More Hoops

Argh! I am so sick of jumping through hoops! I know I need to just do what needs to be done and stop thinking thoughts like, “It’s not fair that Jackass is off fucking a whore while I’m left to run around in circles for our kids,” or “Why doesn’t he get his ass up here and do some of the work?” I know he’s never been held accountable and it’s nothing he would even think of needing to do.

Nonetheless let me tell you how I spent my afternoon. I called and called and called to talk to someone in the athletic department. I finally convinced Rock Star to try out for cheerleading so she brought home this packet that needs to be filled out; she also needs a physical.

Well, she has already had a physical. She got one back in May in our former state, in anticipation of competing in cheerleading and gymnastics this year at her old high school. I called to see if that would be sufficient. It’s recent. It’s a school sports physical.

But no! They need one from this state! And they only do physicals through the high school at the end of the school year. So all you kids who transfer from out of state and especially all of you kids who may have had to transfer and been left destitute by your dad so you have no health insurance and no primary care physician, no sports for you!

I told the person I spoke to that we didn’t have insurance and we didn’t have a primary care physician so she suggested either having a doctor here transfer the information onto this state’s form, or to go to one of the urgent care centers. Naturally they can’t transfer the information. That would be too simple. I was pleasantly surprised to find out a sports physical even through the urgent care center was only $25 so I grabbed her after school and off we went. She wasn’t happy because she was hungry, but it was taken care of relatively quickly.

Just one more hoop through which I must jump. Meanwhile, I understand Cousinfucker and the whore are headed towards my house once again to load up more stuff. Yeah, that parenting stuff is hard. Best to let me handle it all.

After handling the physical debacle I also spent considerable time on the phone trying to track down her immunizations to see if she does indeed need to get two shots, or only one. Yep, she’s got to get two of them. Well, that sucks!

Tonight I am off once again to bartend. It’s a small gig, only two hours. I had fun doing it last Saturday and I’m doing it again tomorrow evening. I need to go get ready. Have a great weekend!

Fall 2016 Review

I thought I’d shake things up a bit and review the new TV shows I’ve seen so far. I took a review writing class in college and I’m pretty sure I got an A in it so I kinda know what I’m doing. I do remember the instructor telling me I needed to “prune” because I was very wordy. Guess what, lady? This is my blog and I’ll be as wordy as I wanna be! Be prepared; I watch almost all of the first episodes and decide whether or not to continue from there.

First up is Bull on CBS. It stars Michael Weatherly and is loosely based on Dr. Phil’s earlier career as a jury consultant. Now, I’ve only seen one episode so far but I liked it. If you’re not a fan of the procedural it probably won’t be your cup of tea. It’s always hard to tell with first episodes though because you see the previews so many times and they always seem to contain the best lines. I’m going to continue to give it a try. Should I rate these? Oh why not? I’ll give it an 8/10.

I’ve watched 2 1/2 episodes of NBC’s The Good Place, starring Kristen Bell. For those of you who don’t know it’s about a woman who dies and ends up in “the good place” by mistake. I’m a fan of comedies and I really liked this one. For some reason the DVR didn’t record the pilot episode, which was actually 2 back to back episodes. I watched the second half of the second episode, caught the pilot on a later showing, and saw the third episode this week. All in all I think it’s pretty funny. I like Kristen Bell’s character and the supporting cast and I’ve been liking the twists. I especially like her version of cussing since apparently you’re not able to do so in Heaven. What a bench! I’ll give it a 9/10.

One of the most talked about series this fall is This Is Us also over on NBC. I wasn’t all that impressed with the previews but watched it anyway due to all the hype. I heard other people raving about it, saying they cried even. I thought it was an okay show. It didn’t make me cry. Mostly I thought it was blah. Not so horrible you wanted to tune out but also not so spectacular that you’re thinking, “Wow! I can hardly wait until next week!” Neat twist at the end; I’ll give them that. I’m not sure how they’re going to sustain the story though. It did have a few moments that made me laugh so I’ll watch again but I have a feeling this one isn’t going to be on my DVR much longer. I’ll give it a 5/10. There’s nothing wrong with it but I wasn’t enamored by it.

I really liked the new comedy Speechless over on ABC. It stars Minnie Driver as a mom fighting for her son with special needs. I didn’t think I was going to watch it but it got good reviews so I decided to give it a shot. I’m already watching the other three comedies on that night so what the hell? I thought the first episode was really funny; Minnie Driver’s character is a trip and I loved the older cop counseling the younger cop: Nope! Not worth it. I was impressed by all three of the kids. I’m glad I gave it a chance. I will give it a 9/10 as well.

Also on ABC on Wednesday night is Designated Survivor starring Kiefer Sutherland. I was looking forward to this one probably more than any of the others for some reason. I think it’s a fascinating concept. It took off straight out of the gate with plenty of action. I’m looking forward to seeing more. There were a few parts that dragged (the First Son comes to mind) so I’m going to give it an 8/10. Update: I just watched the second episode and I’m going to up that score to a 9/10. I always love the underdog that ends up surprising everyone. The second episode was also fairly fast paced and didn’t give us too much of the First Kids which was nice. Is anyone else wondering why there’s like a 10-year age gap between the kids? I know it happens in real life sometimes but it almost seems like they crafted the little girl to showcase her cuteness and then gave us the teen boy to gin up some teen angst controversy (like selling drugs). I could do without the whole FBI angle, or at least speed that storyline up!

I decided to give MacGyver over on CBS a shot. I don’t know why. I didn’t watch the original. Was that the 90s when it was on? I easily figured out the original plot twist. How? Easy. There are just certain things you don’t do on MacGyver and that was one of them; therefore, I was easily able to foresee the twist. I will say the ending was a nice little surprise. Ah, the student becomes the master. Interesting. I did find parts funny. I’m not sure if I’ll keep watching it or not. I’ll award it a 5/10. If nothing else is on I might watch it. I’ll give it one more shot but if it doesn’t impress it’s off the DVR.

I LOVED Lethal Weapon over on Fox. I think Clayne Crawford is a total hottie and I love the accent. Then again I’m a sucker for a southern accent. I wasn’t going to watch this. Why bother watching a ripoff of a popular yet very old movie franchise? What could they possibly do? They did everything! I thought it was funny and heartbreaking at the same time. Riggs’s grief over losing his wife is palpable. I loved the chemistry between him and Damon Wayans. I’m glad I gave it a chance because I will definitely be watching again. I’ll give this one a 10/10 just because I went in expecting nothing and I ended up loving it.

On the other end of the spectrum is The Exorcist, also on Fox. I (sort of) like a scary show. Granted, I have to watch during the day because I’m a big ol’ baby but nonetheless… I was really disappointed with this one. I thought it moved very slowly. It did pick up towards the end and, here’s that word again, I was pleasantly surprised by the twist at the end. I hope I’m not giving anything away (SPOILER ALERT) by saying you think one person is possessed and it ends up being someone else. Nicely done! I will give it another try but for now I’m giving it a 2/10.

And thus concludes my Fall Tv Review, at least for now. There are still several shows yet to premiere. Maybe I’ll come back and let you know how I liked those.

Suspicion Rears Its Ugly Head

Blast From the Past 52

June 2014

I’m debating making this public. Right now I’m keeping it friends only, and I have no friends on this page so that makes this private. Maybe I’ll decide to make it public one day.

First, there is a part of me that wonders if they are fucking around again. I said in one of my entries that she wasn’t posting profiles of herself anymore. It was either a shot of her from an odd angle or it was a picture of her kids or pets. At the time I wondered if her habit of posting a new profile pic every two weeks or so was her little gift to Zack, a way of constantly being in his face. Look at me! Tell me I’m pretty! Now she is posting pictures of herself again. This last one, which is a picture of only her, was posted only after she restricted me. So, it makes me wonder if she’s fucking around with my husband again or if maybe she has a new victim. Ah, yes, St. Harley, the patron saint of whores. Cheating on her husband once again. Hey, maybe Zack wasn’t her first affair. She fucks around. Her husband, knowing she is his meal ticket, contacts the wife, gets the affair killed. Harley goes back to being a somewhat devoted, or at least appreciative, wife. Then the cycle starts again. It would not surprise me one bit.

Secondly, it always amazes me how utterly clueless everyone in Zack’s family is. Do they not realize she never said a word to them until I found out about the affair and Zack dumped her? Nada. I went back on the computer and looked. The only person she had any contact with during the affair was Jezebel. And I’m convinced the only reason she was in contact with her was because she knew that Jezebel knew, approved, supported, and encouraged it. Jezebel was in her corner, telling Zack that he should do whatever made him happy. At that time he thought Harley made him happy. So she was actively encouraging him to leave me and go be with her.

Pastor Fake, or perhaps it was Tammy Faye using Pastor Fake’s page, would comment on her profile pictures, like her pictures. Harley never replied in kind. Never commented.

I’m not even sure she was friends with Pastor Fake’s sister or niece before. But now she’s buying fundraising items from the niece’s kid and constantly commenting on her pictures. There was nothing before the affair and D – Day.

Folks, she’s playing you. She knows it’s painful for me to watch Zack’s family gush over his whore and so she does it. Maybe she’s so damn manipulative she figured she couldn’t hurt Zack directly so she’d do it indirectly by screwing up family relationships. That would hurt him because it would never be possible for him to be with his full family again. Maybe she even figured on hurting them to get to him. I think that one is more of a stretch. I think she just wanted to hurt me.

There’s a tiny part of me (like really tiny, the size of an atom maybe) that says don’t let her win. Get back in there and show that bitch you can’t be chased off. She can Facebook them all she wants but in the end you’ll be the one around them. You’ll be the one bringing the kids to them. You’ll be the one spending holidays with them. You’ll be the one actually spending time with them and creating memories. You will be the one to have a real life with them while she tries to jab at you from the sidelines of Facebook. You are reality and she is, once again, just fantasy.

I wish I could listen to that little atom but I can’t. Because none of those things matter. I was already the one that was there, bringing the kids to them, spending time with them, writing out checks for them, visiting in the hospital, spending holidays with them, driving great distances to be with them, making memories with them. Harley was already the fantasy. To my knowledge they haven’t seen her in over twenty years. She doesn’t visit. She doesn’t loan (give) them money. She’s not spending holidays with them or making memories. And yet his sister still encouraged my husband to leave me for that whore. His parents know he fucked around with her yet still continue to maintain a relationship with her. I don’t think I can forgive that. I need to distance myself for my own sanity.

He has already cheated on me once. What’s to stop him from doing it again? And then I watch as “my family” turns their backs on me once again and embraces the whore he has brought into their lives.

It’s truly not about revenge. It’s about me protecting myself from people who will never show me any loyalty despite everything I’ve done for them over the last twenty years. I am not a separate entity from Zack. I’m an extension of him and if he says I’m gone then I’m gone.
Added two days later: Her last profile picture, the one with her daughter, she posted on June 8th. So this new profile pic, one of her alone, was obviously posted soon after we bought the house. I’m not liking this. I find it highly suspicious. Way too much of a coincidence for my comfort, even if he is gushing over me.

Present Day Sam Says: Super Spy Sam on the job! I was so busy spackling I tossed aside any hints that all might not be right in my world. I was deaf, dumb, and blind. Because I wanted to be. Because it was convenient. Again, I have no idea if they were already up to their old tricks or not. I don’t care. I just look back on this and think, “Oh, Sam! You should have ran as fast as you could. This was never going to end well for you.”

Everything I knew about her came true. All my predictions… came true. Yep, discarded like yesterday’s trash by everyone once he tossed me aside. I need to go find a brick wall upon which I can bang my head!

Dating, Part Deux

One of the things Cousinfucker wrote to me in a text shortly after I discovered his extracurricular activities was that we weren’t good together. Being apart would somehow make me whole and we were better off finding new partners.

Yes, thank you for being such a prince.  Hey, quick question.  If you were so damned concerned about us *both* ending up with new partners why didn’t you let me go first? Or at least let me know we were at that point in our marriage where we were dating other people? I don’t think it’s fair that you got engaged before you even let me know we were seeing other people.

This is the part about divorce and dating that I despise. Everyone tells me I’ll find someone else, or that eventually I’ll date again. His family has that whole, “You deserve to be happy,” bullshit going on.  I’m sure they have all convinced themselves that everything will work out just swell once we’re divorced and happily paired up with someone new. But here’s the thing: I don’t think divorce is about going out and finding yourself someone new. Divorce is about ending a relationship, a marriage. It’s not supposed to be about finding your happiness or switching out one spouse for another.

My husband cheated. That’s what ended our relationship.  It may not have been the best relationship ever; it may not have been anything that the majority of people would have wanted for themselves.  It was, however, mine. When I found out what was going on and made the decision to consult an attorney I wasn’t thinking, “Wow! Now I get a chance to date that cute guy I saw at the supermarket!” No, I was thinking more along the lines of, “Oh my God- we just bought this house! How are we going to sell it? We will lose our asses on this! We spent thousands on new furniture. For what?  We just bought a new car; we deliberately took out the longest loan with the smallest payments with the plan of paying it off in large chunks with his annual bonus. Now what am I going to do? We cashed in stock and used savings to put a pool in our backyard. Why would you install a pool when you’re just going to leave me and force us out of this house? What the hell am I going to do? What’s going to happen to the kids? Are we going to have to move and leave all of this behind? My daughter loves it here! How can I uproot her again?” See? Nothing about a new hunky boyfriend. Those thoughts were closely followed by several other questions.  “How could you be so stupid? How could you have been so blind? How could you possibly have trusted him to the point where you let yourself be completely financially dependent on him? How is it possible you were with him for over 20 years and didn’t foresee him betraying you so horribly? Why on earth did you ever forgive him for the initial emotional affair? How did you not know he was lying to you? Why were you so stupid as to move across the country for him, taking away everything your kids loved, knowing the whore would be closer?”  Those were the things I was thinking.

While I don’t take responsibility for Cousinfucker having an affair I know there are things I need to work on before I ever even think about getting involved with someone again.  Things like speaking up, not taking any shit, and figuring out how I made such a colossal mistake in marrying him.

Seriously! I put my faith in someone and I was so wrong to trust him. I wasted twenty years of my life, probably my best years, on him. How can I ever trust myself again? I thought I picked someone that was the complete opposite of my father. I thought I picked someone who would be loyal and faithful. I was with him for over twenty years and he discarded me like yesterday’s trash. How do I know I won’t choose someone like that again? I can’t imagine going through this again twenty years from now. Or ten. Or five. Or one.

I look at Jezebel and imagine the advice she has given CF. I believe I have recounted many times how she never leaves until she has a new husband lined up. How do you learn anything that way? It’s apparent she doesn’t learn anything because after cheating on her first husband and blowing up her marriage for Husband #2, she turned around and did the exact same thing to Husband #2. Husband #1 wasn’t a strong enough personality for her; he gave in to her too much. She needed someone with a strong personality, someone who could match her and wouldn’t cater to her.  She didn’t communicate well with Husband #1 but she and Husband #2 texted and talked all the time. They were very best friends.  They did everything together.  Until they didn’t. Once the bloom was off that rose Jezebel didn’t try to fertilize that rosebush. Oh no! She found yet another husband. Now Husband #3 is her soul mate, her very best friend. Sorry, folks, but I’m taking bets that this marriage won’t last much past the ten year mark.  She’ll get tired of the lifestyle she has created and decide she wants something else and/or Husband #3 will finally be exhausted catering to her every whim and making sure she feels like the most special woman on the whole wide planet.

I don’t write this because I want people to blow sunshine up my ass and tell me I’ll find someone, or I’ll improve my picker, or that one bad marriage shouldn’t ruin men for me. I am dead serious when I say I have no desire to date. The thought makes me nauseous and sends me into a panic. I haven’t had sex in over a year and I can honestly say I don’t miss it. Even the idea of it isn’t appealing to me. Honestly, it probably has more to do with my own body issues than anything else. I was thinner and curvy with no stretch marks or belly the last time I dated. Now it’s a whole new ballgame and I don’t want to play. I have looked at some seriously good looking men (mostly on the TV or movie screen) and I think, “Mmm, he looks yummy.” Then I try to imagine being intimate with him and I just can’t do it. I start thinking, “Hmmm, that’s awkward. This all seems a little ridiculous. Plus, he’s going to see my flab.  Who wants to look at that crap?”

Maybe it is all due to him. I don’t mean to be cruel but he never really rocked my world. And I got so used to doing everything by myself that I don’t really need a partner. Re-reading this makes that sound bad! I don’t mean masturbation! I’m talking about social activities when I say I got used to doing everything by myself. This hasn’t been a year long situation, or even a five year long situation.  This is something that has gone on for probably a good fifteen or sixteen years. He rarely helped with the kids. I don’t remember him ever taking any of the dogs out for a walk whenever we didn’t have a fenced in backyard (hence the infamous, “How do you get the dog to poop in the bag?” comment). I remember Pastor Fake offering to help me with a diaper bag and me declining because, as I explained, “I don’t want to get used to having help and then have to go back to doing it all on my own.”

Overall, I think it’s just pointless. Not that he’s paying me anything right now, but should I move in with or marry someone he gets out of paying spousal support. We’ve already established that I’m not a good judge of character. The guy I was married to for two decades tossed me aside in favor of his cousin so what assurance do I have that this fictitious new guy won’t do the exact same thing?  Well, maybe not with his cousin… Only now this time not only am I getting a divorce but also I’ve lost my spousal support and I’m now living in a state that doesn’t award it.

This ends up circling back around to that whole “not speaking up” and “taking too much of his shit.” If this relationship ends in divorce (or simply moving out in the case we simply lived together) I’ve lost this new love and I’ve lost the security (hahahaha) of my spousal support. This means I’m going to be much more likely to put up with more shit from someone because I will be more dependent on him. Which leads me to yet another point in why I don’t want to date.

I refuse to ever be financially dependent upon another man again. I will never let someone else’s standard of living become mine if I can’t keep that up on my own. Seriously, most married people combine their incomes. If one spouse is making $50k and the other spouse is making $100K they live on $150k. Even if they make equal amounts- $50k and $50k- they generally combine their incomes and become a $100k income family. Nope! Never again. I’m looking at just over $20k for myself. I’m not combining my income with some high earner (or even a low earner!) and readjusting my life again. I don’t want to remarry and move into a charming new home, maybe have a boat and a summer cottage (hey, why not dream big, right?) and then lose it all once again when he decides he’d like to go off and fuck someone else. I’ve already had to sell off all my furniture and household possessions and leave my home. I have no desire to ever have to do that again, and the best way to prevent that is to just not put myself in that situation. I don’t want to remarry and be able to buy my kids whatever they want and need, be able to get manicures and pedicures, be able to take vacations, and then have that ripped away when he decides he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. I also don’t see someone making good money saying, “Oh, you want to live in a shack, Sam, so that you are confident you can make the mortgage if I leave?  Sure! Oh, we’re going to live a life of poverty so that you don’t get used to living a nice lifestyle again only to have it yanked out from under you? Sounds great.  Very reasonable!” No, if I move in with/marry someone who is making good money I’m sure he’d like to live like he’s making good money, not like he, too, gave up the best years of his income earning potential to follow someone around the country and raise her children. So that won’t work.

I realize not all men are cheaters. But I’m also wise enough to know that I can’t tell the cheaters apart from the non-cheaters. Remember, I thought I married someone who would be loyal and honorable, someone who would never cheat on me. This was a guy who supposedly read encyclopedias on the weekend. This was a guy whose mother and sister thought he would never get married because he was so antisocial.

If you look at previous relationships you’ll find cheaters permeate my history and when they weren’t cheating on me they were emotionally abusing me. I do not have a good track record. I’m not sure age has improved my picker any. If anything I think it has screwed it up even more.

I know I keep skipping over just dating and hop right on over to remarriage or moving in together. I’m really getting ahead of myself and yet I still associate dating with marriage. Honestly though, are there a lot of men out there that would like a long-term monogamous relationship that won’t result in marriage or living together? I’m very curious about this. I tend to think not, but perhaps a lot of men would find this ideal. I don’t know. I don’t date so I haven’t asked. But, if you want to put marriage on the back burner and talk casual dating I have a few problems with that, too.

First, I have no desire to deal with the rejection. This is huge for me. Obviously I’m no longer young and perky. I have kids. I have no job (or perhaps will one day have a very low paying job). You kiss a lot of frogs, and truth be told, sometimes you marry one! Oh! Besides all of that the fact is CF is apparently blissfully happy with Harley, fake breakdown notwithstanding. It would kill me to constantly be rejected while he lives out his little fantasy life with Harley the Whore. I remember Rock Star telling me, “Mom, if you ever left Dad he would be alone for the rest of his life.” Oh sweet child, if only that were so. No, it’s your mama that’s going to be alone for the rest of her life while your dad basks in his new relationship.

Second, I don’t want to worry about kissing someone at the end of a date. What do you do nowadays? Do you shake hands, give each other a hug, give a peck on the cheek? Seriously! It’s been years since I’ve dated. I don’t know what goes on now.

I have no desire to play games. I don’t wish to make small talk. I don’t want to explain my life story to someone who I may or may not ever see again. I do not need a person with a penis to accompany me to dinner, or to the movies, or anywhere really.  I have friends. I can go with them.

Plus, dating at this age is weird. I’m 47; I’d like to think I look younger than I am. My daughter tells me I do but she may be blowing smoke up my ass to get stuff. It seems like so many men my age look so much older. I have heard that men my age also want to date women that are younger. I don’t want to date men in their 60s. I’m sure they’re delightful and that when I’m 60 I’ll think 60 year old men are an absolute catch. But right now? No, not looking for someone 15-20 years older. I’m also thinking that in my current state (not thin, no job, 2 teenagers) I’m not going to be attracting the men in their 20s and 30s. I wouldn’t want them anyway because I’m done raising children but it’s not even an option for me.

Then we have the issue of kids. I realize this is an issue only if things get serious, but my guideline is along the lines of: If this would be a deal breaker in a serious relationship then there’s no point in even going out with this guy. Look at me acting like I have guidelines and actually date! That’s so cute. Because I don’t date. I don’t intend to ever date. But if I did, do I date a guy who has kids or not?

If you’re playing the odds chances are the majority of men around my age are going to have kids. If they don’t, would they even want to be around mine? I would think that if you choose to remain child free you wouldn’t want to date a woman with kids. I have heard of it happening though.

If kids aren’t a deal breaker then the question becomes, do you date a man whose kids are younger, older, or the same age as your own?

If his are older, maybe he doesn’t want to date someone with kids that are younger because he doesn’t want to have to deal with any of those issues. Sorry, I can’t meet you tonight. I have to pick up a kid. Oops, school function tonight! Raising kids is time consuming. I think it’s very possible that once a person has done it once they’re pretty much done. They would prefer a partner who is as free as they are. They probably want someone who can travel with them, take off for the weekend with them, go out on a minute’s notice.

If they’re the same age maybe the kids won’t get along. If the unthinkable happens and I move in with someone maybe he’ll parent one way and I’ll parent another and he’ll think I’m doing it wrong and expect me to conform to his way. And since I’ve given up spousal support (hahahaha, oh don’t make me laugh!) maybe I’ll be a pushover and cave. Then my children will hate me. Maybe he really is doing it all kinds of wrong and his kids annoy me beyond belief. That would be horrible. Not just for me, though. For the kids, too. Maybe his kids would just outright hate me for no reason. Or my kids could hate him for no reason. To be fair, that could happen with kids of any age.

What if they’re younger? As you know I watch a lot of ID TV, and I’ve read a lot of debates on parenting/step-parents forums. I don’t mean to generalize but it seems like frequently when men remarry or get a serious girlfriend they tend to hand over the parenting tasks to the new woman. Note: Men, don’t do this. Do not sell yourselves short. You can do this. You don’t need a woman to take care of your kids. You can do it all on your own; you do not need a vagina to be an effective parent. I’ve seen my brother do this. I’ve seen other men in real life do this. A lot of men on ID TV do this. I like kids. I enjoy being around them. I think they’re funny and interesting.  I’ll play games with them. I’ll take them to the movies and to the play areas and out shopping. I’ll let them paint my nails and tell me stories and do my hair and feed me food they’ve fixed for me.  I’ll even watch their cartoons with them (I’m seriously out of date with the current cartoon characters). With that said I’m so glad I no longer have to help make Valentine boxes for kids, or make cupcakes for class parties, or volunteer to be room mom. I’m done with most of the grunt work. I don’t need to supervise showers anymore. Well, I do have a fourteen year old boy so I still have to make suggestions over the weekend. If I don’t feel like cooking they can fend for themselves. I can take them to see something other than Rated G movies. One of them can even almost drive! I’m more than happy to help out if a fantastic man caught my eye and tricked me into falling in love with him but I do not wish to start all over. I think it’s very easy to get sucked into it. You fall in love and you want to help and before you know it you’re helping with homework and doing all the laundry. I’m Exhibit A over here putting frozen pizzas in the oven for the helpless man child and assembling his tacos for him and serving them to him. I can definitely see myself doing it all once again.

Honestly, I really don’t want anyone seeing me naked! Yep, back to that.

I don’t want to have to deal with anyone else adjusting to my idiosyncrasies. I like to belch. I usually don’t do that in front of strangers. To be honest I didn’t even belch that often in front of CF. I find I am constantly farting and many times it comes from out of nowhere. Sometimes I pick my nose or scratch my ass. I can share that with most of you because you have no clue who I am! For my IRL life friends, I apologize; however, you know I don’t do any of that around you!  Except maybe scratching my ass if it really really itches! Even then I try to hide behind something before I dig in. I have a serious ear wax fetish that some people may find weird. Let me be clear- it does not turn me on. I simply have an obsessive need to clean it out! I talk to my dogs and talk back to myself as them. We have some really nice conversations. I fluctuate between being a total slob and being anal retentive when it comes to cleaning. I sing songs about everything and at random times. I have to fast forward on the scary parts of shows and then go back and watch once I know what’s going to happen. I snort when I laugh a lot of the time. I snore (which wouldn’t affect anyone unless we were sharing a bed and because of all of CF’s endless complaints about it I’m paranoid and convinced no other man is ever going to want to sleep in the same bed with me IF I ever decided to have sex again). There are quite a few more but I’m not going to list everything.  Suffice to say, there is a lot of me to deal with and I just don’t feel like bringing someone else up to speed.

Besides, who says the pinnacle of recovering from a divorce is finding someone else? Why is that seen as success? Maybe the real success story is the person who thrived after divorce as a self-supporting single person with varied interests. Here’s to hoping that’s me. Especially that self-supporting part.

I Hate This State!

I told you the whole driver’s license debacle was worthy of a post itself. It’s not just the driver’s license either although I will start with that.

Obviously I’m still pissed off about the fact that my daughter will end up holding a learner’s permit for fifteen months before she can finally get her license. Plus she’s going to have to take yet another driving test. Back where we were they took a driving test through Behind the Wheel training and that was it. Here she has to parallel park even. That should be fun. AND not that this will end up mattering because of the awful timing we already have, but she is considered a driver who has NOT taken Driver’s Ed or Behind the Wheel because this state is so much better than the other 49 in the union that they don’t count any of what she did in the other state. Nope. Nada. It’s like she never spent a semester taking Driver’s Ed in school. For FREE. It’s also like she never got up at 7 every day to do Behind the Wheel at the cost of $200. $200 that I could have put towards food because her dad wasn’t contributing a dime! But had we attempted to get a license when we first came out here instead of a month later, she would have had to have waited an additional month because as a driver who has NOT taken Driver’s Ed she would have to be sixteen and nine months before she could get a license.

Thankfully our insurance company doesn’t give a shit whether she took Driver’s Ed in this state or not. They only care about whether or not she took it. Unfortunately, that means I’m somehow going to have to come up with the $500 or so that it will take for Picasso to go through Driver’s Ed, or I’ll end up paying even more for him to drive. I am dreading that day. Rock Star is already going to cost me over $100. By the time Picasso is driving I’m going to be paying over $300 a month for insurance. More than likely with absolutely no help from Cousinfucker.

More stuff that pisses me off: I had to take a knowledge test before I could get a license. Hello! I’ve been driving for over 30 years! I got my very first license in this stupid state. I detest having to take a test before they’ll give me a license. I’ve been licensed in five different states now. Only two of them give you the benefit of the doubt and figure that if you were licensed in one state that you probably know how the fuck to drive a car. The others figure it’s a possibility you have no idea what you’re doing. So stupid!

My state is very very special though because in addition to having to take the stupid knowledge test, and needing my birth certificate, social security card, and two proofs of my new address I also needed my fucking marriage license!

Yep, here in this glorious state they can’t take it for granted that the name you currently have at 40+ years of age is not the same as the one on your birth certificate because you did something quite ordinary like, oh, getting married. No, there must be nefarious circumstances surrounding this name difference and without a marriage license they just couldn’t take the chance that you weren’t a terrorist or maybe just a run of the mill con artist. Seriously? You need my marriage license? This is ridiculous! I thought perhaps it was because of increased security since 9/11 but I have been licensed in 2 different states since then and I have NEVER had to show a marriage license. It’s not like I don’t have it; I do. I’m just pissed that I have to show it. Is this state just so much more wonderful than any of the others and that causes their standards to be so much higher? Do they have millions of people trying to sneak in to this bland state and procure a driver’s license so they need to up their requirements beyond what any other state requires? Thank God I actually had it and could locate it easily! Too bad Cousinfucker doesn’t need to jump through these hoops. He’s the one that has caused this clusterfuck but he’s sitting pretty without a care in the world.

Honestly, it’s been 2 years since I got my last license but I don’t remember them asking me for any proof of ID! I think I had to prove I lived there but I don’t remember bringing my birth certificate or SS card. It was almost like they figured I had a license from another state and I had already had to jump through all these hoops to prove my identity so they were good with that. Pass the vision test and here’s your license! Now I could be wrong and I did indeed have to show everything; I’ve just forgotten it because I had everything handy and I wasn’t in a pissy mood about moving. That is entirely possible. But I KNOW I didn’t have to show my marriage license.

Getting plates is another headache. I couldn’t show them my registration and proof of insurance. Oh no! They need the fucking title. Guess what? I don’t have the title because it’s a new car and I didn’t pay for it in cash in full. Now I get to request the title. They have a whole form for me to fill out. I ended up needing to take it home because they want the lien holder’s name and address and while I kinda knew the name of the bank I wasn’t absolutely certain, and I definitely didn’t know the address off the top of my head.

They give you two months to switch everything over. That’s probably not unusual. I’m simply held to a deadline because of all the financial aid I’m requesting from the state. I have to submit proof that I’m a legal citizen and since I don’t have a passport I have to provide a birth certificate and a current state driver’s license. You would think in their zeal to make you an official citizen of this stupid, ass backwards shithole of a state they would make it just a little easier to comply, but NO! They have endless hoops through which you must jump!

I’m also more than a little annoyed about the school’s immunization requirements. I don’t like getting shots. My kids don’t like it either. So once they had their 3 year old shots I told them they wouldn’t get anymore shots until high school. Turns out it was middle school when they would need the next round but that was close enough. I told them both that after that it was completely up to them whether or not they ever went back to get another booster. By the time they would be due they would be adults and on their own.

Interestingly enough Rock Star ended up ripping her leg open approximately 2 weeks after her tetanus booster. She had to go in for stitches and they, of course, ended up using a needle to numb her up. Three years later she broke her nose and had a huge gash on it which needed to also be stitched up so once again she was subjected to a needle. Sorry about that, kiddo!

Regardless, I’m annoyed that this particular state requires an additional vaccine that neither of our two previous states required. Again- it’s not like we managed to squeak by and all of those other states were totally off their game. It’s simply another damn hoop through which we must jump. I’m also wondering if they require 2 doses of the chicken pox vaccine while other states only require one because she’s attended school in four different states now; we’ve never had a problem up until now. Middle school is generally when the kids need their additional booster shots. She didn’t need it when we lived out west when she began middle school. She only needed the tetanus booster. She didn’t need a second dose when she started high school in a completely different state. And she didn’t need the additional vaccine either, although it was offered.

I know I’m griping and I realize it’s petty. I will ultimately do whatever is needed in order to get all of this done. I will listen to my 16-year old bitch and bellyache about getting more shots while her father drinks and fucks his whore and misses out on all of this delightfulness. I will march both of our asses down to the Health Department, seeing as how we have no primary care doctor and no insurance anyway. I will, as always, take care of everything while CF sits around oblivious to everything.

I’m looking forward to the day when I can actually say I’m thankful for this move, because honestly? These last two months have been pretty much putting out one fire after another and dealing with nonstop disappointment. I’m tired of it. Why does this state have to be so stupid?

When the Whore Steals Your In-Laws

Blast From the Past 51

June 2014

Hey, Harley, call your faux mother-in-law. She apparently misses having a daughter-in-law to talk to and I know how much you loooovvvve her and how badly you wanted that role. Go ahead and call her so she’ll stop focusing on me and trying to re-establish a relationship with me. This is your big chance. Oh, and she seems to be missing her grandchildren as well. You’ve got four and she accepts any and everybody that joins the family so you should take them on over with you. She loses two; she gains four. I think that’s a pretty fair trade. Net gain of two. And you thought you could take over my life anyway so why not have your kids take over the grandchildren role? I’m sure she doesn’t really care that it’s not my particular two. That big hour long drive won’t be too bad. Afterall, I did 7 1/2 hours with a two year old and a nursing 2 month old. And 25 hours with a 4 year old and a 6 year old. So you’ve got no excuse. Go gas up that car!

While you’re at it you should probably call your faux sister-in-law and make arrangements to get your kids over there. She’s been depressed over never seeing her niece or nephew again, so again, you could just substitute your four. I’m sure they’ll do nicely.

Hey, you helped create this clusterfuck. The least you could do is step up and fill in where I’ve stepped back. I mean, I did it all for you. The stepping back, that is. I stepped back because y’all wanted to be such a big part of each others lives. So step up! Jump in there! They’re your family now. Not just cousins but an honest to goodness mother-in-law, father-in-law and sister-in-law! And Jezebel just got herself a new husband and two new kids so you’ll get four new nieces and nephews! What are you waiting for? They’ve made it pretty damn clear you’re their choice so get in there. Make them happy. I’m never around and I doubt I ever will be around so you are absolutely free and clear. You wanted this and now you’ve got it. Time to start trekking on over to your new family. They’re counting on you, Harley.

Oh, and FYI, it’s not that I’m withholding the kids. I’m simply no longer willing to facilitate the visits. When I thought we actually had a relationship independent of Zack I was willing to take them. When I foolishly thought they genuinely liked/loved me, for me and not just because I was his current wife, I was willing to jump in the car and take them so they could see them, while their father stayed behind. Yes, dear Harley, I made a lot of solo trips so they could have time together because I loved them and thought of them as my family, too. I loved spending time with them and frequently would spend an entire week, sometimes two, with them while Zack stayed behind. Hell, I probably would have moved to his home state at one point. Now it’s been made very clear I am nothing. Zack is the main priority and if he says that you’re in and I’m out, then you’re in and I’m out and they won’t ever question it or defend me in any way. I do, however, realize it’s wrong to keep my kids away from that side of the family. I may be nothing but my children are, in fact, blood. So their father is free to take them any time he would like. They’re free to call, email, text, Facebook, Facetime, Instagram, Skype my kids. Hell, they’re even free to visit or arrange a visit for them out there. But they prefer that I do all the work and apparently they forgot to factor that in to the equation when they decided I was disposable and chose to support you, instead of me.

A Shitty Day

No, seriously, my dog has had diarrhea all night. It’s fun times in this household!

Let’s back this story up to around 9:30 pm. I got a text message from my nephew asking me if I could take him to school in the morning. Of course I can. I text him back about 30 minutes later telling him so. Afterall, my son has been getting up on his own in the morning and catching the bus. Great job, Picasso!

I watched some television, catching up on the new shows premiering this week. Around 12:30 I head upstairs to go to bed. I am greeted by a pile of crap. One of my dogs has diarrhea and has shit on the floor. So before I can go to bed I’m cleaning up poop. I can’t use the Little Green Machine because, well, it’s 12:30 in the morning and everybody except Diarrhea Dog is asleep. I clean it up by hand, using dish soap and water. What a beautiful end to the day!

Two of my dogs wake me up just before 6 am, and about 20 minutes before my alarm goes off. Since one of them had diarrhea the night before I wasn’t going to make her wait. I take the dogs out. They do their business. I’m in the house a little after 6 and decide to peek inside my son’s room to see if he’s up. I usually hear him puttering around in the morning and I hadn’t this morning.

He’s still in bed but since it’s only 6 he’s got plenty of time. I ask him what time he wanted to get up and let him know what time it was. He tells me he’ll get up now.

I go back to the couch and lay down, sharing my spot with 2 dogs, and listening to some show about a scam artist.

A little after 6:30 I get a phone call from my sister-in-law, asking me if I had seen my nephew’s text. After I assured her that I had and that I was going to pick him she asked me if I could stop by her house afterwards and then take her to pick up my brother’s truck. He’s out of town, as is my niece, so she had no car.

At that point I realize I’m going to have to get up and get ready. I’ll confess I am not usually looking my best in the morning. I regularly drop my daughter off while still wearing my pajamas. It is not uncommon for me to drive around in the morning sans bra. No make-up. So, today I needed to step up my game.

I run downstairs to grab some clothes, throw on the lights, and… discover more poop. In multiple spots. Because my damn dog has diarrhea.

At pretty much the same time I hear the bus pull up and then pull away- without Picasso on it. Shit!

So now I’ve got to get dressed, clean up poop, AND take my son to school, in addition to leaving early to pick up my nephew. Naturally, Picasso is wondering why we need to leave so early and I’m having to explain to him that I need to leave earlier than usual to pick up his cousin and get both kids to school. This did lead to the best line of the morning when he tells me: It’s not like I miss the bus every day. I only missed it once this week! I felt it was my duty to inform him that when I took the bus back in 4th, 5th, 7th and 8th grades I missed the bus exactly ZERO times because I had a mother who worked and could’t drop everything to take me to school. I think I amazed him with that statistic.

Anyway, everything got done. Picasso arrived at school with plenty of time to spare. I made it home in time to pick up my daughter and then stop at my nephew’s house to grab him. Dropped both kids off and then headed over to my sister-in-law’s. I took her to pick up the truck and then headed home to shampoo carpets.

I’ve received notices from both kids’ schools regarding their immunizations. Both of my kids are up-to-date on their shots; however, Picasso’s old school apparently didn’t send his immunizations records when they sent his other records. I had to then call his former school to see if they still had the records, which they did, and then request that they fax them to the new school. Unfortunately for Rock Star it appears she didn’t get a second chicken pox vaccine, which must not have been required by either of the two previous states where she attended school. They also didn’t require the meningitis vaccine, although it was offered. Guess what? They require it here! Picasso went ahead and got his back when he got his booster shot before entering middle school. Rock Star hates shots and didn’t get one. So now she has to get that done. #thanksdad

I got my new driver’s license which is a whole other post all in itself. I will say that I’ve now had 3 licenses within the last 2 1/2 years. My last two pictures were amazing. This one sucks ass. I am definitely changing my last name now so I can get a new license.

My mom and I took a walk. We saw a snake. It was small and we’re pretty sure it was dead but we both stopped, looked at it, and turned right around. No thank you! We will just cut our walk short. We weren’t willing to take a chance that it was indeed alive.

Thankfully I have encountered no more dog poop. Yep, that’s me. Always looking for the silver lining!

Three For the Road

Okay, these aren’t really for the road; however, they are all fairly short so I decided to consolidate them into one entry.

Blast From the Past 48

June 2014

Yesterday marked the one year anniversary of my husband lying his ass off and assuring me he had had no contact with his whore. It was also the day he told me he didn’t know if he loved me. He cared about me and he appreciated the fact that I was a good mom who kept the kids active and involved. But he didn’t know if he still loved me. It was the day he told me he wanted everything to go back to the way it was before he left for his home state- me doing my thing, him doing his. Of course, my things were the kids, PTA, and Bunko and his things, or rather, his thing, was sexting his whore. And, just to end on a nicer note it was also the day I told him I wasn’t giving up on us, that I thought we could make it through this and be happier than ever. Didn’t know what all I was getting through but I was correct.

Present Day Sam Says: And, just to end on a nicer note it was also the day I told him I wasn’t giving up on us, that I thought we could make it through this and be happier than ever. Oh Sam, you were so unbelievably naive. That’s such a sweet sentiment and yet sadly, it was lost upon him. You were pledging to fight for him and your marriage and he was sexting with a whore, looking at you like you were the dumbest fool he had ever encountered.

Blast From the Past 49

June 2014

How’s this for irony? I bought my house from a woman named Harley. It was a couple, not just a woman, but in the end I’m living in Harley’s old house.

Present Day Sam Says: And now I’m living in my mother’s house!

Blast From the Past 50

June 2014

One more for today. I got through Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. Well, today is Father’s Day and we’re here and he’s there, but I did get him a gift from me and the kids. He opened it yesterday.

On Mother’s Day we were supposed to go to The Cheesecake Factory but it was packed so we ended up going to a Mexican restaurant. It was much better the first time we went, but we got right in and ate so there’s that. Zack sent me flowers and my daughter gave me a gift. My son made a gift for me and then forgot to give it to me. It was a pretty low key day.

The important part is I got through them both, despite the fact that a year ago my husband shit on them both. A year ago, right before Mother’s Day he was telling everyone he was in love with his skank; he wanted to marry her. Then, he partially confessed to an affair the day before Mother’s Day, making sure to downplay what was going on so as to protect his whore. It was just texting. She was one of many (or maybe 3). All lies to cover his ass and protect his whore. A year ago he was neck deep into his affair with the whore by Father’s Day. A few days prior to Father’s Day he was telling me he didn’t know if he loved me and tacitly threatening divorce if I wouldn’t just go back to the way things were. Me doing my thing and him doing Harley.

And now here we are and he’s insisting his life is with me. He loves me. He wants to experience everything with me. I’m so pretty. I’m so sexy. I’m his world. He doesn’t know why I chose him and why I continue to love him; I’m so great and he’s nothing. He worries he will lose me. He worries I won’t move out there with him. He misses me like crazy. I’m such a great mom and he doesn’t know how I do everything I do.

I suppose we’ll see. I’m still buying myself something amazing on August 14th.

Present Day Sam Says: What a lying piece of shit he turned out to be! I had no idea he was such an amazing actor. I really should have bought myself something spectacular on that date.

Breaking News!

How many have heard the news? Brangelina is no more. The Internet is abuzz with news of Angie filing for divorce. The rumor mill is swirling; if “anonymous sources” are to be believed she hired a PI to catch him cheating with a co-star. How on earth could she ever think Brad would behave in such an egregious manner? It is impossible!

Okay, I’m done snarking. I do find it interesting how this is being presented by different sources. There is the obligatory, “The Greatest Love Affair Of All Time Has Died!” contingency. To which I say, “Bullshit!” They were cheaters. He was married to another woman and this wasn’t the first time Angelina was involved with a man who had a wife or fiancee. Billy Bob Thornton, anyone? This is how affairs usually work themselves out. Their relationship is not a great love story that will endure throughout the ages. They are not two soul mates destined to be together. THEY ARE NOT SPECIAL! Yes, they are fabulously wealthy and have lived an amazing life; yet when you strip that all away they are just two ordinary cheaters. It would be refreshing if someone would point that out at least once.

Then you have the people who are thinking about the six children involved. I think this is a good conversation to have; unfortunately, I think they stop short of talking about what they really should talk about. I think this would be a phenomenal time to start talking about how relationships that begin as affairs don’t usually last, and because of that, any children born or adopted into these families are probably going to have to suffer through their parents’ divorce. Brad cheated on his wife. Angelina willingly became involved with a married man. They brought six children into their relationship. Stop talking about this being a tragedy and start talking about the consequences of marrying your affair partner!

I don’t know if the rumors are true and that he is indeed cheating on her. I don’t know if she really did hire a PI because she thought he was cheating. I did see someone from the entertainment industry who was saying that generally when people in that world do simply grow apart they issue a joint statement and it reads along the lines of: We still love one another but we have grown apart. Irreconcilable differences. Our children will continue to be our number one priority. Co-parenting. Still best friends. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time. Blah blah blah.

He pointed out that this is not how this particular divorce filing has gone down. She’s saying she is divorcing for the health of the family and is asking for sole custody. It is not a joint statement. He in turn replied that his children will continue to be his priority, which is apparently code for, “Over my dead body, bitch!” So again I say I don’t really know if he’s cheating on her or not but for the purpose of these next two points I’m going to believe that he is.

This goes to prove the old adage: If he (or she) cheats with you, he’ll cheat on you. They always think they’re so special. He (or she) wouldn’t do that to me! I’m nothing like his wife. I’m shiny and perfect. No, you’re really not. You’re available. Keep in mind that when a man marries his mistress he creates an opening.

I’ve seen this happen up close and personal. Jezebel and Husband #2 are a prime example. When they got together they were very best friends and soul mates. He was exactly what she needed. He gave up everything for her and in turn she cheated on him with Husband #3. They lasted 14 years total, married 11 but she began cheating about a year prior. Harley’s former brother-in-law and Pastor Fake’s first wife are another example. Those two idiots were trying to rewrite history and change biology. That one didn’t last nearly as long but it did result in prison terms for both of them so that was an interesting twist. After she dumped her husband for the ex-con she met in the halfway house she ended up divorcing him several years later, too.

It also goes to show you that it’s not because the spouse has done something wrong or she’s let herself go. Angelina Jolie is a beautiful woman. I’m sure she has hundreds, if not thousands, of men who would date her in a hot second. She is extremely thin and always well dressed. It cannot be said that she has let herself go. It appears that they spent time alone and they could travel all over the world. I would think their life was filled with excitement, and yet, infidelity still occurred. I don’t think she committed any of the sins that regularly lead to us being told we brought this on ourselves and it still happened (allegedly).

If he has indeed cheated on her perhaps this new OW will get smart and realize what her future holds. Maybe she will decide it’s not worth it to hitch her wagon to his star. Otherwise, ten years from now the tabloids will be all abuzz about their impending divorce. Nah, I’m sure she’s special.

Shades of Black & White

A commenter made the remark that it seems like I write in black and white contrasts, and ignore the shades of gray. I get what she’s saying about the shades of gray. Sometimes things aren’t worse; they are simply different. I also know I have been doing an endless amount of complaining lately; however, the differences in my life before CF’s antics and my life now are stark contrasts in black and white.

I really have gone from being privileged to being poor.  I’ve done the calculations many times. I need $900/month just to pay my bills- that’s no food, no utilities and no rent. Just my regular monthly bills that remain the same each and every month. At $11/hour I earn less than $1800/month. After I take out 20% in taxes (and honestly, I don’t know how much they take; it could be less I suppose) and pay those bills I will have slightly somewhere between $500-$550/month left over. I need to buy food, dog food, deodorant, saline solution, toilet paper, shampoo, toothpaste, tampons, etc. with that money. I realize I won’t have to buy that stuff every month (well, except for tampons and toilet paper) but by the time I’ve paid for those things I won’t have anything left. And remember I’m purchasing those things for three people (except the tampons, of course). If I work a second job that will help to pay for my share of the utilities. It won’t be going to help pay for extras. That’s poor. Working poor, but poor nonetheless.

To me shades of gray would be downsizing from the oversized house in a prestigious part of town into a more modest house in perhaps an older section of town. Shades of gray would be going from, say $250,000/year down to $80,000, or even $30,000-$40,000. Hell, shades of gray would have been when I went from having access to 100% of my husband’s paycheck to only having access to 66% of it!

I saw shades of gray earlier when this whole thing first went down. Shades of gray was suddenly being left with just enough to pay our bills in our home while I used savings to buy food and whatever the kids wanted or needed. Shades of gray was no longer taking the kids out on weekends, no longer buying clothes for my daughter on a regular, for absolutely no reason, basis, no longer being able to buy my son an Xbox just because, not being able to throw elaborate birthday parties, and not spending as much money on Christmas. Shades of gray was budgeting our money and having to choose between A and B because I knew I could no longer do both in the same pay period.

There are no longer any shades of gray. There is no adjusting or downsizing our lifestyle right now. We used to have a home of our own; now we don’t. It’s not a matter of living in a smaller house, or having to reduce spending in order to stay there. I can’t afford a home period. We live with my mom in her house. Before it was, “We used to have everything we needed and most of what we wanted,” and now it’s, “I’m going to be working 40 hours a week just to pay our bills and put food on the table. We have most of what we need and nothing that we want because there’s nothing left over for extras.” It is not a matter of my kids won’t get as much as they used to. They won’t get anything from me now unless I’m working 60-80 hours and even then it won’t be much.

As for either being the most popular kid in school or being lonely, well, again it is a black and white comparison. Rock Star really did shine at her last school. She made a name for herself on the very first day. She did more pushups than any of the kids in her gym class, including the boys and she had the coaches watching her. One of them begged her to play soccer; the coach had never seen her play, and for the record, my daughter never has played, but based upon her performance in gym class she wanted her on her team. She stood out on the gymnastics team, which wasn’t hard to do because there weren’t any competitive gyms in the area and she came from a background of 23 hour a week practices and had been competing since 2nd grade. She was voted MVP and All-Conference her first year of cheerleading. Numerous boys flirted with her and asked her out. Her principal knew her by name and would bring candy to the gymnasts. Her teachers all knew her as well. When I say she had a movie like existence in high school I am being completely honest. I used to joke I lived vicariously through her. It was a school of 1100 students and she made a name for herself; I think there were very few people who didn’t know who she was. She had a full and active social and school life.

Here, she is not involved in school. She hasn’t made a name for herself. She doesn’t stand out. She really is a nameless, faceless nobody. That’s not me throwing her or myself a pity party. It’s a statement of fact. There are approximately 1700 student here and I’d be surprised if more than 20 of them even casually knew of her, meaning they took a class with her and remembered her.

This isn’t a small rural school where they really need kids to participate on their teams. My daughter spent her entire life in a gym. It’s the only thing she’s good at as far as sports go. She’s not going to try out and make the softball or volleyball or soccer team when she’s never played outside of gym class. Not here where those kids on the team now have spent years and years playing, probably since they were very young.  Shades of gray happened in our last move where she went from competing in gymnastics at the club level to competing on the high school team. It happened when she switched from gymnastics being her entire life to simply being a part of her life. It happened when she accepted the fact that she would never improve, would never gain skills and in fact, would probably lose skills. But she embraced life there and was able to appreciate her new life, even if she would have given everything up to be able to compete with her former teammates still.

Every day I ask her how school was and if she met anybody new. She has mentioned a few names but I rarely see her interacting after hours with any of them. The people she snapchats with and Facetimes are the people she was friends with back in our last two states. I’m not running her and her friends to the mall. I’m not taking her out to dinner with friends before the football game; she hasn’t attended a single football game, including Homecoming, and I doubt she will. She doesn’t hang with friends on the weekends. I don’t have kids at the house. The only two people she talks about on a regular basis are a boy I don’t want her dating and a girl who is constantly telling off the teachers and who apparently took pictures of a test and sold the answers to other students.

She will tell you herself that she doesn’t like it here and that she misses her old life. She is just biding her time until college two years from now. Those are her words. She was telling me today she almost had an emotional breakdown in class. When I asked what was wrong she replied, “Mom, I have no friends and I’m failing a class. I feel so stupid and I hate it here.”

Maybe things will change. I hope she chooses to go out for cheerleading in the next month or two. I hope she begins to cultivate relationships outside of school. I hope she ends up with a great circle of friends from work. I hope things pick up for her. But right now they haven’t. She hates it here. There are no shades of gray. It is all black and white. If I could make her world gray I would.