Note: I’m currently hard at work on another version of this because I know it’s depressing. So, even though this doesn’t read like it I am feeling a little bit better. Not because anything amazing has happened recently. No, in fact the job that I really would have been interested in rejected me but I’m telling myself, “That’s only one job. There will be others.”
I’ve been commenting on another person’s blog and some of the advice I’ve given is: Take it day by day or even hour by hour. And: Being in limbo is the worst; it’s all that unknowing. I’ve even written here that there is relief to be found when I finally drop the rope and let it go. I think I need to take my own advice.
I can’t be alone to think because every time I think my mind is flooded with bad thoughts. Not bad as in, “Uh-oh! She’s going to do something illegal!” More like, bad as in overwhelming and doubting myself and believing my life is basically over and I will never have anything again ever. So I can’t be alone to think. I’m going to try playing the radio or my iPod instead and singing loudly.
Speaking of music and positive thinking, I finally took my cheater songs off as my alarm. Back when Cousinfucker was still living in the house I decided to set all my alarms to songs that were in my Freedom songlist. There was “Before He Cheats”, “Cheater Cheater”, “Look It Up”, “Your Lips Are Movin’”, and “Since U Been Gone”. I knew he could hear them every morning so I delighted in playing them. But, he hasn’t lived with me in over six months. I got tired of listening to them. Honestly, I don’t like having the same song played over and over for too long. I need to mix it up. So, I downloaded some new songs and I’m using them instead. No love songs, but nothing about cheating either.
Other things I can’t allow myself to do: I can’t think ahead; I can’t visualize the future. I never allow myself to picture good things. I can’t allow myself to do so because I don’t want to deal with the disappointment if things don’t turn out well. Remember, in my version of being a pessimist it’s not that I’m wanting bad things to happen or even expecting them to happen. I just don’t expect good things to happen and I’m fully prepared for the worst case situation. If something great happens, well, that’s wonderful; however, I never anticipate that.
As much as it feels counterproductive I need to take it day by day and not think about anything long term. No use in worrying about not getting a job. Worrying won’t help me get one, and if I do get hired someplace then I worried for nothing.
The idea that there is a higher power that wants me to go through all of this bullshit for some purpose makes me want to vomit; nonetheless, I’m going to go with it for now. It’s that or go crazy. So hey, if anyone out there can shed some light on why God has decided to kick my ass feel free to let me know. The idea that the one set of footprints I see in the sand is Him carrying me is a BULLSHIT right about now. But hey, maybe He decided I was too materialistic, or too snobbish. Maybe He figured I needed to be humbled and completely broken. I don’t know. Maybe losing everything will somehow free me and that’s the lesson. Yes, because now I no longer wish to live in a spacious beautiful 4000 square foot home with modern amenities. I don’t want granite countertops or a jacuzzi tub or a big huge walk-in shower. Those poor, poor people who have all those luxuries will never know the pleasure of gardening and picking fruit from their own fruit trees, shopping for off brand food at the grocery stores, wiping their asses with cheap scratchy toilet paper or making clothes out of dryer lint.
I’m not doing a very good job at this one, am I? Perhaps I should skip over all the “It’s happening for a reason” crap. It really pisses me off. Because here’s the thing. I was a nice person. I was generous. I was kind. I volunteered. I gave and gave and gave. I didn’t act like I was better than others. I didn’t make fun of people. I was empathetic. I was a good person so I don’t know why I’ve lost everything. I don’t know what else God wants me to do or learn. Hell, I went to church until I moved. Now I have no desire to go. Picasso is an atheist and Rock Star really doesn’t care to go again and start all over. Why bother? I know some people say the church can be a great resource and a way to network. I have found that the church is a great resource for some people, usually those in the spotlight. The rest of us are left to flounder.
I was very involved in my church years ago before we moved out west. I led a small group, worked in the children’s church every week, helped with the meal team, helped out with Vacation Bible School, created and led the MOPS group. When I was getting ready to move and CF was already out there working, leaving me with two small kids all on my own, one of the pastors asked for help on my behalf. Two people volunteered to send us a meal. Two.
I never felt like I fit in at the church I attended out west. I met a few people but only in the sense that I knew their names and would say hello. I didn’t make any friendships outside of church. Eventually I quit going and cut off all contact.
Most recently we attended for almost 7 months before moving. I never really met a single person in that entire time. They were plenty friendly. The pastor said hello. But I didn’t make any new friends and there was certainly no networking. There was no one offering up a low rent house that would accept pets. No one who was offering a job. Which is what everyone assumes seems to happen when you join a church.
I could start attending on Sunday but the chances that I would eventually befriend someone who could help me job wise are extremely slim. And call me quaint or old-fashioned but I believe the purpose of going to church should be strengthening your faith and your relationship with God.
I’m going to do my best to drop the rope and let it go. I can’t control it. It sucks to the extreme. But I have to learn to say, “I have lost everything and I’m okay with that.” I have to learn to separate my life into chapters. My life the past two years is one chapter. This is another chapter. It is the same for my kids. I have to learn to be okay with this new chapter in Rock Star’s life.
At one time she was a gymnast. Our life was scheduled around gymnastics. That was a chapter. Then we moved. It was really difficult for her to leave it behind, but it was also very difficult for me. I had lived almost all of her life as a gymnast’s mom. That was who I was and now it was gone.
Instead she became popular and had the world by its tail. She was a star on the high school gymnastics team but gymnastics wasn’t her whole life like before. She had a great group of friends. She went to football games. She dated boys. She began cheering. She went to youth group. She knew her principal and her teachers. She was voted hottest girl in her grade. The boys wanted to date her, the girls wanted to be her friend, and everybody watched her. That was another chapter. Then we moved again. She’s not popular. No one knows who she is. Gymnastics is completely gone. There will be no cheerleading. Her only outside activity is working a job. There will be no more sports banquets. There will be no Hall of Fame. There will be no pictures of her gracing the cover of the Booster Club program her senior year. There are no more competitions or meets. She had to give up her team captain spot. This is her new chapter. There is no point in dwelling on everything she’s lost because she can’t get it back. She had a really good life and now she doesn’t. At one point she had everything. Now she has nothing. Those things happen. Honestly, if anyone would take her back there I would let her go live with them so she could finish out her last two years at the school she loves. If she told me she wanted to be homeschooled, or to do online school I would let her. There’s absolutely no point in her attending this school because she’s not getting a damn thing out of it. I had a kid who was having a dream high school experience; now I don’t. It sucks. The rest of high school for her is going to be nothing more than 2 years to get through so she can go to college, assuming we can get enough aid for her to go because I sure as hell can’t afford to pay for her to go. Two more years in this chapter for her. Two years of putting her head down, gritting her teeth and working part-time.
This is supposed to be positive though, correct? So let’s spin that into this new chapter will include her focusing completely on her education, downsizing her social group to an extremely small group, freeing herself from the illusion of those high school glory days. You don’t want to peak in high school, right? And this way she won’t be sad about graduating and leaving behind friend because she really doesn’t have any. Plus she is developing a wonderful work ethic. I mean sure, she had a fantastic work ethic before and had to learn to prioritize when she was training 20+ hours for gymnastics and when she was busy with after school activities. But this is different and so much more valuable. She’s going to get so much out of providing for herself and no longer relying on her mother to provide her anything other than food and shelter. She won’t be one of those spoiled, pampered kids who’s had everything handed to her.
I think the biggest thing is being in limbo. Those months between D-Day and the temporary support orders were rough because I didn’t know what was going to happen. I ended up getting screwed but at least once the screwing was complete I knew what I had to work with. I’m back in that situation. I have no idea how court is going to go. My guess is I’m once again going to get screwed. Hell, even if he’s ordered to pay a decent amount of support it’s not like I’m going to see it, and I’ve been told that if the judge believes his sob story about PTSD then I can’t even throw his sorry ass into jail for nonpayment. BUT once we have a settlement I know what I have to work with. There won’t be anymore guessing. If I had to guess though I would say I’m going to end up with half of his 401k, which I can’t touch unless I want to pay huge taxes that would result in me netting maybe half of the amount and would leave me with no retirement funds. I also figure I’ll be awarded half of his pension, which again, won’t do me any good until he retires. I’m guessing I’ll receive no spousal support, arrears, or reimbursement of money spent on Harley. In a similar vein I don’t think I’ll ever see half of the stock he cashed in and spent on her, or any of the stock he walked away from, or my half of the damn tax return. Whatever child support he’s ordered to pay, which I believe will be minimal anyway, I will never see. I would also guess that the marital debt will end up being evenly split since Cousinfucker isn’t working, although to be honest I wouldn’t be surprised if I got saddled with more than 50% if I get a job before we go to court and he’s still sitting around moping.
So what do I with my guesses? Do I tell myself not to worry because that’s in the future and I have no way of knowing? Or do I just say, “What the hell? I’m on my own. It sucks. It’s unfair. But this is what I have to work with so let’s do it.”
I know I’m still clinging to that rope of my old life. I also know it’s gone. It will never be recovered. It’s hard to figure out whether or not I should just accept that and the fact that I will never have anything worth having again, or if I should think positive thoughts and believe with all my heart that I’ll get a great job and I’ll be able to provide for my kids without government assistance and can tell that shit eating chimp to fuck off.