Thanksgiving is a bittersweet time for me this year. I feel like last year I did fine. Maybe I was on autopilot.
Thanksgiving was our last good holiday together as a family. Come to think of it, it was probably the last happy time we really had before his big downward spiral, courtesy of Blockhead and his helpful information to CF.
I thought we had a good Christmas but then I read his text message to Jezebel on the 26th and discovered he was deeply unhappy. Here I am posing for family pictures with all of us in matching pajamas, we’re all smiles and he’s thinking about how unhappy he is and how he never should have tried to be happy. Told his sister he was heavily medicated. I would later find out that Blockhead had already started feeding him information before our anniversary because he was the one to tell him that I didn’t like my anniversary gift. I suppose that even while we were opening gifts with just the four of us, him buying me my laptop and clothes and lingerie that he was plotting his revenge and wasn’t really happy.
Thanksgiving of 2014 though was a great time. We had just moved into our new house. I had bought new furniture, unpacked all the boxes, and had decorated for the holidays. I had actual Thanksgiving decorations up. My mom, brother, sister-in-law, nephew, and 2 nieces all came down to celebrate the holiday at our new house. My daughter’s best friend from out west had already flown out to spend the holiday with us. We had a full house. All beds were filled and we even had two blow up beds. I cooked. My mom and sister-in-law helped. I made extra mashed potatoes because they were Rock Star’s best friend’s favorite. CF decided to try grilling the turkey for a change of pace. There was tons of food. We ate, played Phase 10, indulged in yummy desserts- pumpkin pies, a chocolate dessert for my sister-in-law, Scotcheroos. CF was in great spirits. He was very sociable and outgoing; he woke the girls up with a turkey neck down his pants. He was in great spirits. I had everyone fill out slips of paper listing the three things that they would remember the most.
All the females forced me into going Black Friday shopping and that turned out to be a favorite memory for most of them. I got 2 great pairs of boots that night.
Yes, Thanksgiving 2014 was the last happy memory we have as a family. It might possibly be my last happy memory, period. Everything pretty much fell to shit after this day two years ago. I lost my house, my income, my husband. I had to move out of state. I had to pull my kids out of their schools. I disrupted their lives once again. They are slowly adjusting to this new life. They will be okay. They’re young and have their whole lives ahead of them. They have hope and can spread their wings and get out of this hell hole.
I hate it. I don’t think I’ll ever have another happy day. I’m old. I’ve wasted my life. I’m going to spend the rest of my life working menial jobs for sub par wages, struggling to make ends meet and knowing I can’t take care of my kids.
It is definitely a bittersweet holiday. I can stay stuck in the past and remember how great, or at least how comfortable, my life was, or I can “focus on the future” and try to make the best of this shitty, shitty hand I was dealt. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.