A while back I wrote about the songs on my Freedom song list. There were many and I have added a few more. There are a few songs, though, that I can’t listen to. Perhaps “can’t” listen to them is a bit dramatic. I no longer like to hear them is probably more apt.
First up on that list is “Just Give Me a Reason” by Pink. I loved this song back in 2013. After CF’s confession about “texting” with other women and him later telling me he didn’t know if he loved me anymore I truly believed this song represented us. I listened to it all summer while he was sexting and texting Harley and I was doing a pick me dance I didn’t even know I was doing. Just listen to Pink! Hear her wise words! We’re not completely broken. We’re bent. We can recover. We are the Six Million Dollar Man- we will rebuild, we will be faster, stronger, better than before! This song spoke to me and gave me hope. Now I hear it and it just makes me sad. We weren’t bent; we were broken, never to be healed.
Even worse for me is John Legend’s “All of Me”. Shortly after I found out about his second affair with Harley, when all I could do was watch TV in a stupor, I was catching up on “Baby Daddy”. Towards the end of the episode Bonnie’s boyfriend, Brad, proposes to her by singing this song. It was a lovely little group song and dance number and I had to fast forward through it. “Just Give Me a Reason” was the song of the summer of 2013. It was the song that was supposed to give us hope. “All of Me” was the song of redemption, a song of love. That was how he supposedly felt about me now. What would he do without me? He loved all of me, my curves and my edges, every perfect imperfection, every inch of me, everything about me. Until he didn’t.
I also have no desire to listen to “Amazed” by Lone Star or “I Swear” by John Michael Montgomery. The former is the song we danced to, holding our year old daughter, at Jezebel’s second wedding. That’s all I think of now when I hear the song. I used to love it. The latter is the song Jezebel sang at our wedding.
The jury is still out on Elvis. We danced our first dance to “Love Me Tender” and CF was a huge Elvis fan. I didn’t care much about him one way or the other. I guess because you don’t hear a lot of Elvis music on regular music stations I don’t have as an averse reaction to him and that song. It could also be because when we picked that song it was solely because CF was an Elvis fan. The song itself didn’t mean anything to either of us.
I can listen to “Fooled Around and Fell In Love” by Elvin Bishop but it always reminds me of our wedding. We have a lot of Polish style weddings where we got married and one of the things they traditionally do is the Dollar Dance. That was the last song that played. We danced with the last of the people who had paid to dance with us and then, in a moment of silliness, Cousinfucker and Blockhead embraced and began slow dancing with one another and I danced with my maid of honor. Then he took me into his arms and we danced the last bit of that song with each other. I probably wouldn’t have even remembered it that vividly but my uncle recorded most of my reception for me and that moment was captured. I remember other songs from my wedding but none of them seem to affect me that way.
Just on principle I can’t stand to listen to anything by LeeAnn Rimes or Jason Aldean. I only have one or two songs by Cheater Aldean but I used to love LeeAnn Rimes. CF and I even went to see her at the county fair almost 20 years ago. I’m sure there are other cheaters out there putting out music but those two always spring to mind, especially because of all the paparazzi coverage they received.
Finally, on a slightly funny note, every time I listen to Hozier’s “Take Me to Church” I envision CF and his drama queen antics. He had laid his head on my lap, or he was draped over the couch, or anywhere that someone might see him, singing along and bawling his eyes out. Oh, the tortured song that flowed from his lips. I’m sure he thought the lyrics:
Take me to church
I’ll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies
I’ll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife
Offer me that deathless death
Good God, let me give you my life
were prophetic. I, on the other hand, do not think they mean what he thought they meant! This was when he was heavily into this idea that he was suffering from PTSD and “American Sniper” had brought up so many horrible memories for him. It takes a special kind of evil to use war and dead people to gain sympathy for your “tortured” soul. I’m sure he thought Hozier was pouring out his heart about all of his sins and begging for absolution and good ol’ Cousinfucker was right there with him. I’ll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife. Ah, yes; that’s the line that had him hooked, I would guess. Such a drama queen. He had to do it in front of an audience. Couldn’t stay upstairs and cry by himself. Oh no, people needed to see this! They needed to be included in the agony he was enduring.
Excuse me while I go vomit.