I wrote what I considered to be a nice post about CF and I ended up with an interesting comment. Now, this person said she had read my blog so I’m guessing she wasn’t commenting strictly on my last post but on the blog as a whole. I was just going to respond in the comments but the response got very long so I decided to turn it into a separate post.
I’ve enjoyed reading your blog. I know it helps to vent. I’m not trying to be critical, but have you considered letting go of the animosity? Yes, you were lied to. Yes, he’s scum.
But perhaps it’s time to let go.
Have I considered letting go of the animosity? That’s an interesting question. See, back before he fucked me completely over by quitting yet another job, I was fine. I had no animosity. I wouldn’t spit on the man if he were on fire but I gave him very little thought. My kids and I were doing fine. We were going to church. My daughter was active in school. My son was going to join the marching band. I was going to start looking for a job right around the time my daughter could drive. I was looking forward to getting divorced after our one year waiting period was over. I had a plan and we were doing beautifully. But then he quit his new job. Stopped paying support. Forced us to move a second time in 2 years. Made my daughter transfer her junior year. Cost her her driver’s license and wasted my damn money. It’s been less than 5 months since he dropped that particular bomb so the animosity is relatively new. I’m not really interested in being all namaste. He’s playing some rather serious games with me and my kids and our future. I have no desire to reward that behavior. If not for his antics we would probably already be divorced and he could be married to the new love of his life.
And honestly? I’m a dream STBXW. I’m not harassing him; I never called his phone, texted him, or sent emails repeatedly. I didn’t break his crap. I didn’t throw anything onto the lawn. I didn’t show up at his work and cause a scene. I’ve never confronted his cousin/mistress. I don’t ever talk to him. Period. If there is information to be passed along I pass it along. If he requests something I produce it. He lived at home and paid me what he thought he was going to be ordered to pay me in spousal and child support. I was supposed to use all of my money to pay the household bills (you know, the one he was living in as well) while he got to spend his money on the whore and her kids. Every weekend he left to go be with her and then returned home so that he could go to work during the week. I let him go with no fight. Again, no harassing texts or phone calls. No showing up on her doorstep with kids in tow or even by myself. I didn’t say a word to him about it. He absolutely had it made. Hell, when I finally kicked him out of the master bedroom and into the guest room I hung up all of his clothes! Nothing was just dumped in there as many people advised me to do. Actually, what they advised me to do was dump his crap on the lawn. I didn’t. I took the high road. I waited for my day in court. If that’s animosity and seeking revenge I’d say he had nothing to complain about.
Do you know what all that got me? More lies, mainly. He lied and said I had him served and he had no idea why. He lied and said I threw everything of his in the trash. He lied and said I kicked him out of the house and that was why he had to move out of the state. He even lied and told people I wouldn’t let him take a single item from the house. If the lies weren’t enough he went one further and showed naked pictures of me to the whore. Very nice.
Oops, wait! We did have one confrontation in person when I presented him a list for his half of the household expenses but that was fairly tame. He also made the mistake of asking me if I was okay way back in the very beginning. I’m not sure you could even call it a confrontation but I did let him know that, no, I was not okay and I listed the reasons why I was not. Then there was also the time I made the grievous mistake of letting him know the support check was late (after it had been “lost” in the mail the month before). I guess you could also count the time I found out he was no longer depositing his check into our account. I confronted him and was accused of stealing every dime he made. Does the night I demanded he delete all pictures of me off of his phone after learning about his penchant for sharing them with the whore also count as a confrontation? It was quite brief, lasting only a minute or so. Nonetheless, I think he had a pretty dreamy situation going on.
As far as letting go I have let go of him. I let go the minute I heard about his affair. That doesn’t end his other obligations though. I tend to believe that this whole idea of letting go simply means agreeing to eat another shit sandwich. Or rolling over and letting them do whatever they want to do. That’s very convenient for them and I’m sure that cheaters would love that. Who wouldn’t love to do whatever the hell they wanted to do with absolutely no consequences and everyone covering for them?
Also, this is a blog about infidelity and divorce (and a few other things here and there). It doesn’t mean his affair is center stage in my life every single minute of the day; it means this is what I’ve chosen to blog about. I’m also in the middle of a divorce. I’m sure letting go will be a lot easier once I’m legally untethered to the asshole. I have heard it said you can’t really be Meh until the divorce is over. I’m not divorced and he keeps piling shit my way so there’s always a new adventure for me, thanks to him. I’ve likened it to trying to let a wound heal when someone is always coming in and slicing it open again. You want me to heal? Stop cutting me.
Sometimes adult relationships just don’t work out. That’s life. Someone you love doesn’t love you back. It’s harsh, but it’s reality.
You are correct that sometimes adult relationships just don’t work out. That’s not what happened here though. If he had decided he just couldn’t live with me anymore that would be one thing. Instead he didn’t decide to move on until he had someone else lined up. He cheated. He had an affair. He lied and basically stole marital funds to give to his mistress. He abandoned his children and left me financially destitute.
He moved us across the country. He tore our lives apart and forced us to rebuild them. Then he tore them apart again when he began his affair. And then he did it a third time when he quit his second job in 4 months and refused to help support his kids, forcing us to move once again. I am not going to file that under Oh Well It Just Didn’t Work Out.
It was deliberate. It was deceitful. I have no desire or obligation to sweep it under the rug with a shrug of my shoulders and sigh, “These things happen. Relationships end.”
As someone who has been cheated on myself, yeah, it hurts. But you have to move forward. Especially when children are involved. I worked my ass off to get an education. However, even with an advanced degree, I would scrub toilets if I had to for my kids.
I don’t have a problem with going back to work. Unfortunately I can’t make people hire me and while it sounds good to say you’d scrub toilets, if scrubbing toilets 80 hours a week still didn’t pay your bills then you’re scrubbing toilets for nothing.
I am working. Unfortunately it doesn’t relieve the financial burden I face. Will I work the 60 hours needed in order to barely be able to pay my bills and provide for my kids? Yes, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it or act like it’s no big deal. It sucks big hairy donkey balls. I’m going to hate every single second of it and I don’t feel the need to pretend that everything is wonderful and I just love unloading trucks, stocking shelves and lugging books around. I’m sure as hell not going to work my ass off while he sits around the whorehouse drinking, watching TV, and fucking a slut and not say a word about the fact that he is not providing a damn dime in support for his kids.
This man has made 6 figures for the last 15 years and miraculously, 2 months before our divorce can be finalized, he is suddenly overcome with PTSD? Yeah, sorry but there is absolutely no way I’m going to sit down, shut up, and smile while he fucks me over up one side and down the other.
And no matter how much “adult” hurt I felt, I would never ever lay that on my kids.
I chose to marry him. I chose to have children with him. Now I am choosing to divorce him. My children will never know the hurt that I felt, nor will I ever speak poorly about their father in front of them. Because he is their father. Period.
Unfortunately for CF his kids were older when this happened and I am not going to lie to protect him. I’m not going to say that I have been 100% perfect or that they have never overheard me. I’m sure I have slipped up once or twice even with most of my conversations happening when they were out of the house. There was no way to sugarcoat any of what happened in the last 14 months. He chose to live in the house and ignore his kids the entire time. He chose to go spend the weekends with his mistress instead of watching his daughter at any of her competitions. He moved out of the house and out of the state without saying a word to his kids. He chose to never come back and see his kids. I guess I could have lied to them and told them he just moved out and that he was living down the street, but, well, that would have been a lie. And then what do I do about him never visiting them? More lies? Or maybe I could tell them I refused to let him see them and then that way he comes across as the good guy and I’m the mean, unreasonable mommy that keeps them from him. That’s not going to happen. I’m no longer his PR agent. I suppose I could have lied again when he stopped paying support and made it seem like moving them once again was all my idea for no reason at all. But you guessed it. I’m no longer his PR agent and I’m not going to lie for him.
I just want to make it clear I do not talk badly about him and I don’t lay my hurt on them. Aside from the day I had to tell my kids we were getting a divorce, and the day I informed my daughter we were going to have to move again, they have never seen me cry about any of this. Considering the fact that I have cried pretty much every. single. day since he stopped supporting them I think that’s quite a feat.
When this first happened I tried the ol’, “This Is Adult Stuff and Doesn’t Concern You” approach when my son was asking about jobs and me returning to work. At the age of 13 he was pretty spot on when he replied, “This affects my life, too, so it is my business.” I made the decision to be honest with my kids in an age appropriate manner. You asked where your dad is. He’s in his home state with his girlfriend. When asked if everyone down there knew and if they were okay with it I was honest and told them that they did indeed know and they did support it. When arranging for rides to school they wanted to know why I couldn’t take them. I told them I couldn’t take them because I had to go to a parenting class. Your dad lost his job and won’t be sending anymore money; we are going to have to move. When asked when Dad would be back I told them I didn’t know for certain but that I thought he had moved out. When I found out he had moved out of state I told them.
I don’t tell my kids he’s an asshole; I’ve even reminded them of some of the good things he did or places he went with us. They know he’s an asshole because of his actions. He hasn’t bothered to drive to see them one single time since he moved away and yet they saw him leave every weekend to go visit the whore. He won’t talk to them on the phone. He hasn’t texted either of them since June. He couldn’t be bothered to stick his head in their rooms and ask them what was up the entire six months he lived with us. He never once offered to take them to dinner or out for ice cream or to do anything with him. Whenever he texted our daughter the texts were self-serving pity parties for himself, concentrating on him and his needs. He upset her so much she ended up crying because of the things he was saying. He thinks of himself and only himself and tries to guilt her into feeling sorry for him.
I definitely don’t say to them the things I say here. Honestly, the funniest part of this whole thing is the fact that even after cheating on me he’s the one always talking crap about me! Your mom never loved me. Your mom didn’t take care of me. Your mom took a bunch of money from me. Your mom has a lawyer and I don’t. Your mom takes all of my paycheck; I barely have anything left over to live on. Read the court order, kids! Anything short of me laying down, giving him everything he wants, and then dying is going to result in him complaining about what I’m doing, and if I’m being totally honest I think he’d probably be pissed off if I died because that would mean he might actually have to take care of his own kids and that might throw a wrench in the whole setup with Harley. Yeah, he’d probably rather I just give him whatever he wants.
I’m not judging you. You were clearly f-ed over. But do you want revenge, or do you want peace? Those two emotions cannot co-exist.
I would hardly call insisting on my fair share, or him living up to the court order he agreed to, seeking revenge but if that’s what it is I’m fine with it. I’m not one of those that thinks forgiveness is necessary or even appropriate in every case. I’m not seeking peace. Truth be told, I’m not searching for either; I want my damn money that he owes me. If peace means bending over and grabbing my ankles I’m not interested. If revenge gets me what I’m owed then sign me up!