Realizing the In-laws Are Not My Family

February 2014

This was written in the comments section of a website dedicated to healing from emotional affairs. The discussion was the ripple effects an affair has on a family:  The only really negative “ripple effect” has been on me, and how I view family now. I always thought that his family was my family. Am closer to his mother than my own!! His mother is a woman with a wonderfully TRUE heart, and we have so much in common… After his cheating and going through all of this and seeing what we, I, almost lost, I pulled away from his family. I wouldn’t answer their calls, return texts or emails… just withdrew my heart from them the best I could. I realized that if my marriage didn’t make it, that ultimately his family was HIS FAMILY, and I would always be an outsider.

I think that gets to the heart of what I’ve been trying to convey. Jezebel once wrote: I realize you consider me to be the enemy. No, you’re just his sister. You condoned what he did. You supported him. You’re his family. You’re not mine. His mom and stepdad, and sister for that matter, have not distanced themselves from Harley. I don’t know if they’re all so stupid they actually think it’s fine to be friendly with his wife and his whore, or if, more likely, they just don’t care what she did and in the end they’ve decided they’d rather have a relationship with her instead of me. Regardless, they are his family, not mine. That realization frees me up quite a bit. I don’t need to worry about buying birthday or Christmas gifts. They’re his family; he can take care of that. I don’t have to spend holidays with them or go visit. I know we’re moving but if we weren’t I would feel no obligation to take the kids to see them when I went out there to visit. Being only 7 hours away I feel no obligation to take them to see them when we move. I’m not obligated to go with Zack when he visits, and if he wants to take the kids he’s free to do so but he needs to understand he’ll be dealing with them on his own.

Maybe I am a bite my nose off to spite my face type of person but I don’t see the point in carrying on these superficial relationships, knowing that the moment my darling husband decides to take up with his whore again no one in his family will know my name. You know why? Because it’s HIS family and not mine. No matter what he does to hurt me or screw up our lives or the lives of our kids, they will always support him. And no matter how good I am to them, no matter how many times I sacrifice or go out of my way for them, I am not their family. I will be treated as an outsider and they will never support me, even with clear evidence that Zack is completely in the wrong. THAT is why I have taken the stance I have. THAT is why I continue to distance myself from them. That, combined with their inability to get rid of the whore, their unwillingness to let her know they think what she did was disgraceful and they want nothing to do with her. He’s already cheated on me once. Planned a wedding with another while I was none the wiser. So to think we’ll never divorce is just ludicrous. I hope we make it. I hope we fully recover. But I can’t say I’m 100% sure. I can’t say he’ll never cheat on me again. I would be foolish to say that in light of what happened. And because of who they are and the possibility that my marriage may not survive I just can’t pretend we’re all one big happy family. Hell, I can’t even pretend we’re family, never mind the happy part! They’re his family. I am currently his wife. They will always be his family. I can cease to be his wife.

Editor’s Note:  Did I call that or what?  Zack took up with the whore again.  Check.  No one in that family knows my name now that he’s taken up with Harley.  Check. Clear evidence he’s doing wrong.  Check. They will always support him no matter what and with clear evidence he IS doing wrong.  Check.  Hell, his sister begged him to leave me; it’s possible his mom was in on the whole “leave her if you’re so unhappy” bandwagon and she definitely encouraged the whore to call him.  Check. Check.  They will always be his family.  Check.  I can cease to be his wife.  Oh hell yeah!  I think that’s the silver lining in this whole thing!

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One thought on “Realizing the In-laws Are Not My Family

  1. You know, something I discovered too, was that I don’t have to deal with the toxic people that my husband hauled around in his life because of relationships either real or imagined. I just let them go.

    Like

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