A New Adventure Begins

The title sounds catchy, doesn’t it?  Like I’m all rose colored glasses and silver linings and things are all going to work themselves out, huh? I’m doing my best.

It’s 11:30 pm as I write this. We’ve been in our new home for about 3 1/2 hours. The kids’ beds are put together and I just checked on both of them to say goodnight. They seem to be okay. I’m enjoying an Angry Orchard hard cider. It’s the first alcoholic drink I’ve had in weeks; I figure after the last 2 weeks I deserve it.  Hell, after the last 2 years I’ve had I deserve it! Soon I’ll be hopping in the shower to wash away today’s grime and then going to bed. We won’t be getting up quite as early as we have been but everyone will be showing up here around 9 in the morning to finish unloading. I’ll have my brother, sister-in-law, 2 nephews, 2 nieces, and a boyfriend of one of the nieces, plus my kids, my mom and myself.

How did today go, you may be asking? It went as well as can be expected. I almost broke down in tears as I drove out of our neighborhood for the last time. The contrast between where I left and where I came to is immense. I lived on a quiet little street in a huge subdivision. Sometimes you could hear the cows mooing or children playing. Now we are on an extremely busy street with cars whizzing by on a regular basis. My old residence was set amidst green rolling hills. Our new residence is flat and not very interesting.  Perhaps that’s due to growing up here. It’s nothing new.

The check engine light went on in the UHaul before we even left town. My brother was driving though so it was his headache and honestly, he didn’t seem too concerned.

We got caught in rainstorms repeatedly.  Like, slow down to 50, barely can see 6 inches in front of your face (maybe going 50 was a bad idea), put on your hazards, rainstorms.

Ultimately though we made it. I’m hoping that in another 6 months I can look back on my life and finally say I have a new beginning. I hope things work out well here.  I hope that my kids fit in at school and make new friends and really love it here. I hope I find a job soon, preferably one that pays decently. Hell, I hope CF finally gets his shit together and starts paying support again. I hope I gain a fabulous new life.

The End of This Chapter

Hello! I have been so busy these past few days I haven’t even had time to put together old writings for you to read on a regular basis! I guess the bright side is I’ve been so busy I haven’t had time to cry or reflect on my upcoming move, which will commence in about 8 hours.

I made the mistake on Thursday of trying to a. hold another yard sale, b. sell furniture through a Facebook posting, c. try to finish up all of our packing, d. pick up my U-Haul, and e. drive to DC to pick up my brother from the airport. Oh boy!

Up again around 5:45 to take a shower which was pointless seeing as how the sweat was dripping down my back within an hour. We pulled everything outside and within about an hour I needed to leave to go pick up the U-Haul. Good news- it wasn’t nearly as challenging to drive as I was afraid it would be. I actually kinda liked it.

I had placed an ad for my furniture on Facebook on Wednesday. It ended up working out very well for me. I had 2 people come over the first night and on Thursday I continued to field questions and let people in to pick up furniture.

I had no idea how much stuff I still had! I kept thinking it wouldn’t be difficult to pack up.  I figured I would have a handful of boxes. Oh no! Even after clearing so much out I still pretty much filled a 20’ truck. My brother was freaking out earlier in the day today, thinking we were at the half way point and couldn’t get much more in.  Turns out he was wrong and we managed to get a lot more in there! Hooray!

My final task for Thursday was to pick my brother up at the airport. We left around 2 to retrieve him at 4. Halfway there my mom gets a text from him telling her that he is still sitting on the tarmac.  Thunderstorms and lightening are delaying takeoff. We decided to stop and eat dinner to kill some time because at this point he was probably an hour behind schedule. On our way to the airport after dinner she checks his flight status and finds out he won’t be getting in until 5:41. So now we’re an hour and 40 minutes behind and we still have packing to do. Then, he landed but there was no gate for them. He sat on the tarmac for an hour! We were finally on the road by 7, which should have been when we got home originally.

In the meantime, my poor daughter was having to deal with people coming to the house to buy more furniture. Oh, and did I mention the heavy rain we encountered both going to pick him up and on the drive back home? Yes, that happened.

Once we finally got home he wanted to take the kids’ beds apart so he didn’t have to worry about it today while we were loading. I think I finally got to bed around 1:30.

Then I was up around 6:20 today. We’ve been hitting up Walmart for extra boxes and apparently they will hold boxes for you overnight but you need to pick them by 7 am or they go to the baler. I picked some up on Thursday morning and again on Friday. After that I spent most of the day packing and loading. It was so hot and humid.  I swear I’ve lost 5 pounds just by sweating. I have been a stinky, sweaty, hot mess for the last few days!

I am exhausted and need to get up early again tomorrow. I need to load up my car with the suitcases and odds and ends.  I’m taking my daughter and 3 dogs with me so I need to make my backseat comfy for the big dogs while also jamming stuff in there to take as much as possible with me. I will leave you with this one last thought tonight and I promise I will write more later.

Shortly after we moved in our neighbors came over to welcome us. One of the things they told us was that the reason our neighborhood doesn’t have street lights is so that we can enjoy the stars. Tonight, as I was running things out to my car I took a moment to look up into the sky. It was filled with stars, bright beautiful stars. I don’t know that our first night here was a starry night; I do know, however, that every time I look up into the sky and I see the stars I think of my neighbors, my unique neighborhood, and our short-lived life out here. It seemed fitting that the stars were out in full force on our last night here.

When Your In-Laws Support the Whore Instead of You

Blast From the Past 32

April 2014

I think I’ve finally put my finger on it. Throughout this entire ordeal no one in his family has reached out to me. No one called or emailed or wrote or texted and said: I’m sorry he did this. I still love you, no matter what; you’ll always be family regardless of Zack’s decisions. I’m hoping the two of you can work through this. I’m rooting for you two. No, no one reached out to me but everyone reached out to Harley. They couldn’t fawn over her enough. They may as well have written: Don’t worry, Harley; we still love you no matter what. We don’t care you had an affair with Zack. We still think you’re fantastic. We’re hoping he comes to his senses and realizes how wonderful you are and how much he loves you, and that he finally decides to divorce his awful wife.

It’s like Zack is their first priority, Harley is their second, and I’m a very distant third, if I even rate that high.

Jezebel says she’s sorry I got hurt and she’s sorry for her part in all of this. It was only two and a half months later, and after I contacted her to let her know she should probably check on her beloved brother. This was right after I found out about the tattoo and his plans to marry Harley. She’s only sorry because she backed the wrong woman. I’m sure she thought he would leave me so supporting his affair with his skank ass whore was the safer bet. If he had gone through with his hair brained scheme she wouldn’t feel sorry for me at all, she wouldn’t feel bad about her part in this, and she sure as hell wouldn’t be worried about whether or not I was hurt. I wouldn’t be a blip on her radar. But, since he got cold feet she regrets it all. Couldn’t tell me that until I contacted her, but she’s terribly sorry nonetheless.

Every time he goes back home he’s surrounded by people who support him, and who support his whore as well. They all seem very concerned about her well being, but don’t give a shit about mine. And you know what? That’s fine, but don’t then turn around and act like you don’t have a fucking clue as to why we no longer have a relationship.

Let Me Be Your Tour Guide

Yesterday I was off to DC again. My mom and nephew came out to help with the yard sale and move and my mom really wanted to visit DC again before I moved.

Naturally, it was the hottest day of the year. Thankfully, we spent the majority of our time in museums yesterday so we didn’t have to combat the heat.

We began by taking the Metro into the city. I refuse to try to drive through DC. Every time I go there and walk around the streets and traffic look maddening. I know myself well enough to know I would be hopelessly lost in road rage and so frustrated by the time I found a parking spot that I would never enjoy the rest of my day. Plus, I figured this would be an experience for our guests.

Was it ever! The Metro car on the trip into the city was not air conditioned. Perhaps it would be better to say that it didn’t feel air conditioned because I find it difficult to believe that in this day and age they wouldn’t have air in all of their cars.  Maybe this one was broken. All I know is it was hot! Nothing like having sweat dripping down your back as you’re getting ready to spend the day away from home.  That marked 3 out of 4 days that I was dealing with steamy, hot, disgusting situations. It’s not a short ride anyway- probably a good 30 minutes, and on top of that they were track sharing so we sat waiting for our turn 2 or 3 times- waiting in the miserably hot car.  And not just for a minute or two.  I know the air wasn’t working because it got to the point that my daughter would poke her head out each time the train stopped and opened its doors.  It was so much cooler in the various stations.

We finally made it and headed to the Holocaust Museum. Let me tell you, they have more security getting into that museum than they do at most airports! People were being scanned with a handheld wand after going through the metal detector. Rock Star said she thought it was because of jewelry. At least it was cool in the museum so I didn’t really care.

The Holocaust Museum is, as far as I know, the only museum that requires tickets.  You can see a few exhibits but the main part of the museum is restricted to those who have tickets. Apparently, the museum itself only has a few day passes; however, you can go online, and for a  $1 convenience fee, get tickets. That’s what we ended up having to do. My mother was outraged and thought this was a huge racket. I’m thinking that it was only a dollar but I do see the point. Why have people go through that hassle? I do not understand handing out a limited number of passes at the actual museum but then allowing tickets to be “sold” online.  It seems to me it would be simpler to have all of the passes there at the museum, but perhaps this is a way of making sure more people can visit.

First, let me say that there is an incredible amount of information at this museum. It was heartbreaking to see how terribly people were treated for no other reason than their religion. There were times I would be watching footage or reading signs and thinking that these people were treated like non-humans. There was a video of corpses being scooped up in what looked like a front loader and being dumped into mass graves. The poor bodies were emaciated and these people, these human beings who lost their lives, were tossed into graves like rag dolls. The sad part is this was shown in conjunction with the Allied forces coming to liberate the camps and they talked of how they encountered dead bodies and the stench of death everywhere so this was probably someone from the Allied forces disposing of the victims so that disease wouldn’t be spread. Horrible!

With that said I think this was one of the most poorly run museums I’ve been to. You would think with the way they restrict the number of people admitted it would run a little more smoothly.  Instead, because of the huge amount of information and all of the videos running, there always seemed to be a huge bottleneck of traffic. Some people would choose to stand back and read.  That was fine, except when you’re trying to pass you have to continually step in front of others and felt like you were “cutting” into line. There was a video near the very beginning which ran for approximately 15 minutes. Instead of having people enter on one side and exit on the other the people getting ready to watch needed to let those who had finished watching out before they could get in.  That wasn’t bad; it was simple courtesy. However, there was no actual line per se and people would rush in from the sides to get inside and watch the movie.  When we finally got in all the seats were taken up and people were lined up against the walls.  I said, “Oh no, I’m not doing this!” and turned around and walked out. There were parts of the tour where I just skipped it because there were people everywhere and it was difficult to read the signs when you had bodies everywhere.

It is a huge museum, and as I’ve said, there was so much information. I would advise going on a day when few people are in DC.  It’s closed on Christmas Day but I’m thinking Christmas Eve, New Year’s Day, Thanksgiving… all might be valid choices. We were there for 3 hours total; that included the first hour when we weren’t in the “ticket only” area but instead visited some of the exhibits that were open to everyone. My back was killing me long before we finished up and my feet didn’t hold up so well either.  I wore Nike tennis shoes, for crying out loud! I figured those would hold up to a bunch of walking.

The kids were starving by the time we finished so we headed over to the National Museum of American History. It had two restaurants inside. Our first choice, the larger cafeteria, was closed, of course. We ended up going to the smaller Jazz Cafe which wasn’t a jazz cafe at all. I knew we were going to end up paying more than we should for lunch because of it being at the museum but I didn’t think I would end up paying a ridiculous amount of money! The choices were limited to 4 sandwiches and maybe 2 different salads; I thought about getting a shrimp po’ boy but they were all out by the time I ordered. I ended up paying just over $48 for 3 sandwiches and 3 fountain drinks! Outrageous! Too bad my back was killing me or I would have tried to find that grilled cheese restaurant again.

After filling our bellies we toured the museum. I liked it.  Of course, I was battling an aching back but I fought through it and got to see Julia Child’s kitchen, Dorothy’s ruby slippers, fancy gowns worn by our First Ladies, Archie Bunker’s chair, and a great exhibit on our presidents, just to name a few things. We really needed more time but alas, even with the extended hours, we just didn’t have it. And we were exhausted.

I bought ice cream for the kids from the food truck and we headed back to the Metro station. This particular station was not air conditioned (of course!) and we had just missed our train apparently because there was a 17 minute wait until the next one. Thankfully we ended up in a car that was air conditioned. We still had to share the tracks with other trains but the stops didn’t feel as long this time.  Maybe that’s because we weren’t sweltering in the heat!

We got home around 11 last night and today I’m going to be busy packing and meeting a friend for coffee. I won’t be too long because I need to get this packing done. Tomorrow my mom wants to head down to visit family while she’s here and on Thursday we are headed back to DC to pick up my brother who is flying in to drive the truck back for me. I suppose I will have a little bit of time to pack and run errands because we don’t need to leave until sometime around 1 to pick him up. If the weather holds up, and it’s looking more and more like it won’t, Rock Star has agreed to man the yard sale for us while we pick up my brother.

Anyway, that was my day yesterday.  Cliff notes version: Try to get an air conditioned Metro car and be prepared to encounter huge crowds at the Holocaust Museum.

P.S. My phone survived it’s encounter with the toilet!

I Am So Evil

Blast From the Past 31

April 2014

This is the month that it all began. I’m watching out for triggers but I feel good. Life is good. The whore is inconsequential. We’ll see how I’m doing later this month. And of course, next month should be loads of fun.

Editor’s Note:  Isn’t this just the sort of thing you’d hate to see if you had cheated on your spouse?  Your spouse declaring that he or she feels good!  That life is good!  That the affair partner is inconsequential!  Those are just the sort of declarations that could send you right over the edge and back into your skankmaster’s arms, aren’t they?  Poor CF.  He had it so rough.  With vicious statements such as those it’s no wonder he ran back to Harley.

Happy Birthday!

Blast From the Past 30

March 2014

Today is the whore’s birthday. She’s 42. Happy Birthday, Harley! This is your first birthday since fucking around with my husband. Hopefully at age 42 you’ll be wiser than you were at 41, although I doubt it. If you didn’t realize by age 41 that messing around with a married man wasn’t a good idea I’m not sure you’ll ever get it; Hell, I had enough common sense to not get involved with a married man at age 21.

Enjoy all your birthday wishes from friends and family. You seem to be loved by many although I do wonder if all those who are adoring you know about you and my husband. Maybe they don’t and your good name is still intact. Maybe they do but they don’t care because it wasn’t their husband (or wife, in the case of male friends). Maybe for the male friends it turns them on a little because now they know you’re willing to cheat. Bonus for them!

Enjoy celebrating with your husband and children. How was that you put it- your husband, the one man who has stood beside you through thick and thin, keeping vows that you couldn’t, and your children, the ones you hurt so deeply when they realized you were willing to destroy their lives for another woman’s husband? Honestly, I’m sure they’re glad you’re still around and no longer fucking around with my husband.

Happy Birthday, Harley! Enjoy it! You deserve it because you’re such a wonderful person. I think I’m going to remind Zack it’s your birthday and see if he’d like to wish you a happy birthday, too. Maybe all my in-laws can stop by your place with a cake and balloons and you can celebrate with them. I’m soooooooooo happy you were born!

Editor’s Note:  Turns out she’s still a dumb bitch!

My Horrible, Terrible, No Good Day

Let’s start this bad boy off by recognizing what day this was two years ago.  What happened on this day two years ago?  We finally made it to our new home state! Hooray! Two years ago today we arrived in our new state; two years ago tomorrow they were unloading all of our furniture. One year ago today I’m pretty sure my husband was hooking up with his skank ass ho of a cousin. Today though I held a yard sale to sell off as much as we can before moving 600 miles away.

I began my horrible, terrible, no good day by getting up at 5:45 in the morning. Normally, this wouldn’t be a problem because I’m constantly waking somewhere between 4:30 and 5:30 most days. Of course, last night I was busy pricing items for this yard sale and doing a multitude of other things to get ready for my mom and nephew coming in and for the big event.

We started moving items outside at 6:30, thinking an hour would be plenty of time to get everything out.  Wrong!  Not only was it not enough time, but also we had more than a few people passing by who saw us getting ready and who decided to stop by even though technically we weren’t “open” yet. I ran around like a chicken with my head cut off from 6:30 until somewhere around 10:30, hauling crap outside, bringing stuff downstairs and continuing to price things! I took a shower at 6 in the morning and needed another one by 10 am.  I had sweat dripping down my back and armpit stains.  My hair looked like I had been electrocuted.

As I’m pricing some clothes on the porch my mother spies my phone.  “Don’t you have pockets?” she asks me, and shoves the phone in my back pocket. Keep in mind I NEVER put my phone in my back pocket (or any pocket for that matter). Ever. I do not do it.

About fifteen minutes later I run inside the house for something and need to go to the bathroom. Do you see where this story is heading?  Oh, I bet you don’t. When I sat down I heard something go “plop” but I didn’t think much of it.  Everything was cleared out of the bathroom so I couldn’t have possibly knocked anything down. Wrong again. Yeah, turns out it was my phone that I heard go “plop”.  But it gets better. Because I knew I couldn’t have possibly knocked anything down since everything was already out of the bathroom and since I NEVER put my phone in my back pocket I proceeded to pee on my damn phone.  I didn’t discover my phone had landed in the toilet until after I was done with business and decided to double check just in case. There it was. Sonofabitch! I guess the silver lining is I didn’t flush the damn thing down the toilet.

Of course, there was no rice in the house. So my mom and Rock Star had to go to the store to grab a bag of rice in the hopes that the ol’ “burying your phone in rice” trick will work.

Gets better. My phone insurance is paid separately from my phone bill.  It is paid automatically out of the joint checking account.  Which was closed on the 10th of June.  I haven’t paid that bill yet because I was waiting for them to send me a bill. So I basically don’t have insurance on my damn pee soaked phone.

After peeing on my phone I popped a button on my jean shorts and my zipper came undone.

THEN because my mom is selling her townhouse at the same time I’m leaving mine we had to run out to a bank to get her closing papers notarized and then we had to run to a UPS dropbox.  While we were out getting that done a storm moved in, leaving four kids in charge of grabbing books and a multitude of other things and trying to get them out of the rain. They did an okay job of it but currently we are washing and drying probably five or six loads of laundry instead of lounging around tonight. Also, because we had to move so much stuff around, instead of simply removing tarps from everything and being bright eyed and bushy tailed in the morning, we are looking at another early morning and moving tons of crap.

I also got soaking wet helping to move everything to dry land and Rock Star ended up breaking something when she was trying to move it further back into the garage.

So, folks, that was my horrible, terrible, no good day. Let’s hope tomorrow is better. How was yours? Hey, at the very least if you didn’t pee on your phone your day is going much better than mine!

Positive Triggers

Blast From the Past 29

March 2014

The last few weeks my husband has made a point of telling me he’s counting down the hours until he’s able to come home to me. You would think I would find that sweet and reassuring. I might have, if my mind didn’t automatically go to the time during his affair, the time when he would walk out our door and text her good morning and then talk to her all the way to work and then spend the rest of the day texting her. Because during that time I’m sure every afternoon when he got ready to leave for work he would tell her he was counting down the hours until he could return to work and return to her. See? I’m just a replacement for her.


You Know What Today Is!

Blast From the Past 28

March 2014

I’m continuing to read and one of the things I’ve noticed is that most of these wives are PISSED months and years later. My favorite site says you shouldn’t forgive too quickly because you can’t heal if you’re burying everything and being on your best behavior. It also says that the cheating spouse doesn’t want to deal with the hurt that they’ve caused and they want to sweep everything under the rug. I think that really describes Zack. He doesn’t want to deal with the fallout of his affair. That’s why he’s never told his mom why I’ve distanced myself from everyone. Instead of telling her, “Look, Mom, I know this is my fault and I’ve put you in an uncomfortable position but you are choosing to continue a relationship with the woman I had an affair with. I wouldn’t dream of telling you what to do but if having a relationship with my wife is important then you’re going to have to cut ties with Harley. You can’t have a relationship with both of them so you need to decide which is more important to you.” I know he’s told me he keeps their conversations very superficial.

I also know he wants to focus on the future and not on the past. Well, isn’t that convenient? But here’s the thing. I KNOW what our problems were. Lack of sex and intimacy. Not doing much of anything together. Not spending time together. Barely having a conversation each day. The kids coming before anything. Living like roommates. He felt like I didn’t care about him and he was nothing more than a paycheck and a handyman. I’m not sure how much we can explore that. I sincerely believe it was a perfect storm. He had told me this stuff, or most of it, on a few occasions and I had ignored him. I admit I got tired of trying. I gave up. And then he reconnects with her on Facebook and she’s unhappy, too. You have two unhappy people and suddenly you’re madly in love and thinking you’ve found your soul mate because this person understands exactly what you’re going through. Throw in the excitement of an illicit affair and the fact you’re both in this fantasy bubble and you have Zack and Harley. So what else is left to say? What’s left to explore?

I think it helps, too, that I was so clueless. I didn’t have to deal with knowing about the affair and him refusing to end it. I did have to deal with the uncertainty of our marriage all summer long, but I didn’t realize she was a factor.

The only time I got angry after my initial confrontation was in October when I found out they were planning on meeting up in June, she was planning on getting her sparrow tattoo, and he was bragging about marrying her. I’ve had triggers and moments of despair, but no angry fits.

So, I’m left wondering if I’m recovering correctly, or if I’ve let him off too easily. Only time will tell, I suppose.

Editor’s Note:  I definitely let him off too easily!  Don’t make the same mistakes I did.  If you’re going to reconcile make sure your cheater is truly remorseful.  Don’t settle for morsels.  Don’t let them pout and whine and get away with not doing the work.  And if they don’t want to deal with the fallout of what they’ve done then dump them!  That should have been my big clue.  It was always about him and how he felt.  Never about me and how I felt.  I was just supposed to get over it.


Right Spot At the Right Time, Or Something Like That

Blast From the Past 27

March 2014

Something to take to heart:

Don’t Make The Other Person More Important Than They Are:

He/she happened to be in the right spot at the right time. They are nothing special. Your spouse was looking for an affair, not looking for them in particular. They are not superior to you, they are simply different from you. You are the husband or wife, all they are is a distraction. Your role in your spouse’s life far outweighs their role.

I’m not particularly fond of the thought he was “looking for an affair” but I do appreciate the sentiment that she was simply in the right place at the right time. I think that’s true. We had been struggling for a while. He tells me he thought he was only a paycheck to me and that we lived like roommates. He even told me he didn’t think I cared about him or our marriage anymore, and that I probably wouldn’t even care about his affair with her.

He reconnects with Harley on Facebook; she’s in the same boat and BAM- a recipe ripe for disaster.

And then, of course, you have the fantasy of the affair. Two perfect people with no problems. No one interferes. No one else is making demands. And it’s all wishing and dreaming. No reality.

Harley, you were nothing. All talk of marriage and love ended the moment I put my foot down and he realized if he was going to have you in his life he was going to have to make it real, no more fantasies. You were a diversion, nothing more. You weren’t soul mates. You weren’t destined to be together. You hadn’t finally found “the one”. You were just a sad, pathetic affair partner who happened to be in the right place at the right time, and who he now doesn’t even want to be reminded of.

Editor’s Note:  Again, that didn’t work out entirely the way I thought it was going to.  Live and learn, I suppose. I still believe this whole thing between them is going to implode and when it does it is going to be amazing.

Looking back I am struck by what a whiny, entitled baby CF is. “I’m just a paycheck and a handyman to you.  Waaaaa!  I didn’t think you’d even care that I was planning on marrying someone else while I was already married to you.”  I’m also struck by the copious amounts of bullshit I willingly ate in order to preserve my marriage.  “Oh, no, sweetie!  I love you!  How can I make this up to you?  Tell me which dance you’d like me to dance to- the choose me cha-cha?  The pick-me polka?  The stay-with-me samba?  Hey- how ‘bout the fuck you foxtrot?”  That’s what I should have offered up!