Eh

I asked Rock Star yesterday morning if she hated it here. Her answer was, “Eh.” I asked her what that meant. She looked at me and replied, “Well, I went from being everything to being nothing.” So for all of you who were so confident that she was going to do amazing things here at her new school? You were all wrong. Again, I point to the blog entry, “Why I’m a Pessimist”. My kid, a former superstar, is a nameless, faceless nobody with no driver’s license. Homecoming is this weekend. I don’t think she’s going to the game and I know she’s not going to the dance. While I get to watch friend after friend post pictures of their handsome sons in tuxes or lovely daughters in beautiful dresses I get to post a picture of my kid wearing jeans and sitting alone in her room. I won’t, more than likely, but if I did, that’s what her Homecoming picture would look like.

Eh is also how I’m feeling, folks. I haven’t been around as much because I’ve been trying to write a resume and cover letters, apply for jobs online, go to job fairs, and other unpleasant, confidence shattering experiences. I spent over an hour today trying to apply at temp agencies only to not be able to find a damn parking space at the first agency and then to find out the second agency is no longer at the address that was listed.

I know that the whole “no parking” probably sounds like a weak excuse. Bear with me. Our downtown is a mess. They are doing construction on multiple streets at once as they put roundabouts in and create two way traffic after twenty or thirty years of one way streets. So, first I had to find the place and needed to make several loops around all this construction in the first place. Then once I’ve found it I have to try to figure out where to turn in for parking because there is nothing in front. The agency is right up on the road with no parking lot. I go around the block once again only to find out that the parking spots in back of the agency are all labeled “Bank Parking Only”. Awesome! I finally said, “Fuck it!” and moved on to the second agency.

Naturally, I go the wrong way the first time and then I pass it by the second time. Well, pass it by is kind of a misnomer because it ended up that the agency is no longer there!

To top off this wonderful day I filled out an online application for a job that I’m actually really interested in. I submit the application and attach my resume and cover letter. Then I go to apply for another similar position (doesn’t pay as well though). It was at that moment that I realized when I filled out my employment dates I only used the month and year so they didn’t get recorded on the application. So much for my cover letter where I state all my volunteer experience has led me to pay attention to detail. Guess I won’t be getting an interview for that job.

I’ve also done as so many people suggested and went down to the local unemployment office. Oh, they’ll help you with your resume! They’ll help you find a job! Guess what? They don’t. I talked to a “jobs specialist” for 30-45 minutes and he basically asked me some questions and showed me some websites where I could look for jobs. Wow! You know, I’m fairly certain I could do that from the comfort of my home while wearing my jammies and eating donuts. As for the resume writing? Oh, don’t make me laugh! I was told to come back later that day and when I did I was given his card and told to call him and make an appointment. So, I did. And he didn’t have appointments available until the 22nd (and this was on Friday). I was encouraged to come to a “networking group” and to bring up the topic of resume help.

Yesterday I went to a job fair. I talked to a few people. I feel like, again, it was a waste of time. It’s not like anyone was hiring on the spot. It was pretty much a chance to give companies your resume, which again, I could have done without going to a damn job fair. I had already put in applications or looked at their online job search for three of the companies that I talked to. The only company that seemed really interested in getting people signed up was a casino. Unfortunately, all three locations are at least 30-45 minutes away, I would have to work evenings, and when I went to look on the website it looked like the position I had talked to the representative about was only part time. AND they didn’t bother with listing the pay. I’m not driving 45 minutes for a part-time $9/hour job.

Finally, I answered my mom’s phone for her. Her friend told me it was good to hear laughter in my voice again. This was actually really funny because I’ve spent the day crying off and on.  She was encouraging me, telling me how wonderful I am and how I can do this and she just knows I’ll get a good job and do great things. Then she goes on to say something along the lines of, “And maybe you’ll get a job at one of the hospitals making $14 or $15 an hour but you can still apply for food stamps and get government aid. You’ve never taken it before but if you need it you should apply for it and take it.” Lucky me I’m still eligible for food stamps! That’s the sad part. I can work 40 hours a week, even get a second job, but I’m getting paid so little I still can’t support myself and my kids and I still qualify for and will probably need food stamps. Life is grand!

Seriously, if there are any women out there reading this that are contemplating quitting your jobs to be a stay at home mom DON’T DO IT! Even if you hate your job, even if all your money is going to daycare, keep working! If your husband tells you he makes enough money and he wants you to concentrate on the kids and the house tell him to fuck off. If he wants to relocate and you need to give up your job tell him you’ll miss him. For the love of God, ladies, don’t EVER rely on a man. Sorry, my male readers; it’s not an indictment of you. It’s more that as women we are extremely vulnerable when we rely on our husbands for our livelihood and our future retirement.

Can I just tell you how completely humiliating this all is? I’ve gone from living on six figures a year to applying for Medicaid and food stamps, and being approved for free textbooks and lunches for my kids.

I hate that motherfucker. I KNOW he’s going to get away with everything. A judge is going to buy his bullshit and rule that he doesn’t have to pay me any spousal support. Hell, if I have a job by the time we go to court I wouldn’t be surprised to find out I’m ordered to pay HIM. And child support? Everyone says there’s no way he’ll get out of paying child support at the very least but I have my doubts. Regardless, even if he is ordered to pay it I doubt it will be much. People have said that if he does get disability I will be able to take part of that. My reply is, “Big fucking deal.” It’s not like he’s getting company disability where he would receive 75% of his pay. No, he’ll end up getting something like $2000/month. If I’m really really lucky he’ll be ordered to pay around $500/month. What a joke. I won’t take it. I’ll burn it every damn month before I let him puff his chest out and declare he’s supporting his kids. I have no doubt he’s decided that if he’s going to have to pay out most of his paycheck to me then he may as well not bother with working. Disability will pay him almost as much as he has had left over after paying me spousal and child support so why not sit around drinking, watching TV and fucking a whore?

Everybody keeps telling me that I can advance and that just because I’m not making much now doesn’t mean that I won’t make more later. Unfortunately, I’m not starting out with a blank slate. I’m starting out with almost $1000 in bills/month and two teenage kids. I’m probably looking at paying another retainer to my lawyer which means maxing out two credit cards and paying an additional $100/month. Once Rock Star finally gets her license I’ll have another $115 to add to my monthly obligations. I have a daughter who will begin her senior year in less than a year. My prediction is that I won’t have money to pay for senior pictures. I won’t have money to pay for graduation announcements. It’s not like she has a lot of friends or like I know a lot of people around here, but I’m not going to have money to throw a graduation party. Hell, at this point I don’t have enough money to take her out to dinner afterwards. Maybe if she’s really really lucky I can go through the McDonald’s drive-thru and get her an extra value meal instead of having to buy something off the Value Menu. Maybe let her have two sweet teas instead of only one. Meanwhile, in Whore Town I’m sure Harley’s daughter will have one hell of a graduation celebration and Cousinfucker will be there with bells on, cheering her on and playing the proud dad.

Her kids haven’t missed out on anything; they haven’t had to give a damn thing up. My kids have lost their home, their friends; they’ve been moved yet again. My son is doing well but my daughter has nothing to look forward to and is resigned to two more years of hell in this high school, just getting through the day and getting a diploma. No cheerleading. No gymnastics. No more being a superstar. No more being the talk of the school. Just plow through and get the diploma and don’t ever look back. Her kids got a new puppy, DirectTV, car repairs, and thousands of dollars in gifts. Her daughter continues on with cheerleading. She didn’t have to quit. My daughter works a part-time job because her dad is a fucking deadbeat and I won’t be making enough money to pay for her clothes, make-up, and dinners out.

I know my posts haven’t been cheerful lately. I’ve been downright morose. What can I say? I’m feeling the pressure. I do not believe for one minute that I’m going to get any help from him so all of this falls on my shoulders. I need a job. I’m freaking out over my resume and cover letters; I think they look like shit. Everything I’ve been trying to do seems to take five times as long as it should. I’m overwhelmed. My heart breaks daily for my daughter who is struggling. I wonder if I’m going to end up leaving my kids to raise themselves these last few years of their childhood because I’ll be off working all the time in order to be able to put food on the table and have some leftover money to buy them clothes, or take them to the movies (when???) or out to dinner (again, when???). I’m probably mildly depressed, too.

I am going to do my best to turn this around and stop moping so much. I can’t promise miracles but I will try.

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18 thoughts on “Eh

  1. OMG. I am SEETHING in anger for you, your daughter, and your son. Their dad is an ASS. My husband is too. I live in that incone bracket. Comfortable. Six figure. My kids have a lot of privileges. He’s the favorite dad in their school. I did those things. I quit my career. I moved to another state where I know no one. I read this and think. CRAP. I’m SO STUCK. I don’t want my kids to suffer or hurt. But I don’t want this either. It’s the worst place to be. I am so sorry. I don’t know what else to say. This sucks for you. It totally sucks. I’m so sorry. Your moods make total sense. I commiserate with you because right now there is nothing anyone can say that you can accept as positive. I will say it again. HE IS AN ASS. (I’m so sorry if any of this offends you or made you feel worse…I really hope it didn’t.) “Eh” is right
    on.

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    1. Secret Keeper, I call him Cousinfucker; do you really think I’m going to be offended at you calling him an ass? He IS an ass. And a douche and a deadbeat and a whole host of other things. You can call him whatever you’d like.

      It’s always nice to have a kindred spirit, although I’m sorry you’re going through this, too. It really does suck when you find out that all the sacrifices you made were for nothing. But listen, my life totally sucks because Jackass has decided to play the PTSD card. Before that day in June I was doing fine. I didn’t have as much money as I had before but I was still living in my house, Rock Star was still attending her high school and loving it, and Picasso was getting ready to finally get involved. All was well. I was even planning on getting a job.

      I don’t know if you’re in a state that offers spousal support; I was and it made a huge difference when I was actually receiving it.

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  2. Sam – I was a high school English teacher for a decade. I will happily give your resume and cover letter a once over to see how they look if you like. I know this all feels hopeless. But I promise you, it won’t always be so. Just keep white knuckling it.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. school just started – it takes time – things could still turn out well for her at school *fingers crossed/praying*

    how you resist emailing him and calling him out on his shitty selfish decisions is beyond me – too bad Rockstar isn’t like my daughter – when her Dad finally contacted her she told him exactly what she thought of his behavior and actions and what a shitty father he was – he was abusive to me and in 16 years has paid a grand total of $1200 in child support and that was only because the IRS took a refund the couple years that he actually worked last I heard he was living in a homeless shelter and on heroin pathetic

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    1. Your ex sounds like he really sucks, too! I’m sorry you had to endure abuse and no child support.

      Rock Star does get shitty with her dad and stand her ground, like when he was whining about her not saying anything to him on Memorial Days. She told him it was for the dead and not the living. Then as you may remember he talked about how it was the worst day for him to which she replied, “My worst day was when I found out my dad was cheating on my mom.” Didn’t matter. He just told her he was sorry about that and that I had never loved him. So, I guess that means he was justified. I think all of us, Picasso included, realize the futility of ripping into him.

      When Rock Star found out she couldn’t get her license I told her she should take it up with her dad. She basically said it wouldn’t do any good because he’s always the victim and he doesn’t care anyway.

      That’s the way I feel, too. I could bitch him out. I could tell him all the crappy things the kids are enduring. But he wouldn’t care; he’s focused on himself and Harley. And he’d turn it all around so that it was my fault and he was the poor, innocent victim. Plus, from reading Chump Lady I think it would just be feeding his ego. Believe me, I do really debate laying into him and letting him know what an absolutely shitty human being I think he is. I just don’t think it would do any good.

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      1. I feel like it gives him a free pass – he has no clue what his kids are going through so in his mind I”m sure he thinks it’s all ok with them they are just fine too bad his family supports his fuckery he needs a good stiff slap in the face of wake the fuck up and be an adult and a father

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      2. Oh he’s definitely getting a free pass. Like I said I’ve considered telling him everything she’s lost and everything she’s going through. I think it would be better coming from her and she feels like it’s pointless. Picasso has said since the beginning his dad is dead to him so I don’t expect him to ever say anything.

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  4. Sam

    I don’t know how large the city is in that you are in – but please look for a Jewish Family Services or a Jewish vocational services (or some variation of the name). They serve all — not just Jewish clients. They may be able to help. Please check. Catholic Social Services may offer similar services as well and you likely don’t have to be Catholic.

    I am sorry about Rockstar’s experience so far. It is early in the school year and it simply sucks.

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      1. If they have a career or vocational program, they provide everything you could think of in terms of finding a job — career counseling, interview help, and sometimes even placement help. All that likely is free and they should be use to helping women like you.

        As an agency, they also offer regular counseling, etc and it should be free or very low cost given your lack of income and perhaps your kids might benefit.

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  5. Sorry S. This is again a difficult read for me because I hate kids having to suffer for the shitty stuff parents do. I don’t know about you, but I had a great time growing up, and it breaks me in two to know my kids won’t get the same thing. Keep hanging in there.

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    1. I’m sure your kids won’t go through this. You’re a good dad and you won’t yank the rug out from underneath them. It sounds like they’ll be going to the same school and more than likely keep the same standard of living. I’m just really screwed over because of CF’s middle aged temper tantrum. Like I said above if he were paying what he was supposed to be paying I wouldn’t have a care in the world.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I’m so sorry. I fear this may be where I’m heading too as we’ve lived a very privileged life. My children have so many opportunities that may have to end. I’m sure I’m mildly depressed as well but you’re right, we have up everything and now, it’s a struggle just thinking how to make it work or how to get an opportunity.
    What is it you want to do?
    I’m usually good at coming up with ideas (not job fairs, unemployment agencies, or anything like that – in with you on those, waste of time).
    My heart hurts for your precious daughter and I’m glad your son is doing ok.
    I hate your husband too. I mean I’d throat punch him for you if I saw him. I’m sure I have enough pent up anger that it would feel really good 😉.
    Again, so sorry you’re going through this. There are no other words.
    ((((((((((hugs)))))))))))

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    1. Life is not fair to those of us who choose to trust our spouses when they say they value a stay at home parent. We stay at home, take care of the kids, take care of the house, make it so the working spouse can travel, attend last minute dinners, stay late, and concentrate on their career. Then we get tossed aside and most states say, “Oh well. Should have planned ahead.” Or you get a shit eating chimp like mine who decides to play crazy.

      I have been asking myself for years now what it is that I want to do. I really don’t know. I figure I’m too old to try to find something that I love to do and make some money at it; I need to find something that pays well. If I’m going to hate what I do I may as well make decent money, right? Unfortunately, because I just moved I can’t go back to school right now; I have to wait a year.

      I’m thinking of nursing. I don’t really want to be a nurse but there are plenty of jobs and it pays well. Like I said, I may as well hate being a nurse and make $70-$80k/year instead of hating being a receptionist and making a shitty $20k/year.

      Can you take your husband back to court? I know you said at one point you were afraid support would be lowered but if he’s not paying anything you may as well take a chance.

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      1. I hope you get your feet on the ground in a career that you like that pays well. I hope we both do. He pays me some, just not all but it kills him to do it. He always does it on his terms to keep some control. He’s exhausting. I can take him to court if I need to but I am scared it would be a waste of time. I’m scared I’d lose more than I already have. He’s on the 3rd girl he’s in love with right now and he’s really into partying like he is in college. Loser. Paying me takes away from his party fund.
        One day it will not be like this. It will not be. I refuse to let it be.

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