Why, oh why, do I keep getting run over by the damn karma bus? Yes, it does seem like karma is catching up with him (although it’s always difficult to tell for certain); however, I continue to be collateral damage. My children continue to be collateral damage.
I knew I shouldn’t have published my last post, betting my spousal support that CF wasn’t out crying in public with Harley the Harlot. Seriously- I debated and told myself not to do it. It’ll come back to bite you in the ass, I told myself. Because either he IS crying in public or he’s just a total douche because he texted me today (now yesterday) to tell me he had lost his job. He lost his job and no more money will be coming my way and waaaahhhh, I guess you’ll just have to put me in jail now. He’s always the victim. Not a single worry about me. Naturally. I am just the evil STBX wife. Not a single worry for his kids. Hey, Rock Star has got colleges messaging her about cheerleading for a potential cheer scholarship but let’s just eliminate that dream, too! For the cherry on top of this luscious shit sundae you can refuse to help pay for college as well! Keep fucking them over where scholarships are concerned, first gymnastics, now cheer, and then whine about how you don’t have the money to help pay for college because I take all of your money. Picasso was finally getting involved in school and found something else to make him happy. Let’s crush his new dreams, too! He is always finding another way to fuck us over.
Quick question though, Cousinfucker. Are you happy? Is your whore still making you smile every day? Are you happier now than you ever were with me? Was this all fucking worth it? I HOPE SO!
I wish I had more details for you but I don’t. I did contact my lawyer who called me immediately after receiving my email. She wanted to know if I thought he was suicidal. I certainly hope not. There’s no life insurance on the sonofabitch now that he’s lost his job! Plus, I don’t even have an address for him. I couldn’t get a welfare check on him if I wanted to. She encouraged me to call him, or his best friend or someone in his family. Nope. Not gonna happen. I kindly explained that Cousinfucker doesn’t answer the phone even when it’s his own damn kids so I knew full well he wouldn’t pick up if I called. I also told her that seeing as how all of those people actively encouraged him to leave me I didn’t really think they would be forthcoming with any details of his situation. Circle the wagons and all.
I have to say I am somewhat surprised by this. I originally thought that he and Blockhead working together would be a disaster. Then I learned that CF actually got hired in as the GM and figured that maybe this would work out a little bit better than I had anticipated. He got a promotion. He was working with his best friend. If he wasn’t living with the whore she was only two hours max away from him. He had no one to answer to on a daily basis. I was beginning to think the job situation could work out for quite some time. On one hand I was a little upset that things wouldn’t fall apart sooner. On the other hand, he’s paying me a lot of money each month so it’s in my best interests to have him employed.
What that all tells me is that he probably didn’t voluntarily quit. I mean, he had told me before he should have jumped at the chance to work with Blockhead instead of taking the job here. He told me it was a dream of his to work side by side with him. So, he’s got the dream and he’s got a promotion. Why quit? And you don’t typically hire someone in as your top guy, pay his moving expenses (I would love to see how much they paid out to him) and then let him go unless something spectacular has happened. I could have easily seen him eventually embezzling money to pay for Harley’s lifestyle; hell, I honestly kinda expected both of them to end up in prison at some point. But I doubt he’d start something like that so early on in his new job, and as much as I can’t stand the guy, he really doesn’t seem like the embezzling type. Then again, I never thought he was the cheating type.
Maybe it was drinking. Maybe it was too many absences in his first few months. He was hospitalized last month but I would think there is some kind of federal protection regarding that. Some thought that perhaps he had taken too much time off to spend with Harley. I doubt that; why take a day off when she’s not that far away? It couldn’t be performance based because he wasn’t there long enough!
On the advice of my lawyer I did contact him and try to pretend I cared about his predicament; I asked him if he was okay and if he had a support system. I asked him what had happened and what his plans were. I even asked if maybe he could go back to his old company. Hey, I saw the exit interview and he was piling shit so high an elephant couldn’t wade through without getting its back filthy. I also asked him if the insurance would be good through the end of the month because both kids had appointments. His only response was that the insurance should be good through the end of the month. So much for me being kind and concerned. Although let’s be honest. If I hadn’t acted concerned he would have cried and carried on because I didn’t care about him! Reality says he’ll probably spin that story anyway so what’s the difference?
My lawyer asked me if I thought it was merely a coincidence that this happened on the last day of school. Honestly, I doubt he even knows when the last day of school was.
I guess we’ll see how long Harley sticks around now that he’s unemployed. She did ditch her husband of approximately 18 years for someone who could bring in more money each month. It also would be interesting to see who is paying her and her daughter’s cell phone bill now. Do you think he’s going to continue to pay it or will he tell her she’s going to have to take over payments for a while? That will probably be a fun conversation.
I also got to thinking about the new job search. If they are still together that means he’s not going to want to take any old job. No, he will want to get something that is close to his true love so that definitely limits his options; plus, he was looking for approximately six months before he got this new job. This might be interesting. He never had to worry about that when he was married to me. Nope, stupid old me would just pack up and move wherever he told us we were going. OK, to be fair, he did always run it by me. But then again, I always said yes. He was the breadwinner and we followed him and the job. Harley won’t and can’t do that. First, I believe she’s extremely selfish and would never leave her home state. Second, she’s got kids with another man and that man is an actual father to his children; The Saint will never let her leave the state with his kids. According to him, Harley isn’t even planning on leaving Whore Town. I suppose that could change. She could always choose to leave her kids behind.
I also thought about how perhaps he could go back to his old company. If he wanted to wait until an opening came up in a plant close to Harley they could place him in another division that travels and assesses problems with all the plants. He would be on the road every week, but in the end I think that would work out in his favor. They could still have their weekends only true love; she could fuck around on him during the week whenever she got horny or lonely and he’d probably never know. Plus, he wouldn’t ever have to shoulder the burden of every day life. Maybe she will get to experience doing everything by herself during the week and then having him come home on the weekends and demand to be entertained. She can cook him a home cooked meal; she can do his laundry. When he whines about her reading the newspaper because, “This is family time!” she can sit by his slippers like the adoring whore she is. She’ll still have it better than me. I did all that plus dealt with a high needs infant.
Now it’s looking like once again I will be moving back to my home state before my daughter manages to graduate from high school. Everyone says she will do great. I don’t have high expectations. She’s into cheer and gymnastics. She will have missed cheerleading tryouts for starters, so no cheering her junior year. Secondly, they don’t have competition cheer in the high schools there. No, I would have to pay for it and that’s expensive and since it’s looking more and more like I’m going to be living out the rest of my miserable life as a pauper there will be no extracurriculars for my kids. Nothing that I have to pay for anyway. Then there’s the little matter of none of those schools having a gymnastics team. Boom! Just like that, she’s done.
Her father takes away competitive gymnastics and any chance of a scholarship so she adjusts. She ends up participating on her high school team and is named co-captain for next year. Her father fucks that up as well. Maybe we shouldn’t even try to have anything because every time we make adjustments he comes along and knocks those down. I think it’s his fucking hobby.
Finally, because all she’s ever done is gymnastics she wouldn’t ever make any other kind of team. She wouldn’t be good enough to play volleyball, soccer, or softball. Those teams these days are populated by the kids that have been playing since they were 5. OK, maybe 8. She’s not interested anyway.
It’s looking more and more like I’m going to be ripping my kids’ lives apart once again and my daughter is going to go to school and do nothing. I don’t see her getting involved for the reasons I outlined above. I will lay 60-40 odds that she will end up heartbroken and miserable in her new location. But hey, at least her father is getting his dick sucked. We can all rejoice over that fact. Really, nothing else matters.
Best of all she gets to spend her final two years of high school with people she doesn’t know. If she chooses to ever attend a class reunion it will be with people she knew for a mere two years; meanwhile, the people she would love to catch up with will be holding their reunion 600 miles away and she won’t be invited because she’s not a part of their class.
Look, I know high school shouldn’t be the pinnacle of your life. But I’ll tell you this. My best friends are my friends from high school. I can’t think of a single college friend that I’ve spent any time with since graduating. I have a few of them on my Facebook friends list but aside from one outing with someone who was in the same service fraternity as me right after graduation I haven’t actually seen any of them again. I did come close this spring but alas, it didn’t work out. My daughter loves her friends here. She’s popular and she’s active at her school. I tried telling her she thought this move was going to be a disaster and look how well it worked out but she turned the tables on me and asked me how often I thought that would happen. Lightening won’t strike twice, in her opinion. I envision a once popular, active teenage girl who now sits on the sidelines and does nothing. Wow- that’s going to be great for college applications! Thank God she only wants to go to a state school.
I’m not quite as worried about Picasso, although I hate he’s going to miss out on being in the marching band next year; I’m pretty sure they don’t allow 8th graders to participate in the high school marching band where we’re going. I don’t worry as much about him mainly because he won’t start high school until 2017. I’m hopeful he will be able to join marching band, if he still wants to, when he enters high school. Plus, he has repeatedly said he doesn’t mind moving so he is not going to be nearly as devastated as my poor Rock Star.
Then we have the fact that my brother constantly complains about how shitty the schools are in that town. As you can imagine I’m really excited about taking my kids out of a really good school system, one where people regularly say, “They go there? That’s good. That’s a really good school,” and putting them into a really shitty school system. Obviously, private school would be out of the question. But again, as long as their dad is happy what do I have to complain about, right?
As for me, well, I am ecstatic over the idea that I’m 47 years old and I’ll be moving in with my mother with nothing more than the clothes I own. Yep, 47 years old and I have nothing. I will be leaving pretty much every possession of mine behind, getting rid of everything. Don’t get me wrong. I am very thankful I have somewhere to go and won’t be forced to live in someone’s garage. I truly am. But I put up with a lot of shit from CF so that I could keep my family together and so that my kids could have a life I didn’t get when I was younger. I wanted them to be able to wear name brand clothing. I wanted them to be able to have the extras. I wanted to be able to take them to the movies and buy them popcorn and drinks. I didn’t want them to have to work. I wanted to be able to get them nice cars and pay for college (my mom did pay for college). I wanted them to be able to participate in extracurriculars and not have to worry about the cost or choosing between that and working. I wanted them to have every advantage. Turns out it was all for nothing. If I’d left the sonofabitch ten years ago maybe I would have had a chance. The kids and I wouldn’t have become accustomed to having nice things. I firmly believe it would have been a lot easier to adjust their lifestyle if this had happened when they were 6 and 4, instead of them living the life of Riley until their teens. Going from having whatever you need and most of what you want to possibly not even getting something you need is quite the contrast. I’m dealing with a teenage girl who is used to being able to go shopping every time she turns around. A child that has been told for several years that she will get a car for her 16th birthday. A child that was told not to worry about college because we would pay for it. And now that’s all up in smoke and she’s having a really tough time adjusting. She still clings to, “But he promised,” and while I never say this I do think it in my head almost every time, “Yes, but he’s a liar.” And for me, starting over before I turned 40 might have actually led to a career. Now I’m left wondering who the hell is going to want to hire someone nearing 50 and who has been out of the workforce for 17 years. It’s not like I have a lot of time to build up a career. Good news, though, my mom tells me the car wash is hiring for $12/hour- way above minimum wage! So there’s always that.
Honestly, I have been feeling a little overwhelmed lately. I had a plan and I tried to focus day by day instead of looking at the big picture. I had decided that even if I didn’t file for a settlement date I would still start looking for a job right before Rock Star got her license. I would (hopefully) get a job and if it paid anywhere between $1500 and $2000 per month we would be okay. With Rock Star driving and me working I could buy her a car and she could help out with all the transportation. I had a fucking plan. But still I would get those moments where panic would bubble up inside of me. What if I can’t get a job? What happens if the A/C goes out? How am I going to get the backyard looking good again? Am I going to be able to fix the toilets? Can I hire someone to replace the screen door on the enclosed porch? Home ownership is never dull! What’s going to happen at Christmas? How will I pay my taxes? All these questions festering and worrying me. I’m tired. I’m tired of being the only damn adult around while he runs off to play with a whore and leaves everything in the dust without a second backwards glance. I’m tired of crying and wondering what’s going to happen to me and my kids while he’s out pursuing his “no, this time I mean it for real” dream job with his best buddy several states away from us- with their offices side by side and them going out to lunch together every day. Until he loses his job, of course. I’m tired of fighting to try to keep things normal for my kids but at the same time I desperately don’t want to let them down either.
I know this is going to crush my daughter. She may end up with a fantastic new life yet again, and she may not. She may become sullen and withdrawn and end up dancing on a pole. At least she can’t do that until she’s 18 so I’ve got 2 more years before I need to worry about that. Hell, maybe she’ll start taking drugs and end up a pregnant teen because she has nothing to look forward to and she’s no longer active in school; I kept my kids busy for a reason. Let’s hope for the best, right? Kids are so fucking resilient, right? Crush their dreams and they’ll just build new ones! Turn around and crush those and they’ll build even more. You can keep crushing them and crushing them and those kids will just continue to keep building them, not letting a little thing like total destruction stop them. Here’s another question- why do I have to be the one to tell them? Why do I get to deliver the death blow? Why is it I am the one who has to listen to the crying and wipe away the tears while their asshole father who has caused all of this is balls deep in a whore and has not a care in the world? He doesn’t deal with the fallout. He’s hundreds of miles away. I’m sure he’s getting his own little head patted by everyone around him and the focus is completely on him and how he’s feeling. Once again, fuck those kids that everyone claims to love sooooo much!
It’s been approximately a year since he took up with Harley once again. He lied and deceived all summer long, handing over huge amounts of money to her while telling me it was for his mommy. If he truly has no money in his account then he has blown through tens of thousands of dollars on her and her kids. His American Express bill, the ONLY bill he had, was regularly paid late, at least through February which is when I saw the last bill. He has quit his job with a company that he worked for for over 15 years, a company that valued him and had a big plans for him (at least according to him- but he’s a liar so who knows anymore?). He moved out of state to be closer to the whore and to work with Blockhead. He’s been hospitalized with pneumonia. He’s had two car accidents since August. And now he’s lost his job. He apparently doesn’t realize that arrears are beginning to accrue; you don’t simply say, “I lost my job; now I don’t owe you anything.” The mortgage and pool loan will no longer be paid so his credit is going to go straight into the toilet. Naturally, this will be all my fault. I’m fairly certain that if you end up with your house in foreclosure and you’ve taken out a VA loan you won’t be eligible for another one ever. So he’s got that going for him as well. He still hasn’t seen the final divorce settlement either. That should be interesting. I have no idea if a judge will hand him his ass or take pity on him. I keep thinking he will try to use PTSD issues or possibly even alcohol issues to try to weasel out of paying. He should have to pay me arrears for all the time he spent living in this house and not paying me what he should have. He should also have to pay back 50% of everything he’s spent on Harley and her kids. I’m calling the insurance company and getting our insurance unlinked. I’ve been paying his ever since D-Day. Now he’s going to have an insurance bill to pay. I don’t really see things getting better for him anytime soon. Even if I get totally screwed over in the divorce settlement because of this latest stunt he’s still going to have credit problems and money problems. I know a lot of people say he doesn’t care but I bet Harley does. She’s tired of going to jail for writing bad checks. She was looking for a sugar daddy so that she could have all the nice things she wanted but couldn’t afford and didn’t end up arrested. I’m probably giving him too much credit but I believed that having her in his life would be a big reason for him to continue working and making good money. He may tell people she makes her own money and she gets child support herself but I think he realizes deep down that his only offering, especially to her, is his money. No money = no Harley. Either I was wrong about her gold digging ways or I was wrong about him wanting to continue to impress her and her kids. Or hell, maybe he figured he’s working and making big bucks but he has to send it all to me instead of spending it on the whore so why not just quit? He now has a cell phone bill of his own to pay (it was paid for him with his old company) and he either needs to figure out how to pay for the whore’s cell phone bill or he has to tell her he can’t pay it any longer. I’m sure he also has a very large hospital bill because of switching over to an HSA. And while it sucks that the kids and I have no insurance after this month we are relatively healthy. He takes at least 3 prescription drugs every month. That’s going to get costly quick. So yes, I would say the karma bus has paid him at least a quick visit. He is imploding like crazy and it’s only going to get worse. I wish I could ask everyone who encouraged him to leave me if he seems happier now. I wonder if they’ll all pitch in to help him with his many bills. Gosh, that would be horrible if they abandoned him in his time of need. I wish I could ask them, the same as I would ask him, “Was it worth it? Was I so awful that it was worth destroying everything in his life to get away from me?” I also wish the karma bus would stop taking me out with him!
I know today is not a good a day. I know I’m wallowing in self-pity and only looking at the glass as half empty. I will undoubtedly get over it, as I always do. Again, why am I always the one who needs to get over it? Why not him? Oh yes, he’s an asshole. I think the hardest part is letting go. When you realize that everything has spiraled out of control and there’s nothing you can do to stop it it gets easier. I’m not there yet. I still want to fight it. I still want to make everything ok for my kids. My sweet Picasso was just at a pool party; he’s finally developing a new set of friends and I don’t want him to have to start all over. I don’t want him sitting alone in a house, watching videos or playing on his phone all day because he’s lonely and there’s no one his age close by. I still want to let Rock Star graduate from her current school and I don’t want to take her away from yet another set of friends. More than likely that is not the direction we will be taking. I can’t depend on her dad and there’s no way I can stay here without his money. Maybe getting rid of all my material possessions will be good, freeing. Maybe both of my kids will make new friends and have a new amazing life in my hometown. Maybe living with my mom, who is used to living on her own and not used to having two noisy teens around 24/7, will work out just fine. Maybe I will get an amazing job that pays well and that I actually like. Maybe my kids will enjoy the simpler life with no frills. Maybe moving back to my home state with my kids will be the best thing to ever happen to any of us. I can dream, right?