
Cousinfucker sits there with his mouth hanging open like a carp.
Me: And while you’re at it, don’t bother to come home you incestuous bastard! Your shit will be on the lawn. You can come collect it Monday morning. After that it’s gone.
Cousinfucker still has a stupid expression on his face.
Me: Oh, hey, did I mention I’ve already talked to a lawyer and according to him you’re going to paying me out over 75% of your paycheck? Yeah, turns out here in our new state they take your annual gross salary, which means they’re going to be including your bonus and your stock. I hope you like living on your bonus check. Also, turns out all that money you’ve been spending on the whore you get to pay me 50% of that. And, I’ve cleared out the checking and savings accounts and put that money someplace safe so you can’t continue to give it to the whore and her kids. Finally, and this is really important, I’m filing for divorce on Monday. You have fun fucking that whore!
#3 A slight alternative of Fantasy #2 would have been responding to his text where he was demanding to know why I hadn’t sent him any naked pictures. My response? Why don’t you have Harley show you hers? Or, upon him asking, “Why haven’t you sent me any pictures?” I could have replied, “Because you’re fucking Harley. Go take a look at hers, you sick fuck!”
#4 No phone call. He walks out to his car at work after he has returned from his lovefest weekend. Finds clothes and various household items in and around his car. Big sign on the front and back of his car that says: I moved my wife and kids 2000 miles across the country. Now I’m having an affair with my cousin.
#5 Similar to #4 but in this one he comes home after his blissful weekend with the whore and finds his shit out on the lawn. Possibly with the locks changed, too. Just to cement the facts in his messed up mind I would send him a picture of his car the next day. Caption? Hmmm…. I told you you wouldn’t like me as an ex-wife. Or maybe more fact-based. “My mother followed your ass to Harley’s. Hope you had a great weekend because I’m filing for divorce.”
#6 When I talked to Harley’s husband I did so in the shadows. In Fantasy #6 I place the call right in front of Cousinfucker. On speakerphone.
Your wife is doing what to my husband?
Hey, Cousinfucker, did you hear that? He says you’ve been sending Harley money all summer long.
He’s paying for her divorce? Cousinfucker, how did you think you were going to pay for her divorce? You need to pay for your own divorce and for my divorce. I don’t think you have enough funds to pay for a third set of lawyer fees.
Oh, his MOM is the one who encouraged the slut to call him? I’m shocked, Saint!
He blew off our family vacation so he could attend a “family reunion” with your wife? He didn’t just want to go see his mommy; he really wanted to fuck your wife?
Tell me more, Saint! Tell me every little dirty detail!
#7 This one isn’t a fantasy about confronting him. Instead I used to fall asleep fantasizing about him driving off a mountain and how I would handle the aftermath. First, I debated even telling his family about it. I know; I know. That’s just evil and I’m better than that. Yes, I probably am. I did consider telling the nice, imaginary state trooper that he or she needed to contact Tammy Faye or Harley because I wasn’t going to be the one responsible for telling people. Up next was recovery of his remains. IF I even claimed his body I would have had him cremated. No big deal because that’s what he said he wanted. I was torn on whether or not I’d send Tammy Faye his ashes. I’m sure she would want them but she’s pissed me off and I have no pity for her. I seriously debated just tossing his ashes in the trash and throwing them out in the garbage. There are probably regulations against that, but hey, this is my revenge fantasy. I wouldn’t have a funeral or a memorial service. I’d tell Tammy Faye if she wanted to have one for him then she and the whore could pay for it. I was weighing the pros and cons on that. I figured if his kids wanted some sort of a service to say goodbye then I would be willing to have something, but otherwise no dice. Naturally Harley would NOT be welcome if I did end up having a service for the kids. I’m sure the rest of his family would be cringing at the thought of me being in charge and having to potentially be nice to me. I would not have hesitated to kick their asses to the curb if they gave me even the slightest hint of attitude. That’s assuming, of course, that they would even be willing to travel to our town for his service. Tammy Faye and Harley might have ended up coughing up money for their own funeral after all. Finally, I would immediately cancel Harley’s and her daughter’s cell phones and have my lawyer draft a letter to her informing her she needed to turn the phones over to me within 7 days or I would sue her. I don’t know if I really could have but I’d like to think that I could. It would be the same with all the crap he bought her and her kids. If I could sue her to recoup my losses I would.
To be clear while the thought of wrecking havoc upon his death was comforting to me in the early days I wasn’t looking to actually hasten his demise. I would not have been sad but I wasn’t looking to do the deed myself.
#8 Also not a fantasy about confronting him but rather what I sometime wish I had done. In this fantasy I out him completely. I rent a few billboards- one close to his workplace, one close to where she lives, one close to where she works. And then I post pictures and the story- He moved his family across the country and then began an affair with his cousin. She knowingly began an affair with a married man. P.S. She’s married, too… with four kids. I haven’t really given the caption a lot of thought. I might go with something a little snappier.
#9 I heavily considered going to church where his boss attended. I don’t know if that would have benefitted me. Judging by his response when I found out CF had resigned and left the state it probably wouldn’t have. Then again, maybe if I had started attending right away I could have presented my side of the story first. Obviously, I wouldn’t have started off with, “He’s a lying, cheating sonofabitch.” I’m sure I could have subtlely worked it in somehow. Maybe over lunch….
#10 This one would not have been in my best interest but if I were intent upon completely wrecking him I could have sent a letter to either his boss or someone in HR, telling them about the various charges he was putting on his corporate card and how he drank everyday at lunch time. I’m not sure if anything would have been done about the corporate card because I’m fairly certain that as long as he paid it off and didn’t try to submit it as a company expense, they didn’t care. But I could also inform them that he was taking business trips with his mistress and they might want to look into that. I’m also fairly certain they would have been very interested in the drinking over the course of his two hour lunch break. Fortunately for him I knew that if I got him fired it would impact me financially. Sure, arrears would build up but that wouldn’t have helped me at the time.
In the end what really happened was I was informed of his infidelity; I talked to The Saint and learned about the scope of his treachery. I kept my mouth shut while I collected financial information and made appointments to talk to lawyers. I kept playing the game while I made sure the information I had been given was true. Eventually I transferred the money from our accounts into an account he couldn’t access seeing as how he’d been lying and giving the whore money all summer. The day that I went to sign the papers to file for divorce was the day he discovered the missing money. It was pretty anticlimactic. He asked what had happened to the money and I told him I had taken steps to protect myself and my kids. Thirty minutes later he’s asking if I’m still going to make him spaghetti for dinner. Ah, but a girl can dream…