Memorial Days Past & CF’s Stressful Morning

These are short so I’m going to bless you with two Blasts From the Past at once. There is lots of commentary from Present Day Sam, though. Plus, it’s Saturday and this never seems to be a heavy traffic day.

Blast From the Past 38
May 2014

He asked me yesterday if I was prepared to spend Memorial Day with him this year. I looked at him like he was crazy. “I’ve been around for twenty of them!” And then I realized that last year on Memorial Day he was knee deep in his little affair with Harley. It had been rekindled and everything. He went to a Veteran’s thing and if he reached out to anyone it was probably her.

Present Day Sam Says: In 2014 we began purchasing about 50 small flags and went to a cemetery and would place flags on the servicemen’s graves. Last year, 2015, we were supposed to go to my family’s cemetery about an hour away and place flowers and flags on the graves. My Mamaw and most of the members of her family are all buried there; at least four uncles and my great grandfather all fought in various wars so we have plenty of servicemen in my family alone. My cousin who died in Afghanistan in 2012 is also buried there. That year, 2015, we were going to be able to recognize them with flags, and not simply random strangers. Strangely, CF was unable to accompany us. He was too frail to go; he was having too tough of a day. I’m sure he spent the majority of his day texting and sexting with Harley once again. I hope she made the day bearable for the poor little sad sausage.

This year he called and whined to Rock Star that she hadn’t called and wished him a Happy Memorial Day. She told him it wasn’t the day to thank the living; it was a day to remember the dead. Her alternate response was going to be that it was now Harley’s job to thank him for his service. He followed that up with how she should know, at age 15, that this was always the worst day for him. Every year. Despite bringing home all of his men. Despite, to the best of my knowledge, not closely knowing anyone who died! As I’ve recounted this story before my wise beyond her years daughter replied that the worst day of her life was finding out her father was cheating on her mother. Always ready with an answer and even more ready to play victim, CF tells her he’s sorry about that but that I never really loved him anyway.
Blast From the Past 39
May 2014

He was having another stressful morning. I asked if he had taken his medication. No. Go ahead and take it now. He did. And I’m left wondering how it’s possible that he dealt with the stress of carrying on an affair last year. How did he manage to pull that off? Everything is stressing him out. I don’t know how he managed to live a double life all summer long, especially one that could have cost him everything. Maybe he thrives on danger. I’ve frequently wondered how he managed to lead men in battle and bring every one of them home safely. Or maybe this is simply more PTSD. He held it together for 3 1/2 months and now I get to deal with the fallout.

Present Day Sam Says: Every time I read this I think of Anthony Weiner and his sexting pseudonym, Carlos Danger.

It sickens me to think of how quickly I fell into thinking that PTSD had something to do with his state of mind. I think I was searching for anything that would explain his behavior. Now I believe it was him simply having a toddler tantrum because he had been caught and he was worried I wouldn’t make the move with him. Perhaps he was in cahoots with her the entire time. I don’t know; I don’t care. It does not make one damn bit of difference to me.

I think in the end he fell apart back then because he could. He knew I would take care of everything. He knew I would keep it together. Plus, it turns out he’s not really dealing all that well anyway. Once the money was gone the breakdown was back on.

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2 thoughts on “Memorial Days Past & CF’s Stressful Morning

  1. There is a blogger who said that she finally came to realize her husband did not want to be with her anymore. He just did not. It has helped her move on. I do not know if you know the preacher TD Jakes. I am an Episcopalian completely disinterested in TV evangelists and yet his man is something different. He is so good at putting into words what people need to hear. He has a wonderful sermon on YouTube about letting go. He says when someone walks away from you let them go. I hope at some point you can let go and move on. You and your little family sound like you have such good loving feelings for each other that CF is second-best. I hope you find happiness. I don’t even know you but I feel like I do.

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    1. Janelle and I were just “talking” about tone and inflection on the web so I want you to know I’m genuinely curious and not being snarky at all. What is it that I’ve said that makes you think I haven’t let go? In my mind I’ve completely let go. Coming to terms with everything he’s done since is sometimes difficult but as far as wanting him or mourning the loss of him I’m done with that. I’ve been over him and let go of our past almost as soon as I found out what he was doing. Unfortunately the crap he continues to put us through is not as easy to dismiss.

      I do appreciate your good wishes for all of us; I was simply curious as to why it appears to you I haven’t let go of him.

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