Let’s Be Friends!

I hear this a lot from people who talk about their cheater’s reaction and from cheater’s themselves who think that once the divorce is over that they and the betrayed spouse will be best of buddies. “I’m hoping my spouse and I can be friends after the divorce. I think we will be. Sure, he/she will be mad for a little while but they’ll get over it. Maybe we can even double date sometime.” I guess it’s true what they say. Affairs really do cause people to lose their damn minds.

I’m not saying it never happens. On another board I frequently read there is a longtime poster who is friendly with her ex and his wife, who was the other woman. She even babysat their kids once upon a time and is known as Aunt to them. Hell, they vacation together! Another woman on that same board was cheated on by her husband of twenty plus years. She’s not friendly with the other woman turned wife, not even after all of these years, but she does consider her ex-husband to be a friend. She’s actually proud of the fact that they are friends.

Just in case anyone was wondering where I stood on the whole “friendship after gutting me, betraying me, lying to me and destroying my life” thing, I’m solidly in the corner of, “No fucking way.” I’m sure that’s shocking to most of you.

Look, the way I see it why would I want to be friends with someone like that? Or as someone over on Chump Lady once put it: You want to be friends after what you did to me as my husband?

This person has lied and cheated. Why would anyone believe that now that they’re “friends” this person won’t continue to lie and cheat, gaslight and betray? I depend on my friends to have my back, not stab me in it. I expect my friends to care about me and my best interests; someone who has cheated on me has demonstrated they don’t give one single solitary fuck about me or my best interests. I expect my friends to be loyal to me. A person who cheats on me isn’t going to be loyal now that we’re “friends”. Bottom line: I prefer friends who don’t lie to me. Actually, it’s not so much a preference as it is a prerequisite.

Okay, just for shits and grins let’s pretend that I actually buy this “friendship after an affair” bullshit. Let’s pretend millions of other betrayed spouses buy it, too. It sure sounds like a swell idea, Wally. So tell me, how’s it going to work?

Are you going to call me up on the phone and have long conversations with me? You didn’t want to do that as my husband so why are you so willing to do it now that we’re divorced and you’re fucking a whore? The same whore you left me for.

Are we going to text each other all day? First, what on earth would we talk about all day long? I find people who need to text each other constantly juvenile. Second, I’m not even able to text all day long. I’ve got this thing called a job. I’ve actually got two things called a job. And I can’t be on my phone while I’m working either of them. Maybe once you start making obscene amounts of money they don’t care how much you’re on your phone. Lord knows CF told me many times about how he played games all day long. But when you’re simply a mindless peon you have to put your phone away, which means I can’t text with you all day long to tell you about every minute of my tedious life.

Hey, I just cashed a check! Oh wow, I just cashed another one. Oh, this time it was a withdrawal. Holy shit! I just made a deposit. Oops, answered a phone call. Made another checking deposit. Cashed in some coins. I know; this stuff is fascinating.

Would we go out to dinner together? Would we catch a movie? Maybe go to the casinos or take a walk or see a play or sit down and watch television together? Hey, I know! We could go to the next Chump Lady book launch party together! I’ll introduce you to her. You’ll love her.

Seriously, what is this friendship supposed to look like? And do I have to hang out with your whore as well? Because that’s not happening. I’ll throat punch that bitch.

Don’t tell me how much you admire me and appreciate me. Don’t tell me how you want us to move forward into a new relationship that is defined by us being happy for each other in our new lives. I don’t give a shit about your new life. Your new life came at MY expense. Frankly, I hope your new life crashes and burns. I hope your dick falls off. I hope your whore dies a horrible death. I hope you’re miserable for the rest of your dickless life. Go fuck yourself and your happiness. You’re a liar and a cheater and I don’t wish to be friends with people who stab me in the back and betray me.

I’d no sooner want to hang out with the guy who cheated on me than I would want to hang out with the guy who kidnapped my kids or raped me. Sorry. You’re in that category now. If you wanted to be my friend you shouldn’t have cheated on me.

In the end I think it comes down to two primary motivations- image management and keeping the other woman (or man) on a short leash.

Hey, if someone cheats on their spouse and they continue to be friends that has got to be nerve wracking for the affair partner. This person was supposed to be so awful, so horrible, that their beloved was forced to cheat on them. If not for their egregious behavior the affair partner’s beloved would never have been tempted to turn towards another person. So how come they’re still friends? Why is he texting her (or why is she texting him?)? Why are they meeting for friendly dinners or lunches? This makes no sense. Maybe your soul mate isn’t going to leave behind the wretched spouse after all. By golly, you’ll just have to dance harder and prettier to make sure you’re still #1. Isn’t that a lucky break for the cheater? Yep, not discarding the former wife (or husband) sure keeps the mistress turned main squeeze/new wife in check. Maybe once those marriage vows were said they realized they married a person who doesn’t have a problem cheating on their spouse. And lying to them about it. Dance, dance, dance! A cheater’s got to keep his or her options open. If you won’t dance pretty they’ll find someone who will.

And if the betrayed spouse agrees to go along with the friendship bullshit then the cheater can say, “See? I didn’t do anything wrong. We’re still friends. Would we be friends if I had done anything horrible to my spouse? Of course not! So obviously we simply grew apart. There were problems in the marriage but now we’re going to go forward as best of friends who work together cooperatively for the sake of our children. No need to judge me or label me a low down yellow-bellied slime bucket cheater because my former spouse and I are friends!” Image management, people. Image management.

They can tell everyone that they’re still a wonderful person who refuses to be defined by their cheating, lying, backstabbing behavior. If they had any guilt the friendship assuages it. Again, what a lucky break for the cheater.

Personally, if someone wants to remain friends with their cheating ex I don’t care. Hell, they can make nice with the skanky ass ho, too, if it makes them feel better. I, however, have no desire to play nice with the ex and his whore. I will never be friends with either of them. They have absolutely nothing of value to add to my life. They’re manipulative liars with no conscience. I try to stay away from people like that. I would advise everyone else to do the same.

First Week Of the Rest Of My Life

I have officially completed my first week of full-time work. Yes, I’ve worked 60-70 hours a week before but that was two different part-time jobs. I was also doing full-time training for the last 2 weeks while working my part-time job. But this week was the first week of me working my full-time job, my part-time job, juggling kids and schedules, taking care of pets, doing grocery shopping, making dinner, and doing laundry. This is the first week of the rest of my life. I would say it really sucks; however, honestly, it’s just whatever. It’s not good; it’s not bad. It just is. I’m neither happy nor sad. I exist. I work. I take care of my kids. I do the things I need to get done. I can’t even say that I’m exhausted all the time, although I’m ready for bed usually by 8:00 or so. I guess working those sixteen hour days has paid off.

Monday was the day of my final exam. Yes, for $11/hour I had to take 2 quizzes and a final exam over everything that I learned. Not only did I have to do that, I had to pass with a 90% average. No pressure. Ultimately I ended up with a 95% average overall. Not bad. To be perfectly honest I would have been fine with a 90%. I wasn’t looking to be a superstar; I just wanted to pass so I could keep my full-time job.

The exam and grading took me half the day. I then headed over to the branch I’ll be working at until next Monday. I worked until 5:15. Once home I shampooed carpets.  My dogs are not used to having to hold their bladders; they are extremely spoiled animals who have been able to go out and come in at will all their lives. I did some laundry since I knew I had to go into work at 4 am the next day, and tried to catch up on dishes. My daughter had a basketball game to cheer at that evening and they were doing a special halftime performance so I left the house around 7:15 to watch her cheer. My niece and her two other cousins were at the game as well. I ended up taking her home because the other two girls needed to leave after halftime. We got home around 9:30, maybe 10:00. I got my clothes together and headed to bed.

Tuesday I was up around 3:20. I headed into work at Target. They’ve got me working in soft lines now, which is clothing. I like to look at it as a promotion because 1) they consider it cross training and 2) I no longer have to bowl (which is what they call taking the pallets out to the floor and putting the boxes where they go in the aisles). It’s not a promotion but it is easier.

I headed home so that I could take Rock Star to school. Dropped her off, went back home, finished getting ready for the bank and then went to work. I stopped off at Target after work to spend my gift card finally. I bought such luxury items as dog food, tooth paste, saline solution, and razors! I, however, forgot to buy toilet paper. I did a sheet pan dinner that night- steak, broccoli, and brussel sprouts. There were supposed to be potatoes as well but I forgot them so I just made some instant mashed potatoes.

Wednesday I didn’t work my second job so the day started off with getting ready for work and dropping Rock Star off at school. I still came home to finish getting ready and to pack my lunch. I worked at the drive-thru that day, which was new. It’s in a completely different location and I had a little bit of difficulty finding it but it all ended up okay. Rock Star worked that night, 6-10, so I hurried home to pick her up and take her to work. I’m pretty sure I did another load of laundry. Whenever I’m working more than a day at Target I like to make sure I have enough pants and shirts to get me through the work period. I picked my daughter up from work at 10, headed home, and went to bed.

Thursday started at 3:20 am. Rise and shine! I went to work at Target, headed home to pick up Rock Star, took her to school, came home to get ready for the bank, packed the rest of my lunch, and then headed off to work. I left work, grabbed Rock Star from cheerleading practice and then took her to get some dinner before she headed off to work. Then I was sent on a mission to pick up a pair of boots she had seen for $13 at Marshall’s. I procured the boots for her and then went home to make dinner for Picasso and myself. Rock Star let me know I had lucked out and she was getting off at 9 instead of 10 that night. I was still up far too late, probably until around 11.

I know I said I’m usually ready for bed around 8. It’s true. I am ready for bed and I’m usually nodding off. But once I get back home and get ready for bed I seem to be wide awake. Hence, going to bed somewhere between 10 and 11 even when my alarm goes off really early in the morning.

Friday was more of the same. Getting up at 3:20. Working at Target until a little after 7. Taking Rock Star to school. Of course, she lets me know as I’m dropping her off that Picasso was still at home. She casually says, as she’s getting out of the car, “You know Picasso is still at home, right?”

Um, how I would I know this? I left the house at a quarter til four. I came home, pulled in the driveway, honked to let her know I was there, she came out to the car and I drove her to school. At what point would I have discovered my man child was still at home?

I call him on my way home and he tells me he went out at his regular time but his bus never came. Whatever. I told him to get ready and I would take him to school once I was ready for work.

I quickly changed clothes and threw food into my lunch bag. Then we took off for his school and I continued on to the bank.

It was a crazy day there. The phones were ringing off the hook. And I swear that I feel like I know less at the end of my first week than I did at the beginning. I’m crossing my fingers that week 2 feels a little more comfortable.

When I got home I discovered my nephew was spending the weekend which was a pleasant surprise. Rock Star worked 6-10 again so I took her to and picked her up from work. I decided to just grab subs for dinner because I didn’t feel like cooking. It was that or pizza and the boys voted for subs.

Finally, today I was again up at 3:20 so that I could head into Target by 4. As I left for work I realized my niece had spent the night. I stayed until almost 10 because I could and I need the hours. I had to pick up toilet paper, sausage and biscuits for breakfast and things to make Taco Twist soup for dinner. I came home, cleaned up the kitchen while I was making biscuits and gravy and then shortly after breakfast (which didn’t take place until around 11, 11:30) I took a nap. I know I was awake when Queen B took Rock Star to work at 1 so sometime after that I laid down and fell asleep until 4.

I was awakened by barking dogs when my brother and sister-in-law stopped by to visit. I cleaned up the kitchen from the breakfast mess and eventually made my soup. My brother stayed for dinner but my sister-in-law headed home before it was done.

I’ve got four kids again tonight. Rock Star just got off work at 9:30 and she and Queen B have headed out to IHOP and Target. Last time I checked Picasso was in bed (he had a rough day of video game playing so I’m sure he’s exhausted) and my nephew is downstairs watching TV.

Tomorrow my sister-in-law, Queen B, Rock Star and I are all headed to my other niece’s boyfriend’s basketball game. Apparently there may be more family headed to the game as well. We shall see. I would like to say I’m looking forward to it but sadly anymore it seems like anything that I do just seems like a task, even things that should be fun. It’s almost like it’s on a checklist that I’m trying to get through to prove that I have this full and exciting life. I’ll write more about that later. For now I think I’m going to post this entry, eat a bowl of cereal, watch the rest of Say Yes to the Dress, and then head off to bed.

Owning Your Part In Your Partner’s Affair (Yeah, Right!)

 

September 2014

I don’t know why I continue to read blogs by betrayed spouses. I suppose I want to see the end of their stories, see them heal and get on with their lives. I really don’t know why I continue to read this “repentant” cheating husband’s blog. Depressing. Narcissistic. Blowhard. Self – righteous, sanctimonious, sonofabitch. He really is. Everything he writes is geared towards the cheating spouse, making it easier on them. He is absolutely convinced that most affairs begin because the betrayed spouse isn’t meeting the cheating spouse’s needs. They’re unhappy in their marriage so they reach out to someone new. I’m not sure how exactly that works. Poor baby is unhappy so he fucks a whore. He’s a victim and needs love and understanding, and what are you going to do to fix this for him? Meanwhile, I would be willing to bet his wife was no happier but she didn’t go fuck a whore. And somehow she’s the bad person? She’s the one that needs to figure out how to please her husband and make him not cheat?

Listen, asshole, I immediately took responsibility for my actions, or lack thereof which made the whore look appealing to my husband. I didn’t realize at the time how serious it was, or later, how I was being played and humiliated. But, I took responsibility. We didn’t spend enough time talking. There wasn’t enough sex. We were glorified roommates. I later learned he felt like he was only a paycheck and a handyman. I got all that and I owned it and vowed to make it better. But it didn’t happen in a vacuum. He pushed me away. I could never do enough. I remember telling a therapist once, he bitches about the house being a mess so I clean the house. Then he complains about the laundry so I catch up on the laundry. Then he complains about me not making dinner so I make dinner. Then he complains about the kids’ behavior so I work on that. Then he complains about the lack of sex. It’s never ending. I can never do everything he wants me to do. I can never be perfect.

He didn’t want to join us. He didn’t want to partner up with me to raise our kids. We weren’t a team. He didn’t want me in our bed. He just wanted sex. Feed me, clean my clothes, take care of me, and fuck me. And finally I had just had enough. I stopped giving a shit. That is true. He might have been unhappy but I was unhappy, too. The big difference between us? I didn’t run out and find some guy to stroke my ego and tell me how beautiful and sexy I was. I didn’t spend my days sexting with another man and making plans for our future. I wasn’t sending another man naked pictures, or telling family members how I loved him, or making plans to tattoo my love for him on my body. So yeah, I win. I may be responsible for the fact there was a void, but I am not responsible at all for how he chose to fill that void. Suck on that!

Present Day Sam Says: I’m over the whole “owning your part” for your partner’s affair. I’ve pretty much decided that if someone cheats they don’t get to hand a list of self improvement tasks off to anyone. If you discover your spouse cheating and they tell you what all you need to do to keep them from cheating on you again find yourself a pit bull attorney and file for divorce; you’re married to an entitled asshole. Tell that person you’ve got a few demands of your own and you’re planning on getting them legally enforced.

My Heart Sings

I was having a conversation with my daughter a week or so ago. I don’t even remember what we were talking about exactly or how it came up but she stated, “I’m happy.” <Jaw drop>

“You are?” I asked her, astonished. Believe me, this was the first time I had come close to hearing anything like this. In fact, I had just asked her probably no more than 2 weeks earlier if she was liking it at her new high school more now that people were starting to notice her, she had made friends, and had joined the cheerleading team. She shrugged and replied, “Eh.”

Not this time, though! This time she went on to say that she was just really happy. She had her good friends and her cheer teammates. She had a fantastic mom and an okay brother. Again, I had to stifle a cry of joy because that’s the nicest thing she’s said about her brother in ages. She loves her job and is “in” with the managers. She’s not even that bothered anymore about not having her license because so many of the people she knows here don’t have them either.

She’s happy! Both of my kids are happy and settled. As the old song sings, “Two out of three ain’t bad.”

My Bitch List, Part 14

Part 14 will conclude the Airing of the Grievances. If you’ve been following along on my blog for a while now these will probably, once again, be repeats but I wanted to put them in a neat, tidy list!

• He moved out of the state after moving us 2000 miles away from our lives. On top of that he didn’t even bother to tell his children that he moved. He didn’t tell them he moved out of the house, much less that he moved out of the fucking state!
• He also resigned from his job of 15 years.
• He told people I not only threw away all of his clothes, but also that I tossed them into garbage bags and threw them in the trash. They were all hanging in the damn guest room closet! He lived in that room for 5 months. He knew they were there. The rest of his clothes, the ones in the dressers, were still sitting there. They’re *still* sitting there. He knew that, too, seeing as how he came into my room to grab them.
• He insists upon telling people that I threw everything associated with him away. I’m guessing he’s talking about pictures. Not true. They’re all either in drawers or sitting on the floor up against the wall. It’s not like he has to dig around in the attic to find them!
• He’s telling people I made him move. He told his daughter he had no choice and told his sister that I made him leave his home and his kids AND that I wouldn’t allow him to take anything from the house with him. Again, not true. He merely had to pay rent.
• After driving to see his whore every single weekend from August-February (a 6 hour drive one way) once he moved he actually expected our daughter to drive to see him. Yes, he wanted a brand new driver to get on the highway/toll road, drive 70 mph and make a 7 hour trip to see him because he couldn’t be bothered to drive to see her and her brother.
• He angrily told our son, “Why don’t you read the court document and stop listening to everything you’re told?” when he asked about their allowances. That would be the same son he tried to justify his affair to by telling him we hadn’t been happy since having kids.
• Now he’s telling our daughter he has no money because he has to pay off all the credit cards that I ran up.
• Found out he had another emotional/sexting affair. Sonofabitch! And once again he lied like a rug about it when confronted. He told me she was a stalker, someone he had tried to help but then she ended up becoming inappropriate with him. Liar!
• Tried to get his daughter to play into his pity party when she didn’t recognize him on Memorial Day. Told her she knew it was the worst day of the year for him, every year. She replied that the worst day of her life was finding out her dad was cheating on her mom. His response? I’m sorry about that but your mom never loved me. So I guess that makes it okay to cheat? Ever heard of divorcing BEFORE you find your next wife?
• He resigned from his new job, checked into a psych ward and told me he wasn’t going to be sending me anymore money which forced his daughter to switch schools her junior year of high school. Twenty-one years of listening to him bitch about how he hated switching schools all the time when he was younger for what? At least he never had to switch high schools. It also forced us to move, yet again, over 600 miles away and move in with my mom. My kids have had to leave all of their new friends behind. My daughter has had to give up being the captain of the gymnastics team and probably the captain of the cheerleading team, as well. She has resigned herself to simply going to school and working. Hooray!
• He moved us the first time, wrecking any chance she had of getting a gymnastics scholarship because there were no gyms close by. Now he has wrecked any chance of her getting a cheerleading scholarship because none of the damn schools up here have competitive cheer. He has also completely taken gymnastics away from her. It’s done. There are no teams at the high schools and it was way too expensive to send her to a private club. Thanks, Dad! Hey, can you get your whore to come tell me what a great father you are again? I’d love to punch her in her fucking face right about the time she finished up with, “He’s such a good dad!” BAM! Shut your fucking mouth, whore!
• Thanks to this new move, my daughter has to start all over with a learner’s permit. I spent $200 on nothing.
• Shit Face can’t be bothered to contact his own kids but has no problems posing on FB with his fake son.
• Despite the fact that he isn’t divorced and despite the fact that he was having an affair he has a picture of the whore and him together as his profile picture and lists his status as “in a relationship” with the whore.

Hopefully there will not be a part 15. Hopefully he will stay out of my life and out of my sight and I will never have cause to create another list about the dumb/insensitive/nasty/disrespectful/selfish things he’s done.

My Bitch List, Part 13

Ah yes, life with the wife and kids versus life with the whore and her kids. And more end of the relationship shit. Again, a lot of this was written while it was happening and I haven’t changed the verb tenses so if it seems suspicious that we’re still living together… well, we’re not. It’s in the past although not far enough in the past to please me.

• I sat in on a therapy session with him, the therapist and I both coaching him on getting through the drive for his so called business trip.  Yes, that’s right.  I coached him so that he was able to drive off and go fuck a whore.
• Another stupid move on my part: He started coming home at lunch because he was pissed off at his boss. Apparently, he wanted to skip lunch and leave work more along the lines of 4 or 4:30. His boss expected him to stay until 5. CF mentioned to me that the only reason they stayed so long was because they all took a 2 hour lunch. So he started coming home for his 2 hours. I would go upstairs and sit with him while he answered emails or watched TV, or more importantly, texted and sexted with the whore. Such a good dutiful wife.
• I find out he’s siphoned off thousands of dollars in marital assets to give to the whore, has spent hundreds, if not thousands, of dollars on her each month, has bought her a diamond ring and bought her kids a puppy, bought her and her daughter new iPhone 6s and is paying their cell phone bill, cashed in stock, opened a separate account, and has just generally been a dickhead.  He then has the nerve to tell me that this can still be civil.  Yeah, right!
• Later I found out he could spend over $300 on a prom/dance type dress for Harley’s daughter but he couldn’t give me $80 for a dress for his own child.  Also saw his charge card statement for Christmas- hundreds of dollars spent at Ulta, Francesca’s, American Eagle, Dick’s Sporting Good, Walmart… so nice to know he’s got extra money.
• That same month, when he didn’t have money to pay his share of the household bills, and didn’t have money to buy his daughter a homecoming dress, he managed to have enough money to buy an approximately $4200 engagement ring for his home wrecking whore. She/He/They also spent almost $200 at Vera Bradley, over $400 at some sports store (for her kids, no doubt), hundreds on vision care, over $400 on Harley’s utilities, and more than $1500 on Harley’s lawyer so she could get her divorce. That was all in one month. Glad to see he has his priorities straight!
• He couldn’t go out to dinner with either of his kids for their birthday because of his “issues” yet somehow he has no problem going out to eat with his dysfunctional family, his whore, or her kids.  Nice.
• He lives here during the week and waltzes off every weekend to go be with his whore.  He is beyond bold about this.  It is more like a slap in the face.  A big “fuck you!” to all of us.
• 30 minutes after I tell him I know he’s fucking his cousin and giving her money he asks me if we’re still having spaghetti for dinner.  And then later that evening asks again.  When I tell him no he has the nerve to ask me what there is to eat around here.
• When his whore posts on Facebook how she is having such a sleepless night because she misses the comfort she’s grown so accustomed to my daughter flips out and sends him an angry text.  He ends up trying to turn it all around into how he’s the poor put upon victim.  He’s not welcome.  He pays all the bills.  He starves while we eat.  I guess the dumb shit is actually waiting for me to bring him a fucking plate of food still!  She never posted that!  I don’t know what you saw or what someone told you but it wasn’t her!  Then when it’s proven that it was indeed her he says he wasn’t trying to lie and he had never seen that and then continues on with his victim stance.
• The bastard accused me of stealing every dime he makes.  Fuck you!
• Over the course of 4 months, from the beginning of September until the end of December, he had access to approximately $30,000. He had no bills- no cell phone, no car payment (I had made the final payment with the money he believed he would owe me), no car insurance (I paid that), no rent or mortgage, no utilities. I point this out because that $30k he had access to was all fun money. By the end of December he had a little over $600 in the account. At one point there was just over $100 in it. And he wants to talk about me spending money? At least when it was me our kids had everything they needed and most of what they wanted.
• He continues to try to justify his affair to our children.  He even told our daughter that I “didn’t take care of him.”  Oh please!  Is that why she tells me, “Mom, I would have left him years ago!  I wouldn’t have put up with half of what you put up with,”?

My Bitch List, Part 12: The Sex Edition

This one is mainly about sex so I would appreciate it, MOTHER, if you wouldn’t read this one. I’m warning you there is not enough brain bleach to unsee or unread what is ahead. STOP NOW!

• He would grope me in public, thinking that was cute.
• The first picture I ever saw of the slut her hair was darker.  She then went blonder, like me.  He told me he preferred it darker and longer (on me).  So one day at the salon I ask him to send me his favorite picture of me, the one that had my hair the way he liked it, to give my stylist an idea of how dark to go.  He sends me the picture.  And then immediately sends me another picture- of my pubic area.  With my hairdresser looking over my shoulder to get an idea of what color to dye my hair.  Fucking pig.  Harley also is wearing her hair a lot darker these days.  Wow- another amazing coincidence!
• I often slept nude whenever I slept in our bed. He would sometimes take pictures of me, naked, while I slept. There were also times I would wake to find him masturbating on me while I was asleep.
• He bought me a new car when we moved.  Then decided I should make “payments” on it in the form of blow jobs. Too bad, so sad for him. That damn car never got paid for.
• He liked me to talk dirty to him and wanted me to tell him stories about me and my friends.
• He mentioned a few times how he’d like to watch me have sex with another guy, or have a threesome. Yeah, that didn’t happen either.
• Despite cheating on me with Harley he seemed to really get off on requesting nude photos of me. The last time he asked he had lied and told me he was off visiting Blockhead. As we’re chatting about me registering the kids for school (which was a mindfuck all in itself because I had no idea what was going to happen) he wants to know why I haven’t sent him a picture of my boobs yet.
• Right around the time he began sleeping with Harley he gave me this sob story about thinking he was impotent so he would prefer I not even try to come on to him because it would make him feel bad. In hindsight that was just an excuse. Isn’t that sweet and considerate of him to worry about cheating on his fucking mistress/whore?
• The day I filed for divorce he came home for lunch. I was wearing a t-shirt and a skirt because I figured I should look presentable when I went to visit my attorney. That asshole actually got turned on by me and had a raging hard-on. Ha! Joke’s on you, Cousinfucker. I looked good because I was planning on leaving your ass!
• He was apparently showing naked pictures of me to his whore.  Nice.

People, seriously, I don’t know how I stayed as long as I did. I’ve told some of these stories to others and they call it abuse. I’m not sure I would go that far but it sure as hell wasn’t respectful.

Celebrating Anniversaries After Infidelity

September 2014

I guess I’m feeling chatty today. Anniversaries. I read several blogs where the wives refuse to celebrate their anniversary anymore. Some of them don’t wear their rings anymore, or at least the wedding ring. Believe me, when I was at my lowest if I could have removed my ring from my fat finger I would have. I don’t know if it would still be off. Probably not. I usually cave. All I managed to do at the time was remove all of the pictures in the house of the two of us. Apparently, that hurt him when I told him after D-Day. It obviously didn’t make much of an impression when he was still fucking around with the whore because he didn’t notice.

Last year’s anniversary brought a lot of bad stuff with it. It was the first time since finding out that I considered leaving him. I don’t think we did anything big, and I don’t remember what, if anything, he bought me besides flowers. I didn’t mention it on Facebook because I didn’t want to deal with the well wishes. I was in no mood for that. Honestly, I don’t think I will ever mention it on Facebook again. It feels fake to me. Why would anyone else care if it’s our anniversary? What does it matter?

He’s never been big on celebrating it and I think I’d rather not anyway. It’s just another day. Doesn’t mean anything. Shouldn’t you be kind and loving every day and not just that one day? I’m sure we’ll exchange cards; there might even be gifts. It will be 20 years this year. I had briefly thought about going to NYC and maybe seeing a Broadway play and doing some sight seeing, but that probably won’t happen. Oh well, hopefully this anniversary will be better and less painful than the last one.

Present Day Sam Says: It wasn’t. You’ll read about it later. I did okay at first but as the day progressed I devolved. He got upset because Blockhead told him I didn’t like the gift he had bought. His solution? Go fuck Harley. Yeah, that’s what everyone does when they find out someone didn’t like a gift. They go fuck someone else.

I think this anniversary was pretty much the beginning of the end. He began spinning out of control, thanks to Blockhead’s interference.

My Bitch List, Part 11

More recent gripes for this one. Keep in mind I compiled this list mainly while he was still living at the house so I used the present tense. Most of the stuff on this list is simply gross. It’s stuff he refused to do while we were away (or sometimes even while we were here). It speaks to his lack of respect for me and for our family.

• Since we moved to our new home he has not once taken out the trash.  Petty complaint?  Perhaps, but this is my Festivus Airing of Grievances and this pisses me off!
• I don’t think he’s mowed the yard in 6 months.  I was out there mowing over Memorial Day weekend because of his “anxiety issues”.  Our son mowed it on a couple of occasions as well.  We were gone for 3 1/2 weeks this summer.  He didn’t mow a single time.  I came back to a yard that was overgrown with weeds and grass that was sky high.  I ended up hiring two guys to do the yard work because he wouldn’t.  I thought I was being nice and respectful of his “issues” but in reality I think he had already checked out of the marriage and figured there was no purpose in doing anything around the house. ETA: I wrote this shortly after I found out about him and Harley, sometime in late 2015, maybe early 2016, so the timeline is off. Regardless, the last time he visited the house, he loaded up the lawn mower and refused to mow, yet again. Just one more way he has totally given up on the house and believes it’s not his responsibility.
• When we got home the house reeked.  Every time I leave I make sure the house is clean and the laundry is done.  I also usually make sure there is food for him to eat.  When he’s away I try to have the house picked up when he comes back.  He didn’t feel the need to do that for us.  I spent the next two days shampooing carpets from where the dogs had had accidents.
• He also never took the garbage out to the curb the entire time we were gone.  I took TEN bags of trash out on trash day after we got home.
• I found out he had been playing me all summer long while he conducted an affair with his skank of a cousin two years ago.  I’m thinking we’re working on our relationship; I’m hard at work trying to “win” him back, and the whole time he’s messing around with her, planning for their future.  Then he has the audacity to be upset with me for not getting over it quickly enough.  How dare I dwell on that?  He said it was over.  He said he picked me.  He said he loved me.
• When his affair was discovered the first time around one of the things he told me he had liked about her was how she texted him all the time and told him everything she was doing.  He wanted me to do that.  So, despite the fact that I felt like he was trying to turn me into her I dutifully texted him and told him all about my boring day.
• Looking back on it, as a whole, he had a whole lot of demands for me on how I could improve our relationship after his affair.  I didn’t have very many for him:  send the whore a text ending it and stop talking to the whore, stop telling your sister about our marital issues, give me all your passwords, and go to marital counseling.  He participated half-heartedly in counseling; even the counselor said there was no point in him continuing.  He never sent her a text; he supposedly called her and ended it and then she sent him a sappy text which he replied to, speaking of duty and honor.  He gave me his passwords but once he started up his affair again he began sleeping with his phone.  And, of course, he never stopped talking about our marital issues with his sister.  But his list for me?  Oh, where do I begin?  Text me all the time.  Send me naughty pictures.  Let me know where you are all day long.  Sit with me.  Have sex with me all the time.  Come sit out on the porch and watch me while I mow the yard, maybe even bring me a glass of iced tea.  Hey, do you have any more ways I can kiss your ass, Cousinfucker?  Because really, when you step out on ME I think the least I can do is find out what I did to cause that and work on every problem I might have.  There is nothing wrong with you!
• He was always very concerned about hurting his whore’s feelings but didn’t really mind hurting me.  The text I asked him to send turned into a phone call which later turned into a text that she sent to him.  That text was pathetic and it very much sounded like *she* was the one calling it off while he whimpered and whined and talked about things he doesn’t understand like honor and duty, being a good husband and a good dad.  When questioned about it he said it was because he felt bad about hurting her and didn’t want to cause her anymore pain.  Yes, it was more important to make sure that the whore he had texted and sexted with for 3 1/2 months was in a good place, than to insure that the wife of 18 1/2 years was in a good place.
• Once or twice after answering my questions about Harley and their relationship he thanked me for ruining his hard-on. Yes, dear, that’s what I’m really concerned about- your hard-on. Let’s forget about this whole EA thing and I’ll just text you dirty things and naughty pictures and we can pretend this never happened.
• He was very good at manipulating me.  As I said, I didn’t want him discussing our marital issues with his sister because I didn’t feel she was a friend of our marriage.  And she’s not.  But, he turns this into, “I can’t have a relationship with her because you don’t like her.”  Um, no, that’s not what I asked for at all.  Talk with her about anything else.  Just NOT our marital issues.  When he wanted to move here instead of saying that it was, “I know you don’t want to move.  I’ll learn to like it here.  You and the kids are happy.”  That way it could be ME saying, “Oh, baby, no!  We want all of us to be happy!  You are important.  You matter.  We’ll move if you’re so unhappy here!”  Motherfucker!  And even in our talks about his affair I think when things got to be too real for him he would start in on his “woe is me” stories- he had no father, his dad didn’t love him, his family doesn’t care about him, he’s worthless, why would I ever love him.  It was all a very subtle way to have me dance for him and stroke his ego.
• He says that I ignored him and left him alone to cry, but the reality is he would have been perfectly content to have me sit upstairs in the fucking bedroom all day long, every day, and to hell with the kids.  Sorry, kids, you’re teens (or almost teens) now so you need to take care of yourselves.  Mommy can’t drive you anywhere because I have to hang out with Daddy upstairs in the bedroom.  I also can’t help you with homework, cook your meals, or do your laundry because Daddy needs me.  I would ask him to sit with me out on the porch.  He couldn’t do it.  He had to go back inside.  I would ask him to come downstairs and watch tv in the family room so we could be together while I cooked.  Nope, he just wasn’t comfortable with that.  One time I asked him if he wanted to come out to our enclosed porch in the back.  No, again he just really needed to be upstairs in the bedroom.  Our bedroom and the shower were the only places he really felt comfortable.  Let’s praise Jesus once again; He performed a miracle in my husband!
• He is a liar.  I remember when we first got married he would joke about how his mom would exaggerate stories.  He said, “By the time we’ve been married for ten years we will have had a full orchestra at our wedding with a steak and lobster dinner!”  The apple does not fall far from the tree!  He told someone our daughter won the entire meet when she competed out of state.  Not true.  Not even close.  Then, he told a Ranger who came to speak at a church we visited that he was a Ranger, too!  Again, not true.  Now, his original tale was he was going to go to Ranger school but then he was deployed to Iraq and missed his chance.  His current day tale is that he took all the classes; he just didn’t do the field training so basically “he’s a Ranger”.  Basically, you’re a liar, Cousinfucker.  He told someone we hadn’t had sex in TEN YEARS!  But I think my favorite one was when he told someone that I had filed for divorce and he had no idea why.  REALLY?  What did you think was going to happen when I found out about Harley?  Was I supposed to beg and plead again?  Was I supposed to wait it out until YOU could file?  You’re such a big chicken shit you never would have filed.  You were always going to leave it up to me, you (thank you Chump Princess over on Chump Lady) worthless flaming turd shot straight out of Satan’s ass!
• I know I’ve already listed all the lies he told people about me.  I probably shouldn’t be surprised but I still shake my head when I think of how he never went back and corrected his mistakes.  Ever.  He would tell some awful bullshit story, make me seem like the Marquis de Sade and then turn around and tell me how I was his rock, his savior, his soul mate (barf!), and yet he never corrected the erroneous story he told.  I guess that’s what liars do.
• Fast forward to this year.  I found out he was playing me all summer long (once again!), acting like he had all sorts of issues when the only issue he had was he was married but sticking it to his gold digging whore of a cousin.

Forgiveness After the Affair

September 2014

It’s too late versus it’s never too late. Hmmm. I suppose it’s a matter of, well, mind over matter. Can you forgive? Can you eat shit? Can you smile while eating said shit? Can you just decide it doesn’t matter and to forge a new beginning? Forget the bad and concentrate on the good? Or, do you say, “It’s just too late,”? Telling you what I need, or needed, and you doing it now, is pointless. That’s where I am with my in-laws. It’s too late. It may be a case of biting off my nose to spite my face but if I actually have to say, “Cut off all contact with the whore and tell her why! Stop complimenting her and talking about getting together with her!” then it’s pretty apparent they don’t think what she did was all that bad. Hell, I think it makes it perfectly clear that they support her. Maybe they even wished he had picked her over me. So why bother?

I know without a single doubt that if my son ever fucks up the way his dad did I would never continue a relationship with his whore. I would contact her once to let her know I knew what had transpired and that in light of that I couldn’t continue a relationship with her. I would let her know that it was much more important to me to have a relationship with my son and his entire family. And hopefully I will love my future daughter-in-law so I would also tell her that, and that I would never hurt or betray my daughter-in-law by continuing a relationship with her, the other woman.

I sometimes think my husband wants to pretend that none of this happened. He wants me to act like none of this bothers me and just forgive and forget. Wouldn’t that be nice? And oh so convenient for him and his family. No, what he really wants is to take the easy way out and to not have to confront his family. He could have ended this a year ago when I told him I didn’t like the fact that his stepfather commented on the whore’s picture and told her she was beautiful. He acted like his hands were tied. I can’t tell him what to post! No, but you could have a conversation with your mom and let her know that immediate family interacting with your whore was painful and upsetting to me, and if they truly wanted to ever see me again it would probably be wise to discontinue their relationship with the whore.

It’s hard to believe there is no contact when everyone he spends time with down there has a relationship with her. Even if he is actively avoiding her it’s easy to see how she could come up in conversation, even show up in person. Easy to see how information about her could be passed along, even if he’s not interested.

No, when you get down to the root of it, me forgiving his family and pretending like none of this ever happened would be for his benefit, not mine. It’s easier for him to try to guilt me into going where I don’t want to go and putting on a fake smile, than it is for him to tell his family that their continued involvement with his whore is resulting in him having to choose between his family of origin and his wife. And by choosing between the two rest assured I simply mean that I refuse to go with him. He wants to spend the holidays with them? He’s free to do so. I won’t be there, though. The kids can go with whomever they choose.

Present Day Sam Says: Folks, this is yet another excellent demonstration of what not to do when you’re reconciling. If this is what you’re dealing with, RUN! He (or she) isn’t sorry. Things won’t change. It’s quite possible you’ll face another D-Day. Get out now!

Everything I worried about happened. Since they never had a problem with her (or the two of them as a couple) to begin with they didn’t have a problem when they hooked up again. Hell, they encouraged it!

Don’t be as stupid and trusting as I was. If your spouse’s family is still in contact with the other person, RUN! I can’t stress it enough. You will never feel safe. You will never BE safe. The interloper will simply hang around and wait for the right time to pounce. Even better- the family will tell that person when the best time to pounce might be. Get out now. Save yourself. It will not end well.