Why I Stayed The First Time

I was always one of those people that believed cheating was a deal breaker.  You cheat on me I’m done with you.  No explanations needed.  No excuses accepted.  I used to have a ball with that song by .38 Special- Second Chance.  It would come on the radio and I would exclaim, “I love this song!” and my best friend would look at me and say, “No, you don’t; you yell at it every time it comes on!”  That was true.  I did yell at it.  Well, honestly, it was more like I mocked the lead singer and his pitiful excuses for cheating on his beloved.  Alright, I really did yell a lot whenever this song came on.  I was so disgusted with it.  He cheated on his girlfriend and now he wants a do-over.  Incredible!  My younger self was having none of it.

Then I got married.  I had kids.  I got older.  I started reading a debate board.  One of the topics that came up quite frequently was infidelity.  Some of the people on that board talked about how infidelity wasn’t necessarily a deal breaker for them.  They would have to put that one indiscretion up against the totality of their entire relationship, some said.  Why throw away many good years for one mistake, they asked.

It all sounded so enlightened.  Oh yes, don’t throw away everything you’ve worked on because of one little mistake!  It’s just sex, right?

Excuse me while I puke.

I’m back.  Fast forward to 2013 when I found out my dearly beloved was sexting with Harley.  Oh, I didn’t know for certain that was what he was doing in the beginning.  Remember, I still believed I was married to a man who was honorable, loyal, and faithful.  I was still wearing those blinders and told myself he probably was feeling so guilty because he had begun to confide in her and he realized that he was going down the wrong path.  I immediately snapped to attention, took blame for my own actions which might have led him to stray, and then forgave without another thought.  Until things didn’t add up.  She was blocking me.  He wouldn’t answer questions.  He was threatening me with divorce if I didn’t let it go and agree to return to the “old way” of doing things.  Even then I didn’t realize he was still messing around with her.  I just began to realize that he had possibly done more than simply “confide” in her.  And then when The Saint contacted me, asking me if I had a good divorce attorney, I found my voice; I made my demands.  But still I stayed.  I wasn’t going to let one little mistake wash away the years we had together.  I was going to measure his indiscretion against our past.  Naturally, our marriage was worth fighting for; I wasn’t going to carelessly toss it away because of one little mistake.  No, I was enlightened now.  I was like those other women who realized something like adultery was no reason to trash your precious marriage.  I took to the heart the idea that an affair was not the disease; it was merely a symptom that something was wrong in the marriage.  I accepted that I played a part in his desire to seek out another woman (or whore as the case may be).  Tell me what I can do and we can fix this together and we’ll be stronger than ever!

Excuse me while I go puke again.

Oh that one took a little longer.  Here’s the thing, though.  Adultery isn’t one little mistake.  It’s not even simply a mistake.  It’s a series of bad choices.  Anything other than a one time one night stand requires countless lies.  By that I don’t mean that a ONS is no big deal.  I also don’t mean to imply there is no deceit surrounding it.  Of course if your spouse wants to cover his or her tracks there is going to be deception.  But a longer affair involves many lies and much deceit.  It’s not a one time thing.  It’s not a moment of weakness.  It’s not one bad decision.

I think the worst part of all of this has been all the lies.  It’s the realization that my husband could look me in the eye and tell me he is sending money to his mother every week to help her out with groceries to feed his niece and her boyfriend while in reality he’s sending money to his whore.  It’s me innocently asking why on earth he doesn’t just send a check and save on all those wire transfer fees and knowing the entire time he’s laughing at me and my naiveté; he is fucking me over and I don’t have a clue.  It’s him setting up the whole situation of him buying the whore and her kid new iPhones and paying their cell phone bill by telling me he’s doing it for his mom and stepdad.  I’ll never forget him nonchalantly mentioning that he was thinking about doing that for her as a birthday gift.  I blindly accepted it.  When the notification came in from the phone carrier that he had been approved I asked him if he had indeed gone ahead and got phones for his mom and Pastor Fake.  “Yes, I did,” was the response.  It was me questioning why on earth there was a charge on his bank card in Whore Town and him downplaying it as nothing; he had given his mom his card number and she hadn’t been in Whore Town.  Must have been a mix up.  He didn’t know why it said Whore Town.  Or when I saw yet another charge to the same store in Whore Town a few weeks later and me asking him if he bought his mom groceries.  “I always do,” he told me.  Yes, you always fuck a whore behind my back and lie to me when you’re down there, you sonofabitch.  Lies, lies, and more damn lies.  Not a single mistake was made.  No, many many deliberate deceitful choices were made to keep me in the dark and gaslight me.  How do you stack that up against your past history as a couple?  At that point he had pretty much thrown dynamite on our history.  Not that it mattered, of course, because he was going to get out.  He was going to leave me; he just needed to get everything into place so that I would be completely helpless and dependent on his good will.  Sucks to be you, Cousinfucker.

While I would love to blame all of this on that debate board I won’t.  I think the people over there made me think about infidelity in ways I wouldn’t have normally.  I definitely think it made it more likely I would think before I kicked him to the curb.  But honestly, we had been married for 18 years at that point.  I had been a stay at home wife and mom for most of that time.  I had 2 young kids, or at least younger- 11 and 13.  I was 1500 miles away from my family and had no idea how I was going to support myself, much less two kids.  I didn’t see much of a future for myself without him.  I had sacrificed for him to build his career.  I wasn’t willing to leave it all behind, especially if it was “only” texting/sexting.  And even more honestly, once I found out in August about his summer of deceit I was pissed!  I wasn’t going down without a fight.  I wasn’t going to willingly hand my life over to some crazy slut who would reap the benefits of all my cross country moves.

So I stayed.  In hindsight it was the worst choice I could have made; I should have kicked his ass out right then and there.  It’s right next to agreeing to move to our current state, as far as huge mistakes go. Those, my friends, are mistakes.  Huge, colossal mistakes!  Cheating is not a mistake.  It is a deliberate decision.

And now, for your pleasure, .38 Special’s, Second Chance, and my own personal rants that accompany the song.

Since you been gone

I feel my life slipping away

Maybe you should have thought about that before you cheated on me!

I look to the sky

And everything is turnin’ grey

Good!  I hope you burn in hell, motherfucker!

All I made was one mistake

Seriously?  You call having sex with someone else a mistake?

How much more will I have to pay

Forever.  You will pay forever.

Why can’t you think it over

I have and I have decided you’re an asshole.

Why can’t you forget about the past

Because you cheated on me, asshole!

When love makes this sound baby

A heart needs a second chance

Too bad, so sad.

Don’t put me down babe

Can’t you see I love you

Don’t care.

Since you’ve been gone I’ve been in a trance

Good.  I hope you die.

This heart needs a second chance

Don’t say it’s over I just can’t say goodbye

Again, you should have thought about that before cheating on me.

So this is love

Standing in the pouring rain

I fooled on you

But she never meant a thing

Great!  So you tossed me aside for nothing!  Wonderful!

And I know I ain’t got no right

To ask you to sympathize

I don’t.

But why can’t you think it over

I did and I decided you’re not worth it.

Why can’t you forget about the past

Why couldn’t you keep your dick in your pants?

When love makes this sound baby

A heart needs a second chance

No it doesn’t.

Don’t put me down baby

Can’t you see I love you

Then why did you fuck her?

Since you been gone I’ve been in a trance

I hope you die.  If you don’t die I hope you’re miserable forever.

This heart needs a second chance

Don’t say it’s over I just can’t say goodbye

I never loved her

I never needed her

Seems you made a really bad trade, then.

She was willing and that’s all there is to say

Nice to know you’ll stomp all over “our love” for some willing whore.

Don’t forsake me

Please don’t leave me now

Get the fuck away from me!

A heart needs a second chance

Yeahhhhhh you’ve been gone and I’ve been in a trance

Burn in hell, cheater!

This heart needs a second chance

I need a man who won’t cheat.

Don’t say it’s over I just can’t say goodbye

I can.  Goodbye.

Please forgive me and forget it

Not a chance.

I was wrong and I admit it

Yes you were.

Why can’t we talk it over

Why can’t we forget about, forget about the past

Never.  Not in a million years.  

You should have thought about all of that before your fucked her.

(A heart needs a second chance)

When love makes this sound baby

(A heart needs a second chance)

Don’t put me down babe

You’ve been gone I’ve been in a trance

Maybe you’ll get hit by a car.

This heart needs a second chance

Don’t say it’s over I just can’t say goodbye

Will it help if I tell you I hate you?

(A heart needs a second chance)

When love makes this sound babe

(A heart needs a second chance)

(A heart needs a second chance)

When love makes this sound baby

(A heart needs a second chance)

TOO DAMN BAD!!!

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6 thoughts on “Why I Stayed The First Time

  1. although I hate that you are where you are I think you made the right choice to fight for your marriage if only for the sake of your children and I agree throwing away such an investment over a mistake would have been hard to do but I think the key thing was the fact that HE didn’t really make the effort you were making? I think reconciliation is possible but only if there is complete transparency and effort on both sides not just one Now the move thing in hindsight was really fucked up but in a marriage that’s what you do you are a partnership and you do what is best for the family BUT unfortunately he didn’t make that decision based on that but on his own needs BUT you didn’t know that – I just hope the karma bus hits them both very soon because I can’t think of two more deserving people AND the in-laws – who encourages their son to leave his family AND BE WITH HIS COUSIN lmao jerry springer shit for sure – it sucks that your family was torn apart but I do believe you are better off out of that fucked up family

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    1. I’m sure I am better off without him. And you are correct about fighting for him initially. I can definitely say I did everything I possibly could.

      I meant to reply to you the other day about us moving. Although it will probably come back to bite me in the ass when I give him the benefit of the doubt I do want to say that I don’t believe he moved us here for the express purpose of getting together with her. I DO believe he set the wheels in motion the first time they were messing around together and then once it ended he couldn’t stop it. So in that respect, yes, she is the reason we moved, and I knew that. But he swore up and down he wanted to move for himself and for this job, that it was the culmination of all his experience and she was a non-factor. He’s told so many lies it’s hard to know what’s fact and what’s fiction but I would like to believe he didn’t move us here so that he could start up his affair with her again.

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