Blast From the Past 28
I’m continuing to read and one of the things I’ve noticed is that most of these wives are PISSED months and years later. My favorite site says you shouldn’t forgive too quickly because you can’t heal if you’re burying everything and being on your best behavior. It also says that the cheating spouse doesn’t want to deal with the hurt that they’ve caused and they want to sweep everything under the rug. I think that really describes Zack. He doesn’t want to deal with the fallout of his affair. That’s why he’s never told his mom why I’ve distanced myself from everyone. Instead of telling her, “Look, Mom, I know this is my fault and I’ve put you in an uncomfortable position but you are choosing to continue a relationship with the woman I had an affair with. I wouldn’t dream of telling you what to do but if having a relationship with my wife is important then you’re going to have to cut ties with Harley. You can’t have a relationship with both of them so you need to decide which is more important to you.” I know he’s told me he keeps their conversations very superficial.
I also know he wants to focus on the future and not on the past. Well, isn’t that convenient? But here’s the thing. I KNOW what our problems were. Lack of sex and intimacy. Not doing much of anything together. Not spending time together. Barely having a conversation each day. The kids coming before anything. Living like roommates. He felt like I didn’t care about him and he was nothing more than a paycheck and a handyman. I’m not sure how much we can explore that. I sincerely believe it was a perfect storm. He had told me this stuff, or most of it, on a few occasions and I had ignored him. I admit I got tired of trying. I gave up. And then he reconnects with her on Facebook and she’s unhappy, too. You have two unhappy people and suddenly you’re madly in love and thinking you’ve found your soul mate because this person understands exactly what you’re going through. Throw in the excitement of an illicit affair and the fact you’re both in this fantasy bubble and you have Zack and Harley. So what else is left to say? What’s left to explore?
I think it helps, too, that I was so clueless. I didn’t have to deal with knowing about the affair and him refusing to end it. I did have to deal with the uncertainty of our marriage all summer long, but I didn’t realize she was a factor.
The only time I got angry after my initial confrontation was in October when I found out they were planning on meeting up in June, she was planning on getting her sparrow tattoo, and he was bragging about marrying her. I’ve had triggers and moments of despair, but no angry fits.
So, I’m left wondering if I’m recovering correctly, or if I’ve let him off too easily. Only time will tell, I suppose.
Editor’s Note: I definitely let him off too easily! Don’t make the same mistakes I did. If you’re going to reconcile make sure your cheater is truly remorseful. Don’t settle for morsels. Don’t let them pout and whine and get away with not doing the work. And if they don’t want to deal with the fallout of what they’ve done then dump them! That should have been my big clue. It was always about him and how he felt. Never about me and how I felt. I was just supposed to get over it.