Additional Blasts From the Past, January-March

I’m sure I sound like a broken record but I continue to showcase these and go back and pick up ones I may have missed or figured weren’t important because I want to give everyone an accurate picture of what was being said by me. Afterall, he uses that as a basis for reigniting his affair with Harley. I didn’t love him. I was depressed. I was unhappy with him. We weren’t good for each other. So I put it all out there. I reexamine it and time after time I look back and think, “What was so awful?”
The reality is he couldn’t handle any dissension. He used it as an excuse to do whatever he damned well wanted to do. Unfortunately for him I’m still not afraid to put it all out there.

January 2014
At the ER with my daughter. Another migraine. Last time we were here (first time we ever brought her in) he was involved with the whore, keeping her apprised of the situation. He swears he didn’t text her while we were at the hospital, but he did let her know what was going on.

And can I just say that still pisses me off? She didn’t have any business knowing anything that was going on with my kid. None.

Present Day Sam Says: Isn’t that the sweetest thing you’ve ever heard? Letting your semen demon know how your child is doing. Hey, at least he allegedly laid off the texting while he was actually at the hospital with said child.

January 2014
Gyms, gyms, gyms. Let’s talk about gyms. I’m afraid that in a few months we’re going to destroy my daughter’s world and end her gymnastics dreams. She wants to get to Level 10. She wants to compete in college. Where we are going there are not a lot of club gymnastics. I think she’ll have three to pick from, all approximately an hour away. There are two in Whore Town and can I just say how happy it’s going to make me driving to a town with the same name as the town in which the whore lives? Five days a week, if my daughter continues. I’ve seen it asked, “If your child needed you to run into a burning building to rescue her, would you? Well, she doesn’t need you to run into a burning building; she needs you to do THIS particular thing.” So if that’s the gym she picks, if she continues to work towards her dream, then I will grit my teeth and I will drive to the town that shares its name with the whore’s residence. Because that’s what my daughter needs.

Present Day Sam Says: Well, it happened. We did destroy her world and end her gymnastics dreams. She did Excel for a year but didn’t particularly enjoy it. It was a much lower competitive level for her and she lost skills she had worked hard to get. She did end up loving high school gymnastics; unfortunately, Cousinfucker stole that, along with a team captain spot, from her, as well.
I wish I had known back in February that that was the last time I would watch my daughter compete. There were times I had such severe butterflies in my stomach that I thought I would throw up, but I loved watching her do what she did. I was so proud of her and all that she could do. Now that is over. For what? So that her dad can fuck his cousin and be happy.

February 2014
The official offer came in. We’re moving this summer. Hooray! Now I can be so much closer to his whore and I get to drive to Whore Town 4-5 times a week. And see signs for Not Whore Town, also, which happens to be a major road the whore drives on. Oh, I’m just ecstatic! And bonus time- I’ll also be closer to his family. Bring on the drama! Can’t wait to hear him bitch about the fact that no one can bother to make the drive to see him but they can drive all over Hell for something they want, like watermelon, or bacon, or a damn plate of bbq.
No one is excited about the move except him. He thinks this will be a fantastic opportunity and he’ll be so much happier. He’d better be. If I have to put up with more anxiety and mood swings while simultaneously dealing with my kids’ heartbreak I may just leave him! I keep telling myself it won’t be bad; things will work out. And if he really is still seeing the whore behind my back there will not be a corner in this world far enough away to escape my wrath.

Present Day Sam Says: Six weeks. It took him six weeks to start whining and complaining about his job once we got there.

February 2014
Another post about differences. I find it funny my husband told me, upon being confronted about his affair with her, “We have a lot in common. We really really like each other.” Oh well that makes all the difference in the world then! Seriously, I told him then and I know it even today it was a fantasy. He didn’t even know her. He still gives me crap for voting for Bill Clinton- twice! She voted for Obama twice and is hoping Hillary Clinton is our next president. She doesn’t like most of what he likes. He’s a big Duck Dynasty fan; she despises them. According to him she doesn’t watch tv, although with her ankle being broken she’s certainly watched her fill. Doesn’t like going to the movies. I think the only thing they had in common was their favorite basketball team and their hometown roots. Eventually the stories would have run out, and then what? I suppose reality would have set in. And that would have been really fun to watch.
Present Day Sam Says: I wonder how those hometown stories are going for them. I wonder if she’s dutifully sitting by his side, watching all his stupid television shows with him. Nah, they’re both probably too busy drinking and blowing through what’s left of the money.

February 2014
I’m not proud of this but sometimes I get great relief by making fun of the whore. I watched her Facebook movie and my God, she looks hideous in so many of her earlier pictures. What on earth was my husband thinking when he messed around with that ugly skank ass bitch?

Present Day Sam Says: Again, it’s not what they look like. It’s all about how they make them feel.

February 2014

Still in a crappy mood. Still not happy about this stupid move. Still not happy my husband got passed over for a promotion so they could move him 2000 miles away for yet another lateral position. Still not happy about leaving my friends.

Present Day Sam Says: Yes, I know. This entry is awful. How dare I have feelings about being forced to give up my life and my friends for my husband’s happiness? If only I could have been ecstatic about the move, I might have had a shot at preserving my marriage.

February 2014
So… This was supposed to be my entry today. My evolution from bitch to not quite such a bitch. At one point I had all of my in-laws blocked on my daughter’s page. With Jezebel it was the day I found out she knew about Zack’s affair with Harley and that her advice had been: You should do what makes you happy. You deserve to be happy. I’d block. I’d unblock. I thought I had her blocked on Instagram, too, but I didn’t. I blocked my father-in-law after my MIL used his page to tell the whore she was so……………… pretty. Yeah, no more of that shit. Then she got her own page and sent a friend request to me and my daughter. I deleted her as a friend on my daughter’s once I saw she was also friends with the whore. I’m not sure what caused me to block everybody again. Probably the sausage balls. But, I’m over it. My brother’s wife is a bitch from Hell, cloaked in Christian clothing, and she has unfriended his two kids so they can’t see pictures of his youngest. She has everyone in our family on restricted access so we can’t see or share the pictures either. Since I think she’s being ridiculous and vindictive I decided to loosen the reins. Everyone is unblocked. If she wishes to friend them again she can. I’m even willing to let Zack take them to his home state with him. However, I still don’t trust them. I still have no doubt they wouldn’t turn around and leave if they saw Harley out somewhere. Still absolutely, 100% sure they would hug and kiss on her and introduce my child to her without a second thought. And here’s where it gets interesting. If they EVER introduce that fucking whore to my kids I will tell them everything. I will tell them that she was their father’s whore, that she sent naked pictures to him all summer, sent inappropriate text messages to him all summer, told him she loved him. I will tell them how their father thought he was in love with her and told their cousin he was going to marry her. I will tell them they were planning a life together and that the two of them were more than willing to rip their lives apart so they could be together. And furthermore EVERYONE you know and love here in his home state knows she was his whore and they are all fine with it. Your aunt knew while he was fooling around with her and encouraged and supported it. Your grandparents knew after the fact and yet they’re both ok with it and think she’s wonderful. In fact, they would rather have a relationship with her than with your mother.
Some may say you shouldn’t involve your kids in things like this. I say don’t introduce my children to their father’s whore or there will be Hell to pay.

February 2014
I just realized while writing the novel below that not only is August 14th D-Day, it’s also the day he broke off their engagement. If he really did. I find it helps to take everything with a grain of salt. Followed by tequila and a lime. Ha ha ha. Honestly, if they were discussing marriage and he was telling God only knows who all that he was going to marry the whore, then they were engaged, unofficially perhaps. I guess the whore will let me know if they picked out a ring for her, or better yet, if he bought her one. So, if and when he ended it, he ended their engagement also. Great work, honey. Married to one woman, engaged to another. And to think, I didn’t even know we were seeing other people!

February 2014
I’m in a good place so I probably shouldn’t write but oh well. One of the things that bugs me about their relationship is how fast it advanced and how serious it always was. We got engaged 6 days after we met. People always say, Wow, and think that’s really cool. We were both single. We had no children. Look at us- engaged after only six days, married 7 months later. I don’t know how long it took before they were declaring their love for one another and planning their wedding but I do know that by May 9th he was telling someone else he was going to marry her. That was, at the most, 15 days after they started their affair. Less than 15 days to toss aside your wife, decide to divorce her so you can marry another, leave your kids behind and completely destroy their lives. 15 days. And that’s the maximum time. That’s counting from the day he told her she looked fantastic, and he swears they weren’t involved yet at that point. I believe it probably happened in less than a week. So, it probably took him less time to decide to disentangle himself from his marriage and his family in order to marry the fucking whore, than to marry me when neither of us had baggage. Nice!

March 2014
I see she’s still living in a fantasy world where soul mates exist and, I’m sure, some love is just meant to be. Barf.
Elephant Love: Loneliness, Dating & Relationships
“According to Greek mythology, humans were originally created with four arms, four legs and a head with two faces. Fearing their power, Zeus split them into two separate parts, condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other halves.”

March 2014

Another thing to keep in mind.
Many times the lovers bond over the unhappiness in their marriage, and this bond is often perceived as true intimacy and love. However, it is perhaps the only aspect that is holding their relationship together. Beyond that, there is nothing.
I have a theory that unconsciously both lovers know that the common bond of their unhappy marriages is the component that keeps the relationship alive. I believe the drama associated with the affair and the faltering marriage helps to strengthen this bond, and both lovers try to keep that part going in order to keep the affair strong.
Think about it. They are experiencing a small fraction of their life with this person. They are not sharing a family, friends, a household, commitment, or real life experiences. So what is really holding them together except for the bond that their marriages are bad and they feel they deserve better?
Present Day Sam Says: I know! How horrible of me to point out that their “love” was based upon a fallacy.

In all seriousness though, I think this is spot on. Affairs are so much about secrets and an us against the world mentality. The cheater and the whore triangulate with the betrayed spouse (or spouses). Once that is gone the relationship tends to suffer. I like what many others have said: Even when it appears to the outside world that everything is dandy they are miserable with one another. They have to continue to put on a good act because otherwise they threw away a marriage, or marriages, and families, for some dumb affair that didn’t mean anything instead of being a part of the love affair of the century.

March 2014

A small confession. Whenever I’m on Facebook as myself I can’t see anything Harley says or likes, but I can tell when she has liked something or commented. She commented on her cousin’s dinner the other day. Now, it helped that the other person said, “Thanks, Harley!” She was replying to each person personally by name so I decided to comment as well, and mention visiting. Sure enough, she thanked me by name and commented on us visiting and her cooking. Ha! Take that, bitch! I hope she enjoyed seeing my name on her newsfeed. I know I so enjoy seeing her all over my in-laws pages.

March 2014
I’m trying to keep this in mind:
#18. Stop holding grudges. – Don’t live your life with hate in your heart. You will end up hurting yourself more than the people you hate. Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.” It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.” Forgiveness is the answer… let go, find peace, liberate yourself! And remember, forgiveness is not just for other people, it’s for you too. If you must, forgive yourself, move on and try to do better next time.
This ^^^ is so much easier said than done. I’ve anyways been one of those people who said if holding a grudge is exhausting you’re not doing it right. I’ve had no problem with putting people (not many; I’m a nice person) on my “I wouldn’t piss on them if they were on fire” list and forgetting all about them until someone reminds me of them. I think in 45 years somewhere between 4 and 8 people have made that list. Currently, while I’m not crazy about one of those people I probably would piss on her. While I rolled my eyes. Another one is completely off that list because she’s not in my life and has no effect on me (I shall call her Nurse Ratchett because honestly, I don’t even remember her name at this point). Honestly, I’m not sure you could consider her to have really been on the list. I think I was just mad and spouting off. Regardless, she wasn’t on the list long. Two people I’m debating even putting on the list; I think I’m just more over their behavior (I’m not sure who these 2 people are. Jezebel is probably 1 of them.). My current neighbors are iffy. I don’t wish to have anything to do with them but I’m not sure I’m still at the “watch them burn” stage. That leaves Pip and Harley. Pip has been on the list since 2000. Doesn’t hurt me in the least to still hate him. I sincerely doubt Harley will ever make it off the list and I figure if I’m not actively trying to take the bitch out I’m doing my part. I don’t even have my in-laws on that list. I figure they’re not worth the time and effort. You have to really fuck up to get on that list.
I do like the part, though, about forgiveness meaning you won’t let the other person take away your happiness. But then again I think that goes along with knowing the proper way to hold a grudge. I can be perfectly happy and take great delight in what is happening in my life and STILL hate her. The only problem comes when you can’t move on because you’re so wrapped up in the other person, their life, and seeking revenge. No, I’m not actively plotting to ruin her life, but I won’t shed a tear when bad things happen to her. If you asked her I would be willing to bet she doesn’t rejoice in my happiness either, and any hardships I may suffer aren’t met with sympathy.
So, I’ll give life rule #18 some more thought, but in the end I think it was written by somebody who just doesn’t understand how grudges work. I’m fine with not forgiving Harley for sending my husband naked pictures, promising him sexual favors, and planning a future with him- all while knowing full well he was married. And I’m still happy. I’m fairly certain I could watch her burn to death and not shed a tear. Maybe I’m just a cold hearted bitch. Or maybe all this focus on forgiveness is just a bunch of bullshit used to make others feel better about themselves.

3 thoughts on “Additional Blasts From the Past, January-March

    1. I don’t really read them. When I decided to do this I copied them all over so it’s not like I have to read through each and every one. It’s a lot of copy and paste right now.

      Mostly when I look back I’m just sad and disappointed that I was so stupid. I figure if I ever do decide to date again I should figure out why I did the stupid things I did and why I put up with the bullshit I put up with so… in that regard it’s good to look back and reexamine things.

      Plus, as I’ve always admitted I don’t lie and am not looking to whitewash any of my behavior. I know he uses those entries as an excuse for his behavior, to justify his affair. He thinks it proves I didn’t love him, that in fact I hated him and planned to leave him. I’m looking for validation and that’s why I put it out there. Were the things I wrote so awful they caused my husband to have a nervous breakdown? Are they horrible, awful things to think or write? Were they so horrible they justified him cheating on and discarding me?

      No, I’m not in agony or even pained when I look back. I’m disgusted.

      Liked by 1 person

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