When I first separated from Jackass a friend of mine who was also going through a divorce told me I should consider getting a credit card or two in my own name. I took her advice and ended up with three small credit limit credit cards. My intention was not to use them willy nilly but to have them in case of emergency seeing as how my income had radically changed. Unfortunately, the one with the largest credit limit is almost maxed out because I ended up having to put my retainer for my lawyer on it. I believe that is what we would call “an emergency”. That still left two with a little over $3000 total. I kept them at a zero balance so that if I needed to pay another retainer I would have the funds. Then I needed a credit card to pay for the moving truck so I used one of them. I didn’t max it out and I paid it off in full, although I did use it again to buy some clothes for my daughter and some groceries. So far so good… until recently.
I mentioned in passing a week or so ago that one of my credit card accounts was closed. Yes, see because Jackass is no longer working and no longer paying me spousal support our marital debt is no longer getting paid. I’m no longer legally responsible for the bills, according to the court order, but he’s not taking care of anything and the creditors don’t care about any court agreement. So I received a letter from the parent company, letting me know that “after careful review” they were closing the account. The careful review had everything to do with the credit card that Jackass is supposed to be taking care of. It is over 100 days due. It has a very large balance and it is wrecking havoc with my two credit cards (which happen to be from the same parent company).
I take the first one on the chin like a champ. Okay, that’s going to put a definite crimp in my plans. I was going to use them to buy groceries and Christmas presents and to basically extend my ability to pay for shit for another month or two or possibly even three. My job might possibly pay my bills but I was counting on the extra $2500 to be able to buy food and anything else that might come up- like dog food, an oil change, license plates, saline solution… I know it’s not a great way to live and I wouldn’t recommend it but when you’re desperate you’ll do what you have to. Living on credit cards was what my life had come to. Only now I was down $1500. I figured they had probably closed it not only because of the other credit card that hadn’t been paid on, but also because I had no balance on it and hadn’t used it except for the day I opened it. I then promptly paid it off in full. Not the best situation but I could still make do until I found a second job and started getting paid from my first job.
The other day I was buying groceries. Imagine that! Two kids. They like to eat. I used the other card, the one with a small balance on it. It was declined for insufficient funds. I’m thinking that there’s no way I have maxed this card out. I have barely used it! I’m wracking my brain trying to figure out how on earth I managed to spend so much money there was no more money on it. I wondered if maybe they hadn’t received my payment so that’s why I couldn’t use it. I ended up coming home and searching through my papers to find my bill from last month. After looking at it I’m thinking there’s no way I spent over $1000 in a month! There has got to be some mistake. Either there is an errant charge on my card, or they didn’t get my payment in time.
Yesterday I went to the mailbox and I received notification that although they’re not going to close my account they are lowering my credit limit from $1700 to $710! My balance is $685. I have $25 in credit available to me.
Over the course of less than three weeks I have lost access to $2500. I have less than $200 in my checking account and I don’t get paid until next Friday. I doubt I will get paid enough to actually cover my bills. I know I won’t have enough to pay my bills, buy my license plates, pay my fucking tax on my car back in my former state (that will be due in December!), buy food for my kids and dog food for my dogs.
If you’ve ever read my blog and thought, “Gosh, she sounds angry and bitter!” or wondered, “Why can’t she just move on and focus on making her life wonderful?” this is why! Every goddamn fucking time I come up with some plan to get me by he fucks me over in some way!
I have paid all of MY bills. OUR bills were paid on time when he was paying me what he was supposed to pay me. Yes, my income was slashed, my bills remained the same, and my priority was to keep everything current. I didn’t take my share of the bonus check (or what was left over after having to finish paying off a pool I swam in a handful of times) and blow it. I saved it and then used that savings to pay the majority of our bills despite the fact that he was no longer paying me anything. I even kept paying on a credit card that he was supposed to be responsible for because I knew he wasn’t going to pay it. My car payment is paid. The two credit cards I’ve been paying on have been paid. This third one I just recently began using has been paid. But because he chose to quit his fucking job and walk away from everything I am once again paying the price.
It’s not bad enough that he quit his job of 15 years and walked away from tens of thousands of dollars in restricted stock. That was plan #1 to help me with some of the bigger expenses as Rock Star neared her senior year. Plan #2 was to get a job around the time Rock Star got her license. She could drive where she needed to go; she could take Picasso where he needed to go as he got more active in school. It would allow me to buy her a car and it would give me more discretionary income. Of course, he shit all over that plan once he stopped paying court ordered support after quitting his second job. As you all know that resulted in us basically losing the house and being forced to move out of state. That also wiped out Plan #3 and #4- staying put until Rock Star graduated and Picasso getting more involved in school. No, now he gets to fuck with my credit. It looks like nothing I do on my own is going to help me. The only thing anyone seems to care about is whether or not this one particular card is getting paid.
I swear I don’t know why I bother. I’m getting up at 3:30 in the fucking morning to go to a job that doesn’t even pay me enough to pay my bills. Or, maybe it will pay my bills and that will be it. I pay my bills and it doesn’t matter. I don’t get credit for what I do actually do; I’m only penalized for what HE is not doing.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: This is why I don’t try to look for the positives. Every time I do, every single fucking time I start to think maybe my situation doesn’t suck as hard as I think it does, I get kicked in the throat.
I was actually beginning to look on the bright side. Rock Star made the cheer team. I had a job finally. Picasso chose a high school and while we were there for the open house one of the football coaches recruited him to play. He’s never played before but decided it would be a good way to make friends and to get in shape. Kids were getting settled. And now this. I’m dead broke. I have no credit cards for emergency use. I am not going to be able to buy my kids a single thing for Christmas.
I’m done. I accept the fact that my life is over. I accept that my life is going to suck from here on out. I always say I don’t know what else he can possibly do but I know there is something more that he can do to fuck me over. He always finds a way. I’m pretty much waiting for the judge to tell me he doesn’t have to pay me a dime in child or spousal support. I wouldn’t be surprised at this point if I wasn’t ordered to pay him spousal support and/or child support with the way my life has been going. Hell, I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that he liquidated his 401k the very day he resigned from his new job. I should probably count on it because sometimes I foolishly think, “Well, at least I’m guaranteed half of that.” No, he’ll somehow fuck me over on that as well. He gets away with murder and I’m left picking up all the pieces. I fucking hate him.
To make this shitty day even better is the fact that right after I get this devastating news I have to take my son down to an open house for scholarships. I retire to my room, bawl my eyes out, get myself together and then take off so that we can fill out forms with the hopes he’ll be eligible for free college tuition. After we got home he hugged me and told me, “In case I haven’t told you lately, I appreciate everything you do for me.” Nothing like that to guilt you when you’re praying for a massive coronary, an aneurysm, or a terminal illness.
Give me a minute. I’ll get over it. I’ll pull myself up by my boot straps and get ready for him to pull some more shit.