It’s Hump Day

I wish I had an amazing update for you. Alas, I do not. There have been little things here and there but nothing amazing.

The job search is depressing. The only times I have heard anything has been when they are telling me they’ve gone with another candidate or that they’ve decided not to fill the position after all. The temporary staffing agency I interviewed with a little over a week ago hasn’t called me with anything yet. Yes, I’ve contacted them. I have an interview with another staffing agency next week. A relative knew of someone who needed to fill a position but apparently they needed someone with really strong Excel skills; she then suggested another company but they are not hiring office positions right now. I’ve been applying online like crazy. I’m going to an open interview on Saturday for a part-time job that will net me 25 hours maximum. It pays a whopping $10/hour. Nothing else is happening so I figure I’ll take that if it’s offered. Ah, poverty, I do so love you!

I have been doing a little bit of bartending. It’s nothing steady. I’m not even officially one of the bartenders. I fill in with no one else is available. It’s decent money, $15/hour, but it’s not full time and who knows when I’ll be able to work again.

Wanna hear a funny story? The bartending gig? It’s mostly weddings. Okay, I will admit to a few seconds of snark whenever I’m watching Four Weddings. The couple stands outside after their reception and talks about how it’s the perfect day and they have the perfect spouse and they are so in love and the cynical part of me calls out, “Get back to me in twenty years!”

In person though I have had no problems. Maybe it’s because I’m not at the actual wedding. Plus, I’m busy serving drinks so that keeps me occupied. Really, I think it’s just because I’m such an upbeat, positive person who is filled with love and rejoices with those who have found happiness.

Okay, that made me laugh. I really do like weddings. And I genuinely wish for the best for all these new couples. They do all look happy and full of promise.

What happens? How do we get to this point ten, fifteen, twenty or more years down the road? What happens to all of that love? All of those promises and hopes for the future? How does it all go so wrong?

I don’t know. If I did I could write a book and make millions. Then I wouldn’t need spousal and child support from Cousinfucker and I would be very happy indeed! What I do know is I refuse to let Cousinfucker and Harley the Whore take weddings away from me. Eh, I’m in the middle of a divorce. So what? Doesn’t mean other people don’t deserve to be happy. Doesn’t mean these marriages won’t last the test of time. I hope they do.

I love hearing the toasts from the best man and the maid of honor. I love seeing the parents who are so proud and yet a little bit misty-eyed as well, sending their babies off to live their own lives. Everything is so…. hopeful. So full of promise. They are so happy and in love. May they keep that for the entire marriage.

I did have a moment to pause last week when the DJ introduced the Daddy-Daughter dance. He was waxing and waning about the importance of that relationship and urging any fathers there with young daughters to take this opportunity to dance with them. My daughter doesn’t have that. She probably won’t ever have it because Cousinfucker will never own up to what he did. He’s always the victim, never the victimizer. I felt a twinge and then I got on with it. <pats self on back>  Good for me!

In other slightly positive news Picasso is in the midst of crafting yet another Halloween costume. Last year he made this incredible head to go as Foxxy, which is some character on Five Finger Freddy, I think. He showed me what he’s going to try to craft this year and it’s ambitious. But, what all this means is he’s going trick-or-treating!

I’m so happy about this. I hate not knowing that I’m doing or seeing something for the last time. I’ve had plenty of that thanks to Cousinfucker. I had no idea I was driving my daughter to her high school or picking her up from it for the last time when I did it. I had no idea I was watching her compete in cheerleading or gymnastics for the last time when I did it either. I thought I had two more years. Nope. Sorry. Cousinfucker is sad so you’ll have to move immediately.

Anyway, he’s going trick-or-treating with a group of friends. He is happy here. We were just talking about it last night as we went to buy supplies for his Halloween costume. He really likes it here. He can’t really articulate why, but he does.

Rock Star told me the other day that she’s not hating it as much as she used to. Apparently she has people telling her how pretty she is once again and that makes her happy. I’ve also discovered she is texting/snap chatting/ whatever it is the kids do these days with friends from her new school. This also makes me very happy. I’ve been worried about her.

She likes her job, is probably going to join National Honor Society, and now only has five months before she can get her license. Hey, one down!

She and her cousin spend a lot of time together and Queen B (which is what we call my niece who lives here locally) took her along when she did some community service so now Rock Star knows where she can do her community service hours for NHS. Just last night Queen B stopped by to take Rock Star out to Steak-n-Shake after hours. That’s something she never had before.

Sunday my other niece and nephew came up for Sunday dinner. My brother, Queen B and the local nephew (I’ll have to get around to giving him a name) all came out as well. They were late getting up here and Rock Star had to work that day at 1 so we went ahead and ate but later most of us went out to Old Navy to watch her work. When we left both girls waved and called out, “Bye, Cousin!” I thought that was very sweet and it makes me thankful we live closer. My kids’ whole lives we’ve never really lived close to family. I guess for 6 years we were kinda close- approximately 2 hours away.  I might have another Sunday dinner later this month while my mom is gone.

Oh yes, my mother took off to go to Florida for about a month. She’s staying with some friends. I hope she has a good time.

Yesterday she took me to lunch and then treated me to a mani/pedi. Glorious! I haven’t had either since June, I think. Then, for dinner we took the kids and went to one of my favorite pizza places. I LOVE their pizza and can only get it here in this town.

Finally, I’ve joined some Meetup groups. I’ve been out on a walk twice with one of them. It’s an all women group and we are all 40 or older. I’m supposed to go for another walk this evening with another group. Plus, I’ve joined 2 others. Haven’t done anything with them yet but their events keep popping up. Eventually I’m sure something will click. Sometimes the events are planned out far in advance and I’m not sure how much I can commit to. I keep hoping I will get a job (or two, more than likely).

So that’s it for me. This was my attempt at being positive. I hope I succeeded. Thank you for reading. Please come again.

8 thoughts on “It’s Hump Day

  1. I was thinking reading this post that it is so easy to focus on the disappointing aspects of our lives, the things we had and now do not, the things wish want and cannot have, the life we had that crumbled at the hands of another. This is not a criticism at all, because I have (and occasionally still do) exhibit the same sort of behavior. And my issues are atom-sized small cakes in comparison.

    Despite all that you’re enduring – and my heart truly does break for you and your children – your kids are actually very lucky. They have you. They have your mom. They have aunts and uncles and cousins. A home. Food. Opportunities to attend school and participate in their community. That’s not nothing, Sam. And I know you know that despite the angry rage and pain you carry.

    It’s one of the reasons I love reading your blog. I do not relish, enjoy, or even like reading about your struggles. It infuriates me that your xH is getting away with this shit. But I am such a great admirer of raw honesty about the lives we are leading – the good, the bad, the ugly. Today there is a ray of sunshine with your children and your family and your continued enjoyment of wedding. It might not seem like much, but I enjoy the contrast and the hope it brings to the darkness of your struggles and this new life and lifestyle you are enduring.


    1. Thank you. Like I said above I’ll take the little things, however little they may be. I do realize I’m luckier than most. My kids love me and want to be with me. I have a mom who has opened her home to me. I’m around family again. It’s a delicate balance trying to focus on the good while at the same time holding him accountable.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m happy for your kids that they are settling in. I switched my daughter when she 16 to a new school and it took her a year before she really started to engage. She hated it. This is a hard age. You are a good mom.


    1. Thank you. I never had any doubts about my son. He was settling in where we were but he never loved it the way my daughter did. I am glad that things are getting a little better for her, though.

      Was your daughter a junior, too? I sometimes think I should have just moved last year. It’s not like he’s paying me anything now anyway. Then she could have had 3 years here.

      Liked by 1 person

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