You all know how much I love making memes. Lately I’ve had some awesome comments which make me laugh and which I consider meme worthy. Last week or so it was Whitney’s comment about hoping CF had recently been kicked in the nuts. The funny part was how sweet and sincere she sounded when she said, “I know it’s not very charitable but….”
Earlier today it was IfOnlyMommy who made me laugh. It was such a great comment I felt it needed a meme and she gave me the thumbs up so here it is:
I haven’t forgotten about the rest of the fall TV lineup. When I wrote my original review there were still a handful of shows I wanted to see that were premiering later. I think almost all of them have premiered but I haven’t written a review yet.
One of the shows that premiered later and which I’ve been watching (obviously!) is Timeless over on NBC. It is about a stolen time machine and the crew who is trying to get the bad guys back into present time. Naturally, they have a backup time machine. They have two jobs- #1 find the bad guys who hijacked the first time machine and bring them back, #2 make sure they don’t change history because if that happens who knows what the ramifications might be!
Here’s my quick review: I find the plot line intriguing. The actual execution is not as well done. One person came back and her life has been completely changed, but no one else seems to have experienced that. I’m also a bit confused as to how it is that history can change but the people work at the time machine lab are fully aware of the changes. I’m not sure how they are immune to this. However, I love history so I really enjoy the way they go back in time and how they explore that. I love the costumes and the customs of the times. It’s also fascinating to imagine yourself going back in time and having the knowledge that you have now. But the larger storyline involving some arch villain (or organization that is the arch villain) is somewhat tedious.
I keep watching for the historical aspects of it. I’d give it a 6 out of 10. It’s not one of those shows that I look forward to watching every week, but it’s a good way to kill some time. Ha ha ha.
This got me to thinking: What if I had a time machine? Where would I go? What would I do? Obviously I’d go back and play the winning lottery numbers, right? Or bet on the Kentucky Derby or some sporting event. Hell, invest in Google or Apple!
For some reason this is always frowned upon in these situations. I don’t get it. Even if time machines were real it’s not like there are a plethora of them sitting around waiting for people to hijack them and go back in time to bet on games!
So, all money aside, where would I go to alter my own life? My first choice was to go back to the day in May when I met Cousinfucker. I thought maybe my re-do would involve never meeting him. I have no idea how my life would be different now. I suppose it could have ended up worse. Doubtful, but possible. Hey- I was doing the old-fashioned version of online dating at that time in my life. I had 2 or 3 other guys interested in me and I had to pick that shit eating chimp. I’m not saying I would have ended up marrying any of the other 3 guys but surely it wouldn’t have ended as badly as this did!
Of course, then I had the thought that most people think when they’re thinking about this. What about the children???? If I never met Cousinfucker then I wouldn’t have Rock Star and Picasso. Practically speaking, if I had never met him I would never have had them and I wouldn’t even know they were a possibility. In my alternate universe maybe I have little Emily and Zachary and I can’t imagine life without them. But, in reality that moment has passed. I did meet Cousinfucker. I did marry him and I did have two children with him. I know them. I like them. I don’t want replacement children. So….
Where do we go in time next, if we can’t prevent myself from meeting Cousinfucker? So many choices.
I could go back to 2002, soon after Picasso’s birth. I’ve got both kids. I’ve been out of the workforce for 2 years, basically. Cousinfucker was making good money. About half of what he currently makes. But, the kids and I wouldn’t have been used to having a lot of money. They would be young; they would have no idea what it was like to have married parents. They wouldn’t be experiencing the upheaval they’re experiencing now. I would be 33, still young enough that I could jump back in to working and possibly even find love again. Bonus, at this point I was only approximately 2 hours away from my mom so even moving back to the area wouldn’t have been as difficult.
I would be the one at fault for leaving in this situation. Looking back though, when your mother-in-law asks you if your second child was wanted or if you tricked your husband into having another one, things probably aren’t that good. CF was acting like a shit most of the time. It wouldn’t have been adultery level reasons for leaving, but I think it would have been just.
Honestly, I was still very invested in my children having a two parent home. Despite any problems I wasn’t willing to leave him. I was going to stick it out. By golly, it was going to get better!
I suppose my most obvious time to change history would have been back in 2013 after I found out he had been carrying on with Harley all summer despite telling me he had ended it with her. Do I use my time machine to go back to that day and end things with him?
Instead of telling him to get his head out of his ass and decide what he wanted I could go back in time and tell him that I knew they were still involved. I could tell him I wanted his pathetic ass out of the house and not to return. That when the kids and I left to go to my stepfather’s memorial service he could retrieve all of his items then and get the hell out. No second chance. No reconciliation. No trying to make things work.
Now, at this point in time I am 44 years old. I’ve been out of the workforce for 13 years. That’s still a huge gap. BUT, I have friends. I have a support network. I could possibly have been offered a job at the school. Several people I knew and volunteered with through PTA ended up working at the school. That could have been an option. I had a friend who was a supervisor at her job. She might have been able to put in a good word for me and I might have been able to get on there. Her daughter also works at a company who is frequently hiring and her daughter seems to like this company a lot. Again, with a good word from her I might be working a 40 hour a week job that pays decently, instead of what I’m looking at now. Or, I have a few friends who work from home for an airline. They were often posting on Facebook about hiring opportunities. Unfortunately for me now, you have to live in that city so it’s not a possibility for me. Regardless, I knew a lot of people so I had a lot of networking possibilities. The job situation would have definitely been better. My kids could have remained in their sports more than likely. I’m almost certain the gym would have worked with me, and I’m pretty sure the hockey team had scholarships available. 2013 would have been a good time. I would have had a lot of support and much better job prospects. Downside? Getting divorced with my family 1500 miles away.
Or, my final destination could have been to the year 2014. Technically, I would have still needed to have gone back to 2013 because that’s when he began talking about moving to Whoreville. Once he was caught and we “reconciled” and things were “better than ever” he offered to give up on his dream job. I could go back to that day and say, “Thanks, sweetie! I’m so glad to hear that because the kids and I don’t want to move.” I could have vetoed the move and also taken steps to protect myself and my kids in case he did it again.
Of all the options that one seems the least invasive. Go back to that day and stand your ground. Tell him you don’t want to move and you won’t move your kids. Tell him to let The Powers That Be (TPTB) know Whoreville is no longer on the table because his wife refuses to go, the first time in his career that she has ever done so. Rock Star gets to continue on with gymnastics. Picasso gets to continue to play hockey and the cello. Hell, maybe once TPTB know that relocating him is out of the question Cousinfucker would actually get a real promotion and not a lateral transfer! Maybe he would have been an area VP instead of what he was offered. At the very least maybe he would have become the GM when they convinced his GM to relocate.
And then go a step further! Insist that he pay for me to go back to school so that I can get a good job. Or, start working again. Use those contacts and get a job. Best case scenario might even be work part-time and go to school full-time. All while insisting he support me in doing so. Not just monetarily, but physically by helping with the housework, the laundry, the shopping, getting the kids where they need to be.
Maybe if all that had happened we would still be married and I would still be happy. My kids would still be happy. The last two years would not have existed.
Would not moving have helped? If we go with CF’s logic that I hated him and his whole impetus to seek out Harley was because I hated him and was so miserable, then perhaps. When I’m bored I have time to think. I had lots of time to think in Whoreville. I had nothing to do. Back in 2013 I had plenty to do. And at that particular moment I was happy with him. Things were going well. Maybe if that had remained the status quo I wouldn’t have written so much on the other FB page. I would have been too busy. There would have been nothing to report back to him. He wouldn’t have spiraled out of control. He wouldn’t have cheated again. He wouldn’t have left me.
But is that true? That’s quite the gamble. I might be throwing away my ticket to change history if that’s where I choose to stop. He lied to me. First it was multiple women. Then it was only her. I later find out there was at least one other person besides Harley. I have no idea if he continued to cheat while I thought we were happy. I’d like to believe he didn’t, but I don’t know that for certain. The only thing I know is that he lies. We were happy as long as I never brought up his affair with Harley. We were happy as long as I focused on the future. We were happy as long as I danced and danced for him. We were happy as long as I was ticking boxes off of that list he gave me. How long could I dance?
No, if I were given the chance to go back and change my history I would go back to 2002, possibly 2003, shortly after my son was born. I would leave him then. I would have my kids, and yes, I might have had to have shared them more than I do now, but it would have been worth it. Honestly, I don’t think he would have taken them. A 2 year old and an infant? Way too much work! He whined when he was left with only one of them for a few hours! An entire weekend with both of them? Don’t make me laugh!
I could have jumped back into the workforce and be making a decent living right now. I might possibly have met someone new and could be happily married now. Hell, it’s a long shot but I might have actually had another child.
My kids would have no idea what was going on. They wouldn’t feel the pinch because the oldest would have only been 2 or possibly 3. They would know nothing else but parents who were divorced.
The way that it has transpired in the year 2015 they were and are keenly aware of everything that is going on. They know what they are losing, and they have lost a lot. They are cognizant of every change. I’m sure that at 2 or 3 they realize something is going on; they just don’t know what. And typically, as long as the sane parent keeps it together and keeps providing a safe, comfortable environment they adjust; they don’t really have a frame of reference. At 15 or 16, they know and they can see each and every upheaval headed their way.They do have a frame of reference and they probably can’t help but compare their two different lives.
Going back to 2013 would be comfortable. It would provide most of the creature comforts that we have known. Our lives wouldn’t change at all. Until he did it again. I could excuse that though and cling to this idea that I had friends out there and job opportunities. Hell, if I actually took steps back then to protect myself instead of believing him when he professed his great love for me, I would have had a job or a better education when he cheated again. But going back to 2013 means I’m still relying on him. I’m staking my future on being able to control his behavior.
That’s why going back to 2002 is the better option. I’m betting on myself in that instance.
I wrote what I considered to be a nice post about CF and I ended up with an interesting comment. Now, this person said she had read my blog so I’m guessing she wasn’t commenting strictly on my last post but on the blog as a whole. I was just going to respond in the comments but the response got very long so I decided to turn it into a separate post.
I’ve enjoyed reading your blog. I know it helps to vent. I’m not trying to be critical, but have you considered letting go of the animosity? Yes, you were lied to. Yes, he’s scum.
But perhaps it’s time to let go.
Have I considered letting go of the animosity? That’s an interesting question. See, back before he fucked me completely over by quitting yet another job, I was fine. I had no animosity. I wouldn’t spit on the man if he were on fire but I gave him very little thought. My kids and I were doing fine. We were going to church. My daughter was active in school. My son was going to join the marching band. I was going to start looking for a job right around the time my daughter could drive. I was looking forward to getting divorced after our one year waiting period was over. I had a plan and we were doing beautifully. But then he quit his new job. Stopped paying support. Forced us to move a second time in 2 years. Made my daughter transfer her junior year. Cost her her driver’s license and wasted my damn money. It’s been less than 5 months since he dropped that particular bomb so the animosity is relatively new. I’m not really interested in being all namaste. He’s playing some rather serious games with me and my kids and our future. I have no desire to reward that behavior. If not for his antics we would probably already be divorced and he could be married to the new love of his life.
And honestly? I’m a dream STBXW. I’m not harassing him; I never called his phone, texted him, or sent emails repeatedly. I didn’t break his crap. I didn’t throw anything onto the lawn. I didn’t show up at his work and cause a scene. I’ve never confronted his cousin/mistress. I don’t ever talk to him. Period. If there is information to be passed along I pass it along. If he requests something I produce it. He lived at home and paid me what he thought he was going to be ordered to pay me in spousal and child support. I was supposed to use all of my money to pay the household bills (you know, the one he was living in as well) while he got to spend his money on the whore and her kids. Every weekend he left to go be with her and then returned home so that he could go to work during the week. I let him go with no fight. Again, no harassing texts or phone calls. No showing up on her doorstep with kids in tow or even by myself. I didn’t say a word to him about it. He absolutely had it made. Hell, when I finally kicked him out of the master bedroom and into the guest room I hung up all of his clothes! Nothing was just dumped in there as many people advised me to do. Actually, what they advised me to do was dump his crap on the lawn. I didn’t. I took the high road. I waited for my day in court. If that’s animosity and seeking revenge I’d say he had nothing to complain about.
Do you know what all that got me? More lies, mainly. He lied and said I had him served and he had no idea why. He lied and said I threw everything of his in the trash. He lied and said I kicked him out of the house and that was why he had to move out of the state. He even lied and told people I wouldn’t let him take a single item from the house. If the lies weren’t enough he went one further and showed naked pictures of me to the whore. Very nice.
Oops, wait! We did have one confrontation in person when I presented him a list for his half of the household expenses but that was fairly tame. He also made the mistake of asking me if I was okay way back in the very beginning. I’m not sure you could even call it a confrontation but I did let him know that, no, I was not okay and I listed the reasons why I was not. Then there was also the time I made the grievous mistake of letting him know the support check was late (after it had been “lost” in the mail the month before). I guess you could also count the time I found out he was no longer depositing his check into our account. I confronted him and was accused of stealing every dime he made. Does the night I demanded he delete all pictures of me off of his phone after learning about his penchant for sharing them with the whore also count as a confrontation? It was quite brief, lasting only a minute or so. Nonetheless, I think he had a pretty dreamy situation going on.
As far as letting go I have let go of him. I let go the minute I heard about his affair. That doesn’t end his other obligations though. I tend to believe that this whole idea of letting go simply means agreeing to eat another shit sandwich. Or rolling over and letting them do whatever they want to do. That’s very convenient for them and I’m sure that cheaters would love that. Who wouldn’t love to do whatever the hell they wanted to do with absolutely no consequences and everyone covering for them?
Also, this is a blog about infidelity and divorce (and a few other things here and there). It doesn’t mean his affair is center stage in my life every single minute of the day; it means this is what I’ve chosen to blog about. I’m also in the middle of a divorce. I’m sure letting go will be a lot easier once I’m legally untethered to the asshole. I have heard it said you can’t really be Meh until the divorce is over. I’m not divorced and he keeps piling shit my way so there’s always a new adventure for me, thanks to him. I’ve likened it to trying to let a wound heal when someone is always coming in and slicing it open again. You want me to heal? Stop cutting me.
Sometimes adult relationships just don’t work out. That’s life. Someone you love doesn’t love you back. It’s harsh, but it’s reality.
You are correct that sometimes adult relationships just don’t work out. That’s not what happened here though. If he had decided he just couldn’t live with me anymore that would be one thing. Instead he didn’t decide to move on until he had someone else lined up. He cheated. He had an affair. He lied and basically stole marital funds to give to his mistress. He abandoned his children and left me financially destitute.
He moved us across the country. He tore our lives apart and forced us to rebuild them. Then he tore them apart again when he began his affair. And then he did it a third time when he quit his second job in 4 months and refused to help support his kids, forcing us to move once again. I am not going to file that under Oh Well It Just Didn’t Work Out.
It was deliberate. It was deceitful. I have no desire or obligation to sweep it under the rug with a shrug of my shoulders and sigh, “These things happen. Relationships end.”
As someone who has been cheated on myself, yeah, it hurts. But you have to move forward. Especially when children are involved. I worked my ass off to get an education. However, even with an advanced degree, I would scrub toilets if I had to for my kids.
I don’t have a problem with going back to work. Unfortunately I can’t make people hire me and while it sounds good to say you’d scrub toilets, if scrubbing toilets 80 hours a week still didn’t pay your bills then you’re scrubbing toilets for nothing.
I am working. Unfortunately it doesn’t relieve the financial burden I face. Will I work the 60 hours needed in order to barely be able to pay my bills and provide for my kids? Yes, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it or act like it’s no big deal. It sucks big hairy donkey balls. I’m going to hate every single second of it and I don’t feel the need to pretend that everything is wonderful and I just love unloading trucks, stocking shelves and lugging books around. I’m sure as hell not going to work my ass off while he sits around the whorehouse drinking, watching TV, and fucking a slut and not say a word about the fact that he is not providing a damn dime in support for his kids.
This man has made 6 figures for the last 15 years and miraculously, 2 months before our divorce can be finalized, he is suddenly overcome with PTSD? Yeah, sorry but there is absolutely no way I’m going to sit down, shut up, and smile while he fucks me over up one side and down the other.
And no matter how much “adult” hurt I felt, I would never ever lay that on my kids.
I chose to marry him. I chose to have children with him. Now I am choosing to divorce him. My children will never know the hurt that I felt, nor will I ever speak poorly about their father in front of them. Because he is their father. Period.
Unfortunately for CF his kids were older when this happened and I am not going to lie to protect him. I’m not going to say that I have been 100% perfect or that they have never overheard me. I’m sure I have slipped up once or twice even with most of my conversations happening when they were out of the house. There was no way to sugarcoat any of what happened in the last 14 months. He chose to live in the house and ignore his kids the entire time. He chose to go spend the weekends with his mistress instead of watching his daughter at any of her competitions. He moved out of the house and out of the state without saying a word to his kids. He chose to never come back and see his kids. I guess I could have lied to them and told them he just moved out and that he was living down the street, but, well, that would have been a lie. And then what do I do about him never visiting them? More lies? Or maybe I could tell them I refused to let him see them and then that way he comes across as the good guy and I’m the mean, unreasonable mommy that keeps them from him. That’s not going to happen. I’m no longer his PR agent. I suppose I could have lied again when he stopped paying support and made it seem like moving them once again was all my idea for no reason at all. But you guessed it. I’m no longer his PR agent and I’m not going to lie for him.
I just want to make it clear I do not talk badly about him and I don’t lay my hurt on them. Aside from the day I had to tell my kids we were getting a divorce, and the day I informed my daughter we were going to have to move again, they have never seen me cry about any of this. Considering the fact that I have cried pretty much every. single. day since he stopped supporting them I think that’s quite a feat.
When this first happened I tried the ol’, “This Is Adult Stuff and Doesn’t Concern You” approach when my son was asking about jobs and me returning to work. At the age of 13 he was pretty spot on when he replied, “This affects my life, too, so it is my business.” I made the decision to be honest with my kids in an age appropriate manner. You asked where your dad is. He’s in his home state with his girlfriend. When asked if everyone down there knew and if they were okay with it I was honest and told them that they did indeed know and they did support it. When arranging for rides to school they wanted to know why I couldn’t take them. I told them I couldn’t take them because I had to go to a parenting class. Your dad lost his job and won’t be sending anymore money; we are going to have to move. When asked when Dad would be back I told them I didn’t know for certain but that I thought he had moved out. When I found out he had moved out of state I told them.
I don’t tell my kids he’s an asshole; I’ve even reminded them of some of the good things he did or places he went with us. They know he’s an asshole because of his actions. He hasn’t bothered to drive to see them one single time since he moved away and yet they saw him leave every weekend to go visit the whore. He won’t talk to them on the phone. He hasn’t texted either of them since June. He couldn’t be bothered to stick his head in their rooms and ask them what was up the entire six months he lived with us. He never once offered to take them to dinner or out for ice cream or to do anything with him. Whenever he texted our daughter the texts were self-serving pity parties for himself, concentrating on him and his needs. He upset her so much she ended up crying because of the things he was saying. He thinks of himself and only himself and tries to guilt her into feeling sorry for him.
I definitely don’t say to them the things I say here. Honestly, the funniest part of this whole thing is the fact that even after cheating on me he’s the one always talking crap about me! Your mom never loved me. Your mom didn’t take care of me. Your mom took a bunch of money from me. Your mom has a lawyer and I don’t. Your mom takes all of my paycheck; I barely have anything left over to live on. Read the court order, kids! Anything short of me laying down, giving him everything he wants, and then dying is going to result in him complaining about what I’m doing, and if I’m being totally honest I think he’d probably be pissed off if I died because that would mean he might actually have to take care of his own kids and that might throw a wrench in the whole setup with Harley. Yeah, he’d probably rather I just give him whatever he wants.
I’m not judging you. You were clearly f-ed over. But do you want revenge, or do you want peace? Those two emotions cannot co-exist.
I would hardly call insisting on my fair share, or him living up to the court order he agreed to, seeking revenge but if that’s what it is I’m fine with it. I’m not one of those that thinks forgiveness is necessary or even appropriate in every case. I’m not seeking peace. Truth be told, I’m not searching for either; I want my damn money that he owes me. If peace means bending over and grabbing my ankles I’m not interested. If revenge gets me what I’m owed then sign me up!
I haven’t said many nice things about Cousinfucker in this blog. In fact, I have a really long bitch list I will probably publish one of these days. It’s so long I will have to break it up into separate parts. I did want to acknowledge that he wasn’t always all bad. I like to give credit where credit is due and to present both sides as much as possible. So, here are the things he did right.
That’s all I can think of for now. That might be all there is, honestly. I’m actually a little surprised that the list was that long. But since this is a post to give credit where credit is due I’m not going to shit all over it. I will say I’m not all that shocked that most of his good deeds are surrounded by money. That is where he excelled. I hope it doesn’t make me sound like a money grubbing bitch who, as he always liked to claim, only stayed with him for the money. I’m working with what I have. If I had other things to list, I would.
If you were cheated on did anyone tell you? If they did, did you appreciate it? If people knew but they didn’t tell you did that upset you? The Golden Rule over on Chump Lady seems to be tell the cheated on spouse.
I don’t have a problem with that advice. I hate the fact that these disordered nitwits can play with other people’s lives and get away with it. I look back on the times that I was told. The first time I was a little put out after The Saint told me because it seemed like he had used me to break the two lovebirds up and then disappeared.
In some respects my life might be much different if he hadn’t told me. I might still be trying to put things back together but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I would have never agreed to move with things so broken between us.
On the other hand, him telling me did lead to a really good 18 months or so. And it led to me keeping an eye on her, which in turn meant I knew when things appeared rocky between her and The Saint. That ultimately ended with me demanding my name be put on the deed to the house, instead of his name only which is what he tried to pull. So, thank you, The Saint!
I am infinitely glad he told me the second time. CF was moving at lightning speed. As I have mentioned numerous times he was handing over our money to her every week. $50 here, $100 there, the occasional $500. I had no clue. I absolutely believed him when he told me that he was sending money to his mom to help out. Just like I believed him when he told me he bought phones for his mom and stepdad and was paying their cell phone bill. Never questioned it. Then we have the fact that he cashed in the rest of his stock, opened a checking account with her, and was interviewing for a job in her state. Had I not found out who knows what kind of damage he could have done before he finally left? I think a huge part of him is pissed that I found out when I did so I ruined his plan to leave me without a dime. I really think he would have waited for me to pay off the pool and then once he got a job closer to her he would have bailed on me. I think he was going for the long con and as long as I wasn’t asking questions and didn’t get too suspicious he’d just keep acting like nothing was wrong until he could get the hell out of Dodge. Then POOF! He would be gone. So yes, I am definitely glad he told me and let me know what was going on.
I have also been a longtime reader on another board. I’ve mentioned it before. It’s a debate board comprised mainly of moms and step moms. The consensus over on that board seems to be don’t tell. Not everyone believes this, of course, but a great many do. When it’s been brought up some of the people have said they wouldn’t appreciate someone butting into their business and that the betrayed spouse is probably aware of what’s going on. In one debate someone was asking whether or not a Marriage & Family therapist should be reported for sleeping with a married man and it seemed that quite a few people thought it was none of the other person’s business. She’s a Marriage & Family therapist, people! Her job is to repair marriages and help families; not fuck married men and destroy families! In another debate they were talking about the person who supposedly saw a woman texting her lover during a sporting event (I’m thinking football) and who let her husband know. This was all over Facebook a year or two ago. Again, the consensus was was that person had no business interfering in that relationship. It was none of their business if that person was cheating or not. And he probably knew anyway!
I disagree. If you don’t want people telling your spouse you’re cheating on them… don’t be a fucking cheater! Very simple! I also disagree that most cheated on spouses know what’s going on. Sometimes they may have a feeling that something isn’t right. Sometimes they may even know that something isn’t right. But they don’t necessarily know that the reason things feel off-kilter is because their spouse is a liar and cheater. There’s a big difference between knowing something isn’t right and knowing your spouse is cheating.
That leads me to thinking, “Hmmm…. maybe this person doesn’t want to know.” Or maybe she knows but she keeps her head buried in the sand. If I bring it up then what does she do? Pretend she didn’t hear me? Acknowledge it and tell me to mind my own business? Tell me that she was ignoring it but thanks to me now she can’t so now she’s going to have to file for divorce or look weak?
Unfortunately, that’s where I waiver. I would hate for someone to be pissed off at me because I told her (or him) something she (or he) wasn’t ready to hear. You never really know how the person is going to respond. I’ve heard stories of people letting a friend/relative/coworker know what’s going on, and then that person is frozen out because the message recipient didn’t want to hear that message. I realize that any time you give a person news that has the potential to destroy their life there may be backlash. I think that often that leads to inaction. We tend to like our friends. We want to hang out with them. And we want them to like us, too. We don’t want to lose them because they choose to shoot the messenger.
Let’s face it. Cheaters are very good liars. Several people were commenting the other day about open marriages and, in this instance, the wife knowing and accepting the affair. The consensus was that was a load of bullshit. First, if the wife was given an ultimatum: either an open marriage or I’m leaving… then that’s not really an open marriage. That’s a threat. Open marriages are typically decided upon before an affair begins and both parties are in favor of it. This was an instance of the cheating husband demanding she dance pretty for him (if she even really knew about it). Second, I realize this may come as shocking news but often a person who is willing to cheat on and lie to the spouse is also willing to lie to the affair partner. Many times cheaters will lie and tell their prospective AP that the spouse knows and is fine with it. Most of the commenters over on Chump Lady were solidly in the corner of, “That woman did not agree to an open marriage. She has no idea her husband is cheating on her.”
I’m not saying that never happens, because I’m sure that once in a blue moon it does. But like I told someone who was trying to convince me he had an open marriage, “When I hear it from your wife, I’ll believe it. Until then knock this shit off!” It’s amazing how many women and men know their spouses are cheating on them and they are A-OK with that!
Then again, when The Saint informed me that my lying, cheating shit eating chimp was once again lying and cheating, he also told me that his whore of a wife had assured him that I knew all about it and I was fine with it. Guess what? That was a lie! What a surprise!
You also risk the person not believing you. I think many times when someone freezes you out it’s because the cheater gets to them and convinces them that those are all vicious lies! Lies, I tell you! Lies! They would rather believe that their friend/relative/co-worker is maliciously lying about the lying cheater than that the lying cheater is indeed a liar and a cheater. Who can really blame them? Finding out you placed your love and trust in someone who was not worthy tends to knock the wind out of you. It’s definitely easier to believe those lies than to believe our well-intentioned loved one is telling us a truth we don’t want to hear. Things need to change if they’re telling the truth; they can remain the same and we can continue to live our safe, secure lives if they are the liars and our beloved is telling the truth.
Again, we can go back and look at my own life. When Anne contacted me with her ominous messages I really didn’t want to believe that Cousinfucker could be messing around again. The messages were vague, absolutely no details, nothing that even came out and said, “I’m having an affair with your husband.” I confronted him. He had answers ready for me. There was an explanation. She was a psycho stalker. At that point in time I thought that because he had an answer, and because I didn’t realize he could lie as easily as he breathed, that it must mean he was telling the truth. And because she had never said precisely what she wanted to tell me I had no reason not to believe my husband.
To tell or not to tell? That remains the question. I suppose it boils down to a few things. First, how close are you to the person and how much do you value the relationship? Are you willing to do the right thing even if it may mean you lose that relationship? If you’re not close I think it might actually be easier to do, even though some may say it’s definitely not their business in that instance. However, I just read of a situation over on Chump Lady where the woman is infinitely grateful to her husband’s co-worker who told her because it turned out her husband and the OW were slowly poisoning her! So, if you’re thinking that maybe you shouldn’t get involved, maybe you really should!
I would also advise, as I did the first time I wrote about Anne, to give details! Be as precise as possible. Give dates, times, places. Pictures and texts are great if you have them. Phone logs. Emails. Anything that is tangible proof that you are not lying. It’s hard for the cheater to gaslight when the duped spouse has concrete proof. You say you’re not fucking your co-worker, but here you are in this picture, fucking your co-worker. How does that work? I’m not saying they won’t try to convince you you’re crazy even with the proof but it’s a hell of a lot more difficult.
Finally, realize that if you do believe you have an obligation to tell that is your only obligation. It’s not up to you to convince the person to believe you (although again, give as much evidence to back up your assertion as possible). It’s not up to you to convince the person to leave. You tell them, give them your proof, and then you leave it up to them. Sometimes, even when given proof, they don’t want to believe it and it’s not up to anybody else to convince them. I do think, though, that’s why giving them as much proof as possible is good. If the only thing you can say is, “Your wife has been cheating on you since before you two married,” that’s a lot easier to dismiss than, “My name is Esmeralda. I work with your wife. She has been cheating on you with her boss since before you two got married. Every Monday night when she says she’s staying late, she’s lying; they actually have a standing reservation at The Very High End Restaurant. If you go there you’ll see them. Everyone at the restaurant knows them by name. The last time she said she went out of town on business she went on vacation to Bora Bora with him. Check her expense account. You won’t find any receipts because it wasn’t a business trip. Everyone in the office knows about their affair. It is no secret. They even gave a baby gift to Janet as a couple. Finally, here is the text she sent to me talking about their affair. If you want to contact me you can reach me at 555-5555.” Sure, the husband can still ignore it even with all of those details, but it makes it much more believable.
This is a very unscientific poll but I don’t think I have read a single person over on Chump Lady say they wish they hadn’t been told. Most of them are either very grateful that they were told (like the woman being poisoned), or they wish they had been told. Many times in those cases they’re pissed and humiliated that no one bothered to let them in on the news that their spouse was cheating. They talk of company parties with co-workers who all knew, or of friends that knew what was going on but let them welcome the affair partner into their home anyway. They talk about backyard barbecues and baby showers and weddings and camping trips and all kinds of social events where everyone knew what was going on except them, and how incredibly stupid that made them feel when they found out the truth. “Was I the laughingstock of the group?” they wonder.
Fortunately, I can’t recall any time that I’ve been put in a situation where I knew about an affair and debated telling the cheated on spouse. I know I’ve had conversations with my friends before where I’ve point blank asked them, “If I ever found out your significant other was cheating on you would you want me to tell you?” I’m not saying that would totally prevent any fallout, but hey, if they definitely don’t want to know I at least know that much. I’d like to believe I would tell. I think the person who is being duped deserves at least that much. They deserve the chance to make an informed decision whatever that may end up being.
I know that I personally am very grateful that The Saint spoke up and let me know what was going on. Make no mistake; I did not want to have that conversation. I did not want to hear any of it. But I also realized I needed to face reality. It hurt like hell and it forced me to take actions that I didn’t necessarily want to take. Unfortunately for me even if I had decided to bury my head in the sand and wait him out it wouldn’t have ended any differently, at least in terms of us getting a divorce. I would have just been left in an even shittier situation than I already was! So, again, thank you, The Saint. Thank you for speaking up and giving me a chance to get my ducks in a row. Thank you for giving me a chance to protect myself against CF and Harley.
July 2014
Today while the movers were here I got an email from my husband, needing me to print off a POA, get it notorized, scan and email it, and then FedEx it to him. I do all of this. In the middle of moving. Soon after I get home he texts me and tells me the POA has his name spelled wrong and the easiest thing to do is to take my name off the deed and add it back on later. I start to flip out. I ask him if he’s planning on divorcing me once I get out there. He freaks out, tells me no way and that he’s crying now, he’s so upset. I finally tell him the only reason I’m asking is because I know what the master plan was and that just as we bought a house she who shall not be named looked to be separating from or divorcing her husband. He told me he had no idea what was going on with “that person” and that he could give less than a fuck. He later mentioned that he constantly worries that I’m going to leave him. In the end I suppose I got the reaction I wanted. If he’s acting he is a very good actor and “that person” has coached him well.
Present Day Sam Says: THANK GOD I threw that fit! If I hadn’t I would have been fucked. I don’t know up from down anymore so I don’t know if he was in communication with Harley at this time or not but again, thank God I had the good sense to put my foot down instead of worrying about his precious fee fees. My guess is if I hadn’t been on the deed from the beginning it would have been one of those things that we never fixed and I would now be shit out of luck. I only had a few good months after we moved here before he began spiraling out of control anyway.
July 2014
I know. I know. I’m a bitch. What else is new? Everyone outside of my husband’s immediate family seems to think I’m wonderful; they all tell me they’re going to miss me so much. Then again, they don’t know the whore. Perhaps if they did they would realize how she outshines me, how my brightness tarnishes under the glowing rays of sunshine that shoot out of her ass.
I digress.
My MIL called me tonight. Twice. Left a message. FIL had surgery. He’s ok but he had a hard time of it today. Question #1 Why are you contacting me with an update? Do you not have a son with whom you can communicate? Question #2 Why do you think I care? Not my circus, not my monkeys. You decided Harley was more important than me. You decided you couldn’t live without the whore in your lives. So maybe you should get on the phone and give your son’s whore the updates. Because his wife? Doesn’t care anymore.
Don’t get me wrong. I wish no ill on any of them, but it’s beyond my capabilities to give a flying fuck about what’s going on.
Besides, good ol’ Harley was there immediately, wishing him well, hoping he got better, and assuring him of her love. See? They have all they need. Surely they must see how messy it would be if both the whore *and* the wife were involved.
And the band plays on.
This blog hasn’t been a very upbeat place lately. I thought maybe today I would discuss some of the things I do like and appreciate about this new chapter in my life.
It turns out I do like living with my mom. Yes, there are definitely times I wish I still had my own place. Let’s face it- as we separate from our parents and create our own spaces we get to do whatever we want to do for the most part. If I don’t want to do laundry for 2 weeks, I don’t have to. If I don’t feel like cleaning the kitchen, no big deal. I can leave my shoes all over the house. And I do still get misty eyed when I walk into a store and realize I no longer ever have to buy household items, like platters and decorations and bowls, again. We have a brand new Home Goods in town and the reality is I don’t ever need to go inside because there’s absolutely nothing I need or have room for.
Despite those moments of pity I do enjoy living with her. I like how she does my laundry and will fold my clothes. I like that I have someone to share the cooking and cleaning with. I try to get in front of it because I don’t want to wear out my welcome but it’s nice to have someone else plan a meal. I certainly never got that while I was married. I like that she irons because I don’t. It’s nice to have someone to talk to and run errands with. She definitely keeps my mind off of everything that is going on in my life. I don’t have time to cry when she’s around and we often find ourselves laughing.
I do have to say that one of the side effects of living with her is gaining weight. That woman is on a definite eating schedule. She eats in the morning, the afternoon, and the evening whether she needs to or not! Actually, in her case I’m sure she does need to eat. However, I’m used to a much more relaxed schedule. There would be days when I wouldn’t eat breakfast until 9 in the morning, if at all. I might have a heavy late lunch which would then mean I wouldn’t eat dinner. If that was the case I might pop a batch of popcorn and have that later on. Sometimes I would have chips and salsa for lunch and that would be it. Here it’s much more regimented. Plus, I’m bored and lonely so I’m constantly eating. I should probably take a walk or start back on the Couch To 5K program, but I rarely leave the house; I’ve turned into quite the hermit.
Hey, that brings us to another silver lining. Unloading trucks and stocking shelves will give me some exercise and maybe I’ll end up losing some weight. Also on the positive side while I’m at work for those few hours I won’t be eating!
I like being around family although it’s still difficult to ask for help and every time I call my brother and ask for help he ends up telling me how to do it instead of coming out here and actually doing it, which is really no help at all. Before my mom left we had my other niece and nephew up here for dinner and then my brother and his two came over as well. It was nice having a family dinner and getting together with everyone. On a daily basis my daughter is hanging out with her cousin. Yesterday the two of them rode into Chicago together and went shopping. The day before we picked up Queen B and all three of us went to get pizza and then finished up some grocery shopping. Both she and my nephew spent the night last night. It’s nice to be able to pop over to each other’s houses and say hello, visit for a while, and then go along our merry way. I’ve never had that before.
I like the fact that my brother’s dog gets so excited when she sees me because she knows I’ll tell her how pretty she is and scratch her ears and head and fuss all over her. She sees me, if not regularly, certainly more often than once or twice a year for a few minutes.
I’m also very thankful that I was able to bring my dogs with me. I feel bad about having to re-home my cats, but I had only had the one for less than 18 months and the other two for a little over a year. My dogs I’ve had for 11, 7, and 3 years.
My oldest dog is my baby. I took that dog to obedience training. I got a damn recliner re-upholstered when he tore the back off of it while CF was living apart from us during our move of 2006. I fed that dog, slept with that dog, played with that dog, and loved that dog. I put my foot down when CF suggested getting rid of him. I’m not sure that this was verbatim but it was a variation of this: You are free to move out there without him; however, I’m not leaving him behind. If you move out there without him you’ll be moving out there without me because I’m staying with the dog. Smartest choice I ever made. My 8 year old is a female that we rescued when she was approximately a year. She’s a barker but very sweet. I couldn’t give her away; I’d never be able to look at that sweet face and see how sad she was as I walked away. And my youngest is my little tag along. He follows me everywhere. I can’t go to the bathroom without him following me. If I shut the door to have some privacy he scratches at the door and whines. I can literally go from one side of the room to the next and he will follow me each and every time. I sit down on the bed to put on socks and he jumps up there beside me. I walk over to the dresser to grab a shirt and he hops down to be by my side. I sit back on the bed and he hops back up there with me. He would be heartbroken if I gave him away and he had a new family. With my mom gone I’ve been sleeping with four dogs every night (hers is right there in the mix). It’s very cozy.
I do appreciate the variety of restaurants we have around here. I can no longer eat at them but when the day comes that I’m actually making some money they will be here.
I like the fact that I have other relatives here as well and we meet with them every other week or so for dinner. It is nice to be connected and not out on my own as I’ve always been.
I appreciate that my sister-in-law has offered me up as a possible person to help bartend when they are short staffed. I like working with her and I really appreciated the fact that he paid us for 5 hours instead of 3 last week!
I am thankful I have a friend who marched into a co-worker’s office to let them know I had applied for a job in that department and she wanted to put in a good word for me. I’m also thankful she was willing to contact her ex to see if he had any job openings, even though she doesn’t like him and she really wishes I didn’t work with him and his new wife. Neither of those leads have panned out but I appreciate the fact that she was willing to do that for me.
I will say once more that I am very thankful my mom opened up her home to me and my kids. I know there are many people out there who don’t have that kind of support. I won’t be homeless no matter what. I know that I often concentrate on the bad and what I don’t have so I do want to reiterate that I am aware I am blessed to have a mom who is still alive and who will help me out. I’m not living in a garage; I’m not living in a homeless shelter. I’m not living out of my car. I have a home with heat and food and DirecTV.
My dad is in failing health and we don’t have the best relationship but I am thankful I’m close by so I can occasionally see him. When I moved out here my stepmom gave me some money to help with moving expenses and then turned around and gave me a check to help with back to school expenses. That allowed me to pay my bills through this month.
I like the fact that we can now do things with family on a regular basis. My brother took Picasso and his son out to the shooting range the other day. We all met up to go out for my nephew’s birthday last week and then headed back to their house for cake. Last month we all went out for my brother’s birthday. No cake involved that time. Very disappointing.
I’m excited that for the first time in a long time I will be physically present for my mom’s birthday and Mother’s Day. We can all actually go out to dinner. I can hand her a present in person. Or I can make her dinner. Depends on how poor I am in May.
I’m thankful for my part-time job. I don’t really see it going anywhere but at least it’s something. Something is better than nothing. Surely to God someone will eventually hire me full-time and for more than $8/hour. The nice thing about the Target job is that they are willing to work with me and if I should get hired on full-time and need to be at another job by 8 or 8:30 then they’ll schedule me for 3 or 3 1/2 hours if that’s all I can work.
I like the fact that Picasso is happy here and he’s made a lot of friends. I like that he gets to play the cello again since that is what he loves.
Rock Star seems to be liking it here a little bit more. I’m sure making the cheerleading squad had a little bit to do with that. I think I wrote about her finally going to a football game and enjoying herself. She is close with her cousin and has some friends at school and at work. If we can just make it through the next five months until she can get her license we might be home free.
There you have it. The things I like about this move. It’s not a huge list but I did indeed make one. That has to count for something, right?
Do any of you watch The Middle? I do and I find it hilarious. Interesting fact… way back when it first premiered (the same year as Modern Family) I wasn’t going to watch it. For whatever reason it didn’t appeal to me in the beginning. I don’t know why, but I gave it a chance. It truly is a funny show.
Anyway, if you’ve never seen it it’s a family sitcom about the Hecks, a working class family living in Orson, IN. Mike works at the quarry and Frankie is a dental assistant. They have three children- Axl, Sue, and Brick. Unlike most sitcoms where the families are always upper middle class with fabulous lives the Hecks are always struggling. In the last year or so Mike and his brother started a college logo diaper business together. Say what? Yes, the diapers have the name of a college team on the outside and then their rival’s name is on the inside of the diaper. You know, so you can shit or piss all over your opponent. It’s actually becoming a profitable business and for the first time ever the Hecks have a little wiggle room. I give you all of this background information because it’s important to this past week’s storyline and how Mike rocks.
Sue is the middle child. Often forgotten by others she remains an eternal optimist. In high school she tried out for everything (although she rarely made the team) and in general she is just a cheerful, good natured, see the best in every situation type of girl. She’s now beginning her second year of college. She applied for and received financial aid for all four years of college. Unfortunately for her she needed to fill out her financial aid forms each year and she forgot. She gets to school and finds out she’s been dropped due to non-payment and she’s told there’s no way to reinstate the financial aid for this year; if she wants to attend classes she will have to pay the entire balance.
Naturally, Sue is freaking out. She runs home and tells her parents what is going on and Mike, who is generally very stoic and hands off, volunteers to talk to the bursar, probably in no small part because Frankie threatens to burn the place down.
Before they go in he warns Sue that she’s going to see him do things he’s not very proud of. He puts on the charm and does his best to convince her to give Sue a chance to fill out the paperwork so her aid can be reinstated. For Mike, this is huge. He’s sucking up. He’s handing out compliments. He’s acting all folksy and charming; however, it doesn’t work.
Sue is devastated. As she’s packing up her room her roommate asks her what she’s going to do. Sue replies that she’ll move back in with her parents and go back to work at Spudsies for the year. As Sue and Lexie are talking about how much they’re going to miss each other and Sue is listing all of the things she’s going to miss about college life she gets a notification on her computer. She’s back in! She’s been reinstated and is now registered for classes. She and Lexie jump around and shriek with joy. Hooray! The bursar must have taken pity on her and all the sucking up her dad did must have paid off.
Later, we see Mike and Frankie talking. She tells him that he must have been persuasive because Sue is once again enrolled at East Indiana State. He confesses that he didn’t convince the bursar; she wouldn’t budge. There was no financial aid. He paid the entire balance by selling his half of the diaper business. Frankie questions him about selling his half, knowing he loved it and it was going to be their nest egg. “Why?” she asks him, and he replies simply, “It’s Sue.”
Maybe you need to be a regular viewer to fully understand it, but when he spoke that one simple line it brought tears to my eyes.
Here is this man who has spent years struggling to provide for his family. His daughter messes up and forgets to fill out her financial aid forms again and will have to spend the year at home instead of being at school. So he does the only thing he can do if he wants her to continue on- he sells his half of the diaper business, the only thing of value he has.
He was willing to give up his nest egg to make his daughter’s dreams come true. Why? Because she’s Sue, the always happy, perpetually optimistic middle child.
I know this is a fictional character and yet I can’t help comparing him to CF. CF would never make such a sacrifice for either of his kids. He moved out of state and didn’t bother to inform his kids. He has visited those children exactly zero times since moving yet could make the drive every weekend when he had to drive down to see Harley. Sell off a valued business venture, or anything of value to help them out? Oh please! He’s far too busy trying to impress Harley and her kids to bother with his own. The entire time he pocketed almost $5000/month and had no bills he never once gave his kids anything extra aside from their allowances. Harley was quite busy spending his money on her own kids and making sure they got every advantage of his money but he didn’t bother with doing anything extra for his two. He couldn’t afford $80 for his own daughter’s Homecoming dress. He was so eager to get closer to Harley that he walked away from tens of thousands in unvested stock. He quit not one but two jobs in a four month span. He left his kids without health insurance. He forced them out of their home. He forced them to relocate once again, a mere two years after uprooting them and systematically dismantling their lives. He stood by and let his daughter transfer high schools her junior year. She got screwed out of her driver’s license because of his selfish behavior. That’s the father I gave my own children.
Mike Heck may not be real but he’s a better father than CF will ever be. Mike, when asked why he would sell something important to him, shrugs his shoulders and replies simply, “It’s Sue.” CF, if asked why he would do all that he has done to his children, would undoubtedly reply, “It’s all about me! I deserve to be happy.”
How cheaters rationalize what they’re doing…
That’s hilarious (and delusional, of course)! Unfortunately, that is truly how they view what they’re doing. Everything they destroy is worth it. Once everyone sees their love they will be fine with the destruction.
I think that says it all. They are all focusing on the fantasy and staying far, far away from reality.
But here’s the good news…
looking for inspiration, understanding, love and the beauty in this life
Always tweaking something!
Take your time to ask questions. It's a blessing to be curious. Discover new things about migration, multiculturalism and diversity.
Humor Strategist | Keynote Speaker | Writer Chick
Fierce Super Mom
finding a way to transform the pain
Infidelity Hurts
This WordPress.com site is the bee's knees
Sharing My Recovery
Trying to ace sober living
Ramblings From the North
Fighting to stay faithful, in a marriage without sex.
I rant, therefore I am
Thoughts on my struggle to reconcile the husband and father I am and want to be
My journey to healing from my husbands affair
Surviving Post-Divorce Poverty
Are we done yet?
*Theatre *Stage *Reviews *Performance *Dance *Art
One guys take on life and love
Striving to positively embrace the changes it brings
Searching for the Recipe for Lemonade
Moving forward gracefully and learning to breathe.....
Abnormality is The Spice of Life
Author, Speaker & Coach Matthew Williams
We dance round in a ring and suppose, but the secret sits in the middle and knows. – Robert Frost
Raw and real advice/girl talk/mom stuff /life and love/dating/fashion/gossip. I say it all
My Life in a Three Dimensional Shell
Who knows what I'm feeling today...
aftermath [af-ter-math, ahf-] noun 1. something that results or follows from an event, especially one of a disastrous or unfortunate nature
If you don't speak, no one will listen...
MLIASO is a collection of my thoughts and feelings relating to the journey navigating through my husbands infidelity. It has now been more than five years and I am still on this horrible ride.
One man's journey through the heartbreak of divorce
I'm divorcing a narcissist after 8 years of crazy. This is my story of getting out and healing from the abuse.
Slogging through my life, one cliche at a time.
the choices we make dictate the life we lead
Living life after divorce and betrayal.
Who says chivalry is dead? Oh, wait. I do.
Life and marriage after my husband's affair
Very well.
Life in the Land of the Not Quite Right
Are We Still Having Spaghetti For Dinner? 