One Year

According to the clocks I’m looking at it is now 12:09 a.m. on August 10th. One year ago at this time I was sleeping fitfully. My husband was down in his home state at the funeral that never seemed to end.  You know, the one where he refused to take his kids with him so they could see their grandparents.  The one where he said he was going to drive down on a Thursday and return Friday after the funeral. Only on Friday he texted and told me the funeral was on Saturday. And then on Sunday he told me he wasn’t going to start driving home until after 8 because he “wanted to challenge himself” and see if he could do it. Because of all that anxiety he was experiencing. Then he texted me around 11:30 at night to tell me he had found his mom’s keys in his briefcase and had to turn around so he’d start home in the morning. And then mysteriously he didn’t make it home until after 5 that evening.

One year ago, in about, oh, twenty hours or so, I would receive a text message from Harley’s husband and my world would come crumbling down. I still remember where I was sitting when that notification popped up on my phone. “BTW, CF’s been spending his weekends in Whore Town with Harley.” I still remember standing outside on my porch, talking to The Saint, him filling me in on all that had been going on, all the lies CF had been feeding me, and me telling him I didn’t know what I was going to do because we had just bought this house a year ago, had bought new furniture and a new car less than a year ago, and had just completed construction on an inground pool; it had been filled for six days.

Today, one year later, I am back in my old house. It is almost bare. I have sold most of the furniture. Our living room used to be comfortable and cozy. We had a nice big sectional with powered recliners, a coffee table that lifted up so you could use it as a table if you wanted to eat and watch TV, a granite topped desk, a TV stand and a 46” TV. There were pictures and plaques up. I had several end tables and a beautiful sofa table that I used to showcase my monthly decorations. It was warm and inviting and it was home. Right now I’m sitting on the couch that used to reside in our formal living room and resting my feet on the coffee table. The sectional and sofa table were sold before we moved to a lovely couple that are using them in their lake home. I wasn’t going to sell the sofa table but they really loved it and he was persistent so I caved. The matching end table was sold to someone else, also before we left. The desk in our living room is gone; it’s now sitting in Picasso’s new room 600 miles away. I also took the TV with me and sold the stand yesterday. The pictures are all down and are in storage at my mom’s. The plaques, signs and decorations were sold. The other rooms are equally bare.  My house is simply a shell now.

One year has passed and I have already moved my kids another 600 miles and in with my mom. I’ve registered both kids for school. I will begin looking for a job when I return home. I have Back to School Night for both new schools in my phone.

One year has passed and by God I’m still standing! I didn’t lay down and die. No, I made breakfast and paid bills and ran my kids around. I made dinner, listened to their stories and what was important to them, and took care of 3 dogs and 3 cats, as well. I did laundry and washed dishes and cleaned house. I went on field trips and watched cheerleading competitions and gymnastics meets. I cheered my girl on at States and encouraged my boy to try marching band. I wished them good luck as they went off trick-or-treating, I made sure we spent Thanksgiving and Christmas with family, and I filled those Easter baskets. Even when I found out CF had resigned from his job of 15 years and moved out of the state to work side by side with Blockhead and to be closer to Harley I carried on. I didn’t get Rock Star through all four years of high school here but I got her through this year. She got to cheer; she got to compete one more year in gymnastics. Hell, she even got to castrate a calf! For his part, Picasso got to release trout back into the wild. So fuck you, CF and Harley! You didn’t break me. I have my low moments and with your recent antics there have been a lot of those low moments, but you know what? I ALWAYS get back up!

We came back so I could clean up the house a bit, run some errands I didn’t get to run before we left, and grab a few items that were forgotten. I also figured that as long as we were here I might as well try to sell some more furniture. I thought I would have plenty of leisure time but I have stayed pretty busy. Yesterday and the night before I was cleaning. You would think what with the house being nearly vacant it would be a breeze to clean. It is not. I’m not even doing deep cleaning; I’m scrubbing sinks and toilets and then sweeping and vacuuming floors. I’ve also wiped down counters, dusted a little bit, put dishes away, and reloaded the dishwasher. Plus, being the slightly anal retentive person I can sometimes be I have brought in most of the stuff we were selling at the yard sale that had been sitting in the garage and have put it away. It feels like it has taken forever! Some of you may be wondering why on earth I’m cleaning but I don’t want to give CF any ammunition to use against me. We left in total chaos, it felt like, and there was no time to pick up. I didn’t want to be accused of leaving the house a total mess so here I am! On the plus side though I’ve decided I am not shampooing carpets. He can do it himself or pay someone to do it. I’m tired and I’m done with the cleaning.

Today I will be mainly running various errands and crossing my fingers that my prospective buyers actually show up like they are supposed to. I have a textbook of Rock Star’s that I need to return to her school, or rather her former school. I need to pick up their records from their doctor which I forgot to do before I left. I’m making a run to Goodwill to drop off a few boxes of things. I need to take CF’s mail down to the post office and see if they can forward it to him (it was supposed to be forwarded so I’m not sure why it’s coming to this address). I also get to mow the yard which I’m very excited about. If I have time I’m going to try to pick up the outside area.

Fortunately, one of the things I won’t be doing today, on the one year anti-versary of D-Day #2 is going to court. I wanted to come back to do the things I cited above but the primary reason behind it was because I thought I would have to be in court. CF is still going to try to get his support obligations modified or suspended, but his attorney will be filing a separate motion for that and will just agree to everything in my attorney’s motion. I’m fairly certain I will be back. He doesn’t want to have to pay me anything and I want him to so it seems we’re at an impasse.

I was fortunate enough to get to go to lunch with one friend yesterday and today I have plans to go to dinner with another friend. We didn’t get to meet up before I left so I’m really glad we’re getting this chance.

All in all I suppose it’s not a bad way to observe the one year anti-versary of the total destruction of your old life. I’m good with dates so it’s not like it would simply pass with no absolutely notice. I’m trying to keep it low key and just acknowledge it like it’s any other date.  Hopefully next year at this time I won’t even realize what this day is. But for this year, even though I do know what day it is I’m doing okay.

9 thoughts on “One Year

  1. Congrats on surviving your first year. Next year it won’t hurt as bad, and the year after u will feel almost normal. Badass unicorns are never completely normal. They are too fabulous for normal ❤️🦄❤️
    I say chocolate strawberries are in order.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Unfortunately I live in a state that requires a one year waiting period before you can file for divorce so this year is going to be all about the divorce. And that’s going to be even more complicated because now he’s trying to claim disability for PTSD. Hard to settle with someone who reportedly makes nothing. But yes, this is a great milestone. I survived. Now it’s time to thrive!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. That does kind of set the agenda for the year, doesn’t it? Funny…with him working hard to try to prove disability/PTSD (does it cancel out since he also was the perpetrator in creating PTSD with his CHEATING??) it seems he will be focused on the past and bondage…maybe just the place he needs to sit. Honestly, I just care about you, and hearing you plan to thrive is AWESOME!


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