My Ideal Man, Part 2

Have you been waiting on pins and needles? Here it is. My list for the ideal man.

  1.  Absolutely no cheaters. Like I said before if he cheated before that is a deal breaker. I don’t care if she beat you, if she chained you to the bedroom closet, if she never cleaned the house, if she refused to have sex, if she made fun of your penis size, if she baked you a shit pie. Divorce her by all means. She sounds hideous! But don’t cheat.
  2. No smokers. I hate the habit and I just can’t do it. Yes, I realize it is not an indicator of whether or not a person will cheat. I still don’t want to be with a person who smokes.
  3. Another biggie- I would have to find someone who was willing to date exclusively but who didn’t need to get married or live together. That is huge actually. It’s not even about spousal support anymore. I don’t ever want to be put in the position where I have something thanks to another person.
  4. I would like a man who pulled me out of my shell a bit. Someone who, if I’m hesitant to try something or go someplace, would say, “Hey, it sounds like fun. Let’s do this!”  It would be nice to have someone who supported me when I was freaking out and could calm me down instead of heading into the crazy himself. I remember all the times I had gymnastics meets at unfamiliar gyms and I had to go in by myself. I always thought it would be so nice to have someone to navigate that with, someone to sit with, someone to talk to in between Rock Star and her teammates being up.
  5. I would want someone who is happy and upbeat and very little drama. I’m tired of miserable and sobbing and everything being the biggest deal on the planet. I can be very supportive when my hypothetical boyfriend is going through tough times but when it’s always tough times, or he doesn’t reciprocate, I draw the line. Also, I’m done trying to make someone happy. Fuck that! I learned the hard way that another person’s happiness is not my responsibility. There are some people who will never be happy no matter what you’re willing to do and I don’t ever want to be with one of those people again. I’m not talking about doing nice things like baking his favorite dessert or surprising him with something special. I’m talking being responsible for his happiness at the very core of his being. Cousinfucker was never happy and nothing I did was ever enough.
  6. I would want someone who has my back! That’s a big one after everything I’ve been through with Cousinfucker and his family. Don’t throw me under the damn bus and then act like you don’t know why I’m upset. Don’t throw me under the bus at all! Stick up for me! Don’t talk badly about me and don’t let others talk badly about me in your presence.
  7. I still prefer a guy who can make me laugh.
  8. I would want someone who is family oriented. If a guy has abandoned his own kids then he has no business playing family with mine. I would like a person who enjoys spending time with us, all of us. It goes without saying if he’s cruel or unkind to my kids we’re done.
  9. It would be nice to be with a guy who gave a little effort. Maybe plan a surprise birthday party for me, buy me something sweet that I’m not expecting (doesn’t have to be expensive- I love polar bears and pajamas and chocolate dipped strawberries!) or do something romantic on our anniversary (dating anniversary, of course, not wedding). I don’t need this all the time but occasionally would be nice.
  10. I would want someone who enjoyed spending time with me and who liked to go out occasionally. It would be nice to go to plays or movies, to a sporting event, out to dinner, anything really. Hell, I would be happy with a damn walk along the river!
  11. It would be nice to date someone who was there for me. Someone who would go to my class reunions, weddings, funerals, big life events, instead of always declining and making me go on my own. The running joke in my family was, “Yes, I swear, I really am married!” Actually, it wouldn’t just be nice, it would absolutely be another requirement. Why date this person if I have to do all that crap alone?
  12. How does he handle confrontation and communication? I think this is also huge because I don’t think Cousinfucker and I did this well. I will admit that I didn’t speak up, mainly because he always had such a bad reaction to any bad news or anything that wasn’t blowing sunshine up his ass. He liked to be adored and told he was doing everything wonderfully. So, being able to communicate effectively would be important.
  13. It is definitely important that my fictitious boyfriend likes animals. I have 3 dogs. I’m a huge animal lover. Honestly, I think the most romantic gesture a man could perform for me would be to buy me a dog. Seriously, I think I would prefer that over almost anything, including expensive jewelry or fancy romantic getaways. I read that in a book one time and my heart melted. In that instance she had 4 dogs already, I think. Her boyfriend saw a stray and fed him, and then brought him home with him because he knew she would never forgive him if he just left the dog there on the street. When he brought the dog home she was amazed. “No one has ever brought me a dog before. My ex-husband always made fun of me for having so many.” I know my mother is reading this and thinking, “No way in hell!” So, while it would be a wildly romantic gesture for me, I can’t have another dog any time soon.
  14. Obviously I want someone who is going to be kind and honest. I don’t want anyone who thinks he’s better than others or who talks down to people who are in a position to wait on him. I don’t want someone who lies.
  15. This isn’t so much a requirement as it is a window into his way of thinking. I would carefully look at how he interacts with people in his life- his parents, siblings, co-workers, bosses, exs if he has them (and let’s face it, at this age I’m sure he does), friends. I think you can gain a lot of insight by doing that. Does he treat his mother well? On the other end is he a complete Mama’s Boy that will never have any boundaries and never stand up for me? Does he think all of his bosses are idiots? Treat his co-workers well? What are his friends like? If they’re a bunch of cheaters and liars that probably is not going to bode well for our relationship. What does he have to say about his ex and how is their relationship? Look at me, living in a glass house and throwing stones! Yeah, my ex is a lying cheating asshole and we have no relationship.
  16. This one is a little shallow but I’m going to add it anyway. If I ever do date again I want to have great sex again. I know that sex isn’t everything but when it’s not good sex it becomes a really big deal.
  17. I would like to be with someone who is not afraid to hold my hand in public or put his arm around me. I rarely got that with CF. I’m a physically affectionate person. I want to be with someone else who is physically affectionate. I don’t have to be making out in public but I also don’t want to feel like you’re embarrassed to be seen with me.

Currently, that’s my list. I may revise it one day. I think it’s pretty comprehensive. I didn’t mention money issues but that’s mainly because I won’t ever have to deal with that. If I’m not willing to marry him, or even live with him, I’m fairly certain a joint bank account is out. Everything else is fairly negotiable. I would put it in the category of a wish list. It would be nice to have but it’s not a deal breaker. Those things I listed above? Are. Except for #9. That would be very nice and I would appreciate it, but if everything else was there I could live without it. #17 is on the edge of wish list/requirement. As I said above, I don’t need to be full on hanging all over each other, but I also don’t want someone who refuses to ever so much as hold my hand.

What’s the point of this post? I don’t know. It’s a moot point for me because I won’t be dating again; I’m at the point in my life where I figure anyone who would be interested in me would be some sort of predator. By that I mean someone who can see I’m at a vulnerable point in my life- single mom, cheating ex, struggling financially- and swoop in with the love bombing, followed by the discard and victim morphing. Someone who might think I’m easy prey and that I’m so desperate for a partner I’d be willing to put up with just about anything. Gosh, I’d almost like to encounter someone like that just so I show him how incredibly wrong he is. <insert evil laugh>

I suppose I’d like to think that if I ever changed my mind and thought better of my prospects I would choose a mate based upon his character. It’s one thing if we have a lot in common and like a lot of the same things; it’s a completely different thing to have the same morals and values. We can both love playing euchre and eating Mexican food, but that doesn’t guarantee that he’s not a cheater or a liar. Hell, nothing guarantees that! A person can be funny, charming, good looking, intelligent, and have a great job but they can still be rotten to the core. I guess that if I ever decide to put myself out there again I’ll keep my trusty list handy, refer to it often, and base my decisions on whether or not he meets those guidelines. If it’s true that this is indeed a second chance then I hope I will use it wisely if I ever decide to take it. Truthfully? I doubt I’ll ever take it. I need a guarantee and they don’t exist.

4 thoughts on “My Ideal Man, Part 2

  1. I find it interesting you have one criteria that I also heard another friend of mine say: just want someone to date, not to marry or move in with. My friend actually said, I want someone to go out twice a month with (on the weekends she didn’t have her kids). I’m puzzled by this. Any good guy worth having is probably looking more than a casual buddy friendship. I teased my friend that her criteria was basically for a married man looking to have a little fun on the side. You’re a little ahead of me in this divorce thing. If it works out for you, then it must be a thing! Good luck! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am willing to be exclusive. I’ll even put out for the right guy. 😉 But I just don’t see myself ever getting married or living with someone again.

      I will never put myself in a position where I am dependent on another person for my lifestyle. I relied on my husband and I ended up losing everything- my house, my furniture, my belongings, my pool, my dignity. I will probably end up losing my car. I can barely support my children. I had to move out of state. I had to take my kids out of their schools. I will NEVER let that happen again. I am not going to remarry or move in with someone and be discarded for some whore and lose my life as I know it ever again.

      Even in an exclusive relationship I know nothing of his is mine and I prefer it that way. I’m not living in a house I can’t afford on my own. I’m not buying things that I will have to get rid of the minute he decides he’s done with me. I will never watch my life collapse around me because of some man and his wandering dick ever again. If this hypothetical new man wants to take me places or buy me things I will always know that it ends as soon as he decides he’s no longer interested.

      For me it is a complete safety measure. It has taken me almost 6 months to finally be at the point where I have more “good days” than bad. And by good days, I mean I can kinda sorta get through the day without collapsing into tears because my life is such a fucking disaster. I can kinda sorta feel optimistic for short periods of time instead of focusing with laser like precision on all the bad stuff. I truly think that if I ever remarried or moved in with someone and lost it all again I wouldn’t survive it. I barely survived this time around and there are still days I scream out to God, “Why won’t you just kill me now?” I know I couldn’t do it again.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. As someone who has seen the underbelly, the under-underbelly, and the under-under-underbelly of men, I can give you this advice.

    The most important thing: ferret out somehow if he’s ever been with prostitutes. You have to ask this in a way that he will actually be honest. Ask it in a light hearted way. Or say you would understand why a man may resort to prostitutes (shudder). If he says yes in any way, cross him off the list.

    How does he talk about his exwife (if applicable)? If he calls her a bitch or says nasty things about her (in a crude way), cross him off.

    What is/was his relationship like with his mother? If bad (even if not his fault, say she abandoned him), cross him off.

    Pay close attention to how he treats service people. If he is rude, condescending, even a little bit, cross him off the list.

    Be VERY careful of men older than 35 who have never married or had a long term arrangement. Chances are they are too emotionally stunted, solipsistic, or immature to get involved seriously.

    Yes if he’s a cheater cross him off, but realize he will lie about this!! Again, you may have to inquire about it in a sneaky way (as with the prostitution question).

    You need to be more demanding. Your list is way too lite. You don’t pay. You don’t travel. Make him accommodate YOU.


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