That One Year Mark That Didn’t Mean a Damn Thing

 

July 2014

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before or not because I can’t see every entry unless I’m on my computer. I know he’s in contact with his sister because I checked his phone again while he was home. I’m also pretty sure there were deleted texts. Sometimes the conversation just didn’t seem to flow.

I want to be confident. I want to be able to state, “Harley is out of our lives and my husband realizes she was the worst mistake he ever made. He loves me madly and would never look at another woman, much less her, again. He has learned his lesson and this is where he wants to be. We’re happier than before and things are going great.” Hell, sometimes I want to be childish and say, “You were absolutely nothing to him. You were a fantasy, a diversion. The minute he realized he was going to lose me he ended it. There was no contest. All I had to do was ask him how long he thought I was going to put up with this, tell him I deserved to be with someone who loved me, that I deserved to be happy, too, and then tell him he needed to decide what he was going to do, too get his head out of his ass and choose one way or another, and suddenly you weren’t so appealing. Ha!”

But I don’t want to end up with egg on my face. I still remember asking him if she was worth losing me and his children over, and he said he didn’t want to lose his kids. It wasn’t until later he said he didn’t want to lose any of us, after I told him to get his head out of his ass and hung up.

I keep thinking that after we’ve reached the one year mark I might feel more confident. Or after we’ve all moved out there and he doesn’t inform me he wants a divorce shortly before our 20 year anniversary.

Present Day Sam Says: No, instead he waited until shortly after our 20 year anniversary. Nicely played, Cousinfucker.  Nicely played.

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