That Time I Should Have Said, “No Way!” To Moving

June 2014

I’m only going to go down this road once. I haven’t talked to Zack yet and told him about her impending divorce. Because, let’s face it, I don’t KNOW with 100% certainty that that is a fact. Definitely high odds but not 100%- maybe 90-95%. But, I remember a year ago when I ignored all the signs and always came up with a bullshit excuse for why each thing was happening. I’m not going to do that this time.

The fact is my husband has been an emotional mess for months now. That could be just the way he is. Not an outrageous conclusion. It could be that he’s under a tremendous amount of stress carrying on an affair with his whore once again while also selling a house, moving closer to her, starting a new job, keeping me in the dark even as we look for houses, and realizing that even if his kids are close by they probably won’t want to have anything to do with him.

Another fact is that just as we’re moving 2000 miles across the country, a mere 6 hours from her, it looks like she and her husband are moving towards a divorce. Coincidence? I’d like to believe so. But I also wanted to believe it was a coincidence she blocked me from Facebook the day after Zack came home and found pictures of her all around the house. Oh, the explanations I came up with- maybe they’d still been in contact but now that he knew I knew he called it off and she blocked me in a fit of anger. Maybe it was an odd coincidence. Maybe, maybe, maybe. Maybe they were fooling around still and he simply shared with her that her pictures were all over his house. Maybe he thought perhaps I suspected something. Maybe she blocked me because they were still fucking around and he told her about it and she wanted me to know that she was still present in my life, that he refused to give her up. BINGO!

She’s growing her hair longer. He likes long hair. I’ve kept cutting mine so that I don’t look like her.

I have a few positive signs. They don’t mean much in the end because I realize he was able to successfully lie to me for months last year. He tells me he loves me, like really loves me. He tells me how beautiful I am, how sexy I am, how much he wants me. He tells me he doesn’t deserve me and I’m so wonderful and he’s nothing. He says he worries that I won’t move to our new state. That one can easily be explained by the kids. No momma means no kids. In short, he says all the right things. He makes me believe he realizes what a mistake he made and how grateful he is for a second chance. Makes me believe I’m the one and he’s madly in love with me. He’s even agreed to go to Florida with us.

His mom seems intent on re-establishing a relationship with me. Why would she do that if she knew I was history? But then again, she didn’t know before and she may not know now.

I didn’t see anything incriminating on his phone when I checked last time but surely he’s smart enough to delete that crap and any references to it. It looked like a perfectly innocent conversation with his sister. She did say they hadn’t been in contact so he’s not confiding any affair to her. I thought when he said his mess was self made he was referring to his past affair and how it influenced things today. But maybe his self made problems involve his on again affair with Harley. And there are other options besides mobile texting. SnapChat is perfect for that. The text or picture deletes itself in a few seconds.

My gut is not screaming like it did last year, but I’m not sure that means anything. I find it highly suspicious that she is getting divorced just as we are moving closer, which was part of their master plan. Move him closer. They have more chances to be together. I don’t know if he ever planned on leaving me to be with her.

On one hand I can’t deny what he told his nephew. On the other hand he says he never planned on divorcing me, that was all talk and it was all stupid fantasy. I think he wants to believe that now. But back then, in the heat of it all, I think he did want to leave and marry her. He might not have had it planned out, might not have been sure on how to a accomplish it, but I think he wanted to.

I guess the question now is how do you go from her being your soul mate, the one who makes you happy and you want to marry, to no, you’re the one I’ve always loved? I was stupid and wrong and it was all a big fantasy.

I’m sure the conversation won’t be easy. He’s going to feel like I can never trust him. Oh well, you cheat on your wife and that’s what happens. Maybe I’ll even be reigniting old passions. But, I’ve got to do it. Like I said, I ignored my instincts the last time. Ignored all warning signs. I’m not going to do that this time.

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Added two days later: I hate the fact that whenever a lot of time goes by and he hasn’t texted me I wonder if it’s because he’s busy texting her. I hate being even a little bit suspicious.

Present Day Sam Says: What I discovered when I talked to The Saint was that she was having another affair at this point. She is delightful, isn’t she?

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