I believe I have shared with you how I am a frequent watcher of the ID channel. My mother is also a huge fan so now the TV is almost always turned to that channel.
First, what the hell is up with the ads on this station? They’re either making me cry because they repeatedly show those ads for the ASPCA and all those poor neglected and/or abused animals, or they’re showing ads for KY-Jelly and promising me a more satisfying orgasm. Oh, promises promises.
Also, they don’t always name their shows appropriately. I mentioned before that Evil Stepmothers doesn’t usually deal with what you would think it would. I hear of a show like that and I picture an evil stepmother who is a monster to her stepchild/ren. Not on this show. As I said previously usually she ends up killing the husband. Oh, she’s plenty abusive towards the kids, unbeknownst to the clueless father, but the real loser ends up being the husband. I’ve seen ONE show where the stepmother murdered the kid and I mention that below.
How (Not) To Kill Your Husband is another misnamed show. I’m thinking maybe it’s a play on words. Like, the woman should or wants to kill her husband but he gets to her first. Seriously, again, ONE show I’ve seen shows the husband actually dying. The rest of them revolve around the husband killing the wife. Maybe Evil Stepmothers and How (Not) To Kill Your Husband should switch story lines!
I’ll tell you who does it get it right- Deadly Women: Women Who Kill. They always have a jaunty little theme- caregivers, gold diggers, mistresses, women with a limp…. And it’s always a woman doing the killing. The victim changes up but the perpetrator is always a woman.
My daughter is partial to Ice Cold Killers. This is a very bizarre concept. It’s simply murders that took place during the winter. I suppose if you’re filling 24 hours of TV time you need to stretch. Also in that vein would be Swamp Murders and Southern Fried Homicide. Always slightly different variations but always taking place in a specific locale. Oh how I wish I could do their program development for them!
I have to tell you lately when I’ve been watching the new ads for the upcoming season of Joe Kenda: Homicide Hunter (another show which is aptly titled because it is indeed Joe Kenda catching the criminals) I’ve been kinda sassy. Joe tells you how people are simple and murder is simple. According to Joe the motives behind murder boil down to three things: revenge, money, or sex. I knew that already. Come on, Joe; tell me something I don’t know! Anyway, his tag line at the end is: If you kill I WILL find you! I love Joe but every time he says that I look at the TV and reply: Challenge accepted, Joe! Challenge accepted.
I’ve also found that there are a lot of very ugly women out there that manage to get men to do some really stupid things for them. I know that may make me sound like a very petty person but honestly I look at some of these photos of women who have enticed men to leave their wives or to murder someone and I’m thinking, “What the hell does she have that I don’t?” I think the answer is really another question. What doesn’t she have that I do? That answer would be: morals, empathy, a soul. Furthermore, it goes to prove that old adage: It doesn’t matter what the OW looks like; it matters how she makes him feel. I was just watching yesterday and one of the women was a drug addict. Oh, that’s a step up from anything. Another was nothing special to look at and yet she married a wealthy man who adored her and then preceded to have numerous affairs! Apparently you can look like death warmed over so long as you convince him he’s a big strong hunk-o-man who is just the smartest and most desirable thing on this earth. Big lesson there- sex makes you stupid. Sometimes it even gets you killed.
Also, men, don’t be looking for a new mommy for your children. This never seems to end well on ID TV. The poor guy is so flustered by taking care of his children that he seeks out the first woman who seems to take interest in him and his kids (see above regarding Evil Stepmothers). Then she turns psycho! In one case stepmommy dearest snared a widower by pretending to be Mommy of the Year to his young children. After terrorizing the children she flirted her way into another man’s life and persuaded him to kill her husband, saying he was abusive towards her. I don’t remember the backstory; I don’t know why she wanted him dead. Maybe he was onto her game and was going to divorce her, leaving her with nothing. In another situation the bitch actually convinced her son, whom she had abandoned years ago, to kill her stepson and the dumbass she was married to divorced her, then remarried her and lobbied for her parole! A quick Google search shows she is out of prison and they are living together somewhere in Florida, although neither of her biological children will have anything to do with her. In still another situation the woman coerced her stepson to actually participate in his own mother’s murder! I had to put my foot down on that one. I looked at Picasso and told him point blank, “Under no circumstances are you allowed to kill me!” He looked at me like I was crazy. “Why would I harm someone that I love dearly for someone I hate?” was his question. It was a good one and I didn’t really have an answer.
This also led to some advice I gave him a few months back when I got on this ID TV kick. Sometimes you just feel like you’ve failed if you don’t cover all of the bases so one day as we were driving to school I counseled him. “Picasso, don’t ever kill a man for a woman. She’s probably lying about being abused. I’ve seen it too many times on ID TV. She convinces some poor sap she’s being abused and that the only way she’ll ever be safe is if he’s dead. He kills the guy, then finds out everything was a lie. Meanwhile she tries to place all the blame on him and acts like she has no idea what caused him to murder her boo. He takes the fall for it and if he’s very lucky she goes to jail as well. If not, he goes to jail and she goes free. Don’t think for a minute she’s visiting him in jail. She’s not; she got what she wanted from him. So if some woman asks you to kill a man for her you go to the police instead.” That boy has a good head on his shoulders. He told me not to worry about; he would turn her in himself if anyone ever tried to get him to do that.
He’s such a smart boy.