Unnumbered and Multiple Blasts From the Past

I believe I have shared already the purpose behind these Blasts From the Past.  #1 they’re great filler for when I’m not in the mood to write.  #2, and this is really the driving force, is my need to be totally honest about everything that precipitated CF’s physical affair with Harley and subsequent decision to leave us.  I don’t want to portray myself as a completely innocent person who never had a bad thought. Yet, honestly I don’t see any of this stuff that I wrote previously as being so horrible.  I look at it as the normal ramblings of a person who was betrayed and then asked to move across the country, closer to the whore.  I have second guessed myself so many times because of this.  There is still that thought that if he had never discovered this we would still be married.  My life would still be the same.  My kids wouldn’t have to recreate themselves yet again.  So I put this out here in the hopes that people, unbiased people, will chime in and tell me, “Sam, dude was crazy, narcissistic, entitled, self-important…. You didn’t drive him crazy.  You didn’t cause this downward spiral he was determined to be on.”

My mother herself said this to me just the other day.  She said reading through that she didn’t see anything that would lead to him being devastated and losing his mind.  There was nothing about me constantly saying I was going to leave him or that I hated him.  Sure, I said I didn’t necessarily trust him and I didn’t like being made to jump through hoops when he was the one that fucked up, but there was nothing terrible in all of this.  So, I went back through the beginning and decided to offer up a few more ramblings.  I want to be thorough.  I will be printing almost all of my previous entries.  What isn’t being printed right now are pictures of her and the various memes that either meant something to me, or that she liked and would put up on her FB page.  I’m letting everything else hang out.  Time to blast off to the past!

November 2013

Everyone is doing this ridiculous 30 days of thanks. I guess I should come up with 5 things. Let’s see….

1. I’m thankful for the whore that messed around with my husband because it made him realize he really did love me. Thanks, Harley Buttwipe Whoreface!

2. I’m thankful that I have been blessed with seeing my in-laws’ true colors. Whores before wives!

3. I’m thankful I have the ability to protect my kids from fake relatives.

4. I’m thankful that I have dogs because dogs seem to be more loyal than people these days. Or maybe it’s always been that way.

5. I’m thankful this is #5 and I don’t have to come up with another bullshit item I’m grateful for.

November 2013 

What do you call a married woman who sends a married man (not her husband) naked pictures of herself? Harley! (My husband’s whore will also work as an answer.)

November 2013

Today I discovered something I truly am thankful for. I’m thankful I don’t have to make it through any major holidays thinking about them being “together”. Mother’s Day and Father’s Day may be shot (we’ll see) but I don’t have to look back and think, “They were together at this time last year.” There are many affairs that go on for months and years so I’m thankful my husband lost his mind for only a few short months so I don’t have to force myself to get through holiday after holiday, knowing it’s tainted by his whore.

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Added December 2013: Yeah, I’m pretty sure those holidays are shot for me. I will, however, be getting a gift every August 14th and maybe even every October 23rd. Haven’t decide yet if I’m going to make him buy it for me or if I’ll just pick something nice and expensive up for myself.

December 2013

One thing I hear often is that the husband gets off easy while the OW is vilified. I’ve been giving that some thought, wondering if my husband has been punished, too. I think he has. He was in complete anguish the first few days, not knowing if I would come home or not. He said he was fully prepared to get in the car and drive 1500 miles to bring me back home. When I have a bad day he worries still that I will leave him or kick him out. He knows that because of what he did his children and I will never again be around his family. For the rest of his life, if he chooses to remain married to me, he will need to live two separate lives- the one he shares with us, and the one he shares with his family of origin. He has shown remorse for what he has done. He lives with a certain amount of fear that I will never forget, never let him forget, what he did. She’s not remorseful. She doesn’t give a damn about the pain and humiliation she inflicted. If he had left us she would be happily planning her wedding now, never looking back. He looks back on what he did and calls it temporary insanity, says he should have bought a motorcycle instead. So no, he’s not getting off easy. I’m getting a Galaxy tablet, a 2 1/2 carat diamond, and maybe even a nice expensive purse out of his indiscretion. He’s definitely paying- both monetarily and emotionally. Nothing I call her, nothing I do in regards to her, will ever come close to what I’ve done to him without even trying.

Editor’s Note:  I got 2 out of 3- no new diamond for me.  Rats!  But rumor has it he bought one for her.

December 2013

Oh, this is so ironic. And bold. She’s pretty much telling all of her friends and family about her affair.

A friend posted this poem this morning, thank you

“how far have you walked for men who’ve never held your feet in their laps?
how often have you bartered with bone, only to sell yourself short?
why do you find the unavailable so alluring?
where did it begin? what went wrong? and who made you feel so worthless?
if they wanted you, wouldn’t they have chosen you?
all this time, you were begging for love silently, thinking they couldn’t hear you, but they smelt it on you, you must have known that they could taste the desperate on your skin?
and what about the others that would do anything for you, why did you make them love you until you could not stand it?
how are you both of these women, both flighty and needful?
where did you learn this, to want what does not want you?
where did you learn this, to leave those that want to stay?”

― Warsan Shire

Editor’s Note:  This is four months after CF supposedly ended things with her.  Four months later and she’s still pining for him. But it’s fine that CF’s family are up her ass constantly.  It’s fine that she’s up their asses constantly, too.  I just needed to let go of the past and focus on the future.

December 2013

I find it funny that only four months ago my husband was her soul mate, her true love whom she wished to marry and start a new life with, and now she can’t sing her own husband’s praises enough. Oh look at this, husband! Oh husband, I want that! Oh he takes such great care of me. Yada, yada, yada. Sounds like someone is trying just a bit too hard to convince everyone she has this perfect marriage.

December 2013

My mother-in-law has joined Facebook. She sent a request to me and my daughter. I waited before confirming. When I went to check back later I saw she was friends with the whore. Guess I won’t be accepting that friend request. And neither will my kid.

Who does that? Honestly. Do you really think it’s appropriate to be friends with your granddaughter, your son’s wife, and your son’s whore? SMH

December 2013

These past few days have been hard. I think our anniversary has triggered something. Some days I feel like we really are better than we have been in years, but then that feeling makes me so angry. I remember saying to him, after he told me I knew he hadn’t been happy in a very long time, “So you thought going outside of the marriage was going to make it better?” And yet time and time again you hear that said. Our marriage is better than ever. It just pisses me off lately. I feel pathetic and weak. Who in their right mind stays after being betrayed? Who brags about how much better their marriage is after her husband’s betrayal? It seems wrong and I just want to scream. I envision people in his family commenting on how happy we seem and I see myself replying sarcastically, “Oh yeah, I tell all my friends now if their marriage is in a rut their husband should go off and have an affair. Does a marriage a world of good!”

Today was the first time since I learned they had told each other they loved one another that I felt like maybe I couldn’t do this afterall. I’ve watched as she interacts with family members on FB. This most recent one has no idea, but it was the realization that for everyone she’s still this beloved family member. They don’t care what she did. She’s their beloved Harley and they don’t care that she spent the summer having an affair with my husband. They don’t care that she sent him naked pictures all summer long. They don’t care my husband left our house every morning and immediately texted her good morning and then proceeded to talk on the phone with her every day on his (their) drive to work. That he would leave early on the weekends to “get coffee”, which was really just an excuse to escape the house so he could talk to her. They don’t care that I confronted him in June about a week after our daughter’s birthday because the whore had blocked me. He lied. He lied through his teeth and said he had no idea why, that he hadn’t contacted her, that they had had no plans to meet up. Lies! And even after he told me he didn’t know if he loved me anymore, because he was so engulfed in their “love” and all of her sexual overtures, I still said I wasn’t giving up; I thought we could be better than ever. And so he spent the next two and a half months perpetuating the lies and humiliating me. Texting her every morning, calling her every morning, texting and sexting all day long while at work. And then coming home and letting me throw myself at him. Letting me drag my ass out into the hot garage, listening to rap music, all just to be closer to him, to reinvest in us. Letting me try to please him and show him I loved him and believed in us. And then the next morning he was texting the whore. Good morning. I’ve escaped from the clutches of my horrible wife. I’m yours for the rest of the day. And she would tell him how much she wanted to suck his dick, how much she wanted him to fuck her, how she didn’t really care for anal sex but if he wanted it she would give up her ass to him. And of course how much she loved him and wanted a future with him.

I remember sending him naughty pictures. She was, too. I remember shyly modeling sexy lingerie for him. That was the weekend he got back from the wedding. The weekend he planned on taking her with him to get his tattoo. The weekend he was going to introduce his nephew to his future wife and have him tattoo a sparrow on her foot to symbolize their love.

I have all of this to contend with and still she remains their beloved Harley. They won’t disengage. They won’t unfriend her. She remains in their lives, commenting, making her presence known. And now I have to decide if I can live the rest of my life with that.

Do I leave this man with whom I have spent the last 19 1/2 years? Do I destroy my children’s lives, turn them upside down, tear them away from everything they’ve ever known? Am I biting off my nose to spite my face? I honestly don’t know if I can live with her shadow in my life always, everywhere. I’m going to wait out the holidays and see how I feel after Christmas.

Editor’s Note:  This was the first time I ever made mention of possibly not being able to remain married.  I only said it one other time, a year later, after I realized he was throwing me under the bus to the Jezebel.  Every time it happened it would happen around our anniversary.  I’m not going to apologize for that.  Our anniversary was always a tough time.

December 2013

Pissing myself I’m laughing so hard. She talks about her son’s reaction to The Nutcracker and how he was disgusted by their short skirts. Someone chimes in that his comments were due to the value system he had been taught. Are you kidding me? His mother is a whore who fucks around with married men! She was willing to rip her kids’ lives apart for the fantasy life she had created with another woman’s husband. Value system my ass.

December 2013

I just received a phone call from my mother-in-law. Received as in she called but I didn’t answer. She left a message and told me she wanted to talk to me for a few minutes. I texted the husband and asked why she had called. To reconnect apparently. Isn’t that sweet? Why don’t you go reconnect with Harley? Oh wait, that’s right. You’ve been doing that all along.

He told me I didn’t have to talk to her and he’d tell her to stop calling. But I envision what I would say. I wouldn’t call, of course. I’d text so I could save it for posterity.

Should I do short and sweet? There is no need for us to talk. I refuse to have anything to do with anyone who continues to associate with my husband’s whore. You friended her on Facebook, you fawn over her and tell her how pretty she is, you continue to associate with her knowing she was the whore that carried on an affair with your son all summer long. You continue to treat her like she has done nothing wrong instead of like the whore who almost destroyed your grandchildren’s lives. We have nothing to say to one another.

Or do I go with the longer version where I discuss the naked pictures and all the sexting and lies, the sparrow tattoo, and the fact that they were claiming to be in love with one another and planning a future, with my husband going so far as to tell his nephew he was going to marry the whore?

Decisions, decisions.

December 2013

Final post of the day. I said I would wait until the holidays were over before I made any decisions since our anniversary was definitely bringing up bad vibes. Holidays aren’t completely over; we still have New Years to get through. But I am feeling much better. I once again think we can make it through. We are eying a possible move, a move that six months ago I was dead set against. Who the hell moves closer to her husband’s whore? This new state isn’t as friendly to mothers as my current state is but it is pro mom. I’m taking a leap of faith here and if I get burned I fully intend to use the nuclear option. Hopefully that won’t be necessary. So hooray, divorce has been squelched once again. Can’t promise it won’t change again but for now we’re doing Ok.

December 2013

Great! We share the same anniversary month. Yesterday she celebrated 16 years with him. I wonder if the anniversary brought up bad feelings for him, too. I notice he didn’t reply on FB. Is she happy? Does she mourn the loss of her “soul mate”? Was it a happy celebration, or did they just go through the motions? Honestly, I don’t care. I don’t care if she’s happy. I don’t care if she’s sad. I wish it would all go away.
Added January 2014: And then she shares the day of the month of her anniversary with my birthday. Well aren’t we just cosmic twins? No wonder she felt so entitled to my husband.

December 2013

New Year’s Eve. Last day of 2013. I sure hope 2014 is better. Or at least whore free. And hey, maybe I’ll be able to put this all behind me and forgive and forget. I’ll renew relationships with my traitorous in-laws. I’ll be completely healed and never give the whore another minute of thought. Wow- I am really putting a lot of pressure on the new year.

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5 thoughts on “Unnumbered and Multiple Blasts From the Past

  1. Incredible looking back at your old writings and reading all your ups and downs. And people wonder why this process makes you crazy? It’s enough to give anyone a serious disorder. The back and forth, the uncertainty, the lies, the lack of support… awful. So even if the now is tough, I still think going through the lies and unknown is worse. As hard as “now” is, it’s still better than being under his control.

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    1. So true, Divorce With Me. The funny thing is these old writings have only covered the first four or five months after I discovered he was still in contact with her the first time. But you are right. It’s that constant questioning and not being supported, being made to feel as though you’re being childish because something isn’t acceptable to you. He’s doing his best to make my life a living hell right now but I’m going to come out on top in the end.

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