Is It Healthier To Divorce?

 

This was a question posed on an internet forum. The situation was a man who was miserable in his marriage; it was killing him. Yet, he stayed for his kids. The debate was whether or not this was healthy.

The person who initiated this debate went on to detail how miserable she had been in her own marriage, how it had been slowly killing her and she didn’t think her husband would ever change. She then goes on to talk about how happy she is now and how good divorce was for her.  She’s remarried. She has 2 more children. She went back to school to get her Masters. She has a husband who makes enough money that he could support her while she was doing this, plus basically support the family because she made very little money at her job. She did say towards the end that divorce was a huge positive for her and probably a little bit of a positive for her daughter.

That was what I thought was so interesting.  The question was, “Is it healthier to divorce rather than to stay for the sake of the kids?” The answer, however, had nothing to do with the kids; it revolved around the parent’s happiness.

Another person chimed in and said she thought it was hard to apply that as a concept to everyone; it really needed to be discussed on an individual basis. She also said she didn’t think kids really gave a squat about parental happiness, so long as it wasn’t in their face. I tend to agree with that.

Obviously if there are knockdown, drag out fights between the parents, or everyone in the house is walking on eggshells it’s not a good situation and the kids would probably rather the parents divorce.  That’s the problem though. So many of these situations are presented as A or B.  Either the parents are living in a tense, hostile situation fraught with yelling, screaming, and potential physical violence, or the parents divorce and everyone is happy with their new lives.

In my situation I wouldn’t describe our home life as tense or volatile. He scampered up to the bedroom most of the time. We occasionally went out as a family and had a wonderful time.  The kids and I were always “allowed” to go into the bedroom if we wanted to converse with him.  He wasn’t angry and hostile towards me or the kids. We functioned somewhat unconventionally but I don’t think my kids were unhappy or afraid.

Another issue that was raised was how children will be happy if their parents are happy. The first commenter thought that it would be very hard to disguise your unhappiness around your kids and that even if you could it could lead to some long term complications where you compartmentalize problems instead of facing them head on.

To all of that I say, “Bullshit!” First, I wasn’t always wonderfully happy in my marriage. I knew that there were things that other couples did that we didn’t do- go to movies, out to dinner, to church, running errands, sleeping in the same bed…  I knew it wasn’t normal to barely spend any time together.  I knew it wasn’t normal to have him forego family outings. I knew that I wanted more and I wanted him more involved but I sucked it up and concentrated on the things I could control. I chose to find things that would make me happy- things like my children, my friends, my volunteering. I didn’t sit back and say, “Oh my! I’m unhappy. There’s nothing I can do besides find a different husband.”

Second, I don’t think my kids are happier now than they were two years ago. I know my kids don’t want to see me miserable or crying; I don’t want to portray them as little sociopaths. But I don’t think they ever thought anything was terribly wrong. Like I said, there was no fighting, no hostility, no violence. Hell, I don’t think they ever even saw us raise our voices towards one another, much less have a fight. The only issues they saw were ones their dad brought to the table and I don’t think the fact that he has a new sex partner is going to change any of those issues. My daughter has said before, “I don’t know how you stayed with him as long as you did.” I also think a lot of that is because he was more willing to let everyone in the family see him fall apart this time around.

I think we fool ourselves into believing that our happiness makes our children happy. Obviously there can be extremes but kids are pretty self-centered.  They don’t like change anymore than we do. I’m pretty sure that if you asked my kids if they were happier now simply because Dear Old Dad is happy they would look at you like you had your brain growing on the outside of your head.  No, strike that.  It would be more like your brain was growing out of your ass. Their lives have been torn apart once again.  It wasn’t enough that we moved across the country and gave up everything for him the first time around. Oh hell no! Now we’re all supposed to be happy because he’s found true love with his soulmate. They probably don’t even think about the fact they are being forced to start all over again due to him. They’ve lost their home, have had to move another 600 miles away from their new friends, and are now residing in their grandmother’s house in smaller bedrooms while once again sharing a bathroom. Character building, my ass.  Fuck that! Their lives as they knew them are over at this point. They would probably tell you that they really don’t give a crap about their father’s happiness, especially when it came at their expense.

Another thing I’ve noticed is that those who extoll the virtues of divorce the loudest are generally the ones who are happily partnered up once again. The first commenter, as I pointed out earlier, remarried within 3 or 4 years of her divorce, I believe. She was also having an affair when she left her husband, although she did not end up with the affair partner and she says she didn’t leave for him. And, from other things she has written, she also had at least one other boyfriend before she met her current husband. Two other commenters who said divorce was better for the kids are also remarried and have at least one more child with the new husband. So far, no one who is not currently in a relationship has chimed in that divorce is just the best! I’m sure if that’s your reality (you meet the love of your life, you go on to have a fabulous new life, you have more children) then you probably do feel that divorce is the best choice.  Of course, we are back again to the fact that divorce ended up being the best choice for the adult and not the child.

What happens, though, if you spend the rest of your life alone? What happens if you spend the rest of your life struggling financially? God bless the second commenter who pointed out that she has seen far too many people who have traded in being married and miserable for being divorced and miserable. Honestly, I think that’s going to be me.

Granted, I wasn’t the one who wanted out. I wasn’t the one saying, “Oh, I’m so unhappy!” I simply saw the writing on the wall and knew there would be no going back. I had already warned him that if he did it again we were done. Don’t get me wrong; I definitely know that I will be better off without him. I don’t know, though, if my kids will. With him we all lived a fairly privileged life. My kids didn’t want for anything. Now? I don’t see myself as having some wonderful career that provides enough for me to support my children comfortably. Oh, I’ll be able to pay the bills and they’ll eat, but I don’t see any extras for them in the future. Get a job, kids, if you want to have nice things because Daddy left Mommy when she was pushing 50 and had no hopes of making serious bank.

I doubt I will ever have a house of my own. He has the VA loan to fall back on so he doesn’t really care if we lose everything on this house. I, on the other hand, will have to come up with a down payment. I’ve already bought houses with him so I won’t qualify for a first time buyer break. Plus, why the hell would I want a 30 year loan when it wouldn’t be paid off until I was around 80? No, Mr. Cheater will go on to buy his dream home with the whore, while I live with my mom forever. That sounds like divorce is really changing my life for the better, doesn’t it?

I don’t see myself finding the love of my life. I think that has passed me by. Honestly, I have no desire to date. I have no desire to let myself be vulnerable.  I will never let myself rely on another man again. Ever. I will not remarry. I will not move in with someone. Even if I did end up one day eating my words how does that benefit my children? By the time that could even happen for me they will be grown and out of the house. It will be too late for them. They will never experience an involved father. My daughter will never have a dad that wants to attend her gymnastics meets and cheer her on. My son will never have a dad that teaches him to shave or plays video games with him or tosses a ball around with him. That has all fallen, and will continue to fall, on me.

Don’t get me wrong. While I am not a fan of divorce and never wanted any of this, I also don’t think that getting divorced is some horrible evil. I’ll be tackling that approach later on this week. What I have a problem with is people, probably like CF, who use their own happiness as an excuse to wreck havoc on the rest of the family. The thinking seems to be, “I’m not happy.  I deserve to be happy. If I’m happy everyone else will be happy.”

I also don’t advocate staying in miserable marriages.  I think you should do everything you can to make your marriage happy. If that means counseling or date nights or whatever the two people come up with then I’m all for it. I don’t believe that you only have two options: Stay or be miserable.  I think there is a third, often overlooked option, which is to work on and improve your marriage. Too often the, “I Deserve Happiness” crowd decides to simply ditch the marriage and start over, usually with someone they have waiting in the wings.

So now the question remains: Is it better to leave? Is it healthier? That’s the trick question. It’s supposed to be a question of whether or not staying is better for your kids. I suppose that depends on what your future holds. Are you feeling lucky?

The Final Days

It’s been a week now since we’ve been here. Technically I suppose one week and one day. I was so busy in my final days at our old home that I didn’t have a whole lot of time to reminisce. I’m one of those people that usually is all, “This is my last Monday. This is my last Tuesday,” and so on. I usually dwell on every moment and savor every bit of my last days. My last move the kids and I made a bucket list of all the things we wanted to do one last time before we left, and I was sent off with a ridiculous amount of going away gifts. This time not so much.

There were a few sweet moments, though. One of my daughter’s friends bought me Chunky Monkey ice cream on our last night there.  I was so touched. She told me not to be so nice and appreciative or she would cry. Wasn’t that the sweetest thing? One of the things I worried about when we made the initial move was the fact that I had watched Rock Star’s friends grow up where we were. I wondered if I would have any kind of a relationship with her new friends since I wouldn’t meet them until they were 14. Turns out on our last day there her friend and I were singing along to Elton John and talking about the time we both saw him in concert (at different times, of course).

One of Picasso’s friends came over on our final day. He made it a point to tell me that things were really going to suck around the neighborhood without us there and he thanked me for all the hospitality I had shown him. He has family that lives about 20 miles from us so I told him to make sure he let Picasso know if they were ever up this way and I would make sure I got him up  there so they could get together.

Another neighbor told me they would really miss us and his son was definitely going to miss Picasso. He told me that his son commented, “I’ve moved away before but I’ve never had anyone move away from me.” Yet another moment that made me want to cry.

My mom was down with me for the last week or so and a few days before we left we had a mini reunion with some of my Mamaw’s family. There were probably 11 of us that met for lunch and then went over to someone’s house for cake and tea. It was really nice and great to be around family; I just wish I had had more of that while I was living there.

After we moved my daughter’s boyfriend posted something on Instagram about his heart moving 600 miles away on the day of our move along with a slideshow of pictures of the two of them.  Another moment that made me want to cry.

Hey, looking on the bright side I tell myself that if the kids made such good friends in two years there is hope for them here.

A Philosophy Lesson

Back in the good ol’ days when I was trying to recover from CF’s emotional affair with Harley I often stalked her FB page. Of course, I prefer to call it “research”. It’s a strange thing but back then I was so much more focused on Harley and what a whore she is. This time I haven’t really focused on her.  Oh sure, I think she’s a sociopathic, home wrecking, immoral, gold digging tramp with a record, but I don’t worry about her. Don’t get me wrong. If a truck came along and hit her, splattering her body into a few dozen pieces I wouldn’t cry.  I’d probably even laugh at her misfortunate.  Then again, I’m a bitch and I’m mean and unforgiving like that.

I think, for me at least, it comes down to cognitive dissonance. How could I rage against my husband with whom I was trying to reconcile? I used her as a scapegoat instead.  I could let out all my rage on her and he was safe. Now that I’ve kicked his ass to the curb I don’t need to take it easy on him, and therefore, I don’t need to fixate on her to get my rage satisfied.

Anyway, I’m sure you’re all thankful for the psychology lesson but this isn’t what this post is about.  No, instead I thought I would share with you some of Harley’s wisdom and my snarky comments from the first go round; for anyone concerned I haven’t checked up on that bitch since November and have no plans to do so. She is so smart and so philosophical. If she weren’t fucking my husband and tearing my life apart I think she would probably be my very best friend! Are you ready for some words of wisdom from a home wrecking whore?  Great!  Let’s get started.

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Then: Bless her heart. Yes, I’m sure her affair with my husband was exactly what she needed to do for the greater good. I’m sure their affair brought them to exactly the right place at exactly the right time.

Now: I’m going to have to disagree with this idea that the journey I am on, right now, is exactly what it needed to be. It sucks great big donkey balls and it is not what I needed. At.All!  Furthermore, I have lost time.  I lost 20 years of my life to that jackass I married. I squandered the best years of employment I had to raise our children and in return for that I have been discarded and am starting all over. If this is what life has in store for me, if this is my now, then I don’t want it.

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Then:  Is she having a hard time? Still trying to come to terms with the fact she’s a whore, and that her soul mate tossed her aside when he realized he was thisclose to losing his wife and family? Must suck to make plans for your future with another woman’s husband and watch those plans fall apart. Just breathe, honey; it’ll be ok.

Now: Ah, can you feel the whore angst in the air?  Just breathe.  Have faith that the good Lord will send someone else’s husband your way.  Have faith that you will eventually help to wreck the lives of two innocent kids. But you know what, Harley and CF?  I’m not going to obsess or imagine.  I’m going to breathe and have faith that you both will get everything that you deserve.

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Then: You know, for a whore she’s really philosophical.

Now: Pssst!  Hey, Harley, I don’t think the Dalai Lama encourages people to fuck around on their spouses with someone else’s spouse. Call me crazy but… I think basically what he’s telling you here is that while yesterday you may have made the bad choice to fuck my husband and fuck around on your own and tomorrow you’re going to make the same stupid choice, today you have a chance to be a decent human being.  You have a chance to not be a lying, manipulative, cheating, gold digging skank. He is not encouraging you to love, believe, do and mostly live on the backs of others.

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Then & Now: Let me help you out. You’re the evil one. You’re the whore, remember? Hope that helps!

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Then:  But it is too late to erase the fact that you’re a whore who sent naked pictures and sex fueled texts to another woman’s husband. It’s too late to erase the fact that you were telling someone else’s husband you loved him and wanted to marry him and were willing to leave your husband for him. It’s too late to erase the fact that you were planning a future with another woman’s husband and planning on tattooing a permanent symbol of your undying love for one another on your body. No matter what you do, no matter how philosophical you might become, you can never erase that.

Now: It is way too late to erase that the fact that you are a home wrecking whore who doesn’t have an empathetic bone in her body.

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This was my advice to her: Oh, I approach life so bravely. It’s such a trial. Just be, bitch. That doesn’t take any bravery at all. You are not special.

Now: There is nothing brave about you. Depraved, perhaps, but not brave. Brave women don’t block their lover’s teenage daughter when she calls them out on their shit.  A brave woman would have apologized. A brave woman doesn’t stand by and take everything for her own children while her lover abandons his own. A brave woman would insist he do right by his family and have nothing to do with such a sorry excuse for a father.  A brave woman understands that if he’s willing to cheat on and lie to his wife and abandon his kids, then he’s going to eventually lie to and cheat on her and abandon her kids as well. Then again, a brave woman would never get involved with a married man, nor would she cheat on her own husband.  You are not brave. You’re an entitled whore.

This one wasn’t posted by her but I’m sure it was an oversight.  This is exactly the kind of drivel she thrived on!

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The same can be said of karma, bitch. It might take a day, it might take a year… but it will find you.

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Hey, Harley, if you’re really that concerned about being a strong woman and raising a strong woman you might start with not being a deceitful, manipulative whore. That would be a good life lesson.  Strong women don’t fuck other women’s husbands; morally bankrupt whores do.

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And I suppose that makes their affair some sort of life lesson that wasn’t wrong at all. It was something they didn’t regret. Thank God they took the plunge instead of living with the regret of, “What if?” BAER

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Then: I’m wondering, was this a reminder to herself that their affair wasn’t love because it was making her less, or was this a reminder that the affair was true love because it made her “more of who she is”?

Now: She must have decided it was true love. Well, it certainly made Cousinfucker more of a lying, cheating pathetic excuse of a man and made Harley more of a lying, conniving, cheating whore.

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More wisdom from the whore. I can’t even comment on this one. No, wait, I think I can.  Harley to her daughter: Sweetie, don’t worry if your married lover won’t leave his wife the first time.  You just keep on calling and letting him know you’re willing to suck his dick and eventually he’ll leave her and you can finally have your cheating Prince Charming. Naturally, I leave off the cheating part.

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You are a truly demented woman and I cannot believe that at your age you still believe in fairy tales and that somehow fucking around with a married man will lead to happiness.

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Then: Not my husband, though.  He will never come to you.  Update:  I found the original posting.  I wrote:  I love this one.  It was posted about two weeks before I found out.  I’m sure she thought if she was patient my husband would eventually be hers.  Perfect timing and all that…

Now: I think she may need to worry more about getting everything she deserves.  Because that shit comes to you at the perfect time, too.

Always remember that your present situation is not your final destination. THe best is yet to come

Then: Well, it won’t be with my husband!

Now: Enjoy supporting him while he has his yearly breakdown!

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Off their knees?

More shit from the whore.

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Drivel. It wasn’t destiny. It was him being a delusional asshole, looking for attention and titillation, and you being a manipulative, deceitful whore.  Update:  This one originally said, “Isn’t she just precious?”

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Then: You can be patient until the day you die. He will never come back to you. And it will never be the right time.

Now:  Apparently that patience and a little help from Tammy Faye paid off! She managed to win herself a lying cheater! Meanwhile, he’s got a woman who cheats on her husband, sends “inappropriate” pictures to a neighbor and nails her husband whenever he gives in to her begging.

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Here’s another thought. If you don’t fuck around with another woman’s husband you don’t need hope or strength.

There you have it! Wisdom and philosophy lessons from a whore.  This is all drivel she posted on her FB during her first affair with CF and for months afterwards. I’ve seen puddles that are deeper than Harley.

Another Bad Day

Today was supposed to be a good day.  We planned on going to the beach and taking a day off from unpacking and trying to find a place for everything. I’m used to the white sand of the Florida beaches. This shit is brown and hot! Hot, hot, hot! I think I might have 1st degree burns on the bottoms of my feet! But that wasn’t what made it a bad day.

On my way up to the beach I called the school to see what all I would need to register Rock Star. Now, I was patting myself on the back for this because I’m the type of person that usually goes in person.  I know it’s quicker to call but I continue to show up and hope for the best. Anyway, the first question asked was where we lived and if we were in that particular district.

OK, several years ago our school district decided to make the different high schools have a different focus. One focuses on the arts, another on STEM, another has the IB program, and another one focuses on medical programs. In other words, students no longer necessarily go to the high school in their neighborhood if another school more accurately reflects what they wish to do after graduation. The state also has implemented school choice so supposedly you should to be able to go to any school you want so long as you can get your student there. I already know this is a lie because my first choice for both kids is only taking kids in that district.

Today as I call to see about registering my daughter I’m told I am not within the school boundaries so I need to fill out an open enrollment form downtown, and oh yeah, they are at capacity. So… she’s probably not going to go to the school I thought she would be going to and instead she will be going to the neighborhood high school which focuses on the arts and which she has no interest in. It’s also smaller and has horrible testing scores. Hooray! I’m so glad her dad is happy off fucking his whore while I deal with this shit. Are you happy, Cousinfucker, because your kids sure as hell aren’t! In the end I guess you got what you really wanted which was to make me miserable. So again, hip hip fucking hooray!

Then while we’re at the beach my sister-in-law calls me to tell me she has a possible job for me where she works.  I was hoping that I could work as a secretary where she does. I wasn’t looking forward to working every other weekend or holidays but they work 12 hour days and 3 days a week is considered full time. There is also overtime available. Even so, working 4 days a week wasn’t going to give me very much left over. I figured I’d have about $600 left over after paying my bills. Again, a big fucking hip hip hooray. This position is in a different area. I would be working 5 days a work. 7-3:30. Every third weekend. I have no idea if overtime is even available and if it is I don’t know if I could just work over on a few of the days I work, or if I would have to work a sixth day. Obviously, I would much prefer to work 48 hours a week in four days as opposed to 48 hours over 6 days. I feel like my kids are going to end up raising themselves. Sorry, kids, I can’t make you breakfast.  Sorry, kids, I can’t take you to school. Sorry, kids, I can’t run anything up to you if you forget it.  Sucks to be you.  Maybe ask your dad for help.  Oh wait!  You can’t do that because he’s moved out of the fucking state. He’s off playing Daddy of the Year to four kids that don’t belong to him so he’s a little too busy to help you out.

The best part about the job, however, is the awesome pay. Eleven whole dollars an hour! No, scratch that.  $11.01. And I can get a 33 cent raise in a year! Isn’t that awesome? I’m making a full dollar more per hour than my 19 year old niece and my 16 year old daughter. I am so glad I wasted four years of my life getting a college degree so I could work a job that will barely pay my bills.

I’m not sure why I’m so upset. I knew how much the job paid. I guess I figured if I had to work four days a week for peanuts that wouldn’t be so bad; I at least had a minimum of three days off per week. But now I’m looking at working five days a week for peanuts. Where do I find the time to fit in another job so that I can, you know, buy my kids clothing, food, yearbooks, school supplies, and all that other fun stuff?  If I’m working seven days a week their father may as well have custody of them. Not that he wants them, of course. And they definitely don’t want him. I didn’t have children so that I could never see them. The way things are looking I’m going to spend the rest of my life working, never spending a moment with them because I don’t get paid enough to ever take a fucking break.

Everyone says I can work my way up but work my way up from what? I’m not going to morph into a fucking neurosurgeon! I can’t do billing without an accounting degree. I’m not going to move into nursing without going back to school and honestly, I don’t want to be a nurse. It’s a great profession and the money is good, but I have no desire to be one. None. Plus there’s that little matter of not having any money to go back to school for a different degree. It just doesn’t seem like there is any way to move up. Next year I’ll be making a big whooping $11.33, and the year after that a little more than $11.66, and after three years I’ll be up over $12! That is really going to help my kids.

My daughter begins her senior year next year. Cousinfucker has fucked me over by leaving his job of 15 years and leaving behind tens of thousands of dollars in restricted stock behind. I have no idea how I’m going to pay for senior pictures, or senior announcements.  At one point, that point before my husband decided to go fuck his cousin, abandon us, and quit 2 jobs in 4 months, my daughter was going to have an amazing graduation party. I was planning on taking her to Hawaii or wherever else she might want to go for a gift. Now, there will be no gift. Period.  I won’t have it. I can’t afford to throw her a party; I don’t even think I’m going to be able to afford to take her out to dinner afterwards.  If she’s lucky she might get to pick something that isn’t on the Dollar Menu from McDonald’s for her big graduation dinner.  Even making my huge $11.33/hour after my annual raise I can’t afford anything after I’ve paid the bills and bought food. Hell, for all I know I’ll be working on her graduation day. Picasso graduates three years later so maybe by that time I’ll be able to take him to Chili’s or something like that. Probably not, though.

I hate my fucking life. I seriously do. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. It’s never going to get better.  Every time I start to become a little more positive something happens that knocks me down. I give up. I’ll just live in misery from here on out. I think that’s what Cousinfucker has wanted all along. He wanted me to be as miserable as he was but I kept looking on the bright side, kept trying to see the positive in everything. He moved me across the country and made me completely dependent upon him after I left everything behind for him. I left friends. I left social activities. I left volunteering opportunities. Now he has taken everything from me- my marriage, my financial security, my lifestyle, my independence, my retirement, my furniture, most of my possessions, my home, my future. Since his perfect little future with the whore and working alongside Blockhead didn’t work out for him I don’t think he’ll be satisfied until I’m dead.

Anybody Else Having This Problem?

Technical question here.  Is anybody else having a problem with WordPress being all wonky? I can publish articles but I can’t seem to save anything to drafts. It will begin to automatically save and then it freezes on that.  I’ve closed out the page several times and it seems like the first post will sometimes save, but anything after that is in perpetual save mode. Anybody else have this happen to them, and if so, what did you do?

That Time I Realized He Had Been Playing Me

It’s Thursday! We are going to take a day off from unpacking and head to the beach. In the meantime it is time for another TBT.

Blast From the Past 34

April 2014

I was going to post that I’ve been great this month. And I have. No triggers, even though we are entering the time they decided they were soul mates destined to be with one another. But I just realized posting about my last times that last year when I was doing Teacher Appreciation he was all, “Oh, baby, you work so hard. Great job! Oh my gosh, you mean there’s more than just one day? You’re amazing!” Son of a bitch- he was fucking around with the whore last year at the same time he was acting like he gave a shit about me and what I was doing. Now I’m pissed. I can handle someone being unloving and unaffectionate. I can’t handle someone pretending to give a damn, acting like they’re so amazed by me and my accomplishments, while they’re pledging their love to a skank ass whore, making me look like a fool. Son of a bitch!

How I Am

We’re settling in here. Boxes are slowly being unpacked. The kids both have their rooms unpacked and everything put away and fixed up just like they want it.  Picasso told my mom that he likes his room here even better than his old room, even though it’s smaller. Rock Star has said she likes her new room but she misses the size of her old one.

I don’t know how we’re going to fit everything into this house.  I swear most of what I packed up was pictures and clothes. I grabbed movies, puzzles and books by four of my favorite authors. The kids have their stuff, including furniture. I ended up bringing the magnolia painting with me. Aside from that the only furniture I brought was my jewelry armoire and my cedar chest. I was going to bring my sofa table but the person who bought our sectional really loved it and I finally caved and sold it. I also brought a pizza pan, a muffin pan, 2 baking dishes with lids, one big plastic bowl, my blender, my Keurig, some plastic utensils and other kitchen do dads, a few of our favorite mugs, even fewer cups, and a plate I made for my daughter years ago. For any of you wondering why I didn’t make one for my son, I did but he broke it before we moved the last time. I might have brought my brand new hand mixer that CF bought me our last Christmas together but I haven’t seen it so I’m not completely sure it made the move. I did bring some beach towels and aprons, plus my cookbooks. I’m still not sure where we’re going to put everything and I pared down to next to nothing!

I went to the store yesterday to grab some fruit and muffins; I almost broke down crying right in the store upon seeing some of their inspirational signs.  I had bought a few of mine there on trips back home and saw at least 2 that I had sold. I still have some rough moments. We’ve been walking the dogs along this crazy busy street and I realize that I’ve spent almost 20 years living on either quiet side streets or in subdivisions.

My dogs are eating all of my mom’s dog’s food. His bowl is still in the kitchen but my mom didn’t think there would be room for four food bowls and four water bowls so mine have theirs down in the utility room.  They don’t like going in there so now I have to chase them out of the kitchen constantly and in order to get them to eat I have to stand in the room with them. Delightful!

I worry about getting a job. I don’t just worry that I’ll be working for almost nothing and won’t be able to support my kids; I also worry that I won’t even get hired to begin with. It’s been 17 years since I’ve worked outside of the home. What the hell do I even put on a job application after all these years? It’s like I’m starting all over again with absolutely no job experience. Hooray!  Thank you, Cousinfucker, for waiting until I was almost 50 before you decided to go off and fuck your cousin.  It might have been ridiculously easy to get back into the work force if you had done this when I was 30 so thank you for providing me with this wonderful challenge.

I still need to register the kids for school. It’s only been two years since I’ve done this but for the life of me I couldn’t tell you what all I need to get them registered. I’m hoping I don’t need any kind of proof of address because I don’t have any mail yet and I obviously don’t have a deed or a lease agreement.

I’m pretty sure I’m going to court later this month. As those of you who have been following along at least since the beginning of June know, CF “lost” his job and let me know he wouldn’t be sending me anymore money. He did offer to let me throw him in jail so that was something. Actually, I believe what he said was something along the lines of, “I guess you’ll just throw me in jail now.” Anyway, my lawyer filed a motion to relieve me of paying the household bills and marital debt. Per our temporary support orders he would pay me and I in turn would pay all of the bills. Now with him no longer sending me anything I don’t really have a way to pay all of the bills. I’ve kept the utilities going and supported the kids but I couldn’t do everything the way I had been. According to his lawyer he will agree to everything in the motion; however, he wishes to suspend his support obligations until he either finds another job or receives disability. His lawyer’s reasoning is that if he is now paying all of the household bills he shouldn’t have to pay spousal support on top of that.

Now, first you need to know that he resigned from his current job; he did not get fired. This makes two jobs that he has quit in 6 months since agreeing to our temporary support order. When my lawyer passed along his lawyer’s comments I was nearing a nervous breakdown. I’m thinking that once again he’s screwing me over and after he gets out of paying spousal support he’s going to be fine; he’ll be off spending thousands every month. That seems to be his M.O. Any time a money issue comes up he retreats and has a mini breakdown.  Once the crisis is averted he’s fine.  He’s done it before when our house appraised at about 40k less than what we had refinanced it for only a year prior.  He was curled up in a ball in the bed all weekend, practically catatonic while I made phone calls and tried to make everything better.

When he thought I was going to leave him he ended up in a psych ward. His first words to my brother were, “Are you here to pack up my shit?” The irony here?  He wanted my brother to come visit.  I asked him if he wanted him to come down and he said yes!

Now these two idiots were spending money like they had a money tree growing out in their backyard. Once he had to write that check for the final pool payment and my half of the bonus check he suddenly found their bank account depleted. Suddenly they might have had to watch what they were spending instead of living it up. How do you keep your gold digging whore happy when she can’t spend willy nilly? I don’t think it’s a coincidence that he supposedly fell apart one month after he finally coughed up my half of the bonus check (once I got my lawyer involved) and two months before we could officially file for divorce. Many people say they believe he has a plan and it starts with getting his obligations suspended so he isn’t on the hook when we do a final settlement. That will also mean that I will have to track his ass down to find out whether or not he’s working.

After I send my attorney this rambling email where I’m explaining how I’m not sure I want to go along with this and give her all the reasons I don’t want to, she responds by telling me she wouldn’t suspend his obligations; if we do it gives him no incentive to get a job.  Plus, since he resigned it will be on him to prove that his “medical condition” makes it impossible for him to work. So I’m going with that which means I think we’ll be in court later this month so he can try to convince a judge that he shouldn’t have to pay me anything.

Can I just put a little plug in here for my lawyer before I go?  Obviously I’m not going to use her name but I’m so relieved I switched attorneys when I did.  I can’t imagine having to go through this with my former attorney. I’m fairly certain that at this point in the journey he would have told me that CF makes a really good point about the spousal support being suspended and he might have the judge’s ear and things might not go our way so we should probably agree to this. Then again, he was also the one that thought it would be a wash between what CF spent on the whore and what I transferred over from our joint accounts into my own account. When I told my new attorney that she was astounded. “No, it is not a wash! You spent that money on the household. He spent his on another woman. He should be reimbursing you for your half.”

That’s my life right now. Trying to fit my stuff into a house already stuffed full, worrying about finding a job, needing to register my kids for school, still crying, and probably headed to court. Cross your fingers, say a prayer, and/or send me positive vibes that the job search and court both go in my favor.

Memes That Make Me Happy

You should all know by now that memes make me happy. I thought I would share some of my favorites that make me laugh. Some make me think, at least for a minute. I didn’t create any of these so I can’t take credit.

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Not long ago my brother was advising me on what approach to take with CF. He tells me, “You need to be a mix between Mom and you when you’re normal.  Not the pissed off version of you.  You’re just crazy when you’re like that.  Don’t bring that one to the table.” I’m paraphrasing, of course, but I thought it was cute that my 6’4″ brother thinks I’m a scary person when I’m righteously pissed off. So take heed, CF! You are quickly pushing me to the breaking point and to quote David Banner, “You won’t like me when I’m angry.”

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I just liked this one.

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The freaking story of my life right now!

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That is so true.  That’s the way I felt about Jezebel and her, “I understand,” comments. No, you don’t understand.

The next few are my attempts at cheering myself up and looking towards the future. Some days they help; other days they piss me off. Nonetheless, I try to take them to heart and fully embrace the wisdom.

Have you had enough inspiration?  Yeah, me too.

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This one just made me laugh. As did the next one. I literally laughed out loud.

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I guess I have a morbid sense of humor some days.

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Definitely un-PC but I have seriously felt like the woman in the picture above.

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Hmmmm…. who could that be describing?

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Another un-PC meme but the way I’ve been feeling towards that jackass I married lately it fits my mood! Apologies to all my male readers.

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That accurately describes my feelings towards CF and Harley.

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I really struggle with this one.  It would be so easy to shut myself off forever. So many people urge me to date but I am just not ready. Hell, I’m not even officially divorced! At this point I don’t think I would even be good dating material, much less relationship material.

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Exactly!

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It is unfortunate that so many cheaters don’t realize either of the above. It’s unfortunate that so many people, period, don’t realize either of the above.  We want bells and whistles and fireworks and movie like romance. When that initial period of love and lust subsides some people think that means they’re no longer in love. But it’s a choice, folks. It’s “anyway” and “even though” and “in spite of”.  It’s what remains when the excitement fades and every day life becomes your reality. Love bombing feels great when it’s happening but it’s a ruse, people! It’s used to snare you before you recognize the great and powerful Oz is really just a man behind the curtain. Sometimes you spend a lifetime trying to get that love bomber back, but the sad truth is he (or she) never was that person.

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Just another something or two to make me laugh.  I need laughter these days.

The next four are things I try to remember while going through all of this, especially the last one.

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Remember that, CF. Better lace up those running shoes.

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CF’s definition of a bitch!

This is what CF, Jezebel, Harley and the whole lot of them will never understand.

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I’m talking to you, CF!

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Have you ever noticed a person is only described as a soul mate when they have done really egregious things to be together?

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This makes me smile because I had two black cats.  They were the best cats ever.  I loved them.  If I ever have another cat, which is doubtful, I would go with a black one in a heartbeat.

Finally, who can resist a cute puppy dressed in pajamas (or a onesie)?  It makes me smile every time I look at it.

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You Owe It To Your Children

I like Facebook. I believe I have recounted how it allows me to stay in contact with the various people I have met throughout my life. I’ve moved a lot, supporting CF’s climb up the ladder, and it’s a wonderful way to keep up with people I would have otherwise lost touch. Currently, I don’t post a whole lot on Facebook.  My first attorney advised me to keep most stuff off of there (I’m guessing he was speaking about divorce matters, not whether or not I went cherry picking or bought a new dress) and my life hasn’t exactly been a good kind of exciting lately so I don’t post a lot. I do, however, try to keep up with others.  I’m frequently wishing people a happy birthday or happy anniversary. I’m liking things and commenting. Anyway, I came across a post yesterday that really stuck in my craw. It was from someone I went to elementary school with before my parents divorced and we moved.

The post was giving a shout out to her ex and his family for hosting a going away party for their shared son. That part was fine. But she goes on to say that the best gift you can give your children after a divorce is to “get along” with the other parent and their spouse. She also adds in how sad it makes her when people don’t remember the positives from their relationship, despite the blessings that resulted from them (i.e. the children). She warns that your children will remember how you handled the early years and that you will see this person many times over the coming years- graduations, weddings, births, birthday parties…

Some of the comments were just as infuriating. One person said that the best attitude is to realize that it’s not a “broken” home it’s only a “change” in living arrangements. Another said that even as they negotiate this “new change” in their relationship that they continue to be family. Someone else said she always feels sorry for the kids caught between fighting parents and that her friend feels whenever she puts her child’s father down she is putting the child down as well.

I haven’t replied to any of this because I don’t think my comments would be very helpful; it is obvious to see that many people think this is a wonderful thing and fully support the whole “let’s be buddies for the sake of our kids” philosophy. If I did reply I think it would go a little like this: I think the best gift you can give to your kids is to love their mother or father and not get a divorce. I suppose getting along would be the next best thing you could do for your kids but sometimes that is not possible, especially when dealing with adultery, abandonment, addiction, and/or abuse.

I will be honest. I’ve always wondered if two people were able to get along so well “for the sake of the children” why they couldn’t make their marriage work. If you’re going to hold joint birthday parties and graduation parties, go out to dinner, vacation together, hang out with one another, why not cut out the middleman and just stay married? Perhaps these are the divorces that so-called conservative Christians rail against, the ones where someone is simply not happy or they have fallen out of love or it’s just not exciting or “working” anymore (Oh, believe me, I’ve got a separate post coming about that very thing.). I suppose if my husband had come to me and said, “Sam, this isn’t working anymore; we’re both miserable. I want out,” and we had divorced with no other parties involved, I might feel a little more generous. I might be willing to put aside my hurt and go out to dinner with him and the kids to show them that “we’re still family!”. Might. Not a definite.

Unfortunately, sometimes it’s just not possible. I’m thinking of the woman who had a gun shoved in her face when she tried to leave. That man will never be welcome in her home.  He’s not even welcome to know anything about her. I’m thinking about the person whose husband left with his cup of hot coffee still sitting on the counter, abandoning her and their two small children to go live with his stripper girlfriend on the other side of the country. I doubt she wants to discuss party arrangements with him. I’m thinking about the man who had to pay alimony to his cheating wife and had to fight for 50/50 custody of his kids. I don’t see him and the ex sitting together at school functions. Ultimately, I’m thinking about me.

My husband has done his level best to destroy our lives. He started out by moving us across the country and uprooting us from lives that we loved- all of us! Our kids were happy where we were.  I was happy.  The only person not happy was him. So we moved.  To make him happy. And then once we began to adjust and adapt to our new lives he threw a grenade right into our laps.  Surprise!  I’m fucking my cousin! If that’s not bad enough he moves out of the damn state he moved us to without saying a word to even his children. And now… well, this has been the best trick of them all. He resigned from yet another job and isn’t paying a dime in child or spousal support, forcing us to move another 600 miles, forcing us to leave our home and move in with my mother. I swear to God, I think if the man thought he could get away with killing me he would.

He has lied; he has handed over thousands of dollars to the whore. While lying to me, of course. He has abandoned his children. I assure you he is not the type of person with whom I want to celebrate anything. He isn’t welcome in my home; he isn’t welcome in my life. Remaining friends with him would be akin to someone kidnapping one of my kids and then wanting to stay in touch with us after they were apprehended.  Not gonna happen! Don’t betray me, stab me in the back and fuck me over and then act all shocked when I have no desire to remain friends with you.

The best attitude is to realize that it’s not a “broken” home it’s only a “change” in living arrangements? Oh, you are closer than you think, Mr. Commenter.  Yeah, my kids have definitely experienced a change in living arrangements. Their dear old dad has blown up their lives spectacularly once again and their living arrangements are now 600 miles from where they were living. Their original home is definitely broken. I do a damn fine job of raising and loving these kids, but I never intended to be a single parent. I waited until I was married to have children for a reason; I fully intended to raise these children in an intact home with my husband. Their lives as they knew them are over.

And you?  The person who believes that despite your divorce, this new change in your relationship as you call it, you are still family with the ex?  Yes, you!  You are not family anymore.  Divorce ends families; it doesn’t create them or make them better. Please don’t get me wrong.  I think you can probably end up with a much better situation overall in certain cases, but to act as though divorce is some wonderful thing is just, well, just ridiculous. You and your ex are no longer related.  You are no longer family. You may certainly choose to spend copious amounts of time with a lying, cheating sonofabitch if you wish, but you don’t have to. And if your ex isn’t a lying, cheating sonofabitch, well maybe that right there is why you don’t have a problem hanging around with him.

To the person who thinks it’s so sad when kids are caught between fighting parents: I agree that if the parents really are forcing the kids to choose sides or preventing a relationship with the other parent that is terrible.  However, not every child is in that situation and just because mommy and daddy don’t have joint birthday parties and sit next to each other at ball games doesn’t mean that little Emily or little Aiden will be psychologically damaged. Again, divorce ends families.  If you’re so worried about Emily or Aiden and their need to see their parents getting along try not getting a fucking divorce! That might help.

And as for your friend who feels that if she ever puts her child’s father down she is putting him down? Get a grip! Your spouse and your child do not morph into the same person because they share half of their DNA. In my case my husband is a lying, cheating, cousin fucking, jobless waste of skin who is constantly playing the victim card and really expects people to feel sorry for him. He is what he is. My denying that reality doesn’t protect my kids. Accepting that reality doesn’t mean that I think either of my kids are lying, cheating, cousin fucking, jobless wastes of skin who are constantly playing the victim card and really expect people to feel sorry for them. Believe it or not, they are actually two separate people from me and their father!

I will say I don’t think it’s a good idea to tear down your child’s other parent. I also don’t feel that a person does anything wrong by telling the truth, even if the truth isn’t always flattering. I think there is a big difference between, “You know that your mother does not accept any differences in opinion,” or “You are obviously aware that your father has difficulty with the truth,” and “Your mom is a lying, cheating whore and she’s fucked the entire neighborhood.  She never wanted you and I had to promise her I would take care of you so she wouldn’t place you for adoption!” or “Your dad is a horrible person who has never loved you! He walked away without a moment of regret. He’s replacing you with the whore and her kids and don’t you ever forget that!”

As for the milestones- the graduations, weddings, births, grandchildren’s birthday parties… In my case I don’t think I will even have to worry about it. But even if I thought he’d be around it’s not necessary to celebrate those occasions “with” him. I can attend a graduation without ever setting eyes on him. I’m sure there will be lots of people at their graduations that I don’t ever see. Why make an exception for him? The actual graduation party? Eh, that might be a little more difficult but I bet I could throw a party for either kid and not ever interact with him or anyone in his family if they bothered to show up. It wouldn’t even be awkward; it would simply be the way things worked out what with me being so busy and tending to other guests (you know, the ones I actually like and want to see). Weddings? If he’s there I’ll deal with it but I don’t see a need to speak to him.  I don’t have to sit with him and we won’t be taking pictures together. I’m almost positive neither of my kids are going to want a picture with us together. He kind of ruined that with the whole “cheating on their mom” thing. I don’t foresee us needing to eat the wedding meal together so hooray for separate tables. We won’t be dancing together. There is absolutely nothing that the parents of the bride (or groom) are expected to do together. Birth of the grandchildren should I be so lucky? I’ll just come when he’s not there.  Easy peasy. The only one that might be tricky would be grandkids’ birthday parties but I’m fairly certain I could find plenty of people to interact with instead of trying to act all chummy with him.

Finally, this idea that the best gift I can give my kids includes getting along with his new spouse is hilarious! That whore is not welcome anywhere around me or my children. Period. If, one day, my kids decide they want to give her a chance, fine. I hope they are both wise enough to realize that I will never give her a chance.  I will never be friends with her. I will never be gracious to her. I will never go out of my way to make her feel comfortable. I will never co-host a shower or any kind of event with her. I will never ask her opinion on any such matters. That bitch had better be satisfied with me not trying to shank her at the graduation ceremony!

I think it’s a lovely idea my friend has; I just don’t think it works for too many people. I think whenever you’re dealing with what I like to call The Four Big A’s- Addiction, Adultery, Abuse, Abandonment, you are dealing with many complicated issues that go far beyond slapping a smile on your face and pretending that everything is okay, as though sitting side by side at a graduation is going to make everything all better. I also think this push to be friendly and to put aside all of our differences for the sake of the children is hurtful to all of us out there who have been traumatized and/or victimized by our exes. Maybe it’s easy for me to say that because I know how my kids feel about their dad right now. Maybe I would feel differently if they felt differently towards him. Maybe not. I don’t believe that cheaters are entitled to your forgiveness or to your friendship after a divorce.

The Problem With Positive Triggers

I am busy unpacking, folks. I’ve been in the middle of writing a great blog post for about a week now.  I just can’t seem to find the time to get it done.  Maybe later on tonight. For today though we’re going to take another walk down memory lane.

Blast From the Past 33

April 2014

I was reading about positive triggers, things that should be a good thing but which instead make you feel bad. I get it. My husband tells me often how much he loves me, how good I look, how much I turn him on, how I’m his entire world, the only thing that is good, how good I am to him, how wonderful I am and how he could never keep up with me or do everything I do. These should all be good things but I sometimes wonder if he’s telling the truth. Or I wonder, “Why now? Why am I so fantastic now when only months earlier he was telling his sister how miserable I made him, how our marriage was dead and how Harley made him happy and he was in love with her and he wanted to marry her?” Did he always feel that way about me and we just let our relationship fall apart, or does he suddenly have a new appreciation for me since I told him he needed to choose because I wasn’t going to be jerked around anymore?

And those questions beget more questions. Like, why on earth did I even allow him to choose? Why didn’t I just tell him the choice had been made and since he was so in love with his whore he could have her? I don’t know. I guess because I didn’t want to get a divorce. I didn’t want to be a statistic and I didn’t want to destroy my kid’s lives. And honestly, things are good now.

It makes me realize though that even if I wanted to go back to his home state with him, I couldn’t. It would be far too humiliating. All those people, knowing he cheated on me with her. Thinking I’m weak and pathetic for staying with my cheating husband. Wondering what was wrong with me or what I did to cause him to stray. Knowing they all love her and think she’s wonderful, and probably would prefer him being with her instead of me.

I’ve said before I don’t think his sister really supports him staying with me. She decides she’s unhappy, finds her next husband, has an affair with him, divorces her current husband, and then gushes about finding her soul mate and her best friend. She doesn’t understand having an affair for any reason other than to get out of your marriage. Well, maybe one other reason. Nonetheless, it must have been very confusing to her, having her brother go on and on about finding true happiness with his new soul mate, thinking I was on my way out, and then he does a 180. I’ll always believe she thinks he simply got cold feet when the truth came out and that he chose duty over true love. Or in simpler terms, while she believes you should do what makes you happy instead of worrying about doing what’s right, she thinks he chose to do what he thought was right instead of what would make him happy.

Maybe she is correct. Maybe he chose honor and duty over love. Maybe he chose his children over his soul mate. If he did he seems to be making the best of it. He’s fairly convincing when he tells me he loves me and that I’m his world. Then again, he did spend 3 1/2 months lying to me and I didn’t know.

Editor’s Note: I still have the texts that flew back and forth between us after he was caught the first time; I printed them out and they are all there in black and white.  Man, he is convincing when he tells me I am his first choice and that he made a horrible mistake.  I think it’s pretty apparent though that he stayed out of duty, and possibly not wanting to divide up his shit. You don’t run back to the whore you almost destroyed your marriage for at the first sign of trouble if she wasn’t the one you wanted all along.

I would say I was an idiot, but I’m going to go with: I gave it my best shot. I did everything I could to preserve my marriage and my kids’ way of life. What happened after that is all on him.