Another Day At the Races

Rock Star told me the other day that her dad texted her.  Apparently he’s in the hospital.  I don’t wish to mock the ill but it’s amazing the lengths to which he’ll go in order to get his ego stroked.  He told her he is suffering from the same illness that killed his dad.  I think that’s the first time in years he’s referred to him as his dad.  Usually he refers to him by name.  I think that’s part of his angst shtick.  “Oh, this man I called Dad all my life isn’t really my father based upon my mom’s say so; so now I shall call him by his name instead of referring to him as Dad.  Feel sorry for me.  I am a man without a father.”

He ups the ante by telling her how scared he is, especially since this killed his dad.  Yeah, you keep forgetting, CF, that your dad was in his 80s; you are not even 50 yet!  Then he delivers the knockout blow:  I want to see you before I die.  Oh. My. God!

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It gets better!  At the same time he’s voicing his dying wish my child is sick herself.  Not dying sick, of course, but then again, she’s not the whiny ass little bitch he is.  She had been up all night, shaking, her head throbbing, throwing up.  She was burning up and her skin was clammy.  I didn’t ask if she ever told him she wasn’t feeling well herself but I doubt it.  He was far too invested in telling her his own sad story to inquire about his daughter and what she might be going through.

I would stop with that amazing meme and the incredible selfishness that is CF but the truth is I’m slightly curious as to who is fawning over the poor invalid.  Blockhead?  He’s got a job and a family.  He can’t be at the hospital 24/7.  His mom?  I suppose that could be a possibility if he’s being hospitalized close to her.  Otherwise, I’m going to have to go with a big fat NO.  She doesn’t travel unless it involves a plate of BBQ.  His sister?  Excuse me while I pick myself up off the floor from laughing.  No, no; she’s far too self-involved to spend much time at the hospital for her “little brother”.  Especially if it involves traveling a few hours.  Harley?  Again, if he’s hospitalized close to her I imagine she can probably tear herself away from having sex with other men and sending “inappropriate” pictures out to her male neighbors.  Otherwise, she’s got a job, four kids, and lives several hours away.  Such a pity, isn’t it?  I would say this may be his first taste of life without me as his doting wife but I know he’ll simply rewrite history to fit his current story.  Instead of recognizing that I would be visiting him every day and telling him everything was going to be ok, probably wiping away his tears, while I was holding down the fort and taking care of kids, pets, and house, he is undoubtedly telling himself that I would be out doing a joyful dance that he was on death’s door and would never have popped my head in for even a second.  I hope he’s enjoying the solace.

Blast From the Past

I thought I’d try something new today.  Facebook has a Throwback Thursday in which I never participate so I thought instead of posting old pictures of myself or my kids on Facebook I’d take an old entry from my alternate FB page and post it here.  As most of you know ol’ Cousinfucker got his panties in a bunch when the “blog” I had on the alternate FB page came to his attention.  Imagine the gall of his cheated on wife actually having lingering feelings about that betrayal!  The hell, you say!

I don’t like being restricted to only posting these on Thursday so I’m going to go with “A Blast From the Past”.  I think it’s perfect- a tradition from FB whereby you revisit your past, combined with the FB “blog posts” that ultimately led to CF seeking out Harley again because he felt that was such a huge betrayal.  You think that’s a betrayal, Cousinfucker?  Try finding out your husband is having sex with his cousin after moving you and your kids across the country.  Discover that he’s been sending the whore money and buying her and her daughter cell phones and then paying their bill all summer.  That’s a betrayal!  Writing about your hurt feelings when your husband cheats on you with a whore?  That’s called a consequence.  Look it up!

December 2013

I’ve been wracking my brain trying to figure out exactly why that phrase: Our marriage is better than ever… bugs me. I think it’s like this. He cheats on me and what does he get in return? Why, his marriage is better than ever! He has a wife who is more engaged than ever, who is having sex with him a lot more, texting him all day, sharing every mundane facet of her life with him as he requested. And why? Because the whore kept him apprised of her every move. If she farted, she told him. If she went from one spot to the next that was earth shattering news and she simply had to share that info! So now he’s replaced the whore with me. I’m the one that has to text and share even when there’s nothing much to say. Hell, a week ago I was telling him about misplaced by-laws. Who the fuck cares and how does that impact a marriage? I’m the one he sexts with now, and dammit, I better be available all the time, just like Harley was. It’s not that he ever says that; it’s just the way I feel. I always need to be on all the time. If I’m not maybe he’ll seek out Harley again. So to sum up he now has his wife acting like his whore, taking over where she left off. Which then begs the question, does he love me or does he really love her? I mean, I highly doubt he ever asked her to be more like me. And yet our entire “better marriage” is based on me acting like the whore. Text me all day long like she did. Sext with me while I’m at work like she did. Send me naked pictures like she did. Tell me every single thing you’re doing and let me know every single place you’re going, just like she did. In other words, if he can’t have her maybe he can get me to act like her.

And what do I get? Hmmm… Well, after a summer of silence he’s finally telling me he loves me again. He’s more willing to hold hands and even kiss me in public. He tells me he’s madly in love with me, that I own him. He tells me he will buy me anything I want but I doubt that. When something is pointed out he’ll say it’s too expensive. He talks about trips he wants to take with me. We did manage a weekend away once, and we’ve gone out to dinner as a couple on more than a few occasions. He’s more physical with me, and he tells me more often I’m pretty. He says I’m his best friend, the one who makes all things possible in his life. I’m just not sure if any of that comes close to everything he’s gained. I’m not sure being asked to replace his whore is such an honor. Especially in light of the fact that he’s been battling anxiety since about a week before Thanksgiving. Yeah, she gets all of the I love you’s, all the romance and fantasy, all the misty-eyed planning of their life together and their perfect little future, and I’m here in reality, telling him everything is going to be ok and helping him through it. And that brings up another dilemma.

I was reading old texts and he admitted he had told his sister that the whore made him happy. The whore makes him happy. He was happier in those 3 1/2 months, sneaking around with her and planning their new life together, and lying and humiliating me, than he’s ever been with me. So again, why did he choose me? Was I comfortable and familiar? Did he fear losing his kids? Did he just figure he could transform me into her? I may not be the real thing but if I was willing to try to be like her, and he could still have access to his kids and not have to go through a messy and extremely ugly divorce… Why not?

In the end I think that’s why I don’t like that phrase: Our marriage is better than ever before. It’s based on him getting everything he wants and transforming me into the whore that almost destroyed my family. And I get… words and promises.

Added two days later:  And let’s face it. All of those things he’s now saying to me? I’d bet money he said the same to her. I’m not special.

Top 3 Stupid Things I’ve Heard

As I’ve said before Zack likes to claim he has a genius level IQ.  And yet, he has said some of the stupidest things I’ve ever heard.  I’ve taken the liberty of turning my Top Three Favorite Stupid Things he’s said into memes.

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I always regretted telling him the truth.  I think about how much fun I could have had with that if I had simply let him believe there was a trick to getting the dog to poop into the bag.  Assuming, of course, he ever took the dog out himself.

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I swear, when he began his earnest speech about being old enough to die for your country I thought he was going to argue you should be old enough to order a beer.  But no.  He was fighting for voting rights.  Which had already been granted for quite some time.

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I howled at this one.  Seriously, I was sliding down the seat of the car, laughing hysterically, for a good five minutes.  Then I composed myself and said, “Oh, wait.  I thought you meant you were surprised they understood their commands in a foreign language.”  When he acknowledge that that is indeed what he meant I started laughing all over again!

This didn’t make into the top three but it is another good one.

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Yes, he had never had a bagel until college.  No lasagna either.

<Shaking my damn head>

Revisiting You Mad, Bro?

I know I posted that entry to mock him.  I still mock him.  I want to say he’s so delusional, but calling him delusional seems like I’m excusing him somehow.  No, he’s a big ol’ liar.  Regardless, it has made me think.  Oh, not to take blame or feel badly about myself.  Good God no!  Instead I consider it an interesting case study.

I have read many times over on the Chump Lady blog about how narcissists only have three channels– charm, pity and rage.  As I mentioned in Found Another One, Part 1 and 2, I sometimes felt left out in those conversations.  Zack, for the most part, had checked out completely.  There was very little communication.  What little we did have usually consisted of, “Here’s your insurance cards,” and “Thanks.”  We did have one brief verbal confrontation when I presented him with a bill for his half of the living expenses.

I vividly remember that day.  He came home for lunch (a few glasses of wine) and as he headed to the bedroom I asked him if he had deposited his share of the living expenses into my account.  When he told me he hadn’t I asked him why not.  His response was because he didn’t have the money, to which I replied, “Well, you’d better come up with it or find another place to live.”  He continued on his way and then Sent. Me. A. Text!  Can you believe that shit?  We’re in the same house, no kids, and that chicken shit is going to send me a text to tell me he will look over the bill and figure out what all he owes.  Of course, he made sure to tell me he wasn’t going to contribute towards my cell phone bill.  Hey, gotta cut costs somewhere so you can pay for your whore’s phone and her daughter’s phone.  I marched my chumpy little butt upstairs and attempted to open the door.  He. Had. Locked. It!  Again, what a chicken shit!  I told him he could pay for our kids’ entire cell phone bill instead of splitting it with me, if that’s the way he wanted to play the game.  I also informed him he needed to pay them their allowances.  He wanted to know why I couldn’t just use some of that money that I “took” if I didn’t have enough money.  I was so hopping mad.  I reminded him that the money was for the pool, to pay it off.  I also reminded him that we didn’t have that much savings left because he had been busy pilfering money to Harley all summer.  Then I let him know that if I used that money we would have to come up with another way of paying off the pool. I informed him it would be considered a marital debt and that they don’t split marital debts in half when one person is a SAHM and the other makes a bunch of money.  I remember telling him I would spend every damn dime if he wanted and he condescendingly said, “Looks like someone’s mad.”  I do believe I told him of course I was mad; I had been married to a giant lying, cheating douchebag.  In the end, he came back downstairs and told me he could give me a much reduced amount- take it or leave it.  I also remember telling him that maybe if he hadn’t been blowing all his money on his fake family he might have money to pay his half of the bills, to which he replied, “I’m not!”  That was also the conversation in which he told me this could still be civil.

Aside from the occasional hand off of insurance cards or asking if I had applied for an auto loan we didn’t “speak” again for another two months until The Saint informed me Zack had been sharing naked pictures of me with Harley.  Again, the door was locked. It was a quick conversation.  Get all those damn photos of me off your fucking phone!  Now!  He complied but had the nerve to ask, “What’s this all about?”  Naturally, he denied showing her the pictures when I told him exactly what the problem was.

About a month later I waited until he was leaving for work to inform him Rock Star had been texting him and he was ignoring her.  Mysteriously he was not receiving her text messages!  Might that be because they were asking about her allowance?  Yeah, I think they were coming through just fine; the problem is she was asking for money he didn’t want to pay.  He didn’t have quite so much money to wine and dine the whore and her kids now.  That was another very brief conversation.  He said, of course, he couldn’t pay because he had to pay me more now.  When asked what on earth happened to all of his money he pointed out he had to pay his Am Ex bill- a bill which included $800 worth of gifts to the whore’s kids.  Maybe after he got his bonus he could give them something.

He had no problems asking if I had received the dividend check, though.  He boldly suggested splitting it, or I could use it to pay them their allowances.  I told him I would split it, he could still pay their allowances, and I quickly wrote him a check for his half.  I’m prompt like that.  I’m also not a dick.

The only other interactions we had were a few business like conversations.  In one he needed pictures of some documents for insurance purposes, and in the other one he informed me he needed to file taxes and wanted to know if I had any tax documents back at the house and asked me about the mortgage.  In both instances I complied fairly quickly and without incident.

Why am I bringing up all of these stories?  I promise I do have a point.  I bring them up because for the most part I have given him nothing to rebel against.  I have kept it businesslike and our interactions have been minimal.  Whenever he has made a request I have complied.  No reason not to.

So here’s where it starts to get interesting.  I wrote about how he was looking for some affirmation probably two weeks before the text heard round the world.  I didn’t give it to him.  I cut him off cold.  That was his pity channel.  I’m very familiar with that channel.  Pity is the station I listened to nonstop for over twenty years.

Last week I finally got to change it on over to the rage station.  Exciting!  How dare I not give him affirmation?  How dare I ask where my support check is and ruin his romantic weekend with the whore?

I’m not completely sure if he flew into a rage on his own when I simply made the statement that I hadn’t received my check or my half of the bonus check, or if someone else had their hand up his ass and was moving his mouth.  I don’t really care; I just think it would be nice to know who the real mouth is.

It kind of reminds me of this time we were at his mom’s house.  It was in the morning and I was gathering clothes to throw them in the washing machine.  When he finally got up he was looking around for his jeans.  I told him I had thrown them into the washer.  He said something to me, probably about how I should have just left them alone and I remember replying, “I’m doing your laundry. You should be thanking me instead of bitching about it.”  Oh. My. Word!  He turns on me and begins tearing into me, about how he thanks me for everything and blah blah blah blah.  I was almost in tears when he was done.  All because I thought I was doing something nice for him and washing his jeans.  That, my friends, was the rage channel.  I didn’t see it often, but then again, I rarely stuck up for myself.

There were only two other times I can recall seeing his rage channel.  The first was one night when Rock Star was a toddler- probably more than 12 months, but I’m not sure if she was two yet.  She had woken up in the middle of the night and she wanted to play.  I got stuck doing this and I must have been talking to myself in her room because he charges in and tells me if I’ve got something to say then I better say it to his face.  The other time we got into a fight about something.  I don’t even remember what.  I do remember screaming, “Fuck you!” at him and him screaming it back at me.  I was actually quite proud of myself that time because I felt like I had stood up for myself instead of taking his crap.

I did have one more experience.  I wouldn’t classify it as rage, more like simple anger.  When we bought our former house we had two days to pick a house.  We looked at probably forty of them over these two days.  I liked a multi-level and Zack liked a ranch.  Our realtor told us that the ranch was a better deal if we compared the price by square footage.  So, I acquiesced; we bought the ranch.  I never loved the house.  I tolerated it.  Anyway, the kitchen sink was leaking and I had to pull everything out from under it.  I must have muttered something about “hating this damn house” and one of the kids must have repeated it back to Zack.  “You hate this fucking house?  Nice!  I’m paying the mortgage; I would think you would be a little more grateful.”  He’s big on me being grateful, isn’t he?  Anyway, just another example of me needing to keep my mouth shut about something that bothers me because he can’t handle the truth.  Or rather, he can’t handle any dissent.  Anything other than high praise is taken as an insult and must be shut down immediately!

So, I’m sure this must be an adjustment for Zack.  He’s used to me rolling over, giving in, never making any waves.  He’s used to me keeping my mouth shut, always agreeing, never telling him no or that’s absurd or I don’t like that.  The idea that I might blow off his suggestion that I get a job and in fact give him my standard, “I’ll give your comments all the consideration they’re due,” must have been a real blow to the ego.  Additionally, after I told him I would give his comments all the consideration they were due I had the audacity to lob a bomb at his head by telling him I would really prefer to NOT have to press contempt charges.  Pretty sure he wasn’t expecting that.

I know; I know.  I should have let it go.  But as I told my mom, “I know I poked the bear but sometimes the bear needs to be poked.”

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I’m equally sure that once he mentioned how he would be put in jail and I would be “financially ruined!!!!!” he thought I would back off.  Nope.  Poking that bear with a big, pointy stick.  I’ll toss your ass in jail in a heartbeat!

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Then he tries to switch back over to the pity channel but he doesn’t quite make it.  It’s a pity/rage combo.  You should be grateful to me!  You have a great life because of me!  I’m supporting you and you should appreciate that shit a little bit more!  He’s still seeking that affirmation and he’s getting pretty damn pissed that I refuse to give it to him.  What’s even more frustrating is that when I finally do “thank” him I thank him for all of the wrong things.  What’s going on here?  Sam always caves when I turn on the rage!

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Not this time, you shit eating chimp!  I’m sure he expected me to crumble under the weight of him calling me a bitch and telling me he was glad he left me.  Oh, and that I had no class.  Surely this will do it!  Surely she will fall back into line, and if she doesn’t then at the very least she will be devastated and ruined by my verbal assault.  Instead I blow him off.  And now he hits the ceiling.  Rage, rage everywhere!  How dare she not bow down to my awesomeness?  She is an ungrateful, lazy bitch.  I shall spew more insults in the hopes that she will succumb.

Too bad it didn’t work.  Again, I thanked him for his comments and that pretty much put an end to the conversation.

I really think a lot of it came about because he is not used to me standing up for myself.  He used pity to get his way most of the time.  Tell me a sad story and I want to make it all better.  He excelled at that.  Anytime a conversation about his affair would get a little too uncomfortable he would steer it onto the topic of what a horrible person he was, how much he was going to lose, what a shitty life he had, how he was a horrible dad, and so on.  It was quite effective because instead of focusing on the things he had done and the problems in the marriage I quickly rescued him and assured him that he wasn’t a horrible person and that he wasn’t a horrible father and by golly we would get through all of this together.  I loved him and we were a team; I wasn’t going anywhere.  Disgusting.

Now, pity is not working.  Sam refuses to give him affirmation.  I’m not going to say, “Thanks for doing what you’re legally compelled to do!  I sure do appreciate it.  Thank goodness you’re not a deadbeat like some of those cheating bastards out there.  No, you’re a cheating bastard who takes his financial obligations seriously.  Thank you!”  Because I won’t give him the affirmation he seeks he now has to try to control me with rage.  Sorry, that one isn’t going to work either.  I don’t care if you like me or not.  In fact, I told you the first time around you wouldn’t like me as an ex-wife. #idontlie #toldyouso

I find it all fascinating.  I am literally experiencing that which I’ve read about over on Chump Lady.  I’ve seen the pity channel; I’ve seen the rage channel.  I wonder if I’ll ever get a chance to see the charm channel.  Nah, I don’t think he has that much of a range.

Found Another One, Part 3

I talked to “Anne” again.  “Talked to” is a bit of a misnomer.  We correspond through messages.

Is it strange that I don’t harbor animosity towards her the way I do towards Harley?  She, like Harley, knew he was married.  She has copped to being married herself at the time this happened.  Another one of those stories where she was lonely; her husband had affairs of his own and didn’t pay much attention to her.  She amended her statement about how he said horrible things about me but added, “He probably said you never had sex, but then again, that’s what all married men say.”  So, she even knew he was feeding her a bunch of bullshit to keep her on the hook.  She, like Harley, also didn’t care that there was a wife and two kids.  He gave her attention; it made her feel good.  That’s all she cared about.

I don’t know why this one doesn’t bug me.  I think a big part of it is because he didn’t know her in real life.  I vividly recall zooming in on Harley when he told me about her because she was *real*; for some reason I knew she was a threat.  He knew her, knew how to get in contact with her.  It would be easy to do so.  All he had to do was say he was going to visit his mom. I discarded the “others” as no big deal.  Again, I figured he had probably met them playing online games.  They existed as figments of his imagination; he couldn’t get in touch with them for real without having to jump through a lot of hoops.  Is it because as far as I know he never told “Anne” he loved her, never shouted from the rooftops that he was going to marry her?  Perhaps it is simply  because of the things I touched on in Part 2.  She is evidence that Zack is fucked up.  He’s a cheater, through and through.  It wasn’t because he was unhappy.  It wasn’t because he found the love of his life.  It’s not because Harley is “the one”.  He’s just an asshole and “Anne” is evidence of this.

She says she has a terrible memory so she’s not completely sure when they were sexting.  She does know it was when we lived in our former state.  That didn’t help me because I knew that much.  As I was discussing this with my mom, Elderly P.I., I came to the conclusion that she must have contacted me after I found out about his ongoing relationship with Harley.  That’s the only thing that made sense.  If I had received messages from her before I wouldn’t have been so gobsmacked when he told me he had been texting other women.  I clearly remember how that seemed to have come straight out of left field.  I was in absolute shock.  I had always said that he might one day leave me but he would never cheat.  If I had received her messages before his “confession” I don’t think I would have been so shocked.

It also explains why I immediately confronted him.  Seeing as how I had already been through this crap earlier I wouldn’t have dismissed her comments without saying something to him.  Unfortunately, I didn’t give them nearly enough weight.  Although again, going back to my PSA- give some examples, people!  Don’t be cryptic.  Just blurt it out.  That would have got my attention.  Instead, I got fuzzy, cryptic messages that I immediately brought to my husband’s attention.  Big mistake!

Additionally, it offers up a reason why I was so eager to believe him when he explained it all away.  I had fought like hell to keep my marriage together.  The threat had been eliminated, or so I thought.  Now here was yet another person claiming my husband was someone I didn’t know.  I was going to get to the bottom of this and confront him, see what was up.  Once he rationally explained the situation, though, I bought it hook, line, and sinker.  Why?  Because I wanted to.  I wanted my family to remain intact.  I wanted the life I had.  I don’t know if I expected him to fall to his knees and beg for mercy.  I don’t know if he realized he had already blown all the other women off and claimed Harley was the only one so now he couldn’t go back and retract that statement without some serious consequences.  Hell, I don’t even know if this was a fourth or fifth woman, or if he was involved with her the entire time he was sexting Harley.  Maybe she’s someone he began sexting after he broke things off with her.  I don’t know.

Despite all the things I don’t know there are a few things I do know.  That line always makes me laugh.  We had a cousin (gosh, I sure do have a lot of cousins, don’t I?  Imagine that- I haven’t slept with a single one of them!) who had to take an exam in college.  She was an adult student, going back to school.  She looks at the exam, turns it over and writes:  I don’t know the answers to any of these questions.  But this is what I DO know, and proceeds to write down everything she learned in the class.  She got a C!  If that example has taught me anything it is that is doesn’t really matter what you don’t know; you let everyone know what you do know!

This is what I do know redux!

1. It was definitely Zack she was sexting.  I sent her a picture of him.  He’s such an arrogant asshole he used his real fucking name and his picture on his account.  She verified that it was, indeed, him.

2.  She knew how many kids we had, that we had a boy and girl, that they had their own rooms and they both had TVs in them.  That is some spooky shit!  Hey, Cousinfucker, if you’re going to sext around with random women could you maybe leave my fucking kids out of it?  Thanks!

3.  She said he was an arrogant, know it all bastard, always tossing his job title around and talking about what an important job he had.

4.  She knew what industry he was in.

5.  She knew what state we lived in with no prompting from me.  Maybe her memory isn’t all that bad???

6.  She said he told her some disturbing things which prompted her to break things off with him; at that time she also told him she was going to contact me.  That explains why he was able to come up with his lies so easily.  He had advanced notice that this was coming.

7.  She is not 100% about the claims she’s making against him.  She’s not sure who he was referring to, although when given a list of names she did pick one out and say that sounded about right.  She’s also not sure if he was being honest, or if he was pushing limits.  She told me she really pushed his limits, although she never elaborated on that, and that he pushed hers as well.  He could have been making up everything he said to her.

8.  On the first evening I contacted her she said Zack had said horrible things about me.  When I asked her to elaborate on what kinds of things he had said she told me that he never spoke badly about me.  Again, potentially fed her the line that we never had sex, but wasn’t telling her how awful I was.  That, too, puts the things she is saying into question.

9.  She has frequently referred to him as a pervert and a creep.  She said he never helped her as he claimed (duh!) but that it was all perverted sexting.

10.  As I said the other day they met on Thumb, which is now disbanded.  Eventually they took it over to Kik, which she claims is nothing but sexting.  I believe it.  When I asked my daughter if she had ever heard of Kik she said it was nothing but trouble and if I had the app I should delete it.

11.  I asked her if he ever talked about other women to her.  She said he did not.  I realize that means nothing except he was smart enough not to let the OW know there were other OW.

I find messaging to be a little discombobulating.  You’re asking a question at the same time they’re asking you something, or you ask two questions and they only answer one.  There are things I would like to know that she hasn’t answered but I don’t think the answers ultimately matter.  Does it matter if he began this relationship with her after he ended it with Harley?  Does it matter if she’s #4 or #5 or #2?  No.  He has shown me repeatedly who he is.  I don’t need more evidence.

She doesn’t bother me the way Harley does.  I can’t say I feel sorry for her because she knew what she was getting into.  She was married and sexting with another married man.  She didn’t want to talk originally when I messaged her because she is now divorced and has a new relationship which she doesn’t want to mess up.  She said she was very ashamed of her past behavior.  However, she did tell me her new boyfriend is going through a divorce as well and she mentioned how pissed she was originally about some of the settlement agreements he and his STBX had made.  Makes me wonder if he was already divorcing when they met or if she was once again the other woman.

I do find it funny that she offers me support, encouragement and advice.  She has said things like I’m so much better off without him, we women need to stick together, I’m on the woman’s side, I hope you take him for everything he’s got, the one with the better lawyer wins.  She was also giving me tips on how to interact with him during the divorce- stay no contact, don’t listen or talk to him at all, run everything through the lawyers but use them as little as possible because they cost money, keep your nose clean, take the high road.  Then she’s giving me tips on how to cope with the divorce- try to act normal, cry alone and to your friends because that will be better for my kids, get counseling for me and the kids. She even tells me she is confident I will find love again.  Finally she offers up legal advice and how long I can expect to get alimony and child support.  She also tells me about her life- her sucky marriage, her family, how she goes to counseling, her dog.

Look, Anne, I don’t hate you the way I hate Harley.  In fact, I don’t hate you at all, but we are not Cameron Diaz and Leslie Mann in “The Other Woman”.  You’re inconsequential to me aside from being a source of information.  I appreciate the fact that you were willing to talk to me but I have to keep in the back of my mind that you were a willing participant in a sexting relationship with my husband.  I’m not sure how much, if at all, I can trust you and the things you say.  You’ve got some pretty compelling evidence, and you’ve certainly given me a shitload of things to think about.  I’m not lying when I say the things she told me are highly disturbing.  But if I need a pep talk I’m going to turn to my friends- those I know in real life and those I’ve met through the blogging community.  I’m going to turn to my family.  And if I need legal advice I’m going to turn to my lawyer.  I won’t take it from the shit eating chimp and I’m not going to take it from you, even though you are, so far, making a lot of sense.  I also appreciate the fact that you’re trying to high five me and let me know you believe in the solidarity of women, but I just have to ask.  If you really thought women should stick together, wouldn’t you have refused to have gotten involved with a married man in the first place?

Found Another One, Part 2

We left off with me pondering how many sexting partners Zack had.  We also left off with me feeling a little vindicated that he was potentially cheating on Harley the entire time, too.  Seems only right since she’s allegedly cheating on him.

Is it crazy that I feel better knowing there are more out there?  Is it crazy that I’m kind of relieved to discover that Zack is, if not a sociopath, definitely on the sliding scale of being one?  I have read a lot of the entries on Chump Lady.  There is a lot of dysfunction that many of her readers have dealt with.  I was feeling like I had one of those “Exit Affair/He Went Poof” cheaters.  Nothing to see here; move along. Others have had the spouses that have cheated since day one of their marriage, or they’ve had multiple affairs over the course of their relationship.  Obviously, if they’ve been cheating since day one it’s nothing the cheated on spouse did.  They talk about what narcissists the X’s are, or what sociopaths they are.  I wasn’t wanting my very own sociopath.  I’m not a psychiatrist so I can’t even say for certain that Zack is a sociopath.

I guess the short version is as follows.  Sometimes, despite my rational knowledge, it was easy to think that I was the problem.  Not necessarily the problem as in I did something wrong, or I didn’t do enough of something, but as in I wasn’t the right one for him.  Kind of like if two people love one another but one wants kids and the other doesn’t.  That’s usually a deal breaker; there is no compromise on that.  One child is not a compromise.  You are either a parent or you’re not. Similarly, you could have two people who love each other but one wants to get married and the other doesn’t.  Again, there’s no compromise.  You’re either married or you’re not.

If what he had was an exit affair then that meant our marriage was a miserable place for him and once he was able to extricate himself he might find happiness and live up to his full potential.  He might become a happy person, full of life, who was pleasant to be around.  I know; I know.  Personality transplants are not a real thing.  But maybe… Maybe if he really was unhappy with me because, for whatever reason, I couldn’t meet his needs then he could be happy with someone else.  Maybe Harley really was the right person for him and she could make him happy whereas I could not.

I suppose I felt that cheaters who had an exit affair were somehow different from cheaters who just cheated for the hell of it.  Afterall, the point of an exit affair is in it’s title.  It’s meant to help you exit your marriage.  Haven’t you ever heard a cheater proclaim, “I didn’t leave my spouse  for the OP.  Our marriage was dead long before that.  The OP simply propelled me into taking that next step,”?  Isn’t it nice to have someone warming your bed while you go through the divorce?  You’ve got someone to hold your hand and tell you everything is going to be okay.  The thinking seems to be that when someone has an exit affair it may not necessarily be about the spouse, but it is definitely about how the cheater isn’t happy in the marriage.  It’s portrayed almost like if the marriage hadn’t been this poisonous prison then the person never would have cheated.  After all, the cheater didn’t leave for Sparky; the cheater just didn’t leave until Sparky came along.  In other words, Zack isn’t really a cheater.  He’s a loyal guy who tried so hard to make his marriage work and totally believes in fidelity; however, under the right circumstances he can be pushed too far and make “bad choices”.  Zack never wanted to cheat; he’s really a stand up guy.  You have to understand he was miserable and felt so unloved and neglected.  He was practically forced to cheat.  Now that he’s happy with Harley he’ll never cheat because he has no reason to cheat.

I think that was the main difference for me between him and other, long-term and/or serial cheaters.  If you have someone who has cheated constantly obviously the problem is them and not you.  As Chump Lady herself said once, “He was cheating even before he asked me to marry him!  How could it possibly have been my fault?”  If your spouse has been cheating since the beginning of your marriage how can they possibly say they cheated because the marriage had died, or you were paying too much attention to the kids, or you gained weight and he was no longer attracted to you, or any of the myriad of excuses they give to justify their actions?  If your spouse cheats once and you forgive them, probably taking on “your share” of the problem and improving yourself, and then they cheat again even with all of your improvements, then how do you blame yourself?  The conventional wisdom with this sort of cheater seems to say it’s nothing that the wronged spouse did or didn’t do; these are people that like to cheat.  They like the thrill of the secrecy and they like cake.  But the exit affair cheaters?  Nah, they’re just unhappy.  Clear that up and everything will be fine.  It will never happen again. NOTE:  I am NOT saying that those people who are in those situations don’t feel exactly the same way I do.  It’s simply my own thinking and how I blamed myself.

With this new information I am shown once again that he is a liar and a cheater.  In fact, he’s a run of the mill type cheater.  A serial cheater.  It had nothing to do with being an exit affair.  He will never be happy.  It was never about me.  It was always about him.  She’s not special; she’s just available and willing to fawn over him.  More importantly, it wasn’t about ME.  It wasn’t that I didn’t make him happy or that I neglected him or treated him badly.  It wasn’t that I “stayed for the money” or that he felt like nothing more than a handyman and a wallet.  It had nothing to do with sex.  It had nothing to do with our marriage being dead or us living like roommates.  It had nothing to do with ME at all.  He is a broken, entitled, pompous asshole who thinks the world should bow down and kiss his ass.  He would have cheated no matter what.

Believe me, I am completely on board with the line of thinking that says you didn’t make your cheater cheat.  I am adamantly against this idea of looking at your own behavior and accepting your part of the blame for the affair because “affairs aren’t the disease; they’re the symptom.”  No, affairs occur because the cheater has poor character and they’re entitled nitwits.  It’s hard to explain because on one hand I do believe that.  Even with Zack I could reasonably say, “If he was unhappy he should have talked to me or he should have left.  He is not justified in having an affair.”  But hearing all that talk about serial cheaters it made me feel like maybe… maybe he’s not one of those disordered flaming turds shot straight out of Satan’s ass.  They lie constantly.  They take things underground.  They get better and better at cheating.  Maybe my cheater was different.  Maybe he was unhappy and that’s what caused all of this and truth be told, if I had just danced a little harder or a little prettier, then I could have made him happy and he wouldn’t have cheated.  Rubbish, I know!  The thing is even knowing all I knew there was still a little part of me that thought maybe I deserved this and perhaps Zack wasn’t like all those other guys.  You could clearly see the crazy shrouding them.  I just had an exit affair cheater who basically vanished.  I didn’t even realize all of that was buried in my psyche until I found this other woman.

Acts 9:18  Immediately, something like scales fell from Saul’s eyes, and he could see again.  He got up and was baptized.

The above Bible verse keeps running through my head.  The scales have fallen from my eyes.  I have a new reality.  Zack is every bit as disordered as the ones I hear about.  He didn’t have one affair.  He had at least two, probably three, and potentially many more.  He has been lying for God only knows how long.  He can look you right in the eye and without missing a beat feed you a line of bullshit and convince you it was the truth.

Now that I know this I think back to a co-worker of his.  She was young, I think early to mid 20s.  I remember a text message exchange I saw between the two of them after we had moved.  Nothing that really stood out at first.  She was talking about work.  She was back at the previous plant and we were now in BFE.  He said he still got tons of emails and texts from people back at the old plant because they had questions and the person who had taken his place didn’t know the answer so they would still come to Zack. Oh, more professional advice!  I’m sensing a theme here.  As I said, the text started off innocently enough.  After they talked about work he asked her what her plans were for the day.  She wasn’t going to spend her Saturday working, was she?  She told him she was only working half a day and then she was going to a cookout.  His reply?  “Good girl.”  That lit up all sorts of warning signs because that was something he would say to me when we were intimate.  I did not appreciate him saying that same phrase to this young woman who was supposedly coming to him for professional advice.  I’m not sure I would have found that to be an appropriate response even if he didn’t say such a thing to me in the bedroom.  I even mentioned to him that they seemed to be texting an awful lot.  His response was that she was asking him questions having to do with work.  As I said, oh, more professional advice.  I never saw anything inappropriate but then again I’m pretty sure he knew I checked his phone randomly so if he was sexting with her he would have deleted the messages.  Nonetheless, I wouldn’t be surprised to find out they, too, had at least an emotional affair/sexting fling.

While in a weird respect I am relieved to find out he’s just an ordinary lying cheater in another respect I sometimes sit here slack-jawed wondering, “Who in the hell did I marry?  And how did I never see it?”

Isaiah 35:5 Then the eyes of the blind shall be opened, and the ears of the deaf unstopped.

Found Another One, Part 1

13kz43

Note:  This is my 100th entry!  I was going to do a separate post but I think this one is rather appropriate for this milestone.

“Do you think he’s done this before?”

That was a question my mom asked me when I told her about Zack and his affair with Harley.

My response at the time was I didn’t see how. He wasn’t a social person.  He wasn’t like some of the people you hear about who always had an excuse for why they weren’t home- golfing, drinks with the guys, boys only weekends, etc.  He went to work and came home.  He didn’t travel frequently for business- maybe once every two-four months, and usually only  a day or two. Usually it wasn’t even that much.  He had an annual business meeting that lasted for about 5 days but he always came back talking about everything that went on there. He was a homebody, holed up in the bedroom watching television and working on genealogy charts. Hell, he didn’t even like socializing with our friends.

I remember getting ready to leave for a friend’s 40th surprise birthday party.  Zack worked with the man, I was friends with his wife, and our daughters were friends as well.  At the last minute, after he had gotten ready, he began pouting.  “I don’t want to go to this.  I’m not even supposed to socialize with everyone there because I’m their boss and I could get fired for that!”  Fucking drama queen!  I had had enough at that point and I was going, dammit!  I told the pouting little princess he could sit his ass at home.  “Don’t go then!”  I went and when people asked me where Zack was I would reply, “He’s at home.”  “Oh.  What’s wrong with him?” would usually be the followup question.  “Ask him yourself on Monday,” was my response.  I had had it; I was done making excuses for his shitty, anti-social behavior.

Oh!  Sudden memory block removed.  That’s probably yet another reason he’s given for cheating on me.  I didn’t support him and offer up excuses for his shitty behavior.  Sorry.  Back to the scheduled entry.

Anyway, when my mom asked me that I, again, replied that I didn’t think he had cheated with anyone else.  Didn’t see when he could have found the time or opportunity.  No, he found real love with Harley.  She made him happy several years ago and by golly he was going to reclaim that happiness with his exit affair.

It’s funny how your mind works, though.  After my little dustup with him last week a memory popped into my head.  I cannot remember for the life of me when this happened but I do remember exactly where I was.  I was in our master bathroom, and we were both getting ready.  I’m fairly sure I was wearing a robe and he was either naked, or almost naked, getting ready to get in the shower.

I had received a friend request from a woman probably several weeks prior.  Upon checking out her profile I saw she was from the same area as one of my cousins so I figured she was a friend of hers.  I accepted the friend request.  Now, several weeks later I’m getting this strange message from her.  There were two of them.  I can’t remember exactly what she said and I’ve searched and searched my timeline history, messages history, Facebook folder on email, and archives but everything must have been deleted.  I do know the messages were slightly ominous.  Along the lines of, “Do you know what your husband is up to?” and “There are some things about your husband I think you should know.”

I’m going to take a minute right here to do a PSA.  I know there is a lot of debate on whether or not you tell a person about their cheating spouse.  I’m not going to offer up my thoughts right now on which way I think a person should go but I will say this.  If you do decide to tell don’t start it off with cryptic messages.  You go full monty on the person.  Your husband (or wife) is fucking Susie (or Joe) down at Hooter’s.  They regularly meet up on Tuesdays when your husband tells you he’s going bowling.  They have sex in the minivan.  Bob, Tom, and Charlie all know about this and cover for him regularly.  His last “business trip” wasn’t a business trip at all.  He took Susie to Aruba for a romantic weekend. I’m attaching a picture of the two of them together as proof. This was taken last week when he was “working late”.  He was actually celebrating his six month anniversary with Susie.  Let me know if you want further details.  That’s how you tell a person.  Otherwise, this can happen….

I asked Zack if he knew this person.  He admitted he did.  Said he had thought she was a customer.  Offered up that she had sent him a friend request on LinkedIn and because he believed she was a customer he accepted the request.  He asks me why and I blurt out the whole story; I even read him the strange messages.  That’s when he ups the ante.  He tells me he gave her some professional advice, trying to help her out, and she became inappropriate with him.  He may have even mentioned how she became stalker-like.  He had to unfriend her and block her and he advised me to do the same.  “She’s a kook.  Just block her and delete that stuff.”  So I did.

Not that it matters in the long run but I tend to think this happened after he supposedly called things off with Harley the first time.  I keep thinking I felt like we were in a good place, which is why I was so shocked to receive this.  It would also explain the quick confrontation.  It would make sense if I already had evidence that he would cheat.  It also explains why I was so quick to believe his nonsense.

The end to this long story is this:  The memory popped into my mind.  I couldn’t remember her name but I had an inkling (and I was correct as far as her first name went).  I checked my Facebook emails, my archives, my timeline, old messages…. everything I could think of.  I spent probably 18 hours tracking this person down. Yes, I am like a dog with a bone when I latch onto something.  I finally found her name and wouldn’t you know, there were seven or eight of them so then I had to go through all of their profiles. This one is from Idaho and this one is brunette and that one is from Hawaii and… oh, bingo!  Perhaps.  I thought I had found the correct one but I wanted to make sure.  It had been two or three years. I thought her job sounded familiar but I wasn’t 100% positive.  I recalled from the time we were “friends” that she had a very recognizable picture on her timeline.  I searched through her photos.  No similar picture. In fact, she didn’t appear to have a lot of pictures on her page.  Maybe this was a new page and I had the wrong person?  I started going through her entire timeline on her page.  Time intensive.  Tedious.  Worth it!  Eventually I found one of those, “Your life on Facebook” stories.  I couldn’t review the pictures; it kept taking me to a link where I could create my own life story.  But- there was a thumbnail with the link and there it was- the picture I remembered.  It was tiny because it was part of a collage but I recognized it.  It was her. I sent her a message, letting her know I was interested in hearing what she had to say and she responded.

I know you will all be surprised to find out she wasn’t a stalker at all and he did not help her professionally.  In fact, he didn’t even connect with her on LinkedIn.  Oh no!  Lying Romeo, unbeknownst to me, had a Kik account and a Thumb account.  That’s where he met her.  She was another sexting partner.  She also told me some rather disturbing things about him which I will keep private.  I will say, however, that those things have really made me question who the hell I was married to for the last twenty plus years.  I will also say she told me she thought he was an asshole and a pervert and that he said horrible things about me.  Surprise, surprise!  It’s good to see that some things never change.

So, it looks like Harley wasn’t the only one.  As a friend of mine put it, “Where there’s two there’s bound to be more.”  I’m now wondering if I need to go amend my “The Whole Sad Story” posts.  As you may recall, in the very beginning, when I found the drama queen sitting in the bathtub looking like he was having an anxiety attack  he told me had been texting other women.  He told me there were three of them; he went on to further elaborate that he didn’t “know” two of them but he did know the third.  Yeah, that was our little white trash ex-con Harley.  I always figured the other two must have been people he met playing online games on his phone.  After finding out he was telling people he was going to marry Harley I asked him if there were even other women or if he had made them up to protect her and keep me from realizing how serious their relationship had always been.  He admitted that the other two women were people he had met on public Internet forums. Everything was out in the open, he had given them advice, and nothing inappropriate had actually happened with them.  Harley was the only one with whom he was having any kind of an affair.  Perhaps he felt he had a chance to grab a “Get Out of Jail Free” card and could disavow any relationship with the other two.  Maybe he decided it was far better to admit to a serious relationship with Harley as opposed to letting me think he had numerous sexting buddies.  Whatever the case may be I am on unsure footing.  Was he lying then, when he said he made them up?  Or was he simply lying the entire time?  Were there three?  Were there more than three?  How long had he been doing this?  In some ways I’d like to know if he was sexting with this other person (I’ll call her Anne) the entire time he was sexting with Harley or if he began a relationship with her after he called it quits with Harley.  I know it doesn’t matter.  He’s a lying liar who lies and a cheating cheater who cheats.  That’s all I need to know.  For some reason I think it would make me feel better to know the entire time he’s telling people he’s going to marry his gold digging ex-con that he’s sexting other women.  A vindication perhaps.  See?  You’re nothing special, Harley.  He’s cheating on you just like he cheated on me.  You don’t make him any happier than I did.

Stay tuned.  I’ve got more to say on this topic.

13kz95

 

My Anti-Song List (Or Songs I Can’t Listen To)

A while back I wrote about the songs on my Freedom song list.  There were many and I have added a few more.  There are a few songs, though, that I can’t listen to.  Perhaps “can’t” listen to them is a bit dramatic.  I no longer like to hear them is probably more apt.

First up on that list is “Just Give Me a Reason” by Pink.  I loved this song back in 2013.  After CF’s confession about “texting” with other women and him later telling me he didn’t know if he loved me anymore I truly believed this song represented us. I listened to it all summer while he was sexting and texting Harley and I was doing a pick me dance I didn’t even know I was doing. Just listen to Pink!  Hear her wise words! We’re not completely broken.  We’re bent.  We can recover.  We are the Six Million Dollar Man- we will rebuild, we will be faster, stronger, better than before!  This song spoke to me and gave me hope.  Now I hear it and it just makes me sad.  We weren’t bent; we were broken, never to be healed.

Even worse for me is John Legend’s “All of Me”.  Shortly after I found out about his second affair with Harley, when all I could do was watch TV in a stupor, I was catching up on “Baby Daddy”.  Towards the end of the episode Bonnie’s boyfriend, Brad, proposes to her by singing this song.  It was a lovely little group song and dance number and I had to fast forward through it.  “Just Give Me a Reason” was the song of the summer of 2013.  It was the song that was supposed to give us hope.  “All of Me” was the song of redemption, a song of love.  That was how he supposedly felt about me now.  What would he do without me?  He loved all of me, my curves and my edges, every perfect imperfection, every inch of me, everything about me.  Until he didn’t.

I also have no desire to listen to “Amazed” by Lone Star or “I Swear” by John Michael Montgomery.  The former is the song we danced to, holding our year old daughter, at Jezebel’s second wedding.  That’s all I think of now when I hear the song.  I used to love it.  The latter is the song Jezebel sang at our wedding.

The jury is still out on Elvis.  We danced our first dance to “Love Me Tender” and CF was a huge Elvis fan.  I didn’t care much about him one way or the other.  I guess because you don’t hear a lot of Elvis music on regular music stations I don’t have as an averse reaction to him and that song.  It could also be because when we picked that song it was solely because CF was an Elvis fan.  The song itself didn’t mean anything to either of us.

I can listen to “Fooled Around and Fell In Love” by Elvin Bishop but it always reminds me of our wedding.  We have a lot of Polish style weddings where we got married and one of the things they traditionally do is the Dollar Dance.  That was the last song that played. We danced with the last of the people who had paid to dance with us and then, in a moment of silliness, Cousinfucker and Blockhead embraced and began slow dancing with one another and I danced with my maid of honor.  Then he took me into his arms and we danced the last bit of that song with each other.  I probably wouldn’t have even remembered it that vividly but my uncle recorded most of my reception for me and that moment was captured.  I remember other songs from my wedding but none of them seem to affect me that way.

Just on principle I can’t stand to listen to anything by LeeAnn Rimes or Jason Aldean.  I only have one or two songs by Cheater Aldean but I used to love LeeAnn Rimes.  CF and I even went to see her at the county fair almost 20 years ago.  I’m sure there are other cheaters out there putting out music but those two always spring to mind, especially because of all the paparazzi coverage they received.

Finally, on a slightly funny note, every time I listen to Hozier’s “Take Me to Church” I envision CF and his drama queen antics.  He had laid his head on my lap, or he was draped over the couch, or anywhere that someone might see him, singing along and bawling his eyes out.  Oh, the tortured song that flowed from his lips.  I’m sure he thought the lyrics:

Take me to church

I’ll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies

I’ll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife

Offer me that deathless death

Good God, let me give you my life

were prophetic.  I, on the other hand, do not think they mean what he thought they meant!  This was when he was heavily into this idea that he was suffering from PTSD and “American Sniper” had brought up so many horrible memories for him.  It takes a special kind of evil to use war and dead people to gain sympathy for your “tortured” soul.  I’m sure he thought Hozier was pouring out his heart about all of his sins and begging for absolution and good ol’ Cousinfucker was right there with him.  I’ll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife.  Ah, yes; that’s the line that had him hooked, I would guess.  Such a drama queen.  He had to do it in front of an audience.  Couldn’t stay upstairs and cry by himself.  Oh no, people needed to see this!  They needed to be included in the agony he was enduring.

Excuse me while I go vomit.

Revenge Fantasties

I have been so good throughout this entire experience.  Even before I began reading Chump Lady I knew I needed to find out what I was entitled to and needed to start lining my ducks up.  It’s a wonderful plan and I highly recommend it if you choose divorce but it does not leave much room for taking revenge on your cheating sonofabitch by outing him (or her) in a most public way.  I console myself by thinking of different ways that I would have loved to have busted him.  Would you like to hear them?  These are not in any particular order.

#1  I believe I have shared how I was notified that he was cheating and less than three days later he took off to visit his “best friend”.  Only he wasn’t going to see Blockhead; he was going to see Harley.  Lying sonofabitch!  At that point my mom, christened Elderly P.I. by my brother, took off to where Harley lived to stake out her place and see if his car was there.  It was.  So Fantasy #1 was to simply send him a text with a picture of his car and the word Busted.  Alternative Fantasty #1 would be to send him the picture of his car along with the the caption, “Hey, isn’t that your car?  Funny, that’s not Blockhead’s house.”

#2  This one would also have taken place during that particular weekend.  I believe I also shared how the lying sack of shit tried to get me to send him pictures of my fantastic rack while he’s screwing the whore.  I refused.  Fired up on indignation in Fantasy #2 I would FaceTime the fuckhead and act normal at first.  Then I would hit him over the head with it.

Me:  You want those pictures now?  I can do it right here, right now.  But first, I want you to do something for me.

Cousinfucker:  Whatever you want!

Me (beginning to tease my shirt upwards):  Are you sure?  You’ll do anything?

Cousinfucker:  Yes!  Yes!

Me (teasing my shirt up even more):  Can you tell that whore Harley I said hi and she’s welcome to you?

Cousinfucker sits there with his mouth hanging open like a carp.

Me:  And while you’re at it, don’t bother to come home you incestuous bastard!  Your shit will be on the lawn.  You can come collect it Monday morning.  After that it’s gone.

Cousinfucker still has a stupid expression on his face.

Me:  Oh, hey, did I mention I’ve already talked to a lawyer and according to him you’re going to paying me out over 75% of your paycheck?  Yeah, turns out here in our new state they take your annual gross salary, which means they’re going to be including your bonus and your stock.  I hope you like living on your bonus check.  Also, turns out all that money you’ve been spending on the whore you get to pay me 50% of that.  And, I’ve cleared out the checking and savings accounts and put that money someplace safe so you can’t continue to give it to the whore and her kids.  Finally, and this is really important, I’m filing for divorce on Monday.  You have fun fucking that whore!

#3  A slight alternative of Fantasy #2 would have been responding to his text where he was demanding to know why I hadn’t sent him any naked pictures.  My response?  Why don’t you have Harley show you hers?  Or, upon him asking, “Why haven’t you sent me any pictures?” I could have replied, “Because you’re fucking Harley.  Go take a  look at hers, you sick fuck!”

#4  No phone call.  He walks out to his car at work after he has returned from his lovefest weekend.  Finds clothes and various household items in and around his car.  Big sign on the front and back of his car that says:  I moved my wife and kids 2000 miles across the country.  Now I’m having an affair with my cousin.

#5  Similar to #4 but in this one he comes home after his blissful weekend with the whore and finds his shit out on the lawn.  Possibly with the locks changed, too.  Just to cement the facts in his messed up mind I would send him a picture of his car the next day.  Caption?  Hmmm…. I told you you wouldn’t like me as an ex-wife.  Or maybe more fact-based.  “My mother followed your ass to Harley’s.  Hope you had a great weekend because I’m filing for divorce.”

#6  When I talked to Harley’s husband I did so in the shadows.  In Fantasy #6 I place the call right in front of Cousinfucker.  On speakerphone.

Your wife is doing what to my husband?

Hey, Cousinfucker, did you hear that?  He says you’ve been sending Harley money all summer long.

He’s paying for her divorce?  Cousinfucker, how did you think you were going to pay for her divorce?  You need to pay for your own divorce and for my divorce.  I don’t think you have enough funds to pay for a third set of lawyer fees.

Oh, his MOM is the one who encouraged the slut to call him?  I’m shocked, Saint!

He blew off our family vacation so he could attend a “family reunion” with your wife?  He didn’t just want to go see his mommy; he really wanted to fuck your wife?

Tell me more, Saint!  Tell me every little dirty detail!

#7  This one isn’t a fantasy about confronting him.  Instead I used to fall asleep fantasizing about him driving off a mountain and how I would handle the aftermath.  First, I debated even telling his family about it.  I know; I know.  That’s just evil and I’m better than that.  Yes, I probably am.  I did consider telling the nice, imaginary state trooper that he or she needed to contact Tammy Faye or Harley because I wasn’t going to be the one responsible for telling people. Up next was recovery of his remains.  IF I even claimed his body I would have had him cremated.  No big deal because that’s what he said he wanted.  I was torn on whether or not I’d send Tammy Faye his ashes.  I’m sure she would want them but she’s pissed me off and I have no pity for her.  I seriously debated just tossing his ashes in the trash and throwing them out in the garbage.  There are probably regulations against that, but hey, this is my revenge fantasy.  I wouldn’t have a funeral or a memorial service.  I’d tell Tammy Faye if she wanted to have one for him then she and the whore could pay for it.  I was weighing the pros and cons on that.  I figured if his kids wanted some sort of a service to say goodbye then I would be willing to have something, but otherwise no dice.  Naturally Harley would NOT be welcome if I did end up having a service for the kids.  I’m sure the rest of his family would be cringing at the thought of me being in charge and having to potentially be nice to me.  I would not have hesitated to kick their asses to the curb if they gave me even the slightest hint of attitude.  That’s assuming, of course, that they would even be willing to travel to our town for his service.  Tammy Faye and Harley might have ended up coughing up money for their own funeral after all.  Finally, I would immediately cancel Harley’s and her daughter’s cell phones and have my lawyer draft a letter to her informing her she needed to turn the phones over to me within 7 days or I would sue her.  I don’t know if I really could have but I’d like to think that I could.  It would be the same with all the crap he bought her and her kids.  If I could sue her to recoup my losses I would.

To be clear while the thought of wrecking havoc upon his death was comforting to me in the early days I wasn’t looking to actually hasten his demise.  I would not have been sad but I wasn’t looking to do the deed myself.

#8  Also not a fantasy about confronting him but rather what I sometime wish I had done.  In this fantasy I out him completely.  I rent a few billboards- one close to his workplace, one close to where she lives, one close to where she works.  And then I post pictures and the story- He moved his family across the country and then began an affair with his cousin.  She knowingly began an affair with a married man.  P.S.  She’s married, too… with four kids.  I haven’t really given the caption a lot of thought.  I might go with something a little snappier.

#9  I heavily considered going to church where his boss attended. I don’t know if that would have benefitted me.  Judging by his response when I found out CF had resigned and left the state it probably wouldn’t have.  Then again, maybe if I had started attending right away I could have presented my side of the story first.  Obviously, I wouldn’t have started off with, “He’s a lying, cheating sonofabitch.”  I’m sure I could have subtlely worked it in somehow.  Maybe over lunch….

#10  This one would not have been in my best interest but if I were intent upon completely wrecking him I could have sent a letter to either his boss or someone in HR, telling them about the various charges he was putting on his corporate card and how he drank everyday at lunch time.  I’m not sure if anything would have been done about the corporate card because I’m fairly certain that as long as he paid it off and didn’t try to submit it as a company expense, they didn’t care.  But I could also inform them that he was taking business trips with his mistress and they might want to look into that.  I’m also fairly certain they would have been very interested in the drinking over the course of his two hour lunch break.  Fortunately for him I knew that if I got him fired it would impact me financially.  Sure, arrears would build up but that wouldn’t have helped me at the time.

In the end what really happened was I was informed of his infidelity; I talked to The Saint and learned about the scope of his treachery.  I kept my mouth shut while I collected financial information and made appointments to talk to lawyers.  I kept playing the game while I made sure the information I had been given was true.  Eventually I transferred the money from our accounts into an account he couldn’t access seeing as how he’d been lying and giving the whore money all summer.  The day that I went to sign the papers to file for divorce was the day he discovered the missing money.  It was pretty anticlimactic.  He asked what had happened to the money and I told him I had taken steps to protect myself and my kids.  Thirty minutes later he’s asking if I’m still going to make him spaghetti for dinner.  Ah, but a girl can dream…