My Horrible, Terrible, No Good Day

Let’s start this bad boy off by recognizing what day this was two years ago.  What happened on this day two years ago?  We finally made it to our new home state! Hooray! Two years ago today we arrived in our new state; two years ago tomorrow they were unloading all of our furniture. One year ago today I’m pretty sure my husband was hooking up with his skank ass ho of a cousin. Today though I held a yard sale to sell off as much as we can before moving 600 miles away.

I began my horrible, terrible, no good day by getting up at 5:45 in the morning. Normally, this wouldn’t be a problem because I’m constantly waking somewhere between 4:30 and 5:30 most days. Of course, last night I was busy pricing items for this yard sale and doing a multitude of other things to get ready for my mom and nephew coming in and for the big event.

We started moving items outside at 6:30, thinking an hour would be plenty of time to get everything out.  Wrong!  Not only was it not enough time, but also we had more than a few people passing by who saw us getting ready and who decided to stop by even though technically we weren’t “open” yet. I ran around like a chicken with my head cut off from 6:30 until somewhere around 10:30, hauling crap outside, bringing stuff downstairs and continuing to price things! I took a shower at 6 in the morning and needed another one by 10 am.  I had sweat dripping down my back and armpit stains.  My hair looked like I had been electrocuted.

As I’m pricing some clothes on the porch my mother spies my phone.  “Don’t you have pockets?” she asks me, and shoves the phone in my back pocket. Keep in mind I NEVER put my phone in my back pocket (or any pocket for that matter). Ever. I do not do it.

About fifteen minutes later I run inside the house for something and need to go to the bathroom. Do you see where this story is heading?  Oh, I bet you don’t. When I sat down I heard something go “plop” but I didn’t think much of it.  Everything was cleared out of the bathroom so I couldn’t have possibly knocked anything down. Wrong again. Yeah, turns out it was my phone that I heard go “plop”.  But it gets better. Because I knew I couldn’t have possibly knocked anything down since everything was already out of the bathroom and since I NEVER put my phone in my back pocket I proceeded to pee on my damn phone.  I didn’t discover my phone had landed in the toilet until after I was done with business and decided to double check just in case. There it was. Sonofabitch! I guess the silver lining is I didn’t flush the damn thing down the toilet.

Of course, there was no rice in the house. So my mom and Rock Star had to go to the store to grab a bag of rice in the hopes that the ol’ “burying your phone in rice” trick will work.

Gets better. My phone insurance is paid separately from my phone bill.  It is paid automatically out of the joint checking account.  Which was closed on the 10th of June.  I haven’t paid that bill yet because I was waiting for them to send me a bill. So I basically don’t have insurance on my damn pee soaked phone.

After peeing on my phone I popped a button on my jean shorts and my zipper came undone.

THEN because my mom is selling her townhouse at the same time I’m leaving mine we had to run out to a bank to get her closing papers notarized and then we had to run to a UPS dropbox.  While we were out getting that done a storm moved in, leaving four kids in charge of grabbing books and a multitude of other things and trying to get them out of the rain. They did an okay job of it but currently we are washing and drying probably five or six loads of laundry instead of lounging around tonight. Also, because we had to move so much stuff around, instead of simply removing tarps from everything and being bright eyed and bushy tailed in the morning, we are looking at another early morning and moving tons of crap.

I also got soaking wet helping to move everything to dry land and Rock Star ended up breaking something when she was trying to move it further back into the garage.

So, folks, that was my horrible, terrible, no good day. Let’s hope tomorrow is better. How was yours? Hey, at the very least if you didn’t pee on your phone your day is going much better than mine!