Oh, the Questions People Ask

Alright, it’s not really the questions people ask; it’s more like the question people ask.  And that question is: Would you take him back if he asked?

For some reason at least three people in my life have told me they have a feeling that eventually he’s going to realize what a mess he has made of everything and he’s going to ask for a second chance.  To that I always say:  Balderdash!

CF is far too arrogant to ever admit he messed up.  He would be mortified at the mere thought of asking for a second chance.  Let’s face it.  This is all my fault anyway, right, so why should he need to ask for another chance?  Obviously it should be me begging him for a second chance.  Factor in all of his dysfunctional cronies telling him how he deserves so much better than me and I’m the source of all his misery and I don’t think there’s a snowball’s chance in Hell that he would ever try to worm his way back into my life.

OK, Sam, we trust your judgement.  But what if you’re wrong and what if he did ask for a second chance?  That’s easy.  I would laugh in his face and tell him absolutely not!

I’m going to be brutally honest.  There was a time shortly after I found out about this affair when I thought that perhaps I would be amenable to an “agreement”.  As long as he continued to support us and deposit his paycheck he could go fuck his whore on the weekends.  We could work out a set amount of money that he could have as fun money and the rest would go towards our bills and towards keeping me and the kids in the lifestyle to which we had become accustomed.  Perhaps after Picasso had graduated from high school we could move onto divorce but until then keeping them here, letting them graduate from the schools here and keeping their lives the same would be the primary goal.  For those of you who are aghast at the mere idea of this you’ll be pleased to know I quickly rejected that line of thinking.

No, there is no turning back.  I forgave him once.  I can choose to believe I was an idiot for doing so, or I can choose to believe I did everything I could to keep my marriage and family together.  Unfortunately for him there are no more chances.  He showed me who he is and now I’m believing him.  Even if I were to lose my mind and say, “Sure, honey, come on home!” he would just turn around and do it all over again the next time he found things not going 100% his way.  Plus, we no longer have a home to go to.  I’m not going to completely dismantle my kids lives once again and then welcome him back with open arms and relocate yet a third time.  My kids have endured enough because of their father and his piss poor decisions.  The last thing they need is for me to say, “Guess what?  I love him once again!  We’re going to be one big happy family so toss aside those feelings of anger, hurt and rejection and climb on board the happy train!”

Additionally, I don’t want him back.  I have no feelings for him anymore.  He killed every single one of them.  I suppose I’m lucky in that the moment I found out what he was doing I lost all the love I had for him and I knew, no matter how bad it was going to suck, I had to leave.  I look back on his behavior over the last twenty years and I can’t believe all that I put up with.  When I’m not looking at him with rose colored glasses I can clearly see how much of an entitled ass he was, how unsupportive he was, and what a shitty partner he was.  Why would I want that back?

If he came crawling on his hands and knees and begged for a second (third? fourth?) chance would I forgive him and try again?  Nope.  He’s done.  He’s used up all his chances.  I have no more grace left to extend to him.