IfOnlyMommy’s Inspiration

You all know how much I love making memes. Lately I’ve had some awesome comments which make me laugh and which I consider meme worthy. Last week or so it was Whitney’s comment about hoping CF had recently been kicked in the nuts. The funny part was how sweet and sincere she sounded when she said, “I know it’s not very charitable but….”

Earlier today it was IfOnlyMommy who made me laugh. It was such a great comment I felt it needed a meme and she gave me the thumbs up so here it is:

1dagw7

If I Had a Time Machine

I haven’t forgotten about the rest of the fall TV lineup. When I wrote my original review there were still a handful of shows I wanted to see that were premiering later. I think almost all of them have premiered but I haven’t written a review yet.

One of the shows that premiered later and which I’ve been watching (obviously!) is Timeless over on NBC. It is about a stolen time machine and the crew who is trying to get the bad guys back into present time. Naturally, they have a backup time machine. They have two jobs- #1 find the bad guys who hijacked the first time machine and bring them back, #2 make sure they don’t change history because if that happens who knows what the ramifications might be!

Here’s my quick review: I find the plot line intriguing. The actual execution is not as well done. One person came back and her life has been completely changed, but no one else seems to have experienced that. I’m also a bit confused as to how it is that history can change but the people work at the time machine lab are fully aware of the changes. I’m not sure how they are immune to this. However, I love history so I really enjoy the way they go back in time and how they explore that. I love the costumes and the customs of the times. It’s also fascinating to imagine yourself going back in time and having the knowledge that you have now. But the larger storyline involving some arch villain (or organization that is the arch villain) is somewhat tedious.

I keep watching for the historical aspects of it. I’d give it a 6 out of 10. It’s not one of those shows that I look forward to watching every week, but it’s a good way to kill some time. Ha ha ha.

This got me to thinking: What if I had a time machine? Where would I go? What would I do? Obviously I’d go back and play the winning lottery numbers, right? Or bet on the Kentucky Derby or some sporting event. Hell, invest in Google or Apple!

For some reason this is always frowned upon in these situations. I don’t get it. Even if time machines were real it’s not like there are a plethora of them sitting around waiting for people to hijack them and go back in time to bet on games!

So, all money aside, where would I go to alter my own life? My first choice was to go back to the day in May when I met Cousinfucker. I thought maybe my re-do would involve never meeting him. I have no idea how my life would be different now. I suppose it could have ended up worse. Doubtful, but possible. Hey- I was doing the old-fashioned version of online dating at that time in my life. I had 2 or 3 other guys interested in me and I had to pick that shit eating chimp. I’m not saying I would have ended up marrying any of the other 3 guys but surely it wouldn’t have ended as badly as this did!

Of course, then I had the thought that most people think when they’re thinking about this. What about the children???? If I never met Cousinfucker then I wouldn’t have Rock Star and Picasso. Practically speaking, if I had never met him I would never have had them and I wouldn’t even know they were a possibility. In my alternate universe maybe I have little Emily and Zachary and I can’t imagine life without them. But, in reality that moment has passed. I did meet Cousinfucker. I did marry him and I did have two children with him. I know them. I like them. I don’t want replacement children. So….

Where do we go in time next, if we can’t prevent myself from meeting Cousinfucker? So many choices.

I could go back to 2002, soon after Picasso’s birth. I’ve got both kids. I’ve been out of the workforce for 2 years, basically. Cousinfucker was making good money. About half of what he currently makes. But, the kids and I wouldn’t have been used to having a lot of money. They would be young; they would have no idea what it was like to have married parents. They wouldn’t be experiencing the upheaval they’re experiencing now. I would be 33, still young enough that I could jump back in to working and possibly even find love again. Bonus, at this point I was only approximately 2 hours away from my mom so even moving back to the area wouldn’t have been as difficult.

I would be the one at fault for leaving in this situation. Looking back though, when your mother-in-law asks you if your second child was wanted or if you tricked your husband into having another one, things probably aren’t that good. CF was acting like a shit most of the time. It wouldn’t have been adultery level reasons for leaving, but I think it would have been just.

Honestly, I was still very invested in my children having a two parent home. Despite any problems I wasn’t willing to leave him. I was going to stick it out. By golly, it was going to get better!

I suppose my most obvious time to change history would have been back in 2013 after I found out he had been carrying on with Harley all summer despite telling me he had ended it with her. Do I use my time machine to go back to that day and end things with him?

Instead of telling him to get his head out of his ass and decide what he wanted I could go back in time and tell him that I knew they were still involved. I could tell him I wanted his pathetic ass out of the house and not to return. That when the kids and I left to go to my stepfather’s memorial service he could retrieve all of his items then and get the hell out. No second chance. No reconciliation. No trying to make things work.

Now, at this point in time I am 44 years old. I’ve been out of the workforce for 13 years. That’s still a huge gap. BUT, I have friends. I have a support network. I could possibly have been offered a job at the school. Several people I knew and volunteered with through PTA ended up working at the school. That could have been an option. I had a friend who was a supervisor at her job. She might have been able to put in a good word for me and I might have been able to get on there. Her daughter also works at a company who is frequently hiring and her daughter seems to like this company a lot. Again, with a good word from her I might be working a 40 hour a week job that pays decently, instead of what I’m looking at now. Or, I have a few friends who work from home for an airline. They were often posting on Facebook about hiring opportunities. Unfortunately for me now, you have to live in that city so it’s not a possibility for me. Regardless, I knew a lot of people so I had a lot of networking possibilities. The job situation would have definitely been better. My kids could have remained in their sports more than likely. I’m almost certain the gym would have worked with me, and I’m pretty sure the hockey team had scholarships available. 2013 would have been a good time. I would have had a lot of support and much better job prospects. Downside? Getting divorced with my family 1500 miles away.

Or, my final destination could have been to the year 2014. Technically, I would have still needed to have gone back to 2013 because that’s when he began talking about moving to Whoreville. Once he was caught and we “reconciled” and things were “better than ever” he offered to give up on his dream job. I could go back to that day and say, “Thanks, sweetie! I’m so glad to hear that because the kids and I don’t want to move.” I could have vetoed the move and also taken steps to protect myself and my kids in case he did it again.

Of all the options that one seems the least invasive. Go back to that day and stand your ground. Tell him you don’t want to move and you won’t move your kids. Tell him to let The Powers That Be (TPTB) know Whoreville is no longer on the table because his wife refuses to go, the first time in his career that she has ever done so. Rock Star gets to continue on with gymnastics. Picasso gets to continue to play hockey and the cello. Hell, maybe once TPTB know that relocating him is out of the question Cousinfucker would actually get a real promotion and not a lateral transfer! Maybe he would have been an area VP instead of what he was offered. At the very least maybe he would have become the GM when they convinced his GM to relocate.

And then go a step further! Insist that he pay for me to go back to school so that I can get a good job. Or, start working again. Use those contacts and get a job. Best case scenario might even be work part-time and go to school full-time. All while insisting he support me in doing so. Not just monetarily, but physically by helping with the housework, the laundry, the shopping, getting the kids where they need to be.

Maybe if all that had happened we would still be married and I would still be happy. My kids would still be happy. The last two years would not have existed.

Would not moving have helped? If we go with CF’s logic that I hated him and his whole impetus to seek out Harley was because I hated him and was so miserable, then perhaps. When I’m bored I have time to think. I had lots of time to think in Whoreville. I had nothing to do. Back in 2013 I had plenty to do. And at that particular moment I was happy with him. Things were going well. Maybe if that had remained the status quo I wouldn’t have written so much on the other FB page. I would have been too busy. There would have been nothing to report back to him. He wouldn’t have spiraled out of control. He wouldn’t have cheated again. He wouldn’t have left me.

But is that true? That’s quite the gamble. I might be throwing away my ticket to change history if that’s where I choose to stop. He lied to me. First it was multiple women. Then it was only her. I later find out there was at least one other person besides Harley. I have no idea if he continued to cheat while I thought we were happy. I’d like to believe he didn’t, but I don’t know that for certain. The only thing I know is that he lies. We were happy as long as I never brought up his affair with Harley. We were happy as long as I focused on the future. We were happy as long as I danced and danced for him. We were happy as long as I was ticking boxes off of that list he gave me. How long could I dance?

No, if I were given the chance to go back and change my history I would go back to 2002, possibly 2003, shortly after my son was born. I would leave him then. I would have my kids, and yes, I might have had to have shared them more than I do now, but it would have been worth it. Honestly, I don’t think he would have taken them. A 2 year old and an infant? Way too much work! He whined when he was left with only one of them for a few hours! An entire weekend with both of them? Don’t make me laugh!

I could have jumped back into the workforce and be making a decent living right now. I might possibly have met someone new and could be happily married now. Hell, it’s a long shot but I might have actually had another child.

My kids would have no idea what was going on. They wouldn’t feel the pinch because the oldest would have only been 2 or possibly 3. They would know nothing else but parents who were divorced.

The way that it has transpired in the year 2015 they were and are keenly aware of everything that is going on. They know what they are losing, and they have lost a lot. They are cognizant of every change. I’m sure that at 2 or 3 they realize something is going on; they just don’t know what. And typically, as long as the sane parent keeps it together and keeps providing a safe, comfortable environment they adjust; they don’t really have a frame of reference. At 15 or 16, they know and they can see each and every upheaval headed their way.They do have a frame of reference and they probably can’t help but compare their two different lives.

Going back to 2013 would be comfortable. It would provide most of the creature comforts that we have known. Our lives wouldn’t change at all. Until he did it again. I could excuse that though and cling to this idea that I had friends out there and job opportunities. Hell, if I actually took steps back then to protect myself instead of believing him when he professed his great love for me, I would have had a job or a better education when he cheated again. But going back to 2013 means I’m still relying on him. I’m staking my future on being able to control his behavior.

That’s why going back to 2002 is the better option. I’m betting on myself in that instance.

1dar8w

What Do I Want?

I wrote what I considered to be a nice post about CF and I ended up with an interesting comment. Now, this person said she had read my blog so I’m guessing she wasn’t commenting strictly on my last post but on the blog as a whole. I was just going to respond in the comments but the response got very long so I decided to turn it into a separate post.

I’ve enjoyed reading your blog. I know it helps to vent. I’m not trying to be critical, but have you considered letting go of the animosity? Yes, you were lied to. Yes, he’s scum.

But perhaps it’s time to let go.

 

Have I considered letting go of the animosity? That’s an interesting question. See, back before he fucked me completely over by quitting yet another job, I was fine. I had no animosity. I wouldn’t spit on the man if he were on fire but I gave him very little thought. My kids and I were doing fine. We were going to church. My daughter was active in school. My son was going to join the marching band. I was going to start looking for a job right around the time my daughter could drive. I was looking forward to getting divorced after our one year waiting period was over. I had a plan and we were doing beautifully. But then he quit his new job. Stopped paying support. Forced us to move a second time in 2 years. Made my daughter transfer her junior year. Cost her her driver’s license and wasted my damn money. It’s been less than 5 months since he dropped that particular bomb so the animosity is relatively new. I’m not really interested in being all namaste. He’s playing some rather serious games with me and my kids and our future. I have no desire to reward that behavior. If not for his antics we would probably already be divorced and he could be married to the new love of his life.

And honestly? I’m a dream STBXW.  I’m not harassing him; I never called his phone, texted him, or sent emails repeatedly.  I didn’t break his crap. I didn’t throw anything onto the lawn. I didn’t show up at his work and cause a scene. I’ve never confronted his cousin/mistress. I don’t ever talk to him. Period. If there is information to be passed along I pass it along. If he requests something I produce it. He lived at home and paid me what he thought he was going to be ordered to pay me in spousal and child support. I was supposed to use all of my money to pay the household bills (you know, the one he was living in as well) while he got to spend his money on the whore and her kids. Every weekend he left to go be with her and then returned home so that he could go to work during the week. I let him go with no fight. Again, no harassing texts or phone calls. No showing up on her doorstep with kids in tow or even by myself. I didn’t say a word to him about it. He absolutely had it made. Hell, when I finally kicked him out of the master bedroom and into the guest room I hung up all of his clothes! Nothing was just dumped in there as many people advised me to do. Actually, what they advised me to do was dump his crap on the lawn. I didn’t. I took the high road. I waited for my day in court. If that’s animosity and seeking revenge I’d say he had nothing to complain about.

Do you know what all that got me? More lies, mainly. He lied and said I had him served and he had no idea why. He lied and said I threw everything of his in the trash. He lied and said I kicked him out of the house and that was why he had to move out of the state. He even lied and told people I wouldn’t let him take a single item from the house. If the lies weren’t enough he went one further and showed naked pictures of me to the whore. Very nice.

Oops, wait! We did have one confrontation in person when I presented him a list for his half of the household expenses but that was fairly tame. He also made the mistake of asking me if I was okay way back in the very beginning. I’m not sure you could even call it a confrontation but I did let him know that, no, I was not okay and I listed the reasons why I was not. Then there was also the time I made the grievous mistake of letting him know the support check was late (after it had been “lost” in the mail the month before). I guess you could also count the time I found out he was no longer depositing his check into our account. I confronted him and was accused of stealing every dime he made. Does the night I demanded he delete all pictures of me off of his phone after learning about his penchant for sharing them with the whore also count as a confrontation? It was quite brief, lasting only a minute or so. Nonetheless, I think he had a pretty dreamy situation going on.

As far as letting go I have let go of him. I let go the minute I heard about his affair. That doesn’t end his other obligations though. I tend to believe that this whole idea of letting go simply means agreeing to eat another shit sandwich. Or rolling over and letting them do whatever they want to do.  That’s very convenient for them and I’m sure that cheaters would love that. Who wouldn’t love to do whatever the hell they wanted to do with absolutely no consequences and everyone covering for them?

Also, this is a blog about infidelity and divorce (and a few other things here and there). It doesn’t mean his affair is center stage in my life every single minute of the day; it means this is what I’ve chosen to blog about. I’m also in the middle of a divorce. I’m sure letting go will be a lot easier once I’m legally untethered to the asshole. I have heard it said you can’t really be Meh until the divorce is over. I’m not divorced and he keeps piling shit my way so there’s always a new adventure for me, thanks to him. I’ve likened it to trying to let a wound heal when someone is always coming in and slicing it open again. You want me to heal? Stop cutting me.

Sometimes adult relationships just don’t work out. That’s life. Someone you love doesn’t love you back. It’s harsh, but it’s reality.

You are correct that sometimes adult relationships just don’t work out. That’s not what happened here though. If he had decided he just couldn’t live with me anymore that would be one thing. Instead he didn’t decide to move on until he had someone else lined up. He cheated. He had an affair. He lied and basically stole marital funds to give to his mistress. He abandoned his children and left me financially destitute.

He moved us across the country. He tore our lives apart and forced us to rebuild them. Then he tore them apart again when he began his affair. And then he did it a third time when he quit his second job in 4 months and refused to help support his kids, forcing us to move once again. I am not going to file that under Oh Well It Just Didn’t Work Out.

It was deliberate. It was deceitful. I have no desire or obligation to sweep it under the rug with a shrug of my shoulders and sigh, “These things happen. Relationships end.”

As someone who has been cheated on myself, yeah, it hurts. But you have to move forward. Especially when children are involved. I worked my ass off to get an education. However, even with an advanced degree, I would scrub toilets if I had to for my kids.

I don’t have a problem with going back to work. Unfortunately I can’t make people hire me and while it sounds good to say you’d scrub toilets, if scrubbing toilets 80 hours a week still didn’t pay your bills then you’re scrubbing toilets for nothing.

I am working. Unfortunately it doesn’t relieve the financial burden I face. Will I work the 60 hours needed in order to barely be able to pay my bills and provide for my kids? Yes, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it or act like it’s no big deal. It sucks big hairy donkey balls. I’m going to hate every single second of it and I don’t feel the need to pretend that everything is wonderful and I just love unloading trucks, stocking shelves and lugging books around. I’m sure as hell not going to work my ass off while he sits around the whorehouse drinking, watching TV, and fucking a slut and not say a word about the fact that he is not providing a damn dime in support for his kids.

This man has made 6 figures for the last 15 years and miraculously, 2 months before our divorce can be finalized, he is suddenly overcome with PTSD? Yeah, sorry but there is absolutely no way I’m going to sit down, shut up, and smile while he fucks me over up one side and down the other.

And no matter how much “adult” hurt I felt, I would never ever lay that on my kids.

I chose to marry him. I chose to have children with him. Now I am choosing to divorce him. My children will never know the hurt that I felt, nor will I ever speak poorly about their father in front of them. Because he is their father. Period.

Unfortunately for CF his kids were older when this happened and I am not going to lie to protect him. I’m not going to say that I have been 100% perfect or that they have never overheard me. I’m sure I have slipped up once or twice even with most of my conversations happening when they were out of the house. There was no way to sugarcoat any of what happened in the last 14 months. He chose to live in the house and ignore his kids the entire time. He chose to go spend the weekends with his mistress instead of watching his daughter at any of her competitions. He moved out of the house and out of the state without saying a word to his kids. He chose to never come back and see his kids. I guess I could have lied to them and told them he just moved out and that he was living down the street, but, well, that would have been a lie. And then what do I do about him never visiting them? More lies? Or maybe I could tell them I refused to let him see them and then that way he comes across as the good guy and I’m the mean, unreasonable mommy that keeps them from him. That’s not going to happen. I’m no longer his PR agent. I suppose I could have lied again when he stopped paying support and made it seem like moving them once again was all my idea for no reason at all. But you guessed it. I’m no longer his PR agent and I’m not going to lie for him.

I just want to make it clear I do not talk badly about him and I don’t lay my hurt on them. Aside from the day I had to tell my kids we were getting a divorce, and the day I informed my daughter we were going to have to move again, they have never seen me cry about any of this. Considering the fact that I have cried pretty much every. single. day since he stopped supporting them I think that’s quite a feat.

When this first happened I tried the ol’, “This Is Adult Stuff and Doesn’t Concern You” approach when my son was asking about jobs and me returning to work. At the age of 13 he was pretty spot on when he replied, “This affects my life, too, so it is my business.” I made the decision to be honest with my kids in an age appropriate manner. You asked where your dad is. He’s in his home state with his girlfriend. When asked if everyone down there knew and if they were okay with it I was honest and told them that they did indeed know and they did support it. When arranging for rides to school they wanted to know why I couldn’t take them. I told them I couldn’t take them because I had to go to a parenting class. Your dad lost his job and won’t be sending anymore money; we are going to have to move. When asked when Dad would be back I told them I didn’t know for certain but that I thought he had moved out. When I found out he had moved out of state I told them.

I don’t tell my kids he’s an asshole; I’ve even reminded them of some of the good things he did or places he went with us. They know he’s an asshole because of his actions. He hasn’t bothered to drive to see them one single time since he moved away and yet they saw him leave every weekend to go visit the whore. He won’t talk to them on the phone. He hasn’t texted either of them since June. He couldn’t be bothered to stick his head in their rooms and ask them what was up the entire six months he lived with us. He never once offered to take them to dinner or out for ice cream or to do anything with him. Whenever he texted our daughter the texts were self-serving pity parties for himself, concentrating on him and his needs. He upset her so much she ended up crying because of the things he was saying. He thinks of himself and only himself and tries to guilt her into feeling sorry for him.

I definitely don’t say to them the things I say here. Honestly, the funniest part of this whole thing is the fact that even after cheating on me he’s the one always talking crap about me! Your mom never loved me. Your mom didn’t take care of me. Your mom took a bunch of money from me. Your mom has a lawyer and I don’t. Your mom takes all of my paycheck; I barely have anything left over to live on. Read the court order, kids! Anything short of me laying down, giving him everything he wants, and then dying is going to result in him complaining about what I’m doing, and if I’m being totally honest I think he’d probably be pissed off if I died because that would mean he might actually have to take care of his own kids and that might throw a wrench in the whole setup with Harley. Yeah, he’d probably rather I just give him whatever he wants.

I’m not judging you. You were clearly f-ed over. But do you want revenge, or do you want peace? Those two emotions cannot co-exist.

I would hardly call insisting on my fair share, or him living up to the court order he agreed to, seeking revenge but if that’s what it is I’m fine with it. I’m not one of those that thinks forgiveness is necessary or even appropriate in every case. I’m not seeking peace. Truth be told, I’m not searching for either; I want my damn money that he owes me. If peace means bending over and grabbing my ankles I’m not interested. If revenge gets me what I’m owed then sign me up!

 

Things He Did Right

 

I haven’t said many nice things about Cousinfucker in this blog. In fact, I have a really long bitch list I will probably publish one of these days. It’s so long I will have to break it up into separate parts. I did want to acknowledge that he wasn’t always all bad. I like to give credit where credit is due and to present both sides as much as possible. So, here are the things he did right.

  1. He would bring me a candy bar home whenever he stopped at the gas station for Kodiak. Hey, how can you stay mad a guy who brings you chocolate? Sure, he cheated on me, lied to me, moved me across the country for no good reason, but I almost always got a Kit Kat bar if he stopped at the gas station!
  2. He did always thank me for making dinner. I will give him that compliment without any snark.
  3. He was better at remembering all of us when we were out of sight, than I am when someone is out of sight. For instance, if Rock Star and I were out together and she asked for a milkshake or some candy, I would often buy it for her. If Picasso wasn’t around, or we wouldn’t be home until after she had consumed whatever it was that I was buying, I wouldn’t even think to bring something home for him. And I rarely brought home treats for CF, mainly because he rarely wanted anything and wasn’t very upfront about what he liked anyway.
  4. He was a good provider. I never had to worry about how to pay for things for the kids. They never wanted for anything. While we were married, of course.
  5. He liked the house decorated and didn’t mind if I spent money doing so. I know some guys like the house decorated but don’t want to have to spend any money.
  6. I think I’ve mentioned before that while he didn’t often want to go many places with me he never complained about me going without him. In hindsight it probably gave him opportunity to sext with other women…
  7. We almost always had a great time on Christmas Eve. It was probably our one guaranteed great day of the year. We went bowling, sometimes caught a movie, and ate out. Then we’d let the kids open their gifts. They really enjoyed it, and I did, too. Granted, this was a later tradition which only lasted about 4 or 5 years, but it was nice while it lasted.
  8. He had a really good sense of humor, although he rarely showed it off.
  9. He did occasionally go with us or participate in family events with us. I remember one year I took all the ornaments off the Christmas tree and decorated it with New Year’s Eve decorations. We went outside at midnight and had a silly string fight with the kids and lit sparklers. The next year we had the silly string fight in the morning and in the house. He also went with us to DisneyLand and the Grand Canyon. Both times we had a good time and lots of laughs, which means he’s capable; we just weren’t worth the effort.
  10. He let me spend money however I wanted so long as he always had enough.
  11. This is probably due to the fact that he didn’t spend a lot of time with them, but he sometimes had more patience with the kids, especially Rock Star, than I did.
  12. He helped the kids with their homework.
  13. He was very handy around the house. He could do pretty much anything- electrical, installing ceiling fans, replacing garbage disposals, drywall, running cable, replacing garage doors. The list is pretty extensive.
  14. Similarly, he was one of the few people I knew that was book smart and also had common sense. At least until recently. He’s lost his damn mind now! But, generally speaking, if someone was book smart they weren’t worth a damn when it came to changing oil or doing anything around the house. The guys I knew that were handy might have been very intelligent as well; however, they didn’t value education.
  15. Not that we took a lot of vacations after we had kids but before we had kids whenever we would go on vacation his philosophy was always that he was there to have a good time. No holds barred. No expense spared. He wasn’t afraid to spend money and liked to splurge.
  16. He was rarely left alone with both kids. I do remember my daughter telling me though that the weekend I left him in charge while I went to a wedding (because of course he had no interest in going with me) that she and her brother had a lot of fun. Again, Dad didn’t mind spending money so he took them out to breakfast and to a family fun center and he splurged for the deluxe package where they could play all the games and ride all the rides and do everything that was offered. She told me she was actually hoping I would go out of town more often! So, he had it in him to be a good father. He was capable. He just didn’t. And that’s a sad thing because I really believe he had a lot to offer to his kids.
  17. Again, he had a good sense of humor. Rock Star said that her friends loved her dad whenever he would actually interact with anyone. He had the ability, but again, he chose not to most of the time.
  18. He was willing to help out family members. Oh, I know, he was more than willing to help out ol’ Harley, but I’m speaking to what he was willing to do before her. Even if I was the one leading the charge he was willing to go along with it. We frequently paid for airline tickets for Tammy Faye and Pastor Fake; we sent care packages and helped them out with bills on occasion. I sent care packages to my niece in college. We gave his sister money to help buy clothes for her son when she and Husband #2 were going through a tough financial time. I paid for my niece (Queen Bee) to come out to see us 4 or 5 summers and then paid for season passes for her as well. I ended up putting my mom on my cell phone bill after my stepdad died so that she could save money by being a part of a family plan. We were in agreement that we would help pay for my niece’s wedding when the time came if she needed it.
  19. He didn’t complain when I wanted to fly people to wherever we were. I paid for my BFF to come to where we were several times. Granted, I flew her on Southwest when they were having their specials so it cost less than $100, but still… We also flew another friend out twice after we left the area. I flew Rock Star’s best friend out for Thanksgiving back in 2014 and I flew my mom out so she could see Rock Star is one of her out of state meets. He was in full agreement with me to pay for one of Rock Star’s teammate’s travel to out of state competitions. Her parents were going through a hard time financially so she couldn’t compete at any of the out of state meets that year. They declined our offer but he was at least willing to do that for her.
  20. He taught Picasso how to bat.
  21. He was always on top of ordering flowers for our mothers for Mother’s Day and/or birthdays.
  22. He did always buy me a gift for our anniversary and my birthday.
  23. He would always send me flowers for Mother’s Day and Valentine’s Day.
  24. I’m going to have an entire separate post about all the bad gifts he bought, but I will give him credit for this: If you gave the man a list and told him what you wanted he did a very good job of following that list. I realize that some people don’t do that so I will acknowledge that.
  25. Sometimes on his own he would do a good job of picking out a good gift. He liked the pricy stuff- laptops, digital cameras, tablets, iPods, Garmins.
  26. He liked animals. I’m not sure I should list this because he walked away from our 3 dogs and 3 cats without a second glance, but he did like animals. I’m thankful he didn’t mind having the ones we had.
  27. Along those lines he did come home early when we had to put our first dog down. He was 14 1/2 and had gone downhill in a matter of hours. We had a vet who would come to our house for all vet visits, and he came over to do the deed. I was very surprised, but pleased, when Zack showed up to be with us.
  28. He was also the one to suggest cremation for our first cat instead of just burying him in the backyard. In hindsight this was brilliant because we ended up moving so had we not cremated them (the first dog and first cat) we would have left them behind when we moved.
  29. When our second dog got hit by a car he picked him up and took him to the emergency vet for care instead of having him put down.
  30. He would rock Picasso to sleep each night. Yes, I did the grunt work of actually getting him ready but CF would rock him to sleep and put him in bed.
  31. He was also always willing to lay down with Rock Star when she was a baby. She slept with us forever and wouldn’t go to sleep unless someone was with her. He was that person most often.
  32. He would play video games with Picasso. Not all the time, but often. I think they had a good time together.
  33. He took Picasso to a movie on opening night. I am not an opening night type of person. He wanted to go and I told him that he could see if his dad would take him. He asked just as CF walked in the door from work and he actually took him, right then and there.
  34. I was told that the first night I was at the hospital after having Picasso my little Rock Star was a hysterical mess. She had never been away from me and despite having her father and both grandmothers there for her she was crying and screaming for me. He got down on the floor with her and put his nose right up against hers and let her scream until she finally calmed down and fell asleep. He didn’t get frustrated. He didn’t get angry. He just laid there with her.
  35. I think I’ve also told the story of meeting up with a long time friend who recounted how we had gone out to dinner and he spent the entire time rocking Rock Star, talking to her, playing with her. He was besotted with her.
  36. He took Picasso twice all night long so that I could get some sleep. That child did not sleep through the night until he was four years old, but I will say thank you for the two times I actually got a full night’s sleep.
  37. I signed us up for ballroom dance lessons and he actually agreed to go. I also signed us up for swing dancing lessons and he again went along with it. Granted, that was back in 2001 but he still went.
  38. I could call him from the road when the kids and I were traveling and ask him to reserve hotel rooms for us. He liked acting as my travel agent. He booked most of my airline tickets (not that I traveled a huge amount) and one time when Rock Star and I were getting in late he booked a hotel room for us so we didn’t have to drive back at 1 in the morning. He even got us the breakfast tickets.
  39. He fathered my two fabulous children.

That’s all I can think of for now. That might be all there is, honestly. I’m actually a little surprised that the list was that long. But since this is a post to give credit where credit is due I’m not going to shit all over it. I will say I’m not all that shocked that most of his good deeds are surrounded by money. That is where he excelled. I hope it doesn’t make me sound like a money grubbing bitch who, as he always liked to claim, only stayed with him for the money. I’m working with what I have. If I had other things to list, I would.

 

To Tell Or Not To Tell

If you were cheated on did anyone tell you? If they did, did you appreciate it? If people knew but they didn’t tell you did that upset you? The Golden Rule over on Chump Lady seems to be tell the cheated on spouse.

I don’t have a problem with that advice. I hate the fact that these disordered nitwits can play with other people’s lives and get away with it. I look back on the times that I was told. The first time I was a little put out after The Saint told me because it seemed like he had used me to break the two lovebirds up and then disappeared.

In some respects my life might be much different if he hadn’t told me. I might still be trying to put things back together but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I would have never agreed to move with things so broken between us.

On the other hand, him telling me did lead to a really good 18 months or so. And it led to me keeping an eye on her, which in turn meant I knew when things appeared rocky between her and The Saint. That ultimately ended with me demanding my name be put on the deed to the house, instead of his name only which is what he tried to pull. So, thank you, The Saint!

I am infinitely glad he told me the second time. CF was moving at lightning speed. As I have mentioned numerous times he was handing over our money to her every week. $50 here, $100 there, the occasional $500. I had no clue. I absolutely believed him when he told me that he was sending money to his mom to help out. Just like I believed him when he told me he bought phones for his mom and stepdad and was paying their cell phone bill. Never questioned it. Then we have the fact that he cashed in the rest of his stock, opened a checking account with her, and was interviewing for a job in her state. Had I not found out who knows what kind of damage he could have done before he finally left? I think a huge part of him is pissed that I found out when I did so I ruined his plan to leave me without a dime. I really think he would have waited for me to pay off the pool and then once he got a job closer to her he would have bailed on me. I think he was going for the long con and as long as I wasn’t asking questions and didn’t get too suspicious he’d just keep acting like nothing was wrong until he could get the hell out of Dodge. Then POOF! He would be gone. So yes, I am definitely glad he told me and let me know what was going on.

I have also been a longtime reader on another board. I’ve mentioned it before. It’s a debate board comprised mainly of moms and step moms. The consensus over on that board seems to be don’t tell. Not everyone believes this, of course, but a great many do. When it’s been brought up some of the people have said they wouldn’t appreciate someone butting into their business and that the betrayed spouse is probably aware of what’s going on. In one debate someone was asking whether or not a Marriage & Family therapist should be reported for sleeping with a married man and it seemed that quite a few people thought it was none of the other person’s business. She’s a Marriage & Family therapist, people! Her job is to repair marriages and help families; not fuck married men and destroy families! In another debate they were talking about the person who supposedly saw a woman texting her lover during a sporting event (I’m thinking football) and who let her husband know. This was all over Facebook a year or two ago. Again, the consensus was was that person had no business interfering in that relationship. It was none of their business if that person was cheating or not. And he probably knew anyway!

I disagree. If you don’t want people telling your spouse you’re cheating on them… don’t be a fucking cheater! Very simple! I also disagree that most cheated on spouses know what’s going on. Sometimes they may have a feeling that something isn’t right. Sometimes they may even know that something isn’t right. But they don’t necessarily know that the reason things feel off-kilter is because their spouse is a liar and cheater. There’s a big difference between knowing something isn’t right and knowing your spouse is cheating.

That leads me to thinking, “Hmmm…. maybe this person doesn’t want to know.” Or maybe she knows but she keeps her head buried in the sand. If I bring it up then what does she do? Pretend she didn’t hear me? Acknowledge it and tell me to mind my own business? Tell me that she was ignoring it but thanks to me now she can’t so now she’s going to have to file for divorce or look weak?

Unfortunately, that’s where I waiver. I would hate for someone to be pissed off at me because I told her (or him) something she (or he) wasn’t ready to hear. You never really know how the person is going to respond. I’ve heard stories of people letting a friend/relative/coworker know what’s going on, and then that person is frozen out because the message recipient didn’t want to hear that message. I realize that any time you give a person news that has the potential to destroy their life there may be backlash. I think that often that leads to inaction. We tend to like our friends. We want to hang out with them. And we want them to like us, too. We don’t want to lose them because they choose to shoot the messenger.

Let’s face it. Cheaters are very good liars. Several people were commenting the other day about open marriages and, in this instance, the wife knowing and accepting the affair. The consensus was that was a load of bullshit. First, if the wife was given an ultimatum: either an open marriage or I’m leaving… then that’s not really an open marriage. That’s a threat. Open marriages are typically decided upon before an affair begins and both parties are in favor of it. This was an instance of the cheating husband demanding she dance pretty for him (if she even really knew about it). Second, I realize this may come as shocking news but often a person who is willing to cheat on and lie to the spouse is also willing to lie to the affair partner. Many times cheaters will lie and tell their prospective AP that the spouse knows and is fine with it. Most of the commenters over on Chump Lady were solidly in the corner of, “That woman did not agree to an open marriage. She has no idea her husband is cheating on her.”

I’m not saying that never happens, because I’m sure that once in a blue moon it does. But like I told someone who was trying to convince me he had an open marriage, “When I hear it from your wife, I’ll believe it. Until then knock this shit off!”  It’s amazing how many women and men know their spouses are cheating on them and they are A-OK with that!

Then again, when The Saint informed me that my lying, cheating shit eating chimp was once again lying and cheating, he also told me that his whore of a wife had assured him that I knew all about it and I was fine with it. Guess what? That was a lie! What a surprise!

You also risk the person not believing you. I think many times when someone freezes you out it’s because the cheater gets to them and convinces them that those are all vicious lies! Lies, I tell you! Lies! They would rather believe that their friend/relative/co-worker is maliciously lying about the lying cheater than that the lying cheater is indeed a liar and a cheater. Who can really blame them? Finding out you placed your love and trust in someone who was not worthy tends to knock the wind out of you. It’s definitely easier to believe those lies than to believe our well-intentioned loved one is telling us a truth we don’t want to hear. Things need to change if they’re telling the truth; they can remain the same and we can continue to live our safe, secure lives if they are the liars and our beloved is telling the truth.

Again, we can go back and look at my own life. When Anne contacted me with her ominous messages I really didn’t want to believe that Cousinfucker could be messing around again. The messages were vague, absolutely no details, nothing that even came out and said, “I’m having an affair with your husband.” I confronted him. He had answers ready for me. There was an explanation. She was a psycho stalker. At that point in time I thought that because he had an answer, and because I didn’t realize he could lie as easily as he breathed, that it must mean he was telling the truth. And because she had never said precisely what she wanted to tell me I had no reason not to believe my husband.

To tell or not to tell? That remains the question. I suppose it boils down to a few things. First, how close are you to the person and how much do you value the relationship? Are you willing to do the right thing even if it may mean you lose that relationship? If you’re not close I think it might actually be easier to do, even though some may say it’s definitely not their business in that instance. However, I just read of a situation over on Chump Lady where the woman is infinitely grateful to her husband’s co-worker who told her because it turned out her husband and the OW were slowly poisoning her! So, if you’re thinking that maybe you shouldn’t get involved, maybe you really should!

I would also advise, as I did the first time I wrote about Anne, to give details! Be as precise as possible. Give dates, times, places. Pictures and texts are great if you have them. Phone logs. Emails. Anything that is tangible proof that you are not lying. It’s hard for the cheater to gaslight when the duped spouse has concrete proof. You say you’re not fucking your co-worker, but here you are in this picture, fucking your co-worker. How does that work?  I’m not saying they won’t try to convince you you’re crazy even with the proof but it’s a hell of a lot more difficult.

Finally, realize that if you do believe you have an obligation to tell that is your only obligation. It’s not up to you to convince the person to believe you (although again, give as much evidence to back up your assertion as possible). It’s not up to you to convince the person to leave. You tell them, give them your proof, and then you leave it up to them. Sometimes, even when given proof, they don’t want to believe it and it’s not up to anybody else to convince them. I do think, though, that’s why giving them as much proof as possible is good. If the only thing you can say is, “Your wife has been cheating on you since before you two married,” that’s a lot easier to dismiss than, “My name is Esmeralda. I work with your wife. She has been cheating on you with her boss since before you two got married. Every Monday night when she says she’s staying late, she’s lying; they actually have a standing reservation at The Very High End Restaurant. If you go there you’ll see them. Everyone at the restaurant knows them by name. The last time she said she went out of town on business she went on vacation to Bora Bora with him. Check her expense account. You won’t find any receipts because it wasn’t a business trip. Everyone in the office knows about their affair. It is no secret. They even gave a baby gift to Janet as a couple. Finally, here is the text she sent to me talking about their affair. If you want to contact me you can reach me at 555-5555.” Sure, the husband can still ignore it even with all of those details, but it makes it much more believable.

This is a very unscientific poll but I don’t think I have read a single person over on Chump Lady say they wish they hadn’t been told. Most of them are either very grateful that they were told (like the woman being poisoned), or they wish they had been told. Many times in those cases they’re pissed and humiliated that no one bothered to let them in on the news that their spouse was cheating. They talk of company parties with co-workers who all knew, or of friends that knew what was going on but let them welcome the affair partner into their home anyway. They talk about backyard barbecues and baby showers and weddings and camping trips and all kinds of social events where everyone knew what was going on except them, and how incredibly stupid that made them feel when they found out the truth. “Was I the laughingstock of the group?” they wonder.

Fortunately, I can’t recall any time that I’ve been put in a situation where I knew about an affair and debated telling the cheated on spouse. I know I’ve had conversations with my friends before where I’ve point blank asked them, “If I ever found out your significant other was cheating on you would you want me to tell you?” I’m not saying that would totally prevent any fallout, but hey, if they definitely don’t want to know I at least know that much. I’d like to believe I would tell. I think the person who is being duped deserves at least that much. They deserve the chance to make an informed decision whatever that may end up being.

I know that I personally am very grateful that The Saint spoke up and let me know what was going on. Make no mistake; I did not want to have that conversation. I did not want to hear any of it. But I also realized I needed to face reality. It hurt like hell and it forced me to take actions that I didn’t necessarily want to take. Unfortunately for me even if I had decided to bury my head in the sand and wait him out it wouldn’t have ended any differently, at least in terms of us getting a divorce. I would have just been left in an even shittier situation than I already was! So, again, thank you, The Saint. Thank you for speaking up and giving me a chance to get my ducks in a row. Thank you for giving me a chance to protect myself against CF and Harley.

That Time I Threw a Hissy Fit

 

July 2014

Today while the movers were here I got an email from my husband, needing me to print off a POA, get it notorized, scan and email it, and then FedEx it to him. I do all of this. In the middle of moving. Soon after I get home he texts me and tells me the POA has his name spelled wrong and the easiest thing to do is to take my name off the deed and add it back on later. I start to flip out. I ask him if he’s planning on divorcing me once I get out there. He freaks out, tells me no way and that he’s crying now, he’s so upset. I finally tell him the only reason I’m asking is because I know what the master plan was and that just as we bought a house she who shall not be named looked to be separating from or divorcing her husband. He told me he had no idea what was going on with “that person” and that he could give less than a fuck. He later mentioned that he constantly worries that I’m going to leave him. In the end I suppose I got the reaction I wanted. If he’s acting he is a very good actor and “that person” has coached him well.

Present Day Sam Says:  THANK GOD I threw that fit!  If I hadn’t I would have been fucked.  I don’t know up from down anymore so I don’t know if he was in communication with Harley at this time or not but again, thank God I had the good sense to put my foot down instead of worrying about his precious fee fees.  My guess is if I hadn’t been on the deed from the beginning it would have been one of those things that we never fixed and I would now be shit out of luck.  I only had a few good months after we moved here before he began spiraling out of control anyway.

That Time When My Give-A-Damn Broke

July 2014

I know. I know. I’m a bitch. What else is new? Everyone outside of my husband’s immediate family seems to think I’m wonderful; they all tell me they’re going to miss me so much. Then again, they don’t know the whore. Perhaps if they did they would realize how she outshines me, how my brightness tarnishes under the glowing rays of sunshine that shoot out of her ass.

I digress.

My MIL called me tonight. Twice. Left a message. FIL had surgery. He’s ok but he had a hard time of it today. Question #1 Why are you contacting me with an update? Do you not have a son with whom you can communicate? Question #2 Why do you think I care? Not my circus, not my monkeys. You decided Harley was more important than me. You decided you couldn’t live without the whore in your lives. So maybe you should get on the phone and give your son’s whore the updates. Because his wife? Doesn’t care anymore.

Don’t get me wrong. I wish no ill on any of them, but it’s beyond my capabilities to give a flying fuck about what’s going on.

Besides, good ol’ Harley was there immediately, wishing him well, hoping he got better, and assuring him of her love. See? They have all they need. Surely they must see how messy it would be if both the whore *and* the wife were involved.

And the band plays on.