Talking with my mom and looking back with wide open eyes I am astounded at how much shit I put up with. Things that were commonplace to me are absurd to casual bystanders. I decided to break this up into a few parts because there is just so much insanity. In his defense we were together 21 years so I’m sure most couples with a 21 year relationship could probably come up with a long list of complaints.
I tried my best to put it into chronological order but it’s not perfect. We may go back in time once or twice. I will warn you that most of the really juicy stuff will come in the later parts. Today’s edition is mainly stupid things I did in my quest to be the perfect wife.
So, take a trip back to the 1990s, pretend you’re watching Seinfeld and that Festivus is a real holiday. Here is my “Airing of Grievances” (and stupid things I did):
- I think this was 2 days before the wedding (not that it matters) but one night I was asking him what he wanted to eat. He couldn’t decide between smoked sausage or spaghetti (hmmm.… I’m sensing a theme here). Me, being the adoring fiancee, future dutiful wife, I told him no problem- I would make both! And I did. Here’s your spaghetti with a side of smoked sausage! Don’t you just want to puke?
- I remember before we were even married having a fight about sex and making a mental note to myself to never reject his advances because of his tantrum. How fucked up is that?
- I remember him criticizing me for walking around naked and him accusing me of being a nymphomaniac. It’s really funny when I look back on it because now he would complain that I have serious body issues (the problems that come from being thin until your mid-20s and then ballooning up to over 200 pounds after 2 pregnancies) and no interest in sex.
- When we were dating and living together (we had a very short relationship before marriage) the man did more cleaning than I did. He put away laundry. He did laundry! He would wash dishes. He was amazing. He even cooked. He had show towels! Once we got married he couldn’t put a frozen pizza in the oven. Seriously. He would ask me to make him a pizza. And I did it! Hell, I cut it up and put it on a plate for him and then served it to him.
- Going solidly down the stupid path: I remember one day when I was going to work overtime I got the house clean, made him his favorite casserole, and made Rice Krispie Treats before leaving for work so that he would have dinner to come home to. Did I mention I was working 12 hours that day? I was so proud of myself and what a good little wife I was. Puke!
- More stupidity: We both worked second shift when we were first married so we got home a little after 11, most nights. He was installing a ceiling fan, I think, and I asked him if he was hungry. No, he tells me. I lay down on the couch while he’s working and I start to fall asleep. Just as I’m ready to pick my weary body up and head upstairs he tells me, “I’ll take that dinner now.” Instead of telling him what I should have told him, which was, “Too late. I’m going to bed!” I made him pork chops, potatoes, and a vegetable. At 1:00 in the fucking morning. I am an awesome wife no matter what he says!
- I don’t know if I should be more astounded at him asking me, while I was at work, what there was to eat at home, or by the fact that I actually knew and could tell him
- I won’t classify this as something stupid I did or something shitty he did. It simply made me think. I could tell you dozens of stories about him and his high school and college days. He never really wanted to know about mine. He said in the beginning it was because it probably included guys that I slept with and he didn’t want to hear about that. I seriously doubt he knows I won Best Actress in high school. I don’t think he knows I dropped out of college my last semester and went back a few months later. He has no idea the kind of things that my friends and I did back in my high school or during my college days. But I heard nonstop about his- his full ride scholarship for pre-med, him being drafted by a professional baseball team, football and baseball team captain, class President and valedictorian. Stories of him and his friends at East Dull. I never even thought about it until recently. And the funny part is for people who know us I’m sure they would say I am the gregarious one, while he is quiet and remote. Yet, he always managed to take center stage in our marriage/lives.
- This probably doesn’t really belong on the list but hey, it’s my list! Early on in our marriage, like in year 2, a bat got into the house we were renting. I was the one that finally got the damn thing out of the house. He was a chicken shit. As my best friend said, “Wow, it’s at times like that that I could really use a husband. Or, I guess a wife.”
- I almost stepped on a snake in our garage years later; I HATE snakes! Turns out I was married to one! I call him up at work, freaking out. His reply? “It’s not poisonous.” Really, Motherfucker? How long have we been married and you think my concern is that the damn thing might be poisonous? Of course he wouldn’t offer to come home or even offer up a little bit of sympathy! Oh no! He had a very important job and was a very important person.