I talked to “Anne” again. “Talked to” is a bit of a misnomer. We correspond through messages.
Is it strange that I don’t harbor animosity towards her the way I do towards Harley? She, like Harley, knew he was married. She has copped to being married herself at the time this happened. Another one of those stories where she was lonely; her husband had affairs of his own and didn’t pay much attention to her. She amended her statement about how he said horrible things about me but added, “He probably said you never had sex, but then again, that’s what all married men say.” So, she even knew he was feeding her a bunch of bullshit to keep her on the hook. She, like Harley, also didn’t care that there was a wife and two kids. He gave her attention; it made her feel good. That’s all she cared about.
I don’t know why this one doesn’t bug me. I think a big part of it is because he didn’t know her in real life. I vividly recall zooming in on Harley when he told me about her because she was *real*; for some reason I knew she was a threat. He knew her, knew how to get in contact with her. It would be easy to do so. All he had to do was say he was going to visit his mom. I discarded the “others” as no big deal. Again, I figured he had probably met them playing online games. They existed as figments of his imagination; he couldn’t get in touch with them for real without having to jump through a lot of hoops. Is it because as far as I know he never told “Anne” he loved her, never shouted from the rooftops that he was going to marry her? Perhaps it is simply because of the things I touched on in Part 2. She is evidence that Zack is fucked up. He’s a cheater, through and through. It wasn’t because he was unhappy. It wasn’t because he found the love of his life. It’s not because Harley is “the one”. He’s just an asshole and “Anne” is evidence of this.
She says she has a terrible memory so she’s not completely sure when they were sexting. She does know it was when we lived in our former state. That didn’t help me because I knew that much. As I was discussing this with my mom, Elderly P.I., I came to the conclusion that she must have contacted me after I found out about his ongoing relationship with Harley. That’s the only thing that made sense. If I had received messages from her before I wouldn’t have been so gobsmacked when he told me he had been texting other women. I clearly remember how that seemed to have come straight out of left field. I was in absolute shock. I had always said that he might one day leave me but he would never cheat. If I had received her messages before his “confession” I don’t think I would have been so shocked.
It also explains why I immediately confronted him. Seeing as how I had already been through this crap earlier I wouldn’t have dismissed her comments without saying something to him. Unfortunately, I didn’t give them nearly enough weight. Although again, going back to my PSA- give some examples, people! Don’t be cryptic. Just blurt it out. That would have got my attention. Instead, I got fuzzy, cryptic messages that I immediately brought to my husband’s attention. Big mistake!
Additionally, it offers up a reason why I was so eager to believe him when he explained it all away. I had fought like hell to keep my marriage together. The threat had been eliminated, or so I thought. Now here was yet another person claiming my husband was someone I didn’t know. I was going to get to the bottom of this and confront him, see what was up. Once he rationally explained the situation, though, I bought it hook, line, and sinker. Why? Because I wanted to. I wanted my family to remain intact. I wanted the life I had. I don’t know if I expected him to fall to his knees and beg for mercy. I don’t know if he realized he had already blown all the other women off and claimed Harley was the only one so now he couldn’t go back and retract that statement without some serious consequences. Hell, I don’t even know if this was a fourth or fifth woman, or if he was involved with her the entire time he was sexting Harley. Maybe she’s someone he began sexting after he broke things off with her. I don’t know.
Despite all the things I don’t know there are a few things I do know. That line always makes me laugh. We had a cousin (gosh, I sure do have a lot of cousins, don’t I? Imagine that- I haven’t slept with a single one of them!) who had to take an exam in college. She was an adult student, going back to school. She looks at the exam, turns it over and writes: I don’t know the answers to any of these questions. But this is what I DO know, and proceeds to write down everything she learned in the class. She got a C! If that example has taught me anything it is that is doesn’t really matter what you don’t know; you let everyone know what you do know!
This is what I do know redux!
1. It was definitely Zack she was sexting. I sent her a picture of him. He’s such an arrogant asshole he used his real fucking name and his picture on his account. She verified that it was, indeed, him.
2. She knew how many kids we had, that we had a boy and girl, that they had their own rooms and they both had TVs in them. That is some spooky shit! Hey, Cousinfucker, if you’re going to sext around with random women could you maybe leave my fucking kids out of it? Thanks!
3. She said he was an arrogant, know it all bastard, always tossing his job title around and talking about what an important job he had.
4. She knew what industry he was in.
5. She knew what state we lived in with no prompting from me. Maybe her memory isn’t all that bad???
6. She said he told her some disturbing things which prompted her to break things off with him; at that time she also told him she was going to contact me. That explains why he was able to come up with his lies so easily. He had advanced notice that this was coming.
7. She is not 100% about the claims she’s making against him. She’s not sure who he was referring to, although when given a list of names she did pick one out and say that sounded about right. She’s also not sure if he was being honest, or if he was pushing limits. She told me she really pushed his limits, although she never elaborated on that, and that he pushed hers as well. He could have been making up everything he said to her.
8. On the first evening I contacted her she said Zack had said horrible things about me. When I asked her to elaborate on what kinds of things he had said she told me that he never spoke badly about me. Again, potentially fed her the line that we never had sex, but wasn’t telling her how awful I was. That, too, puts the things she is saying into question.
9. She has frequently referred to him as a pervert and a creep. She said he never helped her as he claimed (duh!) but that it was all perverted sexting.
10. As I said the other day they met on Thumb, which is now disbanded. Eventually they took it over to Kik, which she claims is nothing but sexting. I believe it. When I asked my daughter if she had ever heard of Kik she said it was nothing but trouble and if I had the app I should delete it.
11. I asked her if he ever talked about other women to her. She said he did not. I realize that means nothing except he was smart enough not to let the OW know there were other OW.
I find messaging to be a little discombobulating. You’re asking a question at the same time they’re asking you something, or you ask two questions and they only answer one. There are things I would like to know that she hasn’t answered but I don’t think the answers ultimately matter. Does it matter if he began this relationship with her after he ended it with Harley? Does it matter if she’s #4 or #5 or #2? No. He has shown me repeatedly who he is. I don’t need more evidence.
She doesn’t bother me the way Harley does. I can’t say I feel sorry for her because she knew what she was getting into. She was married and sexting with another married man. She didn’t want to talk originally when I messaged her because she is now divorced and has a new relationship which she doesn’t want to mess up. She said she was very ashamed of her past behavior. However, she did tell me her new boyfriend is going through a divorce as well and she mentioned how pissed she was originally about some of the settlement agreements he and his STBX had made. Makes me wonder if he was already divorcing when they met or if she was once again the other woman.
I do find it funny that she offers me support, encouragement and advice. She has said things like I’m so much better off without him, we women need to stick together, I’m on the woman’s side, I hope you take him for everything he’s got, the one with the better lawyer wins. She was also giving me tips on how to interact with him during the divorce- stay no contact, don’t listen or talk to him at all, run everything through the lawyers but use them as little as possible because they cost money, keep your nose clean, take the high road. Then she’s giving me tips on how to cope with the divorce- try to act normal, cry alone and to your friends because that will be better for my kids, get counseling for me and the kids. She even tells me she is confident I will find love again. Finally she offers up legal advice and how long I can expect to get alimony and child support. She also tells me about her life- her sucky marriage, her family, how she goes to counseling, her dog.
Look, Anne, I don’t hate you the way I hate Harley. In fact, I don’t hate you at all, but we are not Cameron Diaz and Leslie Mann in “The Other Woman”. You’re inconsequential to me aside from being a source of information. I appreciate the fact that you were willing to talk to me but I have to keep in the back of my mind that you were a willing participant in a sexting relationship with my husband. I’m not sure how much, if at all, I can trust you and the things you say. You’ve got some pretty compelling evidence, and you’ve certainly given me a shitload of things to think about. I’m not lying when I say the things she told me are highly disturbing. But if I need a pep talk I’m going to turn to my friends- those I know in real life and those I’ve met through the blogging community. I’m going to turn to my family. And if I need legal advice I’m going to turn to my lawyer. I won’t take it from the shit eating chimp and I’m not going to take it from you, even though you are, so far, making a lot of sense. I also appreciate the fact that you’re trying to high five me and let me know you believe in the solidarity of women, but I just have to ask. If you really thought women should stick together, wouldn’t you have refused to have gotten involved with a married man in the first place?