Meme Monday

I found a few memes that I didn’t publish the first (or second) time around.  Truthfully, I created some of these on my phone and just now figured out how to get them from my phone to this blog.  It’s a learning experience.

I hope these make you laugh.

of-course-im-1byu6a

1346vt

13ue1z

121o02

13kxia

13kxby

tell-me-again-rutb1v

you-are-such-bd11fi

11irpm

i-dont-often-totldx

11ijf0

tell-me-again-ajm4hx

11ihf6

11ijmk

if-youre-going-21x6sk

you-cheat-on-nxewxl

the-whore-is

if-you-thought-fc45gm

11nsc3

no-one-told-rf8yba11kryl

Home Wrecker Special- A Recipe

A little inside joke between me and Wife over on Honey and the Home Wrecker.  Check out her site; she’s fantastic.

I found this, where else?  On Pinterest.  It was called Mexican Dorito Casserole. It really is delicious.  My daughter complains that it is too spicy and if you don’t like spicy foods I would either suggest using the mild Ro-tel, or using regular diced tomatoes.  My son and I love it!

Here is my newly christened Home Wrecker Special

Ingredients:
2 cups shredded, cooked chicken
1 cup shredded cheese (or more if you’d prefer- I always use more)
1 can cream of chicken soup
1/2 cup milk
1/2 cup sour cream
1 can Ro-tel tomatoes
1/2 packet taco seasonings (I always use the full package)
bag of regular nacho cheese Doritos.

Directions:
1. Preheat oven to 350
2. Combine all ingredients except Doritos together and mix thoroughly
3. In a greased 2 qt. baking dish put a layer of crushed Doritos (about 2 cups), then a layer of the chicken mixture. Repeat once more, ending with the chicken mixture.
4. Top with more shredded cheese and bake for 30-35 minutes, or until bubbling hot.

Facebook Feuds

December 2013

I’ve always wondered about those people who take spats public on FB. Lately though it’s been tempting. She’s always commenting on my in-laws page. Wished them a happy anniversary. Oh I didn’t know it was your anniversary! Makes me wish I was still friends with them so I could have wished them a happy anniversary, too, and followed it up with how many years does it take before you truly celebrate your anniversary again after infidelity, instead of focusing on the lies and betrayal? It’s so nice to see my husband’s affair partner wishing you a happy anniversary. Really helps with the healing.

 

Oops, He Did It Again!

I went to get an oil change this week.  I came out with an oil change, a brake fluid flush, two new tires and an alignment.  Mixed in with all the fun of having a bill that totaled almost $600 I also saw where Cousinfucker has once again changed the address so that it reflects the whore’s home address.  This is on top of him trying to change his address to hers with our bank and then finding out he was having his pay stubs sent to her address for the last month or so at his job.

This is the car he bought me soon after we moved out here so that I could put approximately 100k miles on it in the next four years driving my daughter to and from gymnastics over an hour away.  The title has both of our names but the dealership uses his because his is the first name on the title.  He also has the same make of car and his name alone is on that title.  I’m thinking that maybe he got his own oil change before taking off for parts unknown and he changed his address to hers then.  I find it slightly curious and more than a little bit infuriating.  The bitch doesn’t need my bank statements and she doesn’t need anything having to do with my car either!

Next up, while I’m sitting there waiting for my oil to be changed, not knowing what else is coming my way, I decide to research this new insurance that Cousinfucker has so graciously provided us with.  His old plan with his old company did not have a deductible.  We not only have a deductible on our medical coverage, we now also have one on our prescription coverage.  Rock Star has migraines and the doctor recently prescribed medication for them.  He sends in a script for a nasal spray.  I get to the pharmacy and it’s going to cost me over $2100!  What?  I talk to the prescription care rep and find out about the damn deductible and that this drug isn’t covered until we meet the deductible.  I toss a few other drug names her way and she gives me the price on the two I’ve thrown out.  Call the doctor again and explain the situation.  He tries calling it in as a generic.  Nope.  Still over $2100.  Calls in one of the drugs I asked for.  As a nasal spray again.  This time it was going to be just over $300.  Still a big nope.  Finally, I get the prescription called in, in pill form and I was able to get her her medication for less than $12.  Hallelujah!

Back to my medical research.  I notice that these new cards say HSA on them and our old cards don’t.  I’m thinking, “What the hell is an HSA plan?”  So I google it.  Fuck me hard!  That sonofabitch has signed us up for a high deductible health savings plan.  I don’t know what kind of money he’s putting in there, if any, but essentially, what you do is put pre-taxed money into this account and you use it to spend on your medical visits.  You have to have a high deductible though in order to participate.  I am pretty sure with plans like this you don’t have premiums to pay.  You’re banking that whatever money you put in before taxes will be enough to cover any illnesses you may have; as an added bonus, any money you don’t spend you get back, unlike with Flex Pay.  Basically, Cousinfucker is either opting to put money in before taxes or taking his chances he won’t ever get sick, and leaving me with a high deductible before the insurance kicks in, although preventative care is covered at 100%.  He gets a credit for carrying insurance on us and paying for that insurance.  Now, however, my guess is he is not paying for insurance since he has this HSA.  In the meantime, Cousinfucker alone has access to the account so if he’s putting money into it he can pay for his own medical bills.  We, on the other hand, aren’t putting money into the account so I am stuck paying out of pocket for anything that might happen to me or either of the kids.  I did take Rock Star back to the doctor’s and they told me I didn’t have anything to pay but now I’m wondering if that’s because they’ll simply bill me.  I’m going to be pissed if I end up having to pay $85 a pop, or whatever it is when you visit the doctor, while he pockets money into his account AND gets a discount on child support because he’s “paying” for insurance.

Finally, when Rock Star sends him pictures of cars she likes he informs her that he has sent me a check for thousands and he’ll be sending me another check soon.  I love the fact that she puts all of this back on him.  “He tries to act like he’s doing this out of the generosity of his own heart but he’s court ordered to do it!  That’s the bonus check and your support check.”  Yes, Rock Star, I know.  I guess he believes that all the money I receive is to be spent on bills and children and all the money he receives is to be spent on the whore and her kids.  It’s supposed to be fun money and I’m supposed to take care of everything else.  God forbid your kids might ask you for extra money for a yearbook or a prom dress or a band uniform.  You pay support!  You shouldn’t have to pay one damn dime extra.  All that leftover money?  That’s yours to spend on your fake family.  I so badly wanted to point out to her that if he gave me XXX amount of dollars then he, too, has that amount.  What’s he planning on doing with his?

11kr6s

Bullshit Decoded Revisited

I wanted to re-examine one part of what the “reformed cheater” said and which I took to task.  I think I was a little too flippant and simplistic in my approach.

Betrayed Spouses almost always cannot separate “the reason why the affair happened” from “an excuse for having an affair”.  They are very different.  There is almost always a reason for an affair.

I said the other day they were basically the same thing and that it boils down to entitlement and poor character.  I still believe that’s true but I wanted to extrapolate on that a bit more.

It’s not that I don’t think it’s important to discover underlying issues.  If you felt like a handyman or a maid or weren’t having sex often enough/too much or felt like your marriage was dead or your spouse neglected you in favor of the kids or you have FOO issues or you had a drinking/drug problem or you were at a low point in your life or you didn’t want to be rude or, or, or…. I applaud you for figuring those things out.  But here are a few important questions that need to be asked.  1.  What was it in you that made you think cheating was an okay response to those issues?  2.  How will you handle it differently if you feel that way again?  3.  Do you have any new coping strategies or thought processes to help you cope when life and/or marriage gets tough again?  I don’t think it’s so much that those of us who have been cheated on cannot tell the difference between “why the affair happened” and “excuses for the affair.”  It’s that, ultimately, it doesn’t matter.  XXX made you unhappy and out of all the choices you had you chose cheating as your response to it.  You chose to lie and cheat and betray the person who loves you.  You chose deception over honesty.  You chose the easy way of cheap sex and cake eating over the hard way of honest communication and working on your relationship.  When you want to concentrate on “why” you did it you are essentially putting it off on the person you betrayed.  You, cheated on spouse, are in charge of my behavior; do better so that I don’t do bad things.  I don’t control my behavior; you do!

Remember Bob, Tom and Sam?  All three of them could easily have chosen to have affairs when things weren’t “rosy” in their marriages.  They didn’t.  Bob opted to talk to his wife and go to counseling to work on the issues.  Tom realized his wife wasn’t interested in fixing things so he took steps to end the marriage.  Sam chose to try to find happiness in other parts of her life and to concentrate on the good and minimize the bad.

Remember also how I said that the only person you control is yourself?  Unfortunately for cheaters, that means they, and they alone, are responsible for their choices, their actions, their behavior.  Oh, most of them will try like the devil to get you to take responsibility and a lot of the cheated on partners will because hey, if they caused it then they can fix it!  But that’s a myth.  Again, I tried like hell to get Cousinfucker to eat a turnip.  He wouldn’t do it.  He wouldn’t even try it.  But now I’m supposed to take responsibility for his choice to fuck his cousin?  Somehow I’m thinking that the offer of a blow job wouldn’t have persuaded him to eat the damn turnip; I’m equally sure it wouldn’t have prevented him from fucking his cousin.

I was 21 years old when I decided that your past may explain your behavior but it doesn’t excuse it.  Too often when cheaters want to explore why they cheated what they really want to do is excuse it.

You didn’t buy me a pony; therefore I felt neglected and unappreciated.  I was emotionally needy and didn’t feel you were a soft landing space.  I had to reach out to Schmoopie because Schmoopie promised me love and understanding.

Don’t fall for that crap.  Put it squarely back in their court.

Yes, I understand that’s why you did it.  Now, instead of you giving me a list of things to improve on so that you’re no longer tempted, let’s explore why you felt entitled to have sex with someone else.  Let’s examine why it is that your moral compass is so off base that you felt adultery was an acceptable reaction to your hurt feelings.

To misquote the late great David Bowie, “Don’t Dance!”

1st Anniversary During Fake Reconciliation

It’s Thursday so you know what that means!  It’s time for another Blast From the Past.  Yes, I know.  I run them even when it’s not Thursday but until I run out of them I’m planning on running one every Thursday at a minimum.

December 2013

Today is our anniversary. Back in June I wasn’t sure we’d make it to this date. Or if we did I wondered if we’d just be limping along, going through the motions. I knew she existed. I even somewhat suspected he hadn’t ended things like he said he did back in May. I had no idea the full extent of their involvement or how serious it was and wouldn’t learn about that for another few months. I wouldn’t learn about how serious it had always been until a few months after that. So today is an interesting anniversary. We’re doing much better. We seem to be happier than we have been in years. And yet it’s our first anniversary we’ve celebrated since he brought the whore into our lives. I don’t know how I feel about that. Six months ago my husband was telling me he didn’t know if he loved me anymore, said it would be too weird to be happy and that we had lived as roommates for too long. Four months ago I found out he had been lying to me and carrying on an affair all summer long. Less than two months ago I found out he had told his nephew he was going to marry the whore, and that they had been saying I love you and planning a future together pretty much from the moment he told her she looked fantastic and she started whining about her lousy marriage. And today I’m supposed to celebrate 19 years of marriage and completely forget about her. Maybe even pretend like it never happened. I’m just not sure that’s going to happen. But Happy Anniversary anyway, baby! Here’s to 19 years together. Hopefully the next 19 will be better. Please excuse me while I go off and cry now.

Editor’s Note:  On the plus side I only had to endure this torture one more year.

 

Bullshit Decoded

When will I learn?  I was reviewing my Blasts From the Past, making editing notes when I came across one that mentioned another blog by name. Incidentally, it was a blog by a man who had cheated on his wife.  I decided to see if this blogger was still active (he’s not) and came across some of the comments in his last few entries.  And there it was- a comment from the “reformed wayward” spouse who thinks he is now an expert on all things infidelity because he has a bunch of cheaters who gather round him and tell him what a god he is.  I know I shouldn’t let it get to me; this comment was over a year old.  Yet, he still has an amazing ability to raise my blood pressure to new heights.  This was part of the comment:

Betrayed Spouses almost always cannot separate “the reason why the affair happened” from “an excuse for having an affair”.  They are very different.  There is almost always a reason for an affair.  Few people have them without long consideration.  Happy and content people rarely have them.  The “reason” almost always points to a very unsatisfying marital existence, if not outright neglect or abuse…They don’t “come out of nowhere”, despite what many Betrayeds swear.  But they fear that if they buy the cheater’s explanation that somehow it’s an excuse for the affair.  A “free pass”.  It’s not.  Also, if the reason the person had the affair is because they were long-term unhappy in their marriage, then the Betrayed must look in the mirror and acknowledge the role they played in creating an environment where an affair became an attractive option.  And many refuse to look into this mirror.

Until both parties can “get real” about the affair, why it occurred and what was the marital backdrop to it, real understanding, compassion, healing and forgiveness simply cannot occur.

When another poster (full disclosure- that poster has commented here, too, so if that person is reading and says, “Hey!  That sounds familiar!” it’s because it’s you) commented and refuted this “Unhappiness Made Me Do It” theory he goes on to say:

…of all that I’ve read, the articles, the blogs, the message boards, it’s quite stunning on how almost NO Betrayed Spouses are ever in any way responsible for their spouse’s deep unhappiness such that an affair became an attractive option.  Yet if you talk to Waywards (PUKE- let’s call them what they are- cheaters!), almost to a PERSON they will say that their deep marital dissatisfaction is almost always the backdrop to why they choose to do what they did.

… -Waywards (aka Cheaters) in recovery will say almost ANYTHING to get the Betrayed off their backs.  To get the yelling and recriminations to stop.  To try and get their marriage stable enough to move on from this sorry episode.  Yes, they even SWEAR that you were the most perfect of perfect spouses.  Or blame the OM/OW for the choices.  Or alcohol.  Or God knows what.  ANYTHING to get you to move on from the topic.

Oh. My. God!  Are you fucking kidding me?  This is like the friend who has been cruel and horrible telling you, “I’m sorry, but…”  See that “but”?  It negates everything else said before it.  “I’m sorry I cheated on you… but you didn’t get back into shape after our third child.”  “I’m sorry I cheated on you… but you didn’t make enough time for me.”  “I’m sorry I cheated on you; it was all my fault…. except for the fact that you wouldn’t have sex with me as often as I liked and you never cooked my favorite meal even though no one else in the family likes it and you wouldn’t text me all day long and I wanted a pony and you refused to buy me one!”

Let’s take this one small piece at a time.

Betrayed Spouses almost always cannot separate “the reason why the affair happened” from “an excuse for having an affair”.

That’s because they are basically the same thing.  You can tell me about all of your problems and why you felt compelled to cheat but the end result is you cheated because you have poor character.  You cheated because you felt entitled to cheat.  When you tell me it is all your fault and you take complete responsibility for your choices but then turn around and tell me you would have never done it if only I had done or not done some grand list of things…. you are not sorry, you don’t feel it’s really your fault, and you are not taking complete responsibility.

They are very different.  There is almost always a reason for an affair.

Yes, that reason is poor character and entitlement issues.  Again, I remind you that if you are indeed taking responsibility for your piss poor choices then you shouldn’t feel a need to put any of that off on me and my shortcomings.

Few people have them without long consideration.  Happy and content people rarely have them.

I don’t know about the long thought process before betraying your spouse.  I do know that 58% of cheaters polled said they would characterize their marriages as happy or very happy.  Granted, math has never been my strongest subject but I’m almost positive 58% constitutes a majority.  I would prefer to see 85-95%, of course, but 58% is a far cry from the “few” or “rarely” figures this person likes to throw out.

The “reason” almost always points to a very unsatisfying marital existence, if not outright neglect or abuse…They don’t “come out of nowhere”, despite what many Betrayeds swear.

Of course it does!  That’s page 48 of the Cheater’s Handbook.  Tell your spouse you were deeply unhappy.  Make your spouse take responsibility for your inability to control your actions, your entitlement issues and your poor character.  This will make your “betrayed” dance for you.  At this point be sure to give him or her a list of all the things he/she did or didn’t do that forced you to cheat.  That way you can focus on what THEY need to do, thereby taking the heat off of YOU!

Look, I’m sure Cousinfucker told people he was unhappy.  Maybe he was.  Cheating wasn’t his only recourse.

Meet Bob.  Bob is unhappy in his marriage.  Bob tells his wife he’s unhappy.  She is shocked but agrees to go to marriage counseling with him to see if they can fix things.  They go; they do fix things.  They are happy once again.

Meet Tom.  Tom is also unhappy in his marriage.  He tells his wife he is unhappy.  She tells him to go fuck himself because she doesn’t give a shit and she isn’t going to change.  Tom goes to a lawyer and files for divorce because he realizes there is no saving this marriage.

Meet Sam.  Sam was pretty fucking unhappy in her marriage.  Her husband didn’t help out with the kids, didn’t want to socialize with her or friends, didn’t want to act like any kind of a partner to her.  Did Sam spread her legs for another man?  Did Sam go out and search for someone who would tell her how pretty she was?  No.  Sam decided that happiness was a choice and if this was her life, with a husband who didn’t want to be much of a partner to her, then she would work on establishing a life that would make her happy.  She cultivated friendships, she volunteered, she took care of her house and children.  Later, her husband cheated on her with his cousin.  Sam looked at “her part”.  Sam made changes.  Sam danced so pretty it would make you cry.  She even moved across the country in order to make him happy.  Six months after the move and he was unhappy once again.  He was crying constantly, drinking, blaming everything on PTSD and refusing to get any kind of help.  Again, did Sam cheat?  No!  Sam stood by her man.  She vowed she would see him through this.  He would get better; he would recover and their marriage would once again be happy.  He cheated again.  Same whore of a cousin.  Sam still didn’t spread her legs for someone else or look for outside attention.  Instead, she filed for divorce.

The main point of those examples is that NONE OF THEM decided that unhappiness was a reason to cheat.  Especially Sam.  I think that woman should get a medal.  😉

But they fear that if they buy the cheater’s explanation that somehow it’s an excuse for the affair.  A “free pass”.  It’s not.

Look, I get that people want to believe they cheated because of something their partner did or didn’t do (and in fairness, this blogger does say that some people have personality disorders but he believes that only accounts for a very small percentage of cheaters).  The reality is that most people are unhappy at one point or another in their marriage.  Not everyone cheats though. Bob didn’t.  Tom didn’t.  Sam didn’t.  Hell, I’ve heard of men who have cheating wives and they know they’ll lose a lot of time with their kids if they divorce so they stay.  Still, they don’t cheat.  I’m sorry, if Andrew isn’t cheating when his wife is cheating on him while he’s supporting her and taking care of the kids because she’s out partying, then you have no excuse.  Instead of focusing so intently on getting “Betrayeds” to “own their part” maybe you should be thinking about what it is inside of you that makes you think cheating is an acceptable choice when you’re unhappy.  I know it’s a tall order but try examining your entitlement issues.  That may give you some insight into your own behavior because here’s the bitch- you don’t control what anyone else does.  You control you.

We don’t accept that excuse from our children so why would we accept it from full grown adults?  I no more made Cousinfucker cheat than I made him take a shower in the morning or I made him eat turnips.  For the record, he doesn’t like turnips even though he’s never eaten one, and I couldn’t get him to try one.  So, apparently I have no powers to make him eat foods he doesn’t want to and yet somehow I can compel him to stick his dick in women he doesn’t want to.  My superpower sucks!

I don’t mean to go all dark here but according to you, blogger with his head up his ass, if I decide to run my husband over with my car now that he’s cheated on me and abandoned me and my kids, I’m kinda entitled to do that and instead of pressing charges, if he lives, he should be thinking about his own actions that led me to run his ass down.  Right?  Yeah, I didn’t think so.

Also, if the reason the person had the affair is because they were long-term unhappy in their marriage, then the Betrayed must look in the mirror and acknowledge the role they played in creating an environment where an affair became an attractive option.  And many refuse to look into this mirror.

Fuck. You.  I can’t think of many people who have been cheated on who haven’t wracked their brains trying to figure out what they did that “caused this”.  You need a whole deprogramming session to get out of that kind of thinking.  Most of us have danced and danced for our cheaters, trying to get them to pick us, to show them that our marriage can be a safe and happy place once again, that we will do whatever is necessary to keep them around.  The ones that don’t take any responsibility?  Those are generally the ones that toss the cheater’s shit out on the lawn, change the locks, and file for divorce. End. Of. Story.  Take your sob story and go fuck yourself up the ass with it.  The rest of us?  Believe me, we are “accepting our part”, usually to our detriment, while the cheater continues to flit about unscathed.

Cousinfucker had a list of things that he’d like to see change.  Almost all of them were things for ME to do.  He cheats and I get the self-improvement list.  Did he have a list?  Oh hell no!  Again I say, Fuck. You.  Fuck you both!

Until both parties can “get real” about the affair, why it occurred and what was the marital backdrop to it, real understanding, compassion, healing and forgiveness simply cannot occur.

Sometimes it won’t.  Here’s an astounding reality for you- You are not entitled to forgiveness.  You are not entitled to compassion or understanding or healing.  You are not entitled to pick up the pieces of your broken, shit upon marriage and carry on like before.  For some people infidelity is simply unforgivable.  No matter how much they try they cannot get over it.  And that’s ok.  They don’t need to.  You are not OWED anything after you’ve cheated on the person who loved you.

…of all that I’ve read, the articles, the blogs, the message boards, it’s quite stunning on how almost NO Betrayed Spouses are ever in any way responsible for their spouse’s deep unhappiness such that an affair became an attractive option.

It’s not stunning at all unless you’re a narcissist.  It ISN’T the betrayed spouse’s responsibility.  Again, I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANOTHER PERSON’S ACTIONS!  I can’t make him cheat anymore than I can make him build the outdoor entertainment area or theater room he promised us.  I’m not responsible for his happiness.  Believe me, I tried!  I texted him like she did.  I sent him naked pictures.  I fixed his fucking dinner plate every night and took it to him.  I had more sex.  I sat with him and watched his stupid TV shows.  Do you think he ever asked me what I wanted to watch?  Do you think he ever made an effort to be interested in something I liked?  I cleaned his house and took care of his kids.  I did his laundry and put his fucking clothes away for him. I sat outside and watched him mow the lawn which was his fucking fantasy.  I even brought my hot, sweaty man a cool refreshing drink.  I took care of everything and reassured him constantly that I wasn’t going to leave.  I made his fucking psychiatrist appointments and accompanied him to them.  I looked around for therapy for him to help him with his anxiety, depression, and PTSD (all issues which I no longer fully believe he has), made his damn appointments and went along for the ride on those, too. No matter what lengths I went to I couldn’t make him stick with therapy; I couldn’t make him quit drinking.  I couldn’t make him stop lying to everyone and I couldn’t prevent him from fucking his whore of a cousin.

Yet if you talk to Waywards (PUKE- let’s call them what they are- cheaters!), almost to a PERSON they will say that their deep marital dissatisfaction is almost always the backdrop to why they choose to do what they did.

Of course they say that!  Cheaters deflect.  It’s not what I did; it’s your reaction to it.  I’m not a bad person; you just weren’t meeting my needs.  They manage to turn it all around.  You, betrayed spouse, you are the reason I had to cheat.  If you had remained looking like a 22 year old, or put make-up on more often, or spent less time with the kids, or made more money, or wore matching bras and panties, or didn’t play golf on the weekends, or had sex with me anytime, anywhere, any way I wanted, or bought me my pony… then I wouldn’t have cheated.  YOU caused me to cheat and YOU are the only one that can prevent me from cheating again.  So, here’s your self-improvement list.  I think it’s only fair to tell you I’m only willing to say, “I’m sorry,” three more times; we need to be over all of this “infidelity nonsense” in the next month because it really deflates my boner.  Also, I am not going to be able to tolerate any tears, anger, or yelling.  I don’t do sadness or anger when it comes to you and your feelings; however, I do reserve the right to tell you how sad I am about missing my whore or how bad it makes me feel when you won’t focus on the future and instead want to talk about my actions.  I’m very sensitive that way.  And, really, you have no one to blame except yourself.  I can’t stress that enough!  What am I working on?  Oh, I have no flaws.  And any flaws you might point out are just the way I’m wired so there’s no fixing that.  Plus, focus on the future!  Yep, they want a perpetually dancing, shit eating chump who never dares to question them or ask for anything in return.  As an added bonus if the cheater does it again he or she can simply tell that poor chump, “I told you!  You didn’t do enough- yet again!”

Cheaters also lie.  Even when we were having sex twice a day he still told people we hadn’t had sex in ten years.  Let’s play a game called, “Truth or Lie?”  I’ll give you a scenario in which Cousinfucker has said something and you guess whether it’s the truth or if it’s  a lie.

  1. Cousinfucker has gone up to an Army Ranger and told him, “I’m a Ranger, too.”
  2. He’s told people that our daughter won the entire out-of-state gymnastics meet.
  3. He told people he had no idea why I filed for a divorce.
  4. He’s told people I threw all of his clothes into garbage bags and tossed them in the trash.
  5. He has claimed that I forced him to move out and that I refused to let him have any of the furniture or anything else for that matter.
  6. He told me he was sending his mom money for groceries and buying her and his stepdad iPhones.

Do you want to take a guess as to how many of those things were lies?  If you guessed all of them then you are correct!

… -Waywards (aka Cheaters) in recovery will say almost ANYTHING to get the Betrayed off their backs.  To get the yelling and recriminations to stop.  To try and get their marriage stable enough to move on from this sorry episode.  Yes, they even SWEAR that you were the most perfect of perfect spouses.  Or blame the OM/OW for the choices.  Or alcohol.  Or God knows what.  ANYTHING to get you to move on from the topic.

That bullshit?  That’s not remorse.  That’s called cake eating.  Say whatever you need to say so that you don’t lose the comfy conveniences of having a spouse who provides everything your side piece doesn’t and so you don’t have to move out of your comfy home or have to pay child and/or spousal support.  Say whatever you need to say so that you don’t have to divide all of your assets in half or pay back what you spent on your OW/OM, so you don’t lose time with your kids (if that’s even a thought that goes through most cheaters’ heads) and so no one knows what a lying, cheating piece of crap you are.  Say whatever you need to say so that life remains the same for you- your cuckolded spouse on one side of you, your children who are none the wiser on the other side, and many flavors of strange ahead of you.   If you’ve got one of those?  Toss him or her out!  Immediately.  They are not sorry and they never will be.

Real Life Holidays During Reconciliation

December 2013

We made it through Thanksgiving. Spent quite a bit of it dealing with an anxiety ridden husband. I kept thinking, “Oh, Harley, what I would give to see you dealing with him now. Now when it’s not all about how much you love one another and how much you want to blow him and planning your wedding and… and.. and…” No, this holiday weekend would have been real life. Dealing with stuff that’s not so much fun. Trying to juggle out of town relatives, giving your kids a memorable holiday, and checking on him. That’s life with him, Harley. It’s not all texting sweet nothings and checking up on old relatives and gossiping. It’s not letting him know every time you go to the bathroom, sexting, and imaging life together. THIS is what your life with him would look like. Dealing with the demons. Juggling multiple relationships/tasks. It’s not living in your little affair bubble where you two are the only people that exist. You’d never cut it as his wife.

Added:  November 2015  I still believe this is true.  She has no idea what is in store for her.  His sister (not Jezebel) even mentioned that.  Right now it’s all fun and games.  His kids hate his guts but he can deal with that because her four kids are blowing smoke up his ass.  He’s got plenty of money and he’s living large.  But after court, after he’s court ordered to pay much more than he’s currently paying, when he has to pay arrears and discovers he has to reimburse me for all the money he’s spent on her… then reality will set in.  Once he’s out of the house and has to pay rent and utilities on top of everything else and suddenly there isn’t a ton of money for lavish weekends….  We’ll see how much fun life with Zack is then.  He can lay on her bed in a catatonic state, crying about watching all his money go to me and his kids.  I no longer give a shit.

Editor’s Note:  Another reason I’m doing these Blasts From the Past is because this is what supposedly sent CF on his downward spiral.  Wow- that was really heart wrenching stuff, huh?  I’m sure any normal person would have read the above entry and immediately said to themselves, “She hates me; I must go fuck a whore!”

 

I Met Chump Lady!!!

I had an amazing day on Saturday.  I spent it traveling to and hanging out in Washington D.C. at The National Press Club.  A longtime friend was kind enough to accompany me to Chumpalooza, otherwise known as Chump Lady’s book launch party for Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life.  It. Was. Awesome!  I got to meet Chump Lady herself, aka the fabulous Tracy Schorn, and some other fellow chumps that frequently post over on her site.  She provided all the refreshments and let me tell you, it was a feast!  They had shrimp skewers and beef skewers and chicken skewers (anyone sensing a theme?).  There were pot stickers and dips and various chip type items.  All very tasty.  Plus there was beer and wine.  I started off with a simple diet Coke but decided to try a little bit of red wine.  It turned out to be delicious so I had an even bigger glass.  There was a unicorn piñata that a few people hit with a stick.  It was broken before I had a chance to whack it but that’s ok.  I still got candy from it.  I got my book signed and had my picture taken with her later that evening.  My friend and I stayed for dinner at The Fourth Estate along with about twenty other people.  Amazing food and such a great bunch of people.  Seriously- I met some wonderful people.  At dinner Tracy asked us if we would go around the table and say where we were from and maybe tell her a little about our stories.  Some of those people really traveled!  There were people from Texas, New York, Maryland, West Virginia, Pennsylvania, California, Arizona and Canada.  And of course plenty from the D.C. area.  Those are the ones I know about!  The stories may have been sad, sometimes shocking and/or heartbreaking, but there was plenty of laughter at the table.

I know Chump Lady sometimes gets a bad rap because she’s pretty hardline about what she believes.  I want to go on record as saying she is absolutely lovely in person.  Despite the potty mouth (which I love) and her no nonsense attitude she was humbled and amazed at all the people who showed up for her book launch.  She was truly touched.  She gave a speech, telling us how Chump Lady came into being, and she choked up several times as she gave that speech.  You can read the speech in its entirety here.  Her book launch took place ten years, almost to the day, that she married a cheater.  Six months later she was a weeping mess. It was fitting that the book launch took place in D.C.

I think sometimes it’s easy to forget that she, too, was chumped, and she’s not just speaking as some know-it-all busybody.  She’s been there herself and as she explained she began her website as a brain dump to tell everyone who would come after her what she had learned so they didn’t have to make the same mistakes.

I don’t want to gush over her too much (even though she’s awesome, amazing, fantastic, fabulous…..) but I will reveal what I wrote on the picture we gave to her:  Thank you!  You say what I think.  She really does.  I told someone at dinner that I knew all this shit back when I was younger.  I knew cheating was wrong.  I knew I had no desire to be friends with someone who cheated on me.  I knew there was no excuse for it.  As we make our way through life we are bombarded with messages telling us that we must look at ourselves and see where we share the blame, how affairs are symptoms of a sick marriage and not the actual disease, how we should all aspire to be friends with our exes and potentially their paramours as well, and how the OW/OM is not to blame.  When you are alone in your thinking that all of that is bullshit advice you begin to doubt yourself.  I thank God Tracy and her blog, Chump Lady, exist.  She reaffirms that it’s NOT your problem.  You DIDN’T cause this.  There ISN’T an excuse for cheating.  Cheating is not a symptom; it’s a sign that you have poor character and feel entitled to eat cake.  And while the OW/OM is not your main problem (if not her/him then it would be someone else) she also tells you that anybody willing to get involved with someone who is married is not a nice person.  Along with her voice are the voices of hundreds of other chumps, all telling you that you’re not crazy and this isn’t your fault.  They all share their stories as well and you discover you are not alone.  That feels wonderful!

To sum up Saturday was fantastic!  There is something surreal to me about being in the nation’s capital.  As we were leaving I noticed pictures of Supreme Court justices that had frequented the restaurant we were at.  I looked on in amazement.  Wow!  Just wow!  Thank you so much yet again to my good friend who came along with me for moral support.  I probably wouldn’t have gone by myself and I’m very glad I went.  I even had a good time riding the Metro and going underneath the freaking Potomac River!  She impressed many of the chumps by her willingness to accompany me.  Chump Lady is amazing; if any of you ever get a chance to meet her take it!  She’s so pretty and very funny and personable.  And if you’re reading this blog because you just found out you married a lying cheater order her book and hop on over to her blog (and please keep reading here, too!).

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A Bitch By Any Other Name

What is a bitch?  A female dog, sure, but that’s not how we usually use it.  Unless you’re in the dog world most people lob it around to insult a woman.  Put “little” in front of it and you’re insulting a manl

I don’t want to belabor the point but as any frequent readers know the STBX called me a bitch about two weeks ago.  At first I was all like, “Hell ya I am!  Don’t you forget it!”  But then I thought further and decided I hadn’t really been a bitch.  When I think of a bitch I think of someone who is catty and  mean, maybe even cold-hearted.  I wasn’t any of those things in my exchange with him.  Was I sarcastic?  Sure.  Not taking him seriously?  Absolutely.  But even after his ridiculous demands for me to thank him and be grateful I wasn’t a bitch.  No, instead I stood up for myself.  I let him know that what he did to us wasn’t right and I sure as hell wasn’t going to thank him.  He’s not a hero.

This got me to thinking even further.  I was watching a late night show.  The host was talking to his guests and the topic was pregnancy.  He talked about when his wife was pregnant and he came home after work.  She asked him how his day was and he began complaining about how tired he was.  Apparently, she narrowed her eyes and replied, “Oh really?  You’re tired?  What did you do all day?”  He did not catch on and began lamenting his tiring day.  She hit back with, “I grew some ankles and elbows today!  I grew a person in my body!”

When I first heard the story I was thinking how awful it was that she would get mad at him for being tired and use her pregnancy as an excuse to be tired.  I was never one of those who acted helpless because I was pregnant, or like I was doing this wonderful thing and I should be catered to.  But then I thought about it some more.  She wasn’t being a bitch.  She was speaking up.  “You’re tired?  Well guess what?  I’m tired, too!  I’m growing a human inside of me!”  I would never have done that!  And that’s something I need to work on if I ever have another relationship.

My history with CF is overflowing with examples of me not speaking up, me being the caring, understanding spouse and putting up with his shit so as to not make waves.  I don’t think he would necessarily have called me a bitch for any of these examples, but I imagine he wouldn’t have appreciated me losing my shit and telling him to pitch in and help because I couldn’t do it all.

I can’t remember if I wrote about CF losing his job right before I was due to give birth.  If I didn’t the short version is this:  He lost his job and then I had to put on a stiff upper lip and calm him and reassure him that everything would be okay.

Two weeks after I had Rock Star I had to start working 20 hours for my full time job.  They only paid me for 2 weeks and then the agreement was that I would work another two weeks at part time hours and then start in full time.  The entire time CF is completing our upstairs I’m trying to take care of this screaming infant, work twenty hours (and not in the evening when CF wants to spend quality “family time” with all of us), take care of the house, cook him dinner, and oh, yes, recover from a c-section.  I should have told him to get his ass downstairs and help me with his child.  I had to go back to work and he could work on the damn upstairs whenever!  Of course, he would have reminded me that he didn’t want me working full time and I didn’t need a job.

When I was pregnant with Picasso I remember being so sick one day.  I couldn’t keep anything down.  Rock Star was almost 18 months old.  I’m trying to sleep; she’s into everything.  I would go into the bathroom and puke so hard I would pee my pants.  While I was puking she would shut the toilet lid on my head.  Where was CF?  He was at work!  He couldn’t be bothered to stay home and take care of his sick, pregnant wife, or to wrangle his active toddler so his sick, pregnant wife could sleep and vomit in peace.  No!  He had a job and he was very important and could not be disturbed.  Women all over the world have babies out in fields and they just keep on working so suck it up and appreciate the fact you’ve got a bed to sleep in during the day.  There is a very big part of me that believes that, or at least thinks I should have been able to handle all of that on my own without needing help from him.

Years ago when I was a college student I worked at a company that was 99.9% men.  There was a female secretary and me.  I would listen as the men shared stories amongst themselves about their wives and married life.  I remember thinking I didn’t want to be a nagging wife.  I wasn’t going to make those mistakes.  I didn’t want to bitch and moan about everything and have my husband talking about me at work.  I don’t know why I thought that would be a good strategy.  Yet again I need to rewire my thinking.  Why would I want to be a wife who never speaks up?  And why would I think speaking up or making some kind of demands on my husband, my life partner, was being a bitch?  What kind of a plan was that?  Oh, I’m sure CF loved it!  But it did not serve me well.

I see people speaking up- I won’t do this; it’s not my job.  I can only work these days or these hours.  He’s not sorry; he wants cake!  I’m constantly amazed that they are able to speak up and get what they want.  I very much try to get along and not make waves.  I’m going to need to stop doing that.

It’s taken almost fifty years but I’m finally figuring out that the squeaky wheel gets the oil.  And that squeaky wheel isn’t necessarily a bitch; it just wants oil.