The Beginning of the Worst Decision of My Life

January 2014

I’m pretty sure we’re moving. The first time he mentioned wanting to go was shortly after he told me about his whore. All summer long I was adamant about not moving. I’m settled here. My kids have lives here. And I had no idea where our marriage stood. Like I said, who intentionally moves closer to her husband’s whore? But things seem to be on track and while I worry about my kids I’m ok with the move. Usually. I worry I’m going to get a lot of blowback when it’s holiday time. I’m not going to want to go and I don’t know if he will go without me. I hope he does. Unless of course it’s a front to go visit his whore. Then I will not be happy. I worry that he thinks life will be wonderful out there and when his family isn’t showing up all the time he’ll get depressed. And I do have a tiny amount of fear that things will start up with the whore again. I have no rational reason to distrust him at the present time. But then again I’m not rational all the time.
And honestly? I trusted him before; I never doubted he loved me. And then he betrayed me and told someone else he loved her, made wedding plans with her, and told me he didn’t know if he loved me or not. So, in the end, trust is really overrated.

Added in November 2015:  And now we all know how that turned out!  He did get depressed.  He did use his family as a front for visiting the whore and he did start things up with the whore again.

Editor’s Note:  Upon reading this I want to scream to my 2014 self, “Don’t do it!”  It’s like that moment in Jaws when Chrissy squeals, “Let’s go swimming!”  And well, because the title of the movie is Jaws and it’s about a giant man-eating shark, you know swimming in the ocean at night is not a good idea and the outcome is not going to be pleasant.  Sure enough- she got eaten by a shark.  And sure enough- I got duped!

I will admit that part of me believes we would still be married if I hadn’t agreed to the move.  I keep thinking that if, instead, I had thrown a fit and told him I was not going to move my kids and I didn’t want to move either that life would have continued on.  I keep thinking that most of what I wrote in these Blasts From the Past came about because I was stuck at home all day with nothing to do.  When I have nothing to do I obsess.  I wasn’t obsessing as much back home because I was busy; I had a life.  Out here, though, I had nothing.  I was left with decorating our house and getting new furniture.  A part of me keeps thinking that everything happened because Blockhead found my ramblings and shared them with CF which resulted in his downward spiral and his never ending pity party.  Ultimately, I know that the other FB page was no excuse for him doing what he did.  I continue to have those moments though where I wonder, “What if we never moved?”  I’ll never know.  Maybe it would have been the same outcome.  Maybe not.  Maybe he would have taken a job that required more travel and he would have been miserable and felt like I didn’t care; you know, because I was always only in it for the money.  Did you see that?  That was my eyes rolling so far back in my head I’m pretty sure I saw my past lives.  Or maybe he would have remained at his previous job or even been promoted there.  Maybe he would have eventually decided he was so miserable and all I cared about was the money that he belly ached to his enabling mommy and sister and best friend and they all told him to get out, that he deserved happiness, and that I was, of course, the devil that kept him down.  Maybe Tammy Faye would have encouraged Harley to call him while he was on the road and they would have taken up once again.  Using his big head instead of his little head doesn’t seem to be Cousinfucker’s strong suit so it’s possible he would have started up another affair with the whore.

The important part is I see him now.  I see his dysfunction and how our relationship was slowly killing me.  I see how selfish he was and how he made everything about himself (probably a hallmark of selfishness).  I see how I bent over backwards to please him and make everything perfect for him while he never really tried that hard for me.  So I guess you could say that moving ended up being a good thing, even if it did result in him fucking his cousin.

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3 thoughts on “The Beginning of the Worst Decision of My Life

    1. Knowing what I know now? No. Wow- that’s a mouthful. I am better off. I’ve described him as an emotional vampire and he is. But I still kinda wish I hadn’t moved. I think it would have been easier to get on with life where I was before even if family wouldn’t have been as close by.

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      1. oh I def agree the move thing was a def mind fuck – he really is such a pathetic excuse for a father – who talks their family into moving so they can be with their whore I mean it just boggles the mind that anyone could be so entitled and totally uncaring about their family

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