Every now and then you just need to remind yourself of some good advice. A lot of it came from people over on Chump Lady, some from other e-cards I’ve seen and adjusted to fit the situation, and one even came from Cousinfucker himself. There really is some good advice in here.
I used to say, “You know he’s lying when his lips are moving.” This is just a different way to put it. It still holds true.
This one is HUGE! It’s not that he lied, cheated, stole, snuck around, drained accounts, etc. etc. it’s how you react to it. See, if you’d just forgive and forget none of this would be happening.
So many people get caught up in this. They want their partner to go back to being the person they were before. Guess what? That person was an illusion. It was a con to get you to invest in them. That’s why they love bomb. They want to suck you in before you see behind the mask. They’re like magicians. While you’re watching one hand, awed by the “magic”, the other hand is busy performing the actual trick.
This person you’re seeing now? That’s the real person. So by all means, cherish the initial misconception but keep reminding yourself that that’s all it was- a misconception, a con, an illusion.
That’s what everyone who has been cheated on needs to remember. Those cheaters are settling for someone just like them.
Some people say that the best karma is for the cheaters to end up together; I think that’s true. They know the other one cheats. They know the other one lies. They know they are both morally reprehensible people and now they have to live with each other.
Sometimes they’re evil, and other times they’re just stupid. The jury is still out on Cousinfucker and Harley. As my mom would say, “It’s six of one, half dozen of the other.”
I love this one. It is so true. I tend to think CF has much more to worry about, especially seeing as how Harley has already allegedly cheated. Since they’re both cheaters I think it also works when you say that a woman who marries her lover leaves a vacancy. She’s a whore and he doesn’t have money anymore. It’s not going to be pretty.
They love to play the blame game. It’s not that he or she cheated; it’s that you won’t stop telling everyone about it! They expect us to continue to cover for them; when we don’t play that role any longer then we’re blamed for the consequences. Don’t play this game; don’t let them put this responsibility on you. As others have pointed out: If what you’re doing isn’t bad then it’s not bad for me to talk about it.
This is a sad but true lesson so many people end up learning.
Hey! Now that’s putting a positive spin on it!
More false equivalencies. Upset because your spouse cheated? Yeah well, maybe you didn’t put the toilet seat down or didn’t cook his favorite meal or fold clothes the right way. Maybe you snored or laughed in a really annoying way or wouldn’t let them spend the weekend in Vegas without you. You nagged! You didn’t stir the spaghetti sauce correctly! One time you didn’t say thank you! So you’re not innocent either and you’re definitely not perfect! Let’s admit that we both have our faults. Because of course letting the laundry pile up is totally on the same level as fucking your neighbor.
Working a little Hunger Games into this. I’m not completely sure of that statistic. Someone worked it out and came up with that. Nonetheless, the odds are not good. Something like only 10% of men leave their wives for their affair partners, and only 2-4%, I believe, end up actually marrying the affair partner. In my wonderful divorced parenting class the statistic was 75% of ALL second marriages end in divorce.
He’s not used to me standing up for myself and after hearing from hundreds of other people in my similar situation I’d say that’s true for a lot of us. We tend to go with the flow. We think of others. We put others before us. So when we finally do take a stand (especially once we’ve been dumped for the other person) the cheater is not prepared. Since we’re not reacting and performing the way we should we are obviously just big ol’ bitches!
I hope that day comes real soon for Cousinfucker and Harley. In the meantime I just keep this in mind.
This is another really important thing to remember. I posted about that when I was first blogging. They don’t change. They change partners. Keep reminding yourself of that. You are not missing out on someone great. He (or she) is not better for her (or him).
Yep, Cousinfucker actually said that to me. Isn’t he just the best? Wow- releasing me from the burdens of being his wife. What a guy!
No, sweetie, he’s not going to change. At least not the way you think he’s going to change. He didn’t cheat because his wife was a bitch or frigid or abusive. He didn’t cheat because they lived like roommates or he was treated like a handyman or a paycheck only. He cheated because he could. He felt entitled to it. Once he’s got you right where he wants you he’s going to change alright. He’s going to transform right back into that person he’s been all along. And then he’ll probably go looking for another side piece because remember, you’ve left a vacancy there in that position. I’d wish you good luck but I don’t want to; you don’t deserve it.
Another terribly important thing to remember. How many times did you hear it was “just a mistake”? No, having an affair is a choice. When you choose to have an affair you’ve made a series of decisions at each and every point along the way. There is no mistake. Only choices and decisions.
I swear this must be the reasoning behind what he does and says. That, or he’s just a pathological liar.
This is such a difficult thing to do, isn’t it? I think we’re hardwired to forgive, to give second and third and fourth chances. We don’t want to accept that some people are simply shitty human beings and there’s nothing to work with. We don’t do that. We always think everyone has some sort of redeeming qualities. If we just give them enough chances and are patient enough then surely they will come around.
Sadly, that’s not always true. Some people really are evil. Some might not be evil but they’re beyond help because they refuse to take any responsibility. That describes everyone in Cousinfucker’s family and Cousinfucker himself. No matter what happens he’s always the victim. They’re always the victims. Any consequences that fall their way isn’t their fault at all. It’s someone else being mean or hateful. In the end, they’re shitty human beings and there’s nothing anyone can do. It’s best to recognize that and work within those confines.
And that bitch’s name is Harley.
Obviously, this is supposed to be for men who end up paying alimony after cheating on their wives (or cheating breadwinning wives who end up paying their husbands). My apologies to any alimony payers out there that are paying a cheater or anyone else who left. I can’t imagine what an incredibly shitty position that is to be in. Personally, I think all states should do what mine does: If you would be receiving alimony but you cheat you forfeit alimony.
Nonetheless, I appreciate the sentiment behind this. I would say I hope it was worth it, but really I don’t.
One thing they repeat constantly over on Chump Lady, and which I think is important, is that the OP is always a downgrade. The mere fact that they would get involved with a married man or woman, blithely destroy a family, never give a second thought to any children that may be hurt, and go about their merry way is proof of that. No matter what that other person might have- more money, a skinnier ass, bigger boobs, bigger penis, a beach house, prettier, more handsome, more education, a better job, a pony- they are still a morally reprehensible person who was perfectly willing to fuck a married man or woman. They will never be better than you.
Am I perfect? No, not at all. Am I better in every single way than Cousinfucker and Harley? Absolutely. I don’t fuck other people’s spouses and I don’t abandon my children.
This is very much like the way Cousinfucker loved to trot out that tired bullshit of me taking 75% of his paycheck (66% really) but always failed to mention the fact that he left me with 100% of the bills and 100% of the childcare.
YES! I sometimes wonder how they like their reality now.