The Problem With Positive Triggers

I am busy unpacking, folks. I’ve been in the middle of writing a great blog post for about a week now.  I just can’t seem to find the time to get it done.  Maybe later on tonight. For today though we’re going to take another walk down memory lane.

Blast From the Past 33

April 2014

I was reading about positive triggers, things that should be a good thing but which instead make you feel bad. I get it. My husband tells me often how much he loves me, how good I look, how much I turn him on, how I’m his entire world, the only thing that is good, how good I am to him, how wonderful I am and how he could never keep up with me or do everything I do. These should all be good things but I sometimes wonder if he’s telling the truth. Or I wonder, “Why now? Why am I so fantastic now when only months earlier he was telling his sister how miserable I made him, how our marriage was dead and how Harley made him happy and he was in love with her and he wanted to marry her?” Did he always feel that way about me and we just let our relationship fall apart, or does he suddenly have a new appreciation for me since I told him he needed to choose because I wasn’t going to be jerked around anymore?

And those questions beget more questions. Like, why on earth did I even allow him to choose? Why didn’t I just tell him the choice had been made and since he was so in love with his whore he could have her? I don’t know. I guess because I didn’t want to get a divorce. I didn’t want to be a statistic and I didn’t want to destroy my kid’s lives. And honestly, things are good now.

It makes me realize though that even if I wanted to go back to his home state with him, I couldn’t. It would be far too humiliating. All those people, knowing he cheated on me with her. Thinking I’m weak and pathetic for staying with my cheating husband. Wondering what was wrong with me or what I did to cause him to stray. Knowing they all love her and think she’s wonderful, and probably would prefer him being with her instead of me.

I’ve said before I don’t think his sister really supports him staying with me. She decides she’s unhappy, finds her next husband, has an affair with him, divorces her current husband, and then gushes about finding her soul mate and her best friend. She doesn’t understand having an affair for any reason other than to get out of your marriage. Well, maybe one other reason. Nonetheless, it must have been very confusing to her, having her brother go on and on about finding true happiness with his new soul mate, thinking I was on my way out, and then he does a 180. I’ll always believe she thinks he simply got cold feet when the truth came out and that he chose duty over true love. Or in simpler terms, while she believes you should do what makes you happy instead of worrying about doing what’s right, she thinks he chose to do what he thought was right instead of what would make him happy.

Maybe she is correct. Maybe he chose honor and duty over love. Maybe he chose his children over his soul mate. If he did he seems to be making the best of it. He’s fairly convincing when he tells me he loves me and that I’m his world. Then again, he did spend 3 1/2 months lying to me and I didn’t know.

Editor’s Note: I still have the texts that flew back and forth between us after he was caught the first time; I printed them out and they are all there in black and white.  Man, he is convincing when he tells me I am his first choice and that he made a horrible mistake.  I think it’s pretty apparent though that he stayed out of duty, and possibly not wanting to divide up his shit. You don’t run back to the whore you almost destroyed your marriage for at the first sign of trouble if she wasn’t the one you wanted all along.

I would say I was an idiot, but I’m going to go with: I gave it my best shot. I did everything I could to preserve my marriage and my kids’ way of life. What happened after that is all on him.

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