Eh

I asked Rock Star yesterday morning if she hated it here. Her answer was, “Eh.” I asked her what that meant. She looked at me and replied, “Well, I went from being everything to being nothing.” So for all of you who were so confident that she was going to do amazing things here at her new school? You were all wrong. Again, I point to the blog entry, “Why I’m a Pessimist”. My kid, a former superstar, is a nameless, faceless nobody with no driver’s license. Homecoming is this weekend. I don’t think she’s going to the game and I know she’s not going to the dance. While I get to watch friend after friend post pictures of their handsome sons in tuxes or lovely daughters in beautiful dresses I get to post a picture of my kid wearing jeans and sitting alone in her room. I won’t, more than likely, but if I did, that’s what her Homecoming picture would look like.

Eh is also how I’m feeling, folks. I haven’t been around as much because I’ve been trying to write a resume and cover letters, apply for jobs online, go to job fairs, and other unpleasant, confidence shattering experiences. I spent over an hour today trying to apply at temp agencies only to not be able to find a damn parking space at the first agency and then to find out the second agency is no longer at the address that was listed.

I know that the whole “no parking” probably sounds like a weak excuse. Bear with me. Our downtown is a mess. They are doing construction on multiple streets at once as they put roundabouts in and create two way traffic after twenty or thirty years of one way streets. So, first I had to find the place and needed to make several loops around all this construction in the first place. Then once I’ve found it I have to try to figure out where to turn in for parking because there is nothing in front. The agency is right up on the road with no parking lot. I go around the block once again only to find out that the parking spots in back of the agency are all labeled “Bank Parking Only”. Awesome! I finally said, “Fuck it!” and moved on to the second agency.

Naturally, I go the wrong way the first time and then I pass it by the second time. Well, pass it by is kind of a misnomer because it ended up that the agency is no longer there!

To top off this wonderful day I filled out an online application for a job that I’m actually really interested in. I submit the application and attach my resume and cover letter. Then I go to apply for another similar position (doesn’t pay as well though). It was at that moment that I realized when I filled out my employment dates I only used the month and year so they didn’t get recorded on the application. So much for my cover letter where I state all my volunteer experience has led me to pay attention to detail. Guess I won’t be getting an interview for that job.

I’ve also done as so many people suggested and went down to the local unemployment office. Oh, they’ll help you with your resume! They’ll help you find a job! Guess what? They don’t. I talked to a “jobs specialist” for 30-45 minutes and he basically asked me some questions and showed me some websites where I could look for jobs. Wow! You know, I’m fairly certain I could do that from the comfort of my home while wearing my jammies and eating donuts. As for the resume writing? Oh, don’t make me laugh! I was told to come back later that day and when I did I was given his card and told to call him and make an appointment. So, I did. And he didn’t have appointments available until the 22nd (and this was on Friday). I was encouraged to come to a “networking group” and to bring up the topic of resume help.

Yesterday I went to a job fair. I talked to a few people. I feel like, again, it was a waste of time. It’s not like anyone was hiring on the spot. It was pretty much a chance to give companies your resume, which again, I could have done without going to a damn job fair. I had already put in applications or looked at their online job search for three of the companies that I talked to. The only company that seemed really interested in getting people signed up was a casino. Unfortunately, all three locations are at least 30-45 minutes away, I would have to work evenings, and when I went to look on the website it looked like the position I had talked to the representative about was only part time. AND they didn’t bother with listing the pay. I’m not driving 45 minutes for a part-time $9/hour job.

Finally, I answered my mom’s phone for her. Her friend told me it was good to hear laughter in my voice again. This was actually really funny because I’ve spent the day crying off and on.  She was encouraging me, telling me how wonderful I am and how I can do this and she just knows I’ll get a good job and do great things. Then she goes on to say something along the lines of, “And maybe you’ll get a job at one of the hospitals making $14 or $15 an hour but you can still apply for food stamps and get government aid. You’ve never taken it before but if you need it you should apply for it and take it.” Lucky me I’m still eligible for food stamps! That’s the sad part. I can work 40 hours a week, even get a second job, but I’m getting paid so little I still can’t support myself and my kids and I still qualify for and will probably need food stamps. Life is grand!

Seriously, if there are any women out there reading this that are contemplating quitting your jobs to be a stay at home mom DON’T DO IT! Even if you hate your job, even if all your money is going to daycare, keep working! If your husband tells you he makes enough money and he wants you to concentrate on the kids and the house tell him to fuck off. If he wants to relocate and you need to give up your job tell him you’ll miss him. For the love of God, ladies, don’t EVER rely on a man. Sorry, my male readers; it’s not an indictment of you. It’s more that as women we are extremely vulnerable when we rely on our husbands for our livelihood and our future retirement.

Can I just tell you how completely humiliating this all is? I’ve gone from living on six figures a year to applying for Medicaid and food stamps, and being approved for free textbooks and lunches for my kids.

I hate that motherfucker. I KNOW he’s going to get away with everything. A judge is going to buy his bullshit and rule that he doesn’t have to pay me any spousal support. Hell, if I have a job by the time we go to court I wouldn’t be surprised to find out I’m ordered to pay HIM. And child support? Everyone says there’s no way he’ll get out of paying child support at the very least but I have my doubts. Regardless, even if he is ordered to pay it I doubt it will be much. People have said that if he does get disability I will be able to take part of that. My reply is, “Big fucking deal.” It’s not like he’s getting company disability where he would receive 75% of his pay. No, he’ll end up getting something like $2000/month. If I’m really really lucky he’ll be ordered to pay around $500/month. What a joke. I won’t take it. I’ll burn it every damn month before I let him puff his chest out and declare he’s supporting his kids. I have no doubt he’s decided that if he’s going to have to pay out most of his paycheck to me then he may as well not bother with working. Disability will pay him almost as much as he has had left over after paying me spousal and child support so why not sit around drinking, watching TV and fucking a whore?

Everybody keeps telling me that I can advance and that just because I’m not making much now doesn’t mean that I won’t make more later. Unfortunately, I’m not starting out with a blank slate. I’m starting out with almost $1000 in bills/month and two teenage kids. I’m probably looking at paying another retainer to my lawyer which means maxing out two credit cards and paying an additional $100/month. Once Rock Star finally gets her license I’ll have another $115 to add to my monthly obligations. I have a daughter who will begin her senior year in less than a year. My prediction is that I won’t have money to pay for senior pictures. I won’t have money to pay for graduation announcements. It’s not like she has a lot of friends or like I know a lot of people around here, but I’m not going to have money to throw a graduation party. Hell, at this point I don’t have enough money to take her out to dinner afterwards. Maybe if she’s really really lucky I can go through the McDonald’s drive-thru and get her an extra value meal instead of having to buy something off the Value Menu. Maybe let her have two sweet teas instead of only one. Meanwhile, in Whore Town I’m sure Harley’s daughter will have one hell of a graduation celebration and Cousinfucker will be there with bells on, cheering her on and playing the proud dad.

Her kids haven’t missed out on anything; they haven’t had to give a damn thing up. My kids have lost their home, their friends; they’ve been moved yet again. My son is doing well but my daughter has nothing to look forward to and is resigned to two more years of hell in this high school, just getting through the day and getting a diploma. No cheerleading. No gymnastics. No more being a superstar. No more being the talk of the school. Just plow through and get the diploma and don’t ever look back. Her kids got a new puppy, DirectTV, car repairs, and thousands of dollars in gifts. Her daughter continues on with cheerleading. She didn’t have to quit. My daughter works a part-time job because her dad is a fucking deadbeat and I won’t be making enough money to pay for her clothes, make-up, and dinners out.

I know my posts haven’t been cheerful lately. I’ve been downright morose. What can I say? I’m feeling the pressure. I do not believe for one minute that I’m going to get any help from him so all of this falls on my shoulders. I need a job. I’m freaking out over my resume and cover letters; I think they look like shit. Everything I’ve been trying to do seems to take five times as long as it should. I’m overwhelmed. My heart breaks daily for my daughter who is struggling. I wonder if I’m going to end up leaving my kids to raise themselves these last few years of their childhood because I’ll be off working all the time in order to be able to put food on the table and have some leftover money to buy them clothes, or take them to the movies (when???) or out to dinner (again, when???). I’m probably mildly depressed, too.

I am going to do my best to turn this around and stop moping so much. I can’t promise miracles but I will try.