I believe I have told the story of how Cousinfucker went into Picasso’s room after returning from his weekend fuck fest. I had had the “privilege” of telling our kids their dad was in his home state with his girlfriend and we were going to be getting a divorce. Oh, fun times! Fun times!
Reminiscing aside he goes into this 13 year old boy’s room, crying, and tells him how he’s not going to deny he has a girlfriend but ever since having kids we have drifted apart. You know how they say kids blame themselves and you should reassure them that it’s not their fault? Romeo really hit it out of the park. He took the “It’s Completely Your Fault” approach. Yes, had we not had those pesky kids that demanded time and attention I could have sat in the bedroom with him and watched endless amounts of A&E crap and SportsCenter scores. I could have given him my full and undivided attention, all day every day. He also chose to utilize the “Your Mom Wasn’t Giving Me Enough Attention” and “We Drifted Apart and Our Marriage Wasn’t Ever Very Happy” excuses to justify having an affair to his teenage son and to try to turn him against me. Not gonna happen, Cousinfucker. #sorrynotsorry
So, I got to thinking about this whole “drifting apart” thing. I’ve concluded it’s a bunch of bullshit concocted by cheaters who want to excuse their boorish behavior I don’t know if they really believe the sound of their own lies or if they’re just hoping it sounds good enough to convince the masses. Regardless, I’m done with that excuse.
I’m also done with this idea that the affair is a symptom of what’s wrong in the marriage and not the actual disease. If that were true why aren’t both of the people cheating? Do the people who create this bullshit think it through? Do they really think one person in the marriage is miserable and ripe for an affair while the other person is so deliriously happy they are farting rainbows and glitter?
Don’t even get me started on “You need to own your part and how you contributed to the problems in your marriage.” I can sum that up quite nicely. My contribution was forgiving the sonofabitch. My contribution to the problems in the marriage was kissing his ass and putting up with his bullshit. I led him to believe his egregious behavior was acceptable when it wasn’t. That was my contribution.
I have concluded that pretty much everything I could take responsibility for leads back to him. Not enough sex? He kicked me out of our bed because he said he couldn’t deal with my snoring. That wasn’t my doing. He chose that. Being in close proximity leads to more sex. Chances were good that once I was banished to the couch I wasn’t going to get the kids ready for bed and then rush into the master bedroom to blow his mind and then return to the living room to watch NCIS. Not my fault he didn’t like the consequences of sleeping apart.
We could also add the fact he’s the one that insisted our daughter sleep with us. I tried to keep her out of the bed. He kept sneaking her back in. “She belongs here!” he would whine. OK, we’ll let her sleep with us. I voluntarily moved out of the bed when I was 7-8 months pregnant because I didn’t have enough room with him and a 2 year old in a queen size bed. Once Picasso was born CF couldn’t sleep with him in his little bassinet in our room so once again I was banished. Rock Star slept in the bed with CF and I slept on the daybed with the bassinet next to me so as not to disturb His Royal Highness. A few months after Picasso was born we discovered that Rock Star was sleeping through the night and not going to the bathroom. We bought her bunk beds and she was eager to sleep in them. She slept in them for two days and then on the third day, Friday, her dad asked her if she wanted to sleep with him. “I can’t go cold turkey. She’s slept with us for two years!” Sunday comes and she starts to get in bed with him and all of a sudden it’s, “Oh no! I can’t have her sleeping with me tonight. I need to get up in the morning for work and she’ll keep me up.” Do you think she returned to her brand new bunk beds? No, no she didn’t. I ended up sleeping with both kids for the next 4 years. Eventually he gave up the queen size bed and the master bedroom so the kids and I could sleep there and he moved to the downstairs bedroom. But go ahead and blame me for that whole “drifting apart” and “never having sex” thing. It was completely my fault. I should have laid down with the kids, got them to sleep and then rushed right in to have sex with him and then after it was all over I could leave him to sleep all by himself where no one would disturb him and I would return to our children who had become accustomed to sleeping with their mom. Like I said, completely my fault.
We drifted apart? Hmmmm…. could that have had anything to do with the fact that he closed himself off in the basement, watching TV and eating dinner while I was expected to corral the young children so he could do all of that in peace? Could it have anything to do with the fact that every time I would ask him if he wanted to join us he would decline? I’m having a hard time taking complete responsibility for us “drifting apart” when every time I tried to pull him into our orbit he steadfastly refused. He didn’t go with us when I visited family. Once we moved to our former state he refused to associate with anybody whom he didn’t know. Eventually it got to the point where he wouldn’t even socialize with co-workers. I attended family funerals alone. He resisted taking vacation time, saying it was twice as much work once he got back. For some bizarre reason once we moved to our former state he decided to pretty much live in our/his bedroom. There were a few times he ventured out, like when he got into playing a few games on the Wii, but if we didn’t immediately fawn all over him and the efforts he was making he would pout and once again retreat to the bedroom. He pulled the same crap once we moved here. He wouldn’t even sit on the enclosed porch or the couch in the living room. It was too stressful for him. He only felt “safe” in the bedroom. Again, totally my fault if you asked him. I didn’t love him enough. My love was not strong enough to coax him out of the bedroom and ease him into a porch swing.
Did I spend too much time with the kids? That’s a common complaint. Here’s the thing about that. One of us had to be the parent. He pretty much abdicated that role. If I acted the way he had acted we probably would have had our kids taken away from us due to neglect. Instead of being a team he chose to let me do all of the work. I did it without complaint most of the time because I figured that was simply the way we had decided to divide the household duties. He worked and made the money and I took care of the house and the kids so that he could concentrate on his career. Funny though how so many people manage to have a career and be a parent. It’s truly amazing. I don’t know how they do it. #sarcasm
He loved to use the ol’ “We’re nothing more than roommates,” excuse. That’s really weird because I distinctly remember telling him that since our kids were older and could be left alone for a few hours by themselves we should start having a date night. His response? Why would you want to do that with me? I don’t know, dude; I really don’t know. I guess that was my cue to beg him. Oh please please let’s spend some time together. Pretty please!
Any time I suggested counseling he was resistant to the idea and as I’ve recounted many times when he did go with me after being busted he didn’t really participate. He sat there, let me do all the talking and then got pissed.
He saw himself as nothing more than a wallet and a handyman and yet he never did anything about it. He didn’t spend a lot of time with our kids. He bought them stuff instead. I remember finally putting my foot down and telling the kids they would now get an allowance and once that was used up there would be no more toys because every time we went out he would let them pick something out.
Remember, too, that after my first D-Day, when I was “taking responsibility” for getting to this point he pointed out things he wished I would change and I did it. He told me I had stopped wearing make-up and that made him feel like I didn’t care about him anymore. So I made sure to always wear make-up, even if it meant applying it (or farding) right before he got home. I wore my hair up all the time- either in a ponytail, or a ponytail twisted up into a bun. Again, I’m sure that was proof I no longer loved him or gave a damn. But damn if I didn’t start wearing my hair down more often so he could view my long locks cascading over my shoulders. He wished I would text him more, like the whore did because it made him feel so in touch with her and he wanted that with me now. So I did even though I hated it. When I didn’t take the time to get manicures and pedicures it made him feel like I didn’t care- again! This one was a Catch-22, though, because even though I did it I’m sure he now uses that to demonstrate how I wontonly spent all his money! I want you to sleep in our bed again (and if you fall asleep on the couch that’s proof you don’t love me!). Watch me mow the lawn! Bring me a cool drink! Just touch me and look at me with love in your eyes all the time! I couldn’t have jumped any higher if I had a set of rocket boots!
The really sad part is he could be an extremely funny guy. The kids genuinely liked spending time with him. Some of my favorite memories are when we would all go out on Christmas Eve. We’d go bowling, sometimes catch a movie, and eat dinner out. Rock Star would comment how her friends all loved her dad and thought he was hilarious. When he would finally agree to go with us he was usually a lot of fun to be around. There were times I honestly believed he was more patient with the kids than I was. Of course, when you’re only dealing with them a few days out of the year you always seem more patient than the parent who is dealing with them day in and day out. He simply never bothered to show that side of himself very often.
Did we drift apart like he claims? Possibly, although I didn’t do it on my own; he contributed to that as well. Did we have an unhappy marriage for a long time? I will dispute that; we struggled for a while but we were happy until the last 6 months or so. Was he nothing more than a wallet and a paycheck? I certainly never looked at him that way; he put himself into that role and then complained.
Don’t worry about looking inward, Zack. I’m sure this new relationship with Harley is perfection. What could go wrong when you have two lying cheaters get together? No, don’t look at your own issues and your own contributions to the decline of our marriage; you go ahead and tell our kids that they are to blame. Hell, Harley has four of them so when that relationship falls apart maybe you can blame her kids next.