Deep Thoughts (That Piss Me Off)

Today’s meme theme is “Deep Thoughts”. These aren’t my thoughts. They’re other people’s thoughts but I liked them and they gave me something to think about. I’m in a dark place right now. That’s where I usually reside; so finding inspiration out of this is really really difficult right now. I take that inspiration and I crap all over it. Be forewarned. It’s probably best if you just read the meme and skip over my commentary.

1cgsuf

I do my best to take this to heart, to not let him win, to be determined that I will emerge victoriously. The sad truth though is that much more often I want to curl up into a ball and hide from the world. I would make an excellent hermit.

1cgsxo

Ah yes, the ol’, “You are more than a cheated on wife, stranded in middle age and left financially destroyed.” I know. I’m also sarcastic, bitter, enraged, hopeless, and defeated.

Wait! These are supposed to be inspirational! Here’s the thing. I can find inspiration in them one day and be depressed by them the next. It totally depends upon the mood. I told you to skip over the commentary.

1cgt04

Very sound advice. It’s not advice I necessarily need because I never talk to CF or anyone in his fucked up family.

1cgny6

Oh yes! I can’t even count the number of times I beat myself up for moving across the country, or for taking him back after the first affair, or for not seeing the signs for what they were, or for believing him, or for not being prepared for this to happen again. I think about the entire summer, both of them, where he lied to me and duped me over and over again. I think of him telling me he was giving his mom money, buying her a phone and paying her bill, buying her groceries… LIES! They were all lies and he could look right at me and lie with absolutely no problem.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it: I don’t want him. I don’t miss him. I got over him very quickly after I discovered his disgusting behavior. But knowing he had so little respect for me and that he could lie to me like that… that’s something that still makes me shake my head.

1cgqxs

I so want to believe this. I just don’t. Not for me anyway. It’s undoubtedly true for most people. I’ve heard of so many people having these fabulous lives after a divorce. I wish I were one of them but it doesn’t look like that’s in the cards for me. No, I get to live life with no new significant other, living with my mom, toiling at menial paying manual labor part-time jobs with my head barely above water. If this is my new beginning I’d just as soon my life be over. They did get one thing right though. This was a really really bad experience!

And what the hell is it with everyone telling you that this infidelity bullshit is somehow going to lead to all these great things happening? Seriously? I didn’t need to be cheated on to have good things in my life! Sometimes good things don’t come out of infidelity. Sometimes the cheated on spouse never does find love again; sometimes they end up attending kids’ high school graduations, college graduations, and weddings alone while the cheater and the whore live happily ever after. And then they die alone. Sometimes the cheated on spouse doesn’t end up with a fabulous new life, taking vacations and having fun experiences with the kids. Sometimes they work and work and work and still barely make ends meet because the cheating spouse is so fucking irresponsible. Sometimes life just sucks and sucks and sucks after divorce and infidelity and it never gets better. You get by but you don’t really live. What then, inspirational poster?

1cgoz8

It reminds me of a Kathy Troccoli song, “How Would I Know?” I don’t believe it’s true though that you need to experience great bouts of sadness or endure excruciating pain in order to be thankful for the good in your life. So many say those trials make the good times so much sweeter. Not me. I think sometimes the lows are so incredibly low that any little thing seems like a good thing. Will suffering lead to a person becoming more compassionate? Probably. Does it lead to a person being able to empathize more with others when they are in pain? Perhaps. I don’t, however, think it’s necessary.

It’s kind of insulting actually. It’s like they’re all saying, “Hey! We need to beat you down so that you can finally be grateful for something, you horrible, entitled, condescending, stuck-up, narcissistic asshole!” Um… I was already a pretty compassionate, kind, empathetic person. Now I’m just bitter and defeated.

1cgk98

I LOVE this one! It’s not so much inspirational as it is great advice. This quote is why I decided to go ahead and publish my blog before my divorce was final. This is MY truth, Cousinfucker. If you, your fucked up family, and Harley the Whore wanted me to write nicer things then maybe you all should have behaved better!

1cev9g

I am definitely guilty of this one! Here’s the thing: I don’t really believe all this “chapter” nonsense. He did waste my life. He left me financially ruined. He left me in a position where I will struggle every day for the rest of my life. I wasted twenty years with him. I wasted years that I could have been working and steadily gaining in income instead of staying at home with kids. I wasted years I could have decided to go back to school to get a real degree instead of the bullshit degree I have. All these years I supposedly have in front of me to create a new life? It’s bullshit.

I have 20 years of working left. Well, I’ll probably work until the day that I die because he’s fucked me so hard when it comes to this, but in theory… I have about 20 years until retirement. I either throw myself into my shit job that I have and hope that at some point in the next twenty years they see fit to take me out of the unloading trucks/stocking shelves side of things, give me a raise, and eventually work my way into something better. How long do you think that will take? Five years? Ten years? That’s half of the time I have left. I’ll be almost 60 before I make any kind of decent money, assuming of course I move up. And realistically, how long can I unload trucks and stock shelves? Is this what I’m going to be doing when I’m 68? What I will even be capable of doing? Doubtful. Or, I go back to school and I don’t graduate until I’m almost 50. Meanwhile, I’m once again living in poverty because I’m living on student loans and my wonderful stocking job. Now I need to have faith that I will actually get a job at my age, that anyone will take a chance on a 50 year old new graduate. Hmmm…. I couldn’t find a fucking decent job when I first graduated. I waited tables and worked in offices for the most part. And now that I’ve re-entered the workforce I’m not even able to find a full-time job. So forgive me if I don’t automatically trust that I will find a job once I graduate at age 50. Or possibly later.

I don’t have all of these years to form a new life. I have a very small window. For everything. It’s a smaller window for being able to support myself, for finding someone new, for creating a new life.

1cgjfp

I sometimes think these things are said by women who are relatively young, have many good years ahead of them, no children, and a good paying job.

Did I realize what an absolute fucking jerk he was and leave? Yes, I did. Is this the beginning? The beginning of Hell. The beginning of struggling every day of my life from here on out. The beginning of disappointing my kids every time I turn around because I can’t make any money and buy them what they need or want.

1cgrnm

This is a truly inspiring quote by Harriet Tubman. I wish I could channel that moxie and conviction.

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