Bullshit Decoded

When will I learn?  I was reviewing my Blasts From the Past, making editing notes when I came across one that mentioned another blog by name. Incidentally, it was a blog by a man who had cheated on his wife.  I decided to see if this blogger was still active (he’s not) and came across some of the comments in his last few entries.  And there it was- a comment from the “reformed wayward” spouse who thinks he is now an expert on all things infidelity because he has a bunch of cheaters who gather round him and tell him what a god he is.  I know I shouldn’t let it get to me; this comment was over a year old.  Yet, he still has an amazing ability to raise my blood pressure to new heights.  This was part of the comment:

Betrayed Spouses almost always cannot separate “the reason why the affair happened” from “an excuse for having an affair”.  They are very different.  There is almost always a reason for an affair.  Few people have them without long consideration.  Happy and content people rarely have them.  The “reason” almost always points to a very unsatisfying marital existence, if not outright neglect or abuse…They don’t “come out of nowhere”, despite what many Betrayeds swear.  But they fear that if they buy the cheater’s explanation that somehow it’s an excuse for the affair.  A “free pass”.  It’s not.  Also, if the reason the person had the affair is because they were long-term unhappy in their marriage, then the Betrayed must look in the mirror and acknowledge the role they played in creating an environment where an affair became an attractive option.  And many refuse to look into this mirror.

Until both parties can “get real” about the affair, why it occurred and what was the marital backdrop to it, real understanding, compassion, healing and forgiveness simply cannot occur.

When another poster (full disclosure- that poster has commented here, too, so if that person is reading and says, “Hey!  That sounds familiar!” it’s because it’s you) commented and refuted this “Unhappiness Made Me Do It” theory he goes on to say:

…of all that I’ve read, the articles, the blogs, the message boards, it’s quite stunning on how almost NO Betrayed Spouses are ever in any way responsible for their spouse’s deep unhappiness such that an affair became an attractive option.  Yet if you talk to Waywards (PUKE- let’s call them what they are- cheaters!), almost to a PERSON they will say that their deep marital dissatisfaction is almost always the backdrop to why they choose to do what they did.

… -Waywards (aka Cheaters) in recovery will say almost ANYTHING to get the Betrayed off their backs.  To get the yelling and recriminations to stop.  To try and get their marriage stable enough to move on from this sorry episode.  Yes, they even SWEAR that you were the most perfect of perfect spouses.  Or blame the OM/OW for the choices.  Or alcohol.  Or God knows what.  ANYTHING to get you to move on from the topic.

Oh. My. God!  Are you fucking kidding me?  This is like the friend who has been cruel and horrible telling you, “I’m sorry, but…”  See that “but”?  It negates everything else said before it.  “I’m sorry I cheated on you… but you didn’t get back into shape after our third child.”  “I’m sorry I cheated on you… but you didn’t make enough time for me.”  “I’m sorry I cheated on you; it was all my fault…. except for the fact that you wouldn’t have sex with me as often as I liked and you never cooked my favorite meal even though no one else in the family likes it and you wouldn’t text me all day long and I wanted a pony and you refused to buy me one!”

Let’s take this one small piece at a time.

Betrayed Spouses almost always cannot separate “the reason why the affair happened” from “an excuse for having an affair”.

That’s because they are basically the same thing.  You can tell me about all of your problems and why you felt compelled to cheat but the end result is you cheated because you have poor character.  You cheated because you felt entitled to cheat.  When you tell me it is all your fault and you take complete responsibility for your choices but then turn around and tell me you would have never done it if only I had done or not done some grand list of things…. you are not sorry, you don’t feel it’s really your fault, and you are not taking complete responsibility.

They are very different.  There is almost always a reason for an affair.

Yes, that reason is poor character and entitlement issues.  Again, I remind you that if you are indeed taking responsibility for your piss poor choices then you shouldn’t feel a need to put any of that off on me and my shortcomings.

Few people have them without long consideration.  Happy and content people rarely have them.

I don’t know about the long thought process before betraying your spouse.  I do know that 58% of cheaters polled said they would characterize their marriages as happy or very happy.  Granted, math has never been my strongest subject but I’m almost positive 58% constitutes a majority.  I would prefer to see 85-95%, of course, but 58% is a far cry from the “few” or “rarely” figures this person likes to throw out.

The “reason” almost always points to a very unsatisfying marital existence, if not outright neglect or abuse…They don’t “come out of nowhere”, despite what many Betrayeds swear.

Of course it does!  That’s page 48 of the Cheater’s Handbook.  Tell your spouse you were deeply unhappy.  Make your spouse take responsibility for your inability to control your actions, your entitlement issues and your poor character.  This will make your “betrayed” dance for you.  At this point be sure to give him or her a list of all the things he/she did or didn’t do that forced you to cheat.  That way you can focus on what THEY need to do, thereby taking the heat off of YOU!

Look, I’m sure Cousinfucker told people he was unhappy.  Maybe he was.  Cheating wasn’t his only recourse.

Meet Bob.  Bob is unhappy in his marriage.  Bob tells his wife he’s unhappy.  She is shocked but agrees to go to marriage counseling with him to see if they can fix things.  They go; they do fix things.  They are happy once again.

Meet Tom.  Tom is also unhappy in his marriage.  He tells his wife he is unhappy.  She tells him to go fuck himself because she doesn’t give a shit and she isn’t going to change.  Tom goes to a lawyer and files for divorce because he realizes there is no saving this marriage.

Meet Sam.  Sam was pretty fucking unhappy in her marriage.  Her husband didn’t help out with the kids, didn’t want to socialize with her or friends, didn’t want to act like any kind of a partner to her.  Did Sam spread her legs for another man?  Did Sam go out and search for someone who would tell her how pretty she was?  No.  Sam decided that happiness was a choice and if this was her life, with a husband who didn’t want to be much of a partner to her, then she would work on establishing a life that would make her happy.  She cultivated friendships, she volunteered, she took care of her house and children.  Later, her husband cheated on her with his cousin.  Sam looked at “her part”.  Sam made changes.  Sam danced so pretty it would make you cry.  She even moved across the country in order to make him happy.  Six months after the move and he was unhappy once again.  He was crying constantly, drinking, blaming everything on PTSD and refusing to get any kind of help.  Again, did Sam cheat?  No!  Sam stood by her man.  She vowed she would see him through this.  He would get better; he would recover and their marriage would once again be happy.  He cheated again.  Same whore of a cousin.  Sam still didn’t spread her legs for someone else or look for outside attention.  Instead, she filed for divorce.

The main point of those examples is that NONE OF THEM decided that unhappiness was a reason to cheat.  Especially Sam.  I think that woman should get a medal.  😉

But they fear that if they buy the cheater’s explanation that somehow it’s an excuse for the affair.  A “free pass”.  It’s not.

Look, I get that people want to believe they cheated because of something their partner did or didn’t do (and in fairness, this blogger does say that some people have personality disorders but he believes that only accounts for a very small percentage of cheaters).  The reality is that most people are unhappy at one point or another in their marriage.  Not everyone cheats though. Bob didn’t.  Tom didn’t.  Sam didn’t.  Hell, I’ve heard of men who have cheating wives and they know they’ll lose a lot of time with their kids if they divorce so they stay.  Still, they don’t cheat.  I’m sorry, if Andrew isn’t cheating when his wife is cheating on him while he’s supporting her and taking care of the kids because she’s out partying, then you have no excuse.  Instead of focusing so intently on getting “Betrayeds” to “own their part” maybe you should be thinking about what it is inside of you that makes you think cheating is an acceptable choice when you’re unhappy.  I know it’s a tall order but try examining your entitlement issues.  That may give you some insight into your own behavior because here’s the bitch- you don’t control what anyone else does.  You control you.

We don’t accept that excuse from our children so why would we accept it from full grown adults?  I no more made Cousinfucker cheat than I made him take a shower in the morning or I made him eat turnips.  For the record, he doesn’t like turnips even though he’s never eaten one, and I couldn’t get him to try one.  So, apparently I have no powers to make him eat foods he doesn’t want to and yet somehow I can compel him to stick his dick in women he doesn’t want to.  My superpower sucks!

I don’t mean to go all dark here but according to you, blogger with his head up his ass, if I decide to run my husband over with my car now that he’s cheated on me and abandoned me and my kids, I’m kinda entitled to do that and instead of pressing charges, if he lives, he should be thinking about his own actions that led me to run his ass down.  Right?  Yeah, I didn’t think so.

Also, if the reason the person had the affair is because they were long-term unhappy in their marriage, then the Betrayed must look in the mirror and acknowledge the role they played in creating an environment where an affair became an attractive option.  And many refuse to look into this mirror.

Fuck. You.  I can’t think of many people who have been cheated on who haven’t wracked their brains trying to figure out what they did that “caused this”.  You need a whole deprogramming session to get out of that kind of thinking.  Most of us have danced and danced for our cheaters, trying to get them to pick us, to show them that our marriage can be a safe and happy place once again, that we will do whatever is necessary to keep them around.  The ones that don’t take any responsibility?  Those are generally the ones that toss the cheater’s shit out on the lawn, change the locks, and file for divorce. End. Of. Story.  Take your sob story and go fuck yourself up the ass with it.  The rest of us?  Believe me, we are “accepting our part”, usually to our detriment, while the cheater continues to flit about unscathed.

Cousinfucker had a list of things that he’d like to see change.  Almost all of them were things for ME to do.  He cheats and I get the self-improvement list.  Did he have a list?  Oh hell no!  Again I say, Fuck. You.  Fuck you both!

Until both parties can “get real” about the affair, why it occurred and what was the marital backdrop to it, real understanding, compassion, healing and forgiveness simply cannot occur.

Sometimes it won’t.  Here’s an astounding reality for you- You are not entitled to forgiveness.  You are not entitled to compassion or understanding or healing.  You are not entitled to pick up the pieces of your broken, shit upon marriage and carry on like before.  For some people infidelity is simply unforgivable.  No matter how much they try they cannot get over it.  And that’s ok.  They don’t need to.  You are not OWED anything after you’ve cheated on the person who loved you.

…of all that I’ve read, the articles, the blogs, the message boards, it’s quite stunning on how almost NO Betrayed Spouses are ever in any way responsible for their spouse’s deep unhappiness such that an affair became an attractive option.

It’s not stunning at all unless you’re a narcissist.  It ISN’T the betrayed spouse’s responsibility.  Again, I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANOTHER PERSON’S ACTIONS!  I can’t make him cheat anymore than I can make him build the outdoor entertainment area or theater room he promised us.  I’m not responsible for his happiness.  Believe me, I tried!  I texted him like she did.  I sent him naked pictures.  I fixed his fucking dinner plate every night and took it to him.  I had more sex.  I sat with him and watched his stupid TV shows.  Do you think he ever asked me what I wanted to watch?  Do you think he ever made an effort to be interested in something I liked?  I cleaned his house and took care of his kids.  I did his laundry and put his fucking clothes away for him. I sat outside and watched him mow the lawn which was his fucking fantasy.  I even brought my hot, sweaty man a cool refreshing drink.  I took care of everything and reassured him constantly that I wasn’t going to leave.  I made his fucking psychiatrist appointments and accompanied him to them.  I looked around for therapy for him to help him with his anxiety, depression, and PTSD (all issues which I no longer fully believe he has), made his damn appointments and went along for the ride on those, too. No matter what lengths I went to I couldn’t make him stick with therapy; I couldn’t make him quit drinking.  I couldn’t make him stop lying to everyone and I couldn’t prevent him from fucking his whore of a cousin.

Yet if you talk to Waywards (PUKE- let’s call them what they are- cheaters!), almost to a PERSON they will say that their deep marital dissatisfaction is almost always the backdrop to why they choose to do what they did.

Of course they say that!  Cheaters deflect.  It’s not what I did; it’s your reaction to it.  I’m not a bad person; you just weren’t meeting my needs.  They manage to turn it all around.  You, betrayed spouse, you are the reason I had to cheat.  If you had remained looking like a 22 year old, or put make-up on more often, or spent less time with the kids, or made more money, or wore matching bras and panties, or didn’t play golf on the weekends, or had sex with me anytime, anywhere, any way I wanted, or bought me my pony… then I wouldn’t have cheated.  YOU caused me to cheat and YOU are the only one that can prevent me from cheating again.  So, here’s your self-improvement list.  I think it’s only fair to tell you I’m only willing to say, “I’m sorry,” three more times; we need to be over all of this “infidelity nonsense” in the next month because it really deflates my boner.  Also, I am not going to be able to tolerate any tears, anger, or yelling.  I don’t do sadness or anger when it comes to you and your feelings; however, I do reserve the right to tell you how sad I am about missing my whore or how bad it makes me feel when you won’t focus on the future and instead want to talk about my actions.  I’m very sensitive that way.  And, really, you have no one to blame except yourself.  I can’t stress that enough!  What am I working on?  Oh, I have no flaws.  And any flaws you might point out are just the way I’m wired so there’s no fixing that.  Plus, focus on the future!  Yep, they want a perpetually dancing, shit eating chump who never dares to question them or ask for anything in return.  As an added bonus if the cheater does it again he or she can simply tell that poor chump, “I told you!  You didn’t do enough- yet again!”

Cheaters also lie.  Even when we were having sex twice a day he still told people we hadn’t had sex in ten years.  Let’s play a game called, “Truth or Lie?”  I’ll give you a scenario in which Cousinfucker has said something and you guess whether it’s the truth or if it’s  a lie.

  1. Cousinfucker has gone up to an Army Ranger and told him, “I’m a Ranger, too.”
  2. He’s told people that our daughter won the entire out-of-state gymnastics meet.
  3. He told people he had no idea why I filed for a divorce.
  4. He’s told people I threw all of his clothes into garbage bags and tossed them in the trash.
  5. He has claimed that I forced him to move out and that I refused to let him have any of the furniture or anything else for that matter.
  6. He told me he was sending his mom money for groceries and buying her and his stepdad iPhones.

Do you want to take a guess as to how many of those things were lies?  If you guessed all of them then you are correct!

… -Waywards (aka Cheaters) in recovery will say almost ANYTHING to get the Betrayed off their backs.  To get the yelling and recriminations to stop.  To try and get their marriage stable enough to move on from this sorry episode.  Yes, they even SWEAR that you were the most perfect of perfect spouses.  Or blame the OM/OW for the choices.  Or alcohol.  Or God knows what.  ANYTHING to get you to move on from the topic.

That bullshit?  That’s not remorse.  That’s called cake eating.  Say whatever you need to say so that you don’t lose the comfy conveniences of having a spouse who provides everything your side piece doesn’t and so you don’t have to move out of your comfy home or have to pay child and/or spousal support.  Say whatever you need to say so that you don’t have to divide all of your assets in half or pay back what you spent on your OW/OM, so you don’t lose time with your kids (if that’s even a thought that goes through most cheaters’ heads) and so no one knows what a lying, cheating piece of crap you are.  Say whatever you need to say so that life remains the same for you- your cuckolded spouse on one side of you, your children who are none the wiser on the other side, and many flavors of strange ahead of you.   If you’ve got one of those?  Toss him or her out!  Immediately.  They are not sorry and they never will be.

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10 thoughts on “Bullshit Decoded

  1. You know, that sounds awfully similar to ‘you made me hit you, baby. If you’d only cooked my dinner / bought my beer / cleaned the house I wouldn’t have gotten so angry. And when I get angry I lash out. You need not to make me angry, baby.’

    Yeah, you get the picture. If a girl gets raped she shouldn’t wear a short skirt. If a woman gets cheated on she shoulda treated her man better.

    Thanks for cutting through this guy’s bullshit even though it stinks. Btw my first comment, but I love your blog.

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  2. It is *exactly* like that, Heidi. I don’t know if you read Chump Lady but she makes that substitution all the time and points out that it doesn’t play nearly as well when we substitute “pushing someone down the stairs” for “cheated on”.

    Thanks for reading! I’m glad you like it. Have you been reading the blog a long time or are you a new reader? God, that makes it sound like you’re a five year old just starting to read. Sorry!

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    1. I’m a new reader, but have caught up, I think! Love the humor you bring to your posts. I’m 15 months post d-day, in reconciliation but can recognize the excuses as my H said them at first. Except he couldn’t blame lack of sex, so apparently it was my fault for being too demanding. Because that’s sure to make a man have sex with another woman, right?

      Luckily he opened his eyes and sees how stupid his excuses were know, and how hurtful and unhelpful they were. I don’t think we would be here if he hadn’t.

      I do read Chump Lady. I’m not one for only choosing one side. I like to get all the information and then see if it applies to me! Wish I could have been at her launch – looks like you had a ball!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It was a great time. She’s so sweet and pretty in real life.

        I totally get what you are saying about getting all the info and then taking what applies. I’m like that, too.

        It sounds like your reconciliation is going well. I think I pretty much knew from the beginning that mine was not. He played the victim way too much and I spent more time than he did in trying to repair things. I’m glad your husband is doing all the right things- and doing is the important part! You can say whatever but it doesn’t mean jack if you don’t put the actions behind it.

        I hope you’ll stick around and I’m very happy that you like my blog.

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  3. This post hit the nail on the head. I have your blog bookmarked and check it daily, and I think I you are awesome… I also haven’t commented here before, because for 1., I am a very private person and 2., I think I do better in person than in writings. But I just wanted to let you know that I might not say much, but I am listening, Also, really wish I could pop a knot on CF’s head for you… Someone great will win you one day, there is no doubt about it!

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    1. Thanks, Slim! I really appreciate it. Glad to know you’re out there reading. Don’t worry about not commenting if it’s not your thing. I read a lot of blogs but don’t comment either; I’m getting better about it though. I’m glad you liked the post today.

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  4. Aaaah don’t get me started on this bullcrap! I think I came across the blog you are talking about before – I remember he was talking about how the wayward spouse should expect lots of anger from their betrayed spouse but should never tolerate it if they lash out physically – fair enough. But then he goes on to say that betrayed spouses shouldn’t expect their cheater to cut contact with their affair partner immediately as its not realistic so we just have to ride it out basically. Er….sorry????? Physical assault totally not ok but the mental torture of watching your spouse pine for and miss his affair partner – while you’re knee deep in pain?? totally ok!!!! (I don’t advocate physical assault obviously!) But my blood was boiling when I read that!

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    1. I hear ya! Mine didn’t do a lot of pining (as far as I know) but my blood would boil when I would read crap like that! Missing your affair partner? Hey, why don’t I leave you so you can go to her and then let’s see if you’re missing your wife, your children, your home, your life???? So much bullshit! I get into that later on with some of my Blasts From the Past.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Pre Warning…this has been a week of rage for me.
    I want to kick this guys ass! I mean come on. My husband cheated on me twice not because I was a bad wife, it was because he was a shitty, self, involved asshole. Marriage is hard. His favorite excuse is, no one told him marriage was hard. Hahahaha! What an idiot. He cheated on me because he wanted to cheat on me. Honestly he never thought of my feelings or how this would affect our children. This guy’s bullshit post is full of zero facts and 100% cop outs wrapped in “rainbow words”…douchbag! What a loser.
    One of the real reasons MY husband cheated on me is because of Cluster B Personality Disorder, he thought it was irritating to be at home with 2 kids under 2, and he thought I was a drag because my parents were dying and I was sad. A sad, busy with “our” kids and overwhelmed wife was too much for him. If he came home too much he’d have to support me and be a father and that was a drag. So he cheated and stayed away from home but not because I was a bad wife to him. He was a BAD husband.
    Rocking out RAGE week! Woohoo 😉!

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    1. Rage away! Good for you for not playing that game. It was your husband’s fault he cheated and it infuriates me that there are people out there who peddle this crap whereby the cheated on spouse needs to “own their part”. The best response to that nonsense that I’ve seen is, “My part was I stayed with you.”

      Liked by 1 person

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